Partner has no respect for my sexual boundaries

[angryandscared1]

I'm so angry and upset. NC for this but regular poster.

I'm sorry this is quite long and some graphic descriptions of sexual nature so please don't read on if this isn't for you.

Partner and I have 7 month baby, things have been v stressful since baby was born, no time for each other etc. We've been working on it.

We very rarely have sex, it's just impossible to find the time or energy, both always exhausted. I'd say we have sex once every 2-3 weeks since baby's birth, it used to be every other day or at least 4 times a week so I understand his frustration. I also feel differently now, hate my body how it's changed so much (used to be slim and toned now have larger tummy and thighs), and also I just don't have much libido anymore.

Anyway last night we were kissing in bed etc and I said I wanted to try and have sex. I was very clear it had to be with a condom or nothing (I'm not on any birth control at the moment and definitely don't want another baby yet), and I also said I need you to be gentle and careful. He agreed. He then proceeded to be quite rough with his fingers, I had to remind him twice please be gentle that hurts. Then he attempted to penetrate me without the condom on, I said what are you doing, he said I wanted to "feel you" - I said again, no we need to take this seriously as I don't want to end up pregnant again. He seemed to accept that but the rest of the foreplay seemed half hearted so I felt he wasn't interested and was impatient to get to the "main event". He kept pushing to penetrate me (more with his body language than anything). I felt under pressure. He also had his hand on my throat at one point - I removed it but didn't say anything to him. After some foreplay I said ok we can do it now - he then entered me quite aggressively from behind without a condom (I didn't realise at this point he didn't have one on). I was so taken aback by how rough it was, I didn't know what to say or do, it hurt so much. He was being very aggressive, I tried to get up on my knees to stop the pain but I couldn't. I have no idea why I didn't just say stop, but I was in shock with it. Then he said he was going to ejaculate on my bum - I suddenly realised there was no condom. I started to cry and pull away from him then I just left the bed sat in the bathroom and cried.

Afterwards I said how hurt and angry I was that he has no respect for my boundaries. He claimed it was "hard to remember" to use a condom because we never used to before the baby. I think this is a ridiculous excuse, I said several times please use one. With regard to being rough with me, he said "I thought you wanted rough sex" (not sure how, I'd said several times during foreplay, please be gentle).

This morning he's making me feel like I've done something wrong. I said technically he had raped me by penetrating me against my consent without a condom - he got annoyed when I used that word and said "fine we aren't having sex ever again if you're going accuse me of that - from now on this is a sexless relationship and I'll stay just for the baby".

I'm so confused about the whole thing. Did he rape me? Should I have spoken up sooner and said stop when it hurt? I just can't make sense of any of it and I don't want him anywhere near me anymore.

The hand on your throat is very worrying. What else could he do when he ‘gets carried away’?

I missed seeing that he’s in the police. That makes it even more important that you report the assault. He really isn’t a suitable person to be a policeman. He shouldn’t be part of an organisation that is supposed to protect the public.

@Justilou1

Please speak to your GP as well. You need a morning after pill. It will also help to get counselling and an official record in case he gets ugly if (when) you divorce. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve this. His behaviour is physically and psychologically abusive. Don’t question yourself or let him blame-shift. He knows exactly what he was doing.

This - if you are clear you don't want another baby, MAP. As horrible as it is, the side effects are far less severe and far less emotionally draining than an abortion. Go ASAP.

If you don't trust yourself to speak out loud, write down on a scrap of paper in advance that you want the MAP and can you talk privately? The pharmacist will show you to a private room.

Also, almost all men who abuse their spouse count on the fact that they present an entirely different facade publicly to the one that they do at home. They want their victim to think that noone would ever believe that they could ever possibly abuse anyone.
Ask yourself this… If any of your female friends came to you and said that they had been a victim of DV or SA and their partner had been the perpetrator, would you believe them? YES!!! You would, and you would help them to get them help.
Speak to family and friends. Don’t suffer in silence.
Don’t protect his reputation. He will do whatever he can to protect his reputation by slamming yours as soon as he gets wind of the first sign that you’re thinking of going. Get in first.

So sorry this happened to you. You are brave to share here and I agree with others that this was rape and he needs to leave your home and be reported.

The hands round the neck is also an awful sign. It sounds like he’s done of all of this before and is unlikely to hesitate in doing it again if he’s not stopped straight away.

He cannot claim ignorance, given the training he would have had for work. So his decision to do this to you is just so impossible to come back from.

I truly wish you luck and hope you get some great advice and support from Rape Crisis. 💐

@SummerWhisper oh my that website is so awful.

@angryandscared1 - I would still advise the morning after pill, as pre-ejaculate can contain sperm, so it is still possible to become pregnant even if someone thinks they pulled out in time.

It is especially vital that you let your GP know that he’s in the police.

I would not want this man who did this to his wife to be a police officer in my area. I know you don’t want to ruin his job and you still have feelings for him, I know this is so so hard for you OP so take it at your own pace. But please do not feel bad about reporting him. He cannot be trusted with other women’s safety, you have every right to report him. He knew what he was doing, that’s why he’s gaslighting you now. Glad to see you’re going to get some support OP, I’m so sorry this happened.

@angryandscared1

I'm so overwhelmed by all the replies but I promise I'm still here reading them. I didn't get much sleep last night so just dozing in between reading and crying. Baby is sleeping thankfully as I need some headspace at the moment. I can't process it all to be honest. I can see that most of you class this as rape. That word made him so angry though I'm scared to say it again out loud to him. It's as though I'm in the wrong for saying it. I'm terrified to be alone with the baby as I don't know how I'd manage (he is a good dad despite all this and he helps out with the baby etc). I'm scared I wouldn't cope alone. Also he is in the police. I think reporting him would cost him his job. I don't want to do that to him. I am so torn and just feel violated and confused.

You will manage. Thousands of women do.

It is worrying that you are scared to talk to him about it.

Do you have real-life support? Friends or family you can turn to?

I can see that most of you class this as rape.
So would the law. Because it was rape.

That word made him so angry though I'm scared to say it again out loud to him.
Oh, he's banking on that fear OP.
Look what he did to you when you asked him to be gentle.
It must be very frightening to think what he'd do to you for having the temerity to mention the facts.

It's as though I'm in the wrong for saying it.
He raped you. He is now trying to headfuck you.
His display of anger was deliberate - he wants you to be too scared of him to ever mention what he did to anybody.

But you have us.
You have friends & family.
Womens Aid.
Rape Crisis.

The fact that he is in the police is ... even more concerning. You may want to consider that although this adds another layer of fear & complication to your decision of how you want to handle this, that reporting may be the very best thing you can do for your own protection now. If you wanted to make a report, he would certainly think long & hard before hurting you again.
I am concerned that your (natural & valid) fear of him might keep you trapped with him. The truth will set you free.

At least call Rape Crisis, & a trusted friend, today - please.
You cannot carry this burden alone, & is is not safe for him to imagine you are now too frightened to stop him from doing anything he wants to you. I know this is scary, & I don't want you to feel pushed into anything. But if this man thinks he can make you keep his filthy secret, he will feel he can get away with doing whatever he wants to you. You should not have to live with that threat hanging over you.

Well respected and liked by all his colleagues who are probably just like him. It's a safe club for sexual predators and abusers. It's also a clear avenue to future victims...how can he be trusted to deal with women who report their partners for rape and sexual assault? He will dismiss, gaslight them and downplay their trauma, just as he has with you. He is not a good police officer, partner, parent or person.

That is very difficult OP. It's all very well for people to shout 'rape' and he 'has got to go' without being aware of your individual circumstances. There is more to consider than just the immediate situation. There is your future and your child's future. As someone who also works in the police I understand why this adds another layer of complexity.

First . Do you feel in danger in anyway. Lack of boundaries in sexual activity doesn't necessarily translate to day to day life. If you feel unsafe in ANY way then you need to leave. End of. (This may mean him leaving but that is for you to decide)

If you do not feel threatened then you need to think about your future. Are you dependent on him financially? Are you planning to return to work. ? If the answers are yes, then no. Reporting this to his employer is going to have a detrimental effect on you as well as him.

There is also very little chance of the CPS taking this on. Let alone getting far enough to convince a jury. What is right in law is not the same as the likelihood of a achieving justice. I am not saying for one moment that you shouldn't report because the way you describe what happened - it definitely is. I just want you to go into anything you decided to do with eyes wide open and expectations managed. Whilst remembering that you need to persuade 12 people who weren't there that you consented to sex but did not consent to sex without a condom. .. and you have to convince them 'beyond ANY reasonable doubt.'

If you do decide to pursue this then you can expect him to be suspended from work (initially on full pay but less OT and extra responsibilities payments) whilst the case is investigated. If he is found guilty then he will receive a custodial sentence and 65% of his pension will be forfeited. Which will of course affect maintenance.

You also need to notify the PSU who should be involved in the monitoring of one of their own.

There is a lot to consider and 'LTB' may not be appropriate. Then again it maybe. Only you can answer that .

@Benjispruce5

That sounds awful op. He sounds horrible. I don’t know what you should do as I know nothing of your relationship but at the very least he needs to address his attitude and behaviour. Take care of yourself and never feel obligated to do anything sexual with him until you feel he has properly accepted his behaviour was wrong.

It is 100% clear that this rapist is taking energetic steps to shut his victim down & make her too scared of him to say the words "you raped me" to him again.

Yet you imagine he is suddenly going to see the light, admit that his is a rapist who brutally hurt his partner, & "address his attitude"?

And you have the fucking GALL to suggest that OP considers having sex with her rapist again, once he's said sorry he was a naughty boy?

WTF is wrong with you @Benjispruce5?

@DDUW

You are at very high risk if he is strangling you. I cannot emphasise this enough. Don't leave your baby without a mother. Leave him and be safe.

This @angryandscared1. There are so many alarm bells for future harm on top of what he has already done to you but this is the biggest.

You are at a huge risk here, please believe us. I know how hard that is to hear but this man is not safe to be around you or your child.

Now the next thing I am going to say is absolutely not intended to put any responsibility on you for how he behaves at work but it terrifies me that he is a police officer.

He does not respect women at all, he is a rapist and clearly a perpetrator of sexual violence. He should not be a serving officer another minute longer.

It is totally up to you whether you report but you should know that you would be absolutely right to and he does not deserve your help or sympathy.

Do you have support? Friends, family?

That's rape and I would guess that he is watching violent porn. Men copy what they watch. They don't realise we can tell.

If this is not how he has always been, he has watched it on film and wants to do it himself. Either that or some kind of show of dominance. Either way - absolutely horrible. Sorry

He fucking raped you. A ‘good dad’ does not rape his child’s mother.

Do you think I still need to take it?

You still need to take the morning after pill; the withdrawal method is totally unreliable.

I'm so sorry. I've been in a similar situation and I can hear the same bewilderment and shock in your messages that I felt.

I can only echo everyone else.

I would also recommend SARC. You can self refer and go in. You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. But they have lots of support and can put you in touch with counselling and give you the MAP etc. They were brilliant with me.

If I can help at all please pm me or I can reply here.

@beautifulview

I don’t think it fulfils the legal definitions of rape

www.localsolicitors.com/criminal-guides/a-guide-to-uk-rape-laws

But it could be sexual assault. Best to talk to a legal professional.

You are wrong, & in serious need of checking your own boundaries.

What part of your own link did you not understand, @beautifulview?
The Sexual Offences Act 2003 states that the definition of ‘rape' is the penetration with a penis of a vagina, anus or the mouth of another person when consent has not been given.

Or is it that you are having difficulty understanding that when someone consents to gentle sex with a condom, but instead endures rough sex, hands round her throat, & sex without a condom, despite frequently asking her partner to stop hurting her, & is ignored - that this constitutes rape?

Blimey. The relationship would be over for me. I would never be able to trust him again - with anything, not just in bed. He wouldn't be the man I thought he was so my view of him would be forever changed.

I'm really sorry, OP.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP, this was horrible to read. As others have said, what happened was rape and its vital that you get away from him. Please reach out to family/friends you trust and stay away from him. He's gaslighting you, please don't internalise what he's said xx

You don't want to ruin his life but he's perfectly fine with raping you, his partner and mother of his child.

@Fizzbangwallop

I missed seeing that he’s in the police. That makes it even more important that you report the assault. He really isn’t a suitable person to be a policeman. He shouldn’t be part of an organisation that is supposed to protect the public.

Yes ... BUT ...

OP's first duty is not to protect anyone else.
Her first duty is to protect herself, & her baby.

Telling the police would be the best protection she can arrange, given the circumstances. OP - I understand how scary & impossible everything feels right now. Saw that you will be calling Rape Crisis, & that is a very good start.

May I also recommend that you see your GP asap?
You may find that this is the 'easiest' (sorry - I know it won''t be) place to start talking to a real-life person. You will be so safe in the surgery, your GP will understand & can examine you, as well as get you the MAP.
Is this something you feel up to? Because it is also a 'softer' way of having an official record of the fact of the rape - and any injuries (internal?) resultant from that brute's handling of you.

You don't have to be the heroine who stops a rapist policeman from re-offending. That is not your job, not your responsibility.
But you DO have to be the heroine who stops that rapist from ever touching you again, & protects herself from his control & anger.
So if the thought of reporting to the police is too much ... that is perfectly understandable & ok. But please, please, PLEASE, tell your GP, & ask them to officially place the facts on your record.

@angryandscared1

Just to say we aren't married so there's no legal complexities etc if we were to separate. Just childcare arrangements. I don't think he would fight me for custody, but he would definitely want regular contact.

Think about it this was your daughter telling you this story. You would surely encourage her to report it. Please give yourself the same grace and love - this “man” has violated you, fully aware of his actions and has literally no remorse or shame.

Report the rape. Whatever happens to him as a result is solely down to his disgusting actions alone.

Contact with your child can be regular but supervised in contact centre only.

So sorry this happened to you.

Oh love I'm so sorry - yes it's rape, and it sounds like he hasn't been respecting your boundaries for a long time. The hand on the throat getting "carried away in the moment" is bullshit - he knows what he's doing, he's just pushing to see what he can get away with.

Blaming you for having less sex is disgusting - frankly you've been having a hell of a lot more sex that a lot of couple in the first months after a baby, my DH and I have had sex maybe a dozen times since our son was born and he's 15 months.

I hope you can get him to leave safely and easily. You will manage with your baby - yes it'll be hard, but you'll get through, and won't have this bastard hanging around waiting for sex. Take care