Partner is annoyed that I'm unwell and asking for help

[LisaVanderpump1]

Sorry that this is probably going to be a bit long and rambling, but I'm disappointed and upset, and questioning my relationship.

I pinched a nerve earlier in the week (I think my sciatic nerve), and I've been constantly really uncomfortable/in active pain for the last couple of days. I'm struggling to get around, can't bend over and certain positions send my back into spasm. The pain is also in my leg, making it weak, so I'm a little shaky on my feet too.

I'm incredibly rarely ill, and I'm trying to do as much as I can for myself, but I just need 10 seconds of help here and there to pick something up that's on the floor/too low down for me to reach without being terrified I'm going to keel over.

Sadly, my partner seems genuinely annoyed by the whole thing, like it's affecting him more than it's affecting me. He's made a couple of "jokes" about me getting an Oscar, as if he thinks I'm hamming up how much pain I'm in.

This morning, I needed the toilet. At the moment, it's a very undignified affair involving me squatting because I can't sit on the loo comfortably (sorry if this is TMI, but if you're ever struggled with sciatica, you know how it is). I had to call him in to hand me a fresh toilet roll, and then again a few moments later to hand me something else that was on the floor. He made some comment about not wanting to see my "sh*tty arse" and why couldn't I have asked for both things the first time. He also said something like "it isn't fair what you're doing to me", which I guess is a nod to how it's not exactly sexy to see your partner in such a way. Trust me, I have no desire to be in this situation and feel really vulnerable having to ask for help and being seen at pretty undignified moments. He's now ignoring me, and doesn't respond if I say anything to him.

I just don't feel that he's being very compassionate or understanding. When he's been physically hurt and struggling, I've rallied around after him without complaint. I even do it if he's just feeling tired after a long week. If he was in this position, I'd feel bad for him and help at any opportunity I could without any desire to make him feel guilty.

Honestly, it's really making me question the relationship - how can he be OK making me feel guilty for asking for a little bit of help and seem so unsympathetic and lacking understanding? It also makes me worry about the future when we're older/if I developed a health condition. Am I overthinking this and being unreasonable?

You're right to question the relationship.

He is an arsehole.

No, obviously you're not being unreasonable. He's an arsehole

Definitely question the relationship, this is not partner behaviour. He’s not there for you when you need him, so better off not pretending it’s a relationship of mutual support. Give him an Oscar for faking caring about you so you fell for it, and send him on his way.

Is this the first time he's been like this? Has he seen you ill before?

He is being an arse. Selfish. No care for your discomfort and pain.

"He's now ignoring me, and doesn't respond if I say anything to him."
Charming. That's the silent treatment.
Imagine if there was a camera in the corner of the room and imagine someone who loves you and cares about you were watching. Would you be ashamed about the way he is treating you?
If so, then there's your answer. Your DH is emotionally abusive.
He's so used to you pandering to his every need and being his Mummy that he cannot cope with being an equal to you and you needing to be cared for.
He's acting like a child. Don't allow him to do that to you. You are both equal adults.

No you are neither being unreasonable or over thinking this.

This relationship is well and truly over or should be now because its not mutually supportive. What you're now seeing is his silent treatment towards you aka emotional abuse. Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute here over you.

Tell him that from now on you will be treating him exactly how he treats you when he’s sick. Stupid bastard probably doesn’t even realise all the stuff you still manage to do with sciatica - I bet he doesn’t even get out of bed when he’s ‘tired’.

Am I overthinking this and being unreasonable

Are there other situations, outside of this one, where his behaviour makes you question yourself? I'm pretty sure the answer is obvious. If this is how he feels about you, there's no way it will only be manifesting in this situation: I imagine you're just feeling it more in this situation because you're vulnerable.

The solution is not to question yourself. If you think he's being rude, why would you question that? Have you got previous form for not being able to judge when people are rude? Does anybody else make you feel unreasonable or that you overthink?

Ime being ill is a chance to see your dp's true self..
He is a twat op...

He sounds horrible. Any decent partner would do little things like that without even needing to be asked. If he isn't there for you when you need him then what's the point?

YANBU, he’s a selfish dick who’s got it into his head that it’s his job to be looked after not yours and he’s angry that you’re not sticking to what he sees as your side of the bargain.
For me, that would be the end of the relationship. He doesn’t care about you, or your pain, or your feelings. You’re only there to make his life more comfortable, and right now you’re just not doing that so he’s going to be mardy until you fall back into line and start putting him first again.
It’s possible he may realise he’s being a dick and get over himself, but it’d be rare…

Twat of the highest order.

How long have you been together?

Now imagine yourself vulnerable after childbirth/with a newborn/ getting older/ after a stroke/ insert any other life challenge here…

What a twat. Does he have any redeeming features? Is he vey selfish?

Op, he’s telling you who he is and you really should be listening to him.

He sounds vile.
Imagine what he will be like once you have children
Be thankful you've found out what he is like when things aren't going smoothly and get rid

It may not feel like it now but the sciatic pain does have a positive side, you are correct it’s given you a glimpse of what your future with your Partner would be like if you were ever not 100% okay at any point in the future. While you’re laid up a bit coping with the pain and discomfort have a good think!

Ugh no get rid, this is not a nice man. My DH broke both wrists the other year, there was a brief period of time where we both had to consider I might be having to help him out in the toilet, luckily we dodged that bullet, but had it been the case I'd have done it, but with the odd joke. As it was his brother said to make sure he was nice to me! . I helped him however he needed help during the time he was in double cast, that is what you do for people you care about, when they are in need.

When I shattered my ankle I had to be completely non-weight bearing for 3 months. This meant that DH had to help me on/off the toilet, help me shower/wash my hair, fix/bring me meals and into/out of bed and my chair. He never complained ONCE. I'm sure he got tired of the up and down, fetch and carry but he kept it to himself.

Your partner is a shit and you need to bin him.

You’re a faulty appliance, that’s how he sees you.

I bet you usually do all the housework, child rearing, mental load and emotional labour.

He will be one of those sub-human men who leaves if you get cancer or become seriously ill.

I broke my hand, knocked myself stupid and took a chunk out of my face falling over a tree root back in September. My DH helped me use the loo, brushed my hair, comforted me when I cried because it looked so crap, rchanged dressings on demand and managed all 3 children whilst I recovered enough to take back over. He never complained once, and he can be a real whingy, miserable bugger sometimes.
Your partners reaction is not normal, and not something you need to put up with. As others have said, hes telling you who he is. Listen.

Do want children in the future if you don't now?

Horrible, as others have said, imagine his attitude if you have children with him. He’s shown you his true colours OP .

Gosh this is heartless and made my blood run cold. I couldn't be with anyone who not only doesn't care but is emotionally abusive to me. I am sorry you are in this situation.

Marriage vows traditionally include the words "for better or worse" for good reason

If you are dating someone that won't help you when you are ill, finds a way to belittle you and is irritated when you need him rather than he need you, then you have a duff model . Throw him back and select a better model!