Partner has no respect for my sexual boundaries

[angryandscared1]

I'm so angry and upset. NC for this but regular poster.

I'm sorry this is quite long and some graphic descriptions of sexual nature so please don't read on if this isn't for you.

Partner and I have 7 month baby, things have been v stressful since baby was born, no time for each other etc. We've been working on it.

We very rarely have sex, it's just impossible to find the time or energy, both always exhausted. I'd say we have sex once every 2-3 weeks since baby's birth, it used to be every other day or at least 4 times a week so I understand his frustration. I also feel differently now, hate my body how it's changed so much (used to be slim and toned now have larger tummy and thighs), and also I just don't have much libido anymore.

Anyway last night we were kissing in bed etc and I said I wanted to try and have sex. I was very clear it had to be with a condom or nothing (I'm not on any birth control at the moment and definitely don't want another baby yet), and I also said I need you to be gentle and careful. He agreed. He then proceeded to be quite rough with his fingers, I had to remind him twice please be gentle that hurts. Then he attempted to penetrate me without the condom on, I said what are you doing, he said I wanted to "feel you" - I said again, no we need to take this seriously as I don't want to end up pregnant again. He seemed to accept that but the rest of the foreplay seemed half hearted so I felt he wasn't interested and was impatient to get to the "main event". He kept pushing to penetrate me (more with his body language than anything). I felt under pressure. He also had his hand on my throat at one point - I removed it but didn't say anything to him. After some foreplay I said ok we can do it now - he then entered me quite aggressively from behind without a condom (I didn't realise at this point he didn't have one on). I was so taken aback by how rough it was, I didn't know what to say or do, it hurt so much. He was being very aggressive, I tried to get up on my knees to stop the pain but I couldn't. I have no idea why I didn't just say stop, but I was in shock with it. Then he said he was going to ejaculate on my bum - I suddenly realised there was no condom. I started to cry and pull away from him then I just left the bed sat in the bathroom and cried.

Afterwards I said how hurt and angry I was that he has no respect for my boundaries. He claimed it was "hard to remember" to use a condom because we never used to before the baby. I think this is a ridiculous excuse, I said several times please use one. With regard to being rough with me, he said "I thought you wanted rough sex" (not sure how, I'd said several times during foreplay, please be gentle).

This morning he's making me feel like I've done something wrong. I said technically he had raped me by penetrating me against my consent without a condom - he got annoyed when I used that word and said "fine we aren't having sex ever again if you're going accuse me of that - from now on this is a sexless relationship and I'll stay just for the baby".

I'm so confused about the whole thing. Did he rape me? Should I have spoken up sooner and said stop when it hurt? I just can't make sense of any of it and I don't want him anywhere near me anymore.

That is rape. I don't know if your relationship is repairable OP. I think you should speak to a counsellor at Rape Crisis

He can be a "good Dad" (one that raped their Mum) and do his share of parenting (erm he only helps at the moment so funnily enough he may not bother wanting to actually parent) if you separate.

So many people in authority seem to be above the laws he is angry about you calling it rape because he knows it was and has much to loose if you report him.

Clearly his sexual needs are more important than anything else

OP, rape and domestic abuse is more common among police than other professions. You need to protect yourself. You're not alone

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/women/police-me-too-women-sexual-assault-b1946111.html

So sorry OP this is horrendous to read. The hands on throat alone is a massive re flag, and suggests to me that he fantasises about violence and perhaps watches this kind of pornography ? He is a policeman….God that is another layer of frightening.
I don’t see how you can stay with him. He doesn’t love or respect you, this shows his true feelings. You will always be a tiny bit afraid of him. I think he needs to address his issues around women but that is not your problem to solve. I wouldn’t want a sexually violent man around my child either.
This must all be overwhelming, thinking of being alone with a baby, I do see you are quite stuck, but he genuinely sounds dangerous.

You're right, that is legally rape @angryandscared1 , and his comment that he won't have sex with you again and juust stay for the kids was manipulative.

It's not even a matter of opinion/most of us thinking it is rape- it's also thankfully legally, objectively rape in the UK (not that the police often do much about most rapes.)

Please separate from him as soon as you can. He's not even safe to be around.

Maybe take the MAP just in case. PP's are right, you could talk to your GP to get it and mention to them what happened, that way it's on the system. But please do get the MAP from somewhere anyway.

Any chance you could get something in writing from him about this. Text messages or something where he acknowledges what he has done. I wouldn't necessarily be thinking of reporting him but I'd like to have some proof just in case.

I would leave him. You owe it to yourself not to be with someone who willingly hurts you for their own pleasure. He is sick.

What a fucking horrid POS he is… so sorry OP. He didn’t respect your wishes in any way whatsoever and I agree with previous posters re rape.

Only you can decide what to do next, but I would certainly be ending this relationship and also getting the MAP. Reach out for support from family and friends today, and if needs be get the police involved to remove him if you ask him to leave and he won’t.

So sorry OP

@Finknottlesnewt

That is very difficult OP. It's all very well for people to shout 'rape' and he 'has got to go' without being aware of your individual circumstances. There is more to consider than just the immediate situation. There is your future and your child's future. As someone who also works in the police I understand why this adds another layer of complexity.

First . Do you feel in danger in anyway. Lack of boundaries in sexual activity doesn't necessarily translate to day to day life. If you feel unsafe in ANY way then you need to leave. End of. (This may mean him leaving but that is for you to decide)

If you do not feel threatened then you need to think about your future. Are you dependent on him financially? Are you planning to return to work. ? If the answers are yes, then no. Reporting this to his employer is going to have a detrimental effect on you as well as him.

There is also very little chance of the CPS taking this on. Let alone getting far enough to convince a jury. What is right in law is not the same as the likelihood of a achieving justice. I am not saying for one moment that you shouldn't report because the way you describe what happened - it definitely is. I just want you to go into anything you decided to do with eyes wide open and expectations managed. Whilst remembering that you need to persuade 12 people who weren't there that you consented to sex but did not consent to sex without a condom. .. and you have to convince them 'beyond ANY reasonable doubt.'

If you do decide to pursue this then you can expect him to be suspended from work (initially on full pay but less OT and extra responsibilities payments) whilst the case is investigated. If he is found guilty then he will receive a custodial sentence and 65% of his pension will be forfeited. Which will of course affect maintenance.

You also need to notify the PSU who should be involved in the monitoring of one of their own.

There is a lot to consider and 'LTB' may not be appropriate. Then again it maybe. Only you can answer that .

Slow down there @Finknottlesnewt This is all far to much for OP to have to think about today.

I'm not asking OP to consider reporting in order to pursue a prosecution.

I'm asking her to report in order to support any application she may need to make for her own protection in the immediate future.
Protection such as a non-mol or restraining order.
A residential order for her & her baby.
Temporary refuge accommodation if necessary.
A HUGE signal to him that other people are aware of what he is capable of, & if any harm comes to OP, he will be the prime suspect - so he'd better not "forget" or "lose control" around her ever again.

I am so sorry OP this is also very heavy stuff to consider.
But you don't need to be thinking of trials, or a jury, or whether he keeps his job FFS.

All you need to consider is 1) your & baby's personal safety, &
2) NOT keeping this secret. Abuse thrives in secrecy. Don't allow him to do that to you, please.

@Finknottlesnewt

That is very difficult OP. It's all very well for people to shout 'rape' and he 'has got to go' without being aware of your individual circumstances. There is more to consider than just the immediate situation. There is your future and your child's future. As someone who also works in the police I understand why this adds another layer of complexity.

First . Do you feel in danger in anyway. Lack of boundaries in sexual activity doesn't necessarily translate to day to day life. If you feel unsafe in ANY way then you need to leave. End of. (This may mean him leaving but that is for you to decide)

If you do not feel threatened then you need to think about your future. Are you dependent on him financially? Are you planning to return to work. ? If the answers are yes, then no. Reporting this to his employer is going to have a detrimental effect on you as well as him.

There is also very little chance of the CPS taking this on. Let alone getting far enough to convince a jury. What is right in law is not the same as the likelihood of a achieving justice. I am not saying for one moment that you shouldn't report because the way you describe what happened - it definitely is. I just want you to go into anything you decided to do with eyes wide open and expectations managed. Whilst remembering that you need to persuade 12 people who weren't there that you consented to sex but did not consent to sex without a condom. .. and you have to convince them 'beyond ANY reasonable doubt.'

If you do decide to pursue this then you can expect him to be suspended from work (initially on full pay but less OT and extra responsibilities payments) whilst the case is investigated. If he is found guilty then he will receive a custodial sentence and 65% of his pension will be forfeited. Which will of course affect maintenance.

You also need to notify the PSU who should be involved in the monitoring of one of their own.

There is a lot to consider and 'LTB' may not be appropriate. Then again it maybe. Only you can answer that .

I'm not sure what part of he put his hands round her throat you don't understand?

And whats with this threatening OP that she will be responsible for a rapist losing his job as a police officer? I've heard of protecting your own but thats just despicable.

Seriously if this is the state of our police services no wonder convictions for rape are so low.

@angryandscared1

Just to say we aren't married so there's no legal complexities etc if we were to separate. Just childcare arrangements. I don't think he would fight me for custody, but he would definitely want regular contact.

Do you rent or own?

To answer some questions. No, I am not dependent on him financially, I have my own job to return to after maternity leave ends and it is a good job - I earn more than enough to support myself and my baby. No, I don't feel threatened by him in day to day life, he has been known to shout at me before in anger which I find scary and I've told him many times not to do this because it scares me, but he's never physically hurt me. Sexually he's always been a bit rough for my liking but I've told him so many times. When I've said stop in the past he has done so. I didn't say it this time, I don't know why. I just couldn't believe how rough it was and was trying to bite my lip through the pain. But when i became aware about the lack of condom I just couldn't anymore, that was too far. I wish I'd said stop

Oh op l am so sorry that was a rape and dangerous with his hand on your throat, really dangerous. He is an abuser plain and simple.

Please report him, it is not your problem if it costs him his job in fact l would say he is not safe to be a police officer if he forces rough sex and rape on the mother of his child.
Look at what benefits you are eligible for and make a plan.
If you don't report him and this escalates you, or he does it again or worse, will not be able to keep him away from you...

I am so sorry.

'he then entered me quite aggressively from behind without a condom (I didn't realise at this point he didn't have one on).'

I'm really sorry this happened to you OP

There is no question that this is rape. He has had sex with you in a way you did not consent to and you said several times he should wear a condom. I couldn't be with someone who did this to me, especially if we had a child. Just imagine what views might be imparted on your child as they get older? That women aren't worth more than sex in a way that a man chooses.

These type of men end up doing this time and time again. This is the kind of person who eventually paints his ex as crazy to a new partner when asked why their last relationship went wrong. I'm even more shocked that this is someone in a job where they are meant to take this seriously. You don't want him to lose his job but at the same time, these are red flags that can escalate.

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you in regards to reporting or not. However, if you're leaving him, if you have a family member that you can stay with then ask them to help you pack up all of your stuff and move out when he's at work. I'd text/email him when you know he's about to/just has finished work and explain your reasons for leaving in writing and that you can discuss/correspond with him re custody. I would also get an assessment done at a local assessment referral center, you don't have to report this for an assessment. However, it's important to document it in case the realisation sets in during the coming days, you've experienced a traumatic event and it may not have fully sunk in. Get all of the support from helplines and friends and family that you can trust.

For those who are still saying this isn't rape, I was given a good example that's being taught in schools re consent and rape. Eg:

Teacher to class: put your hand up if you will you let me hold you phone in my hand whilst locked.

Class all have hands up.

Teacher: will you let me just hold your unlocked phone?

Class have hands up

Teacher: will you let me look at your call history?

A few hands go down.

Teacher: will you let me look through your social media feed?

A few more hands go down.

Teacher: will you let me go through all of your messages, photos and videos?

Majority of the class put their hands down.

This is what consent is, you are able to consent with conditions.

If he is found guilty then he will receive a custodial sentence

This made me feel sick. I don't want this to happen to him

@angryandscared1 this has utterly chilled me this morning. I'm very aware of just how vulnerable you will be feeling with a tiny baby as the victim of a man with a position of authority and the impression of moral fibre. It's hard to imagine a great leap here to reporting him etc, so don't. Baby steps. I suggest a close friend in real life and rape crisis. They will help you.

Many other posters have the right of it here but please listen. I'm not trying to scare you but I sort of am. We have had a very public case this year of man in authority, taking his porn sick violence out on a defenceless woman, strangling her. This combination of major entitlement, power and porn is dangerous. Not that level, sure, but he couldn't stop himself? And likes putting his hands on your throat? This, his blaming of you, he lost control and both hurt you and risked another baby when he blames the current situation for a lack of sex? This man is a danger to you. Any man who is a danger to the mother of their child is NOT a good dad, no matter how many nappies he changes. Be very careful and get real life help OP. Good luck.

I'm glad you'll be able to manage without him (and he'll have to pay for your DC) because I really think you're going to have to.

His behaviour towards you isn't going to get better.

Good luck

So sorry op, hope you get support from rape crisis and women's aid.
He should lose his job, he's a danger to women and vulnerable people but that's a decision for another day. You and your baby need to be safe, his anger is part of your abuse. He knows this

@angryandscared1

I'm so overwhelmed by all the replies but I promise I'm still here reading them. I didn't get much sleep last night so just dozing in between reading and crying. Baby is sleeping thankfully as I need some headspace at the moment. I can't process it all to be honest. I can see that most of you class this as rape. That word made him so angry though I'm scared to say it again out loud to him. It's as though I'm in the wrong for saying it. I'm terrified to be alone with the baby as I don't know how I'd manage (he is a good dad despite all this and he helps out with the baby etc). I'm scared I wouldn't cope alone. Also he is in the police. I think reporting him would cost him his job. I don't want to do that to him. I am so torn and just feel violated and confused.

If he is a police officer, then it's probably best for everyone that he loses his job.

He raped you, and he isn't even sorry. I also think that the hand on your neck is a major danger sign. I'm honestly not a dramatic person, or inclined to hyperbole, but I genuinely think that this man is dangerous. Reporting or not is up to you, but please get yourself and your baby away from him.

@angryandscared1

To answer some questions. No, I am not dependent on him financially, I have my own job to return to after maternity leave ends and it is a good job - I earn more than enough to support myself and my baby. No, I don't feel threatened by him in day to day life, he has been known to shout at me before in anger which I find scary and I've told him many times not to do this because it scares me, but he's never physically hurt me. Sexually he's always been a bit rough for my liking but I've told him so many times. When I've said stop in the past he has done so. I didn't say it this time, I don't know why. I just couldn't believe how rough it was and was trying to bite my lip through the pain. But when i became aware about the lack of condom I just couldn't anymore, that was too far. I wish I'd said stop

OP, he already knew you didn't want him to be rough or to not use a condom. You were very clear about that. Please don't start blaming yourself. I can understand you not wanting him to lose his job, but this is a big red flag that his behaviour could escalate. Don't let him make it your fault; what he did is his fault and only his, and the consequences are on him, not you. Ask yourself what you'd say to a friend who was in your situation?

@angryandscared1

If he is found guilty then he will receive a custodial sentence

This made me feel sick. I don't want this to happen to him

The chances of him even getting to court are 95 to 1. Please don't let this stop you reporting him. The odds are so stacked against victims of sexual abuse seeing justice, that if a perpetrator gets a custodial sentence it's because he really deserves it and to protect society.

Talk to rape crisis. Maybe to women's Aid as well. Are your family close by and close? You need all the support so you can recover from this and do what you need to do to secure yours and DC's safety

Oh OP, this is terrible. I'm so sorry this has happened.

Yes, you need to report and yes, he's raped you.

Jesus op.

Let me get this straight so ue ignored your wants, went rough when you asked for gentle, and didnt use a co dom because HE wanted to feel you (lets be honest we know he didnt "forget".

Then had the cheek to try and gaslight you about this all and make you feel you are to blame

The sick bastard.

Please STOP thinking about what will hurt him. He didnt give one FLYING TOSS about hurting you during sex by going against your wishes and being too rough. All he thought and cared about was his dick.

You dont owe him shit, stop trying to protect and worry him. I feel like you are in a sense of denial about who he has shown you he is. Imagine if your daughter told you this had happened to her. How would you feel ablut the person, how would you react?

No means no.

You need to reach out to those helplines op and you need to get angry with him. Dont ever have sex with him again. He is a rapist. He deserves no relationship let alone a sexlese one.

Have a good talking with yourself op about what you want from the future for yourself in terms of boundaries and standards. Because without those things we cannot feel completely safe or secure with someone. They are there for a reason and if he isnt going to respect them then at the very least you should.

You deserve someone who respects you as a human being not a fucking sex doll.

@angryandscared1 I’m so sorry! Don’t have anything else to add that hasn’t already been said, but just wanted to add my agreement that he has treated you in quite a disgusting way - thoughtless, cruel, without any care, let alone respect - and you have every right to feel as upset as you do. You have every right to also be very angry with him. He’s clearly oblivious

Put yourself first x

@angryandscared1

If he is found guilty then he will receive a custodial sentence

This made me feel sick. I don't want this to happen to him

Please seek support for yourself, allow yourself to talk it through with rape crisis. They will listen without judgement, no matter what you decide to do. It is your choice what happens going forward, it doesn’t have to be reported. But support for you will be invaluable

Also what Putoff said. Couldn’t agree more.