Partner has no respect for my sexual boundaries

[angryandscared1]

I'm so angry and upset. NC for this but regular poster.

I'm sorry this is quite long and some graphic descriptions of sexual nature so please don't read on if this isn't for you.

Partner and I have 7 month baby, things have been v stressful since baby was born, no time for each other etc. We've been working on it.

We very rarely have sex, it's just impossible to find the time or energy, both always exhausted. I'd say we have sex once every 2-3 weeks since baby's birth, it used to be every other day or at least 4 times a week so I understand his frustration. I also feel differently now, hate my body how it's changed so much (used to be slim and toned now have larger tummy and thighs), and also I just don't have much libido anymore.

Anyway last night we were kissing in bed etc and I said I wanted to try and have sex. I was very clear it had to be with a condom or nothing (I'm not on any birth control at the moment and definitely don't want another baby yet), and I also said I need you to be gentle and careful. He agreed. He then proceeded to be quite rough with his fingers, I had to remind him twice please be gentle that hurts. Then he attempted to penetrate me without the condom on, I said what are you doing, he said I wanted to "feel you" - I said again, no we need to take this seriously as I don't want to end up pregnant again. He seemed to accept that but the rest of the foreplay seemed half hearted so I felt he wasn't interested and was impatient to get to the "main event". He kept pushing to penetrate me (more with his body language than anything). I felt under pressure. He also had his hand on my throat at one point - I removed it but didn't say anything to him. After some foreplay I said ok we can do it now - he then entered me quite aggressively from behind without a condom (I didn't realise at this point he didn't have one on). I was so taken aback by how rough it was, I didn't know what to say or do, it hurt so much. He was being very aggressive, I tried to get up on my knees to stop the pain but I couldn't. I have no idea why I didn't just say stop, but I was in shock with it. Then he said he was going to ejaculate on my bum - I suddenly realised there was no condom. I started to cry and pull away from him then I just left the bed sat in the bathroom and cried.

Afterwards I said how hurt and angry I was that he has no respect for my boundaries. He claimed it was "hard to remember" to use a condom because we never used to before the baby. I think this is a ridiculous excuse, I said several times please use one. With regard to being rough with me, he said "I thought you wanted rough sex" (not sure how, I'd said several times during foreplay, please be gentle).

This morning he's making me feel like I've done something wrong. I said technically he had raped me by penetrating me against my consent without a condom - he got annoyed when I used that word and said "fine we aren't having sex ever again if you're going accuse me of that - from now on this is a sexless relationship and I'll stay just for the baby".

I'm so confused about the whole thing. Did he rape me? Should I have spoken up sooner and said stop when it hurt? I just can't make sense of any of it and I don't want him anywhere near me anymore.

@angryandscared1

I threatened the police. He said do you do that and I promise you'll never see me again.

Result.

Him doing it from behind is disturbing. He didn't have to see your face or emotions.

(I might be projecting here, having been mutilated years ago by a breast surgeon who covered my face during removal of superficial skin lesions under local anaesthesia. I overheard him tell the patient in the next cubicle, "You'll look like a butcher's shop by the time I've finished with you." He wasn't wrong!)

Making a mistake when aroused is one thing; imagine, he might have sincerely believed you were into rough sex, despite all you said.

His absolute lack of empathy for you since .... tells a different story and makes me feel that this must be the tip of a monstrous iceberg that you have just learned to accept.

Punishing him is way down the list of priorities. Number one is finding a safe way forward for you and your child. Minimising drama is a good idea at this stage. Also finding some space away from him.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation and I hope you have people in real life who can give you the safe space you need to deal with it. x

It's because he's the father of my baby and I can't imagine him not being around in her life. It's not just mine and his life I'd be changing forever not I reported him, it's my baby's too. He's never done something this bad to ne before, I don't want to ruin his life.

You're in a really dreadful place right now, so bar keeping yourself safe & speaking to rape crisis. Give yourself time to process things.

One thing you need to consider when you've had breathing space, is... would you want a convicted rapist teaching your DD when she's older. I'm not talking about the risk of rape to her so much as the kind of thinking that's really in the head of a man who felt it okay to rape someone. This is sadly who your DH, this is the porn he watches & the "banter" he has with his mates away from your ears, this is what he thinks of women, they are objects for his pleasure & to be abused. Would you want to risk your daughter being exposed to that kind of thinking from a teacher who was responsible for her every day?. If the answer is no, then consider if you really thinks he's going to be a good father to your little girl & that he won't devalue her self worth

I hope you have some RL support soon, I feel so much for what he has done to you. He knows exactly what he did. You do not deserve any of it

@angryandscared1

He has made me feel it's all my fault

My dear OP - you know it's not true, but here's my 2 pence worth - IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

Nobody made him shout at you until you were shaking with fear.
Nobody made him hurt you with his hands & not stop when you repeatedly asked him to.
Nobody made him put you in a stranglehold.
Nobody made him rape you.

You do have places to go.

Late night chemist & "ask for ANI".
Hospital, & ask for an examination (evidence - NOT necessarily for reporting a crime, but certainly for legal help in enforcing that he stays away from you). Staff will help you from here, & guide you to an agency who will protect you.
The friend you mentioned. Is it simply that you are resisting the thought of telling her about it? That's understandable, but ... not sensible. You need somebody in real life on Team You.
Calling Rape Crisis NOW, while he is out.
Do you drive, & have access to a car? - then distance doesn't matter, getting away to a safe house does, no matter where your family live.
A cheap hotel - see above, maybe en route to a safe family member.

@angryandscared1

I threatened the police. He said do you do that and I promise you'll never see me again.

He'd be doing you a favour, so he's unlikely to follow through.

Take the MAP and get a bottle and some formula in. Call your midwife for help if there are issues with getting the baby to take a bottle for a day. You do NOT want another baby with this abusive man as that will make it even harder to leave and get the fucker out of your life.

@AnnieKenney

BackBackBack

Tell him to leave. Tell him he raped you and if he doesn't leave then you will call the police - which will have serious ramifications for him given his job. Tell him the relationship is over and he can find someone else

Please don't do this. He has already displayed concerning signs of escalation - don't issue any threats to his face. Wait until you or he are far apart / you have additional security in place (such as someone else in your home when you tell him to leave). Please - to do otherwise is potentially very dangerous and I say this as someone with over 30 years of experience of working in domestic abuse.

I totally agree. You don't give inclinations of what you want to do or might do, you don't discuss it. You do your homework behind the scenes, and then once things are in order, you get rid-safely!

@lovelybones1

Is pumping enough an option so you can take the MAP

This is what I am doing now. It's hard work.

Just breastfeed your baby, that advice is out of date and he has taken away your medication.

He will be running scared because he knows just how seriously the police will take your complaint.

Please ring 999 now and report your rape. You won't have to leave your home and they will support you.

Thank you for all your advice and support, it has meant to much today. He's staying out of the house tonight, me and baby are safe here. I will pump as much milk as I can then take the MAP. Then I'm going to just try and get some sleep so I can make my plan with a clear head.

@AnnieKenney - do you not get cold standing out in Parliament Square all the time? And did you know my great-grandparents? They lived on Raper Street, round the corner from your mum and dad.

Oh I didn't realise it was out of date. The pharmacist said I couldn't feed her. I'll just take it and feed her then if it's definitely safe?

OP, I'm glad you've got some safe time to rest.

He sounds absolutely vile get rid

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle:

Chilbains would be a small small price to pay for liberation!

Deeds not words!

@angryandscared1

He has made me feel it's all my fault

It's absolutely not your fault. So sorry this has happened.

@angryandscared1

Oh I didn't realise it was out of date. The pharmacist said I couldn't feed her. I'll just take it and feed her then if it's definitely safe?

OP please don't take medical advice off people on the internet. Of the chemist/instructions say not to take it whilst breastfeeding then don't.

Be praclital, he didn't finish at the time as you stopped it, and you are breastfeeding MAP, while an option, is highly unlikely required. Next you said he will go if you ask, and you have nowhere to go, so ask him to leave, you need space. Quit with the 'I can't look after her on my own', that's BS, that is your inner gut not wanting to let go, you can do this. If you have a good job and means, you are ahead of many already. Looking after a loved baby on your own at this point will be much easier on your own, than having him around. Forget the way he's been helping before this occured as it's very doubtful that he will be as he was around you both now, that ship has sailed.
When you think about it more, you will understand that it is becoming a mother that has given you the courage to finally stand up to him. You say he's gripped your throat before, that is never acceptable, and yet you already forgave his past boundary breaking. In all my adult sexual history has no man ever gripped my throat, it's so wrong.
You, will move on from this and have a better life, he will always be the kind of grim man who does this. Be happy you are not like him, his penance is having to live with the damaged man he is - whether that is through porn use or whatever. You get to be happy knowing you've set yourself on a better path from now on. The writing was on the wall before your baby was conceived, you just gained courage through having your child, perhaps because you would not want your DD to accept treatment like this. Don't feel small, he has shown he has no respect for women in general given what he's done, it's not personal, it's all his problem and no reflection on you at all. Your DD may have just empowered you to get out of a situation you always needed to be away from.

Also I'm not sure about all this talk of taking MAP, anyway. From your post you left the room before it got to that point anyway. I understand pregnancy isn't impossible but it's highly improbable. I'm a bit concerned about how people on this thread seem to have talked you into this, which entirely clouds the issue at hand.

If the pharmacist said not to take it whilst breastfeeding then don't.

Yes that's right I stopped it before he had chance to finish so I do think it's unlikely I'd get pregnant. My head is still all over but I'm relieved he's not near me anymore.

People asking about my friend, she has small children and I wouldn't want to bother her with this, she's got a lot going on too. I don't want to burden people.

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/ehc/

Is where you need to go. Pharmacists and Doctor usually just say no but there are plently of information sources out there

Even though your family isn't close by, I think it would be a good idea to call them and seek emotional, if not 'practical' support from them. Just having people who 'have your back' knowing what's going on can give one strength and reassurance.

@angryandscared1

People asking about my friend, she has small children and I wouldn't want to bother her with this, she's got a lot going on too. I don't want to burden people.

You have a baby too. If this happened to her, you'd still want her to feel able to reach out to you for support, right?

You wouldn't think she was being a burden for doing so, right?

You need support to help you process this

@KurtWilde

Also I'm not sure about all this talk of taking MAP, anyway. From your post you left the room before it got to that point anyway. I understand pregnancy isn't impossible but it's highly improbable. I'm a bit concerned about how people on this thread seem to have talked you into this, which entirely clouds the issue at hand.

If the pharmacist said not to take it whilst breastfeeding then don't.

The breastfeeding network is a reputable source. Pharmacists (and doctors) will often err on the side of caution when it comes to breastfeeding, but this can actually be more harmful by impacting on the breastfeeding relationship.

Even if your family are a 6hoir drove away, tell them you need them to come and get you and they will. They won’t ask and they will know something is up. You don’t have to worry about work pack your stuff, get your documents and go if you feel up to driving, book a hotel half way if you need to sleep. The rest can be dealt with later.