Partner has no respect for my sexual boundaries

[angryandscared1]

I'm so angry and upset. NC for this but regular poster.

I'm sorry this is quite long and some graphic descriptions of sexual nature so please don't read on if this isn't for you.

Partner and I have 7 month baby, things have been v stressful since baby was born, no time for each other etc. We've been working on it.

We very rarely have sex, it's just impossible to find the time or energy, both always exhausted. I'd say we have sex once every 2-3 weeks since baby's birth, it used to be every other day or at least 4 times a week so I understand his frustration. I also feel differently now, hate my body how it's changed so much (used to be slim and toned now have larger tummy and thighs), and also I just don't have much libido anymore.

Anyway last night we were kissing in bed etc and I said I wanted to try and have sex. I was very clear it had to be with a condom or nothing (I'm not on any birth control at the moment and definitely don't want another baby yet), and I also said I need you to be gentle and careful. He agreed. He then proceeded to be quite rough with his fingers, I had to remind him twice please be gentle that hurts. Then he attempted to penetrate me without the condom on, I said what are you doing, he said I wanted to "feel you" - I said again, no we need to take this seriously as I don't want to end up pregnant again. He seemed to accept that but the rest of the foreplay seemed half hearted so I felt he wasn't interested and was impatient to get to the "main event". He kept pushing to penetrate me (more with his body language than anything). I felt under pressure. He also had his hand on my throat at one point - I removed it but didn't say anything to him. After some foreplay I said ok we can do it now - he then entered me quite aggressively from behind without a condom (I didn't realise at this point he didn't have one on). I was so taken aback by how rough it was, I didn't know what to say or do, it hurt so much. He was being very aggressive, I tried to get up on my knees to stop the pain but I couldn't. I have no idea why I didn't just say stop, but I was in shock with it. Then he said he was going to ejaculate on my bum - I suddenly realised there was no condom. I started to cry and pull away from him then I just left the bed sat in the bathroom and cried.

Afterwards I said how hurt and angry I was that he has no respect for my boundaries. He claimed it was "hard to remember" to use a condom because we never used to before the baby. I think this is a ridiculous excuse, I said several times please use one. With regard to being rough with me, he said "I thought you wanted rough sex" (not sure how, I'd said several times during foreplay, please be gentle).

This morning he's making me feel like I've done something wrong. I said technically he had raped me by penetrating me against my consent without a condom - he got annoyed when I used that word and said "fine we aren't having sex ever again if you're going accuse me of that - from now on this is a sexless relationship and I'll stay just for the baby".

I'm so confused about the whole thing. Did he rape me? Should I have spoken up sooner and said stop when it hurt? I just can't make sense of any of it and I don't want him anywhere near me anymore.

When I was a teenager I was raped by my boyfriend at the time, similar scenario where I'd consented to certain things and he held me down to override my boundaries. I did scream and shout and begged him to stop before getting away. What made the situation so much more awful was that his parents were sat downstairs laughing about it and as I left his dad cracked a joke about me not bothering to say no again. I was gaslighted and convinced by everyone around me that it wasn't 'real' rape etc etc. My rapist went on to get a job as a club rep with easy access to 18-20 year old girls. I wish I'd reported him. I wish I'd reported everything. But I can't even fully blame him because he had quite obviously been taught by his parents that his behaviour was normal. His older sister was in a relationship with a teacher who got sacked for assault (sexual and physical) of multiple students. My rapists family loved him and would regularly tell the sister that he was too good for her.
A child will learn from the example of its parents.

That’s rape. I honestly think I’d react violently if that happened to me, it’s sick how he’s made you think it’s normal. It’s not your fault.

Good luck op.

1. He is a Rapist. You need to report him. He’s already clearly escalated and it does not matter how nice he may have been in the past. Pregnancy and afterwards are when domestic abusers show their true colours quite often. Please go to the police.

1. You still need to get the morning after pill to protect against pregnancy. You can get pregnant form sperm in his pre-ejeculate.

Please leave him so your child learns from your strength instead

I'm so sorry this happened to you and that your partner turned out to be a rapist, yes.

This made me feel sick. I don't want this to happen to him

Why not? He didn't care about you, the risk of you getting pregnant, and he still doesn't care about your feelings.

I doubt he'll ('d) get a custodial sentence, TBH, as there's not a lot of evidence, and you may not want to go through a gruelling court case, but you do need to leave him. And you should report him. This type of man is likely to become even more abusive when you separate from him, and the best way for you to protect yourself is to report every form of abuse from him, starting now.

I'm speaking from experience.

Please don’t worry about court cases, trials etc at the moment. The chances of this getting anywhere near a courtroom let alone a conviction are extremely small.

Reporting the assault is to keep you and your baby safe away from his abuse. You don’t need to think any further into the future than getting away from a rapist.

This is awful for you OP, I'm so sorry he's rested you like this. You deserve someone who respects you, not this disgusting pig who puts sex before his partner.

He has raped you which is an awful thing for you now to deal with. If you want to report him please do, if you don't please get some support.

Never mind his "it's a sexless marriage from
now on, I'm staying for the baby" he would be lucky if he even still had any type of marriage because of how awful he's behaved. This is not your fault in anyway shape or form

You should not be living with a person who is willing to do something to you that is physically hurting you - sexually or in any other way at all.

The fact that he is willing to hurt you and go on hurting you when he can see he is distressing you means that he is a person to leave. Would you physically inflict pain on another human being for your own pleasure? Would any sane person?

He is not fit to be your partner and certainly not fit to be a father.

I know how difficult it is to deal with all the disruption of separation and of access issues - but you cannot live like this.

The fact that he's a policeman explains why the word rape has made him so angry - he knows what he did constitutes rape, and he knows what will happen next if he doesn't intimidate you into keeping quiet.

This. He doesn't want you to call it rape because he knows what he did.

If he loses his job, his girlfriend and his child that's through HIS actions. You aren't helping him by taking on the consequences of his action. You are only harming yourself

Just another thought @angryandscared1 - when you say you feel sick at the thought of him in prison - is that because it brings home the severity of what he's done to you?

Your head must be all over the place, I'm so sorry

@angryandscared1

If he is found guilty then he will receive a custodial sentence

This made me feel sick. I don't want this to happen to him

But he committed a crime against you.

An intentional crime, one that he would absolutely have known was a crime and he's then angrily tried to intimidate and punish you for knowing this.

Why does he get to escape the consequences of a violent sexual assault? Why is he exempt from the rule of law? Why are you expecting of yourself that your legal rights mean nothing compared to his wish to violently assault you sexually and all he should be expected to do is be a bit sorry?

He committed a crime, he doesn't see that the law applies to him, he sees it as his right to commit violent offences against you. He will not regret it. He will not be sorry because he sees it as his right to rape you. He will resent you for daring to name the crime he has committed against you, that's all.

Well, criminals of all kinds resent being held accountable for their crimes, don't they?

I've just seen your update that he's in the police, if he's an officer then he should know more than anyone that what he was doing was rape. He's fucking awful OP, he should not be allowed to be in that job, he should lose it 100%.

Officers who believe that doing that is okay should not be on the job and going to other rape victims because they're clearly going to treat them like shit too.

Imagine an officer coming to you as a victim and condoning that behaviour, it'a fucking awful.

@DameFanny

Just another thought *@angryandscared1* - when you say you feel sick at the thought of him in prison - is that because it brings home the severity of what he's done to you?

Your head must be all over the place, I'm so sorry

It's because he's the father of my baby and I can't imagine him not being around in her life. It's not just mine and his life I'd be changing forever not I reported him, it's my baby's too. He's never done something this bad to ne before, I don't want to ruin his life.

I just feel sick and can't stop crying. I'm trying to be strong for my baby but the tears won't stop.

@Landlubber2019

That's horrific and you need to protect yourself and get away from this man. He doesn't see any issue in his behaviour and is trying to minimize your feelings. Leave and get yourself to a place of safety x

This

You deserve so much more than this awful man.

@angryandscared1

If he is found guilty then he will receive a custodial sentence

This made me feel sick. I don't want this to happen to him

He may not

Prob won't even get to court

So sorry op
Been there also 😢😢😢

he has been known to shout at me before in anger which I find scary and I've told him many times not to do this because it scares me, but he's never physically hurt me

This is awful. He sounds like a nasty bully. Think about how he might behave with your daughter when she is older. What about when she is an annoying teen? Do you want her to grow up in a household where someone thinks it's ok to get ANGRY and SHOUT .
You really need to leave.

He's horrible.

Anyone with half a brain could tell you were resisting his assault on you.
Men like rough sex because it's a power trip and they hate women.
Same with putting his hand on your throat. These arseholes get off on knowing they have the power to kill you in an instant.

I don't know what your living arrangements are rent/own his place/your place, but this rs needs to end.

Please at least seek help from the places PPs mentioned and go get the MAP just in case.

It is ok to just stop and not continue with anything at all you don't like or want to do in sex. I have had a couple of instances of being pinned down where I sharply rolled to the side shouting GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME.
This wasn't with someone trained like your P to apprehend and potentially kill someone though.

Take some time to think about things and talk it over with someone you trust.

He's a cruel man, put yourself and your baby first x

What do I do when he comes home from work in a few hours? I don't know what to do or say to him. I have nowhere to go either.

@angryandscared1

To answer some questions. No, I am not dependent on him financially, I have my own job to return to after maternity leave ends and it is a good job - I earn more than enough to support myself and my baby. No, I don't feel threatened by him in day to day life, he has been known to shout at me before in anger which I find scary and I've told him many times not to do this because it scares me, but he's never physically hurt me. Sexually he's always been a bit rough for my liking but I've told him so many times. When I've said stop in the past he has done so. I didn't say it this time, I don't know why. I just couldn't believe how rough it was and was trying to bite my lip through the pain. But when i became aware about the lack of condom I just couldn't anymore, that was too far. I wish I'd said stop

You've told him many times it scares you when he shouts at you. He still does it.

You've told him many times he's too rough during sex. He may have stopped at the time, but he still keeps on doing it.

You told him repeatedly you wanted him to use a condom. He still didn't.

You shouldn't have to keep telling him the same things over and over.

Often we freeze in these sort of situations. It's one of the most common reactions. He's upped the ante this time.

I wouldn't worry about him ending up in jail if you report. The chances of a prosecution are tiny.

But he's a real danger to you. Having it on file could go some way to protecting you.

Oh gosh I wish it were that simple -- that you could report him, without negative consequences for yourself, and everyone would agree that he doesn't belong in the police, and something would happen to stop him one way or another from doing anything like this ever again. Reality is more complicated, unfortunately.

I hope you can get advice IRL to help you find a safe way forward.

I am so sorry,can you leave for a few days?do you have somewhere safe to go ie with family or friends.You will need to think of the future with your baby.What is your housing situation?As hard as this is your trust with him is over you can’t live with this fear.Take care.

He is has shown you who he truly is. Believe him.

He's someone who, more than once, has got "carried away in the moment", despite your clearly stated boundaries.

He's someone who puts his own needs first, feels entitled to USE your body to meet them, and blames you when they're not met often enough for his liking.

He's someone who is now gaslighting you.

He's someone who's raped you.

You deserve better OP. Love yourself enough to make the change, and love your daughter enough (because this soon isn't going to just be sexual, I'm pretty sure that his needs, wants and gaslighting will be front and center in other areas of life soon too) to not demonstate THIS as how she should allow a life partner to treat her.

Good luck. You CAN do this, and will absolutely be worth it.

Oh OP I think here it is difficult to escape the Wayne Couzens point because a lot of what you say about him are such red flags and the fact he is well liked at work is also a huge red flag.

The fact that he has never done something that bad doesnt mean that it wont escalate - and his reaction shows that. He ignores your boundaries the fact that it has happened before. And your DD is young as she gets older will he be able to control himself.

Please seek rape crisis support as a minimum

@angryandscared1

What do I do when he comes home from work in a few hours? I don't know what to do or say to him. I have nowhere to go either.

Nowhere? Literally, nowhere? No family or friends?

It's very difficult because if he comes home and you (naturally) avoid confrontation, you will settle into a distanced but low-conflict domestic routine that will just become the new norm.