Partner is annoyed that I'm unwell and asking for help

[LisaVanderpump1]

Sorry that this is probably going to be a bit long and rambling, but I'm disappointed and upset, and questioning my relationship.

I pinched a nerve earlier in the week (I think my sciatic nerve), and I've been constantly really uncomfortable/in active pain for the last couple of days. I'm struggling to get around, can't bend over and certain positions send my back into spasm. The pain is also in my leg, making it weak, so I'm a little shaky on my feet too.

I'm incredibly rarely ill, and I'm trying to do as much as I can for myself, but I just need 10 seconds of help here and there to pick something up that's on the floor/too low down for me to reach without being terrified I'm going to keel over.

Sadly, my partner seems genuinely annoyed by the whole thing, like it's affecting him more than it's affecting me. He's made a couple of "jokes" about me getting an Oscar, as if he thinks I'm hamming up how much pain I'm in.

This morning, I needed the toilet. At the moment, it's a very undignified affair involving me squatting because I can't sit on the loo comfortably (sorry if this is TMI, but if you're ever struggled with sciatica, you know how it is). I had to call him in to hand me a fresh toilet roll, and then again a few moments later to hand me something else that was on the floor. He made some comment about not wanting to see my "sh*tty arse" and why couldn't I have asked for both things the first time. He also said something like "it isn't fair what you're doing to me", which I guess is a nod to how it's not exactly sexy to see your partner in such a way. Trust me, I have no desire to be in this situation and feel really vulnerable having to ask for help and being seen at pretty undignified moments. He's now ignoring me, and doesn't respond if I say anything to him.

I just don't feel that he's being very compassionate or understanding. When he's been physically hurt and struggling, I've rallied around after him without complaint. I even do it if he's just feeling tired after a long week. If he was in this position, I'd feel bad for him and help at any opportunity I could without any desire to make him feel guilty.

Honestly, it's really making me question the relationship - how can he be OK making me feel guilty for asking for a little bit of help and seem so unsympathetic and lacking understanding? It also makes me worry about the future when we're older/if I developed a health condition. Am I overthinking this and being unreasonable?

Bear in mind the 'in sickness and in health' bit. Even if not technically married - if you are in a partnership, this applies. If he's useless to you when you are injured, sick or incapacitated in any way, then he's not a partner worth sticking with at all.

I broke my elbow last year. I'd only been with my boyfriend 10 months, but he picked me up and took me shopping every week till I could drive again, bought me weights so I could do my physio exercises and was just generally lovely.

If he'd have been anything but lovely I would have dumped him!

Do you have DC together.
Who owns the property you live in.

Firstly, please look up the symptoms of Cauda Equina and make sure they aren't happening to you as that can result from sciatic nerves being compressed and it's very serious.

Secondly, he's an utter arse! I herniated a disc and was unable to stand for months, in screaming constant agony, then did it again nine months later. Both times DH took on all childcare for our young children, all housework, all cooking, shopping etc whilst I recovered. He also looked after me by sorting my medication, helping me dress and at the start he lifted me onto the toilet from the floor and off again.

Please don't think you're being unreasonable, your partner is not nice.

You have my sympathy - Sciatic pain is horrible.

I've had back issues throughout my adult life and a few years ago had 3 disc bulges L4, L5 and S1 which showed very clearly on an MRI and I opted (after a while as wanted to try and deal with it on my own... it didn't work!) for a caudal epidural.

After the epidural, I was numb from the waist down for a while and also had come off 3+ months of strong Codeine and hadn't realised I was in withdrawal (as I had to come off all meds 24 hours before the injections with sedation).

I got home after the injections.....was shaking, sweating, felt sick - I went upstairs and managed to sit on the toilet (God knows how as I couldn't feel my arse), promptly leant forward to vomit badly in the bath and then had explosive diarrhea.

I managed to get my phone out the pocket of my jeans, phoned my Husband and hysterically sobbed down the phone to him (he was in the same house) and he came upstairs and helped me get in the shower and cleaned things up. I was so upset as hate asking for help EVER, but felt so low - and he just took complete care of me.

He's seen me at my worst and he's never made it about him, never accused me of faking it or hamming it up and never, ever got angry or ignored me.

You deserve more - surely even in an 'average' relationship, you treat your partner with respect and courtesy?

I'm sorry to hear you're in pain and sorry to hear your partner is a complete twat.

He resents you for recognising your own needs instead of paying him your full attention. It's common in personalities that are abusive. As op said, he sees you as a malfunctioning object.

Absolutely get yourself away from him. It's not normal behaviour and it's not the behaviour of someone who loves you. Hopefully you've found this out before children with him.

Wow, he is a real catch isn’t he!!!

You are partners, helping one another when you are sick is part of the package! How will he manage if you are pregnant- that comes with lots of need for help sometimes? How about if you have a long term condition or a significant injury or a disability?

Personally this would be hugely off-putting. The minimum I expect from a boyfriend is for him to be kind and yours doesn’t sound kind!

He has shown his true colours. He doesn't care about you. I am sorry you had to find out this way.
I have been very unwell in recent years and DH has had to do an awful lot for me, including helping me to the loo and showering.
that is what a decent husband would do.

@PorpoiseWithPurpose

You’re a faulty appliance, that’s how he sees you.

I bet you usually do all the housework, child rearing, mental load and emotional labour.

He will be one of those sub-human men who leaves if you get cancer or become seriously ill.

This. I couldn't say it any better.

He’s shown you his true colours. You know if you stay with him, he won’t really care for you through life’s ups and downs.
This is a deal breaker , really he sounds a nasty piece of work.

Please please please tell us that you don't have children with this man. Take note, this is a taste of what he will be like.

Hopefully you don't have children, have a good job and are independently financially secure. You need to run, very fast indeed. He is not nice. Do not think he will be diffferent if you were pregnant or had children, he won't be, he probably be worse

Dump him, today!

What's that saying, "if you dont love me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best"

My DH has cleaned up my vomit, he's seen just about every bodily fluid I have, he's carried me when I couldn't walk, he's hugged me as I cry in pain.

I have a chronic pain condition, he accepts next to no sex life and a less than attractive partner at times and loves me and accepts that this condition is part of me.

Fucking hell op. I’ve changed a bed bound relatives stoma bag without complaint because I’m not a heartless bitch. What a vile excuse for a human being! Imagine even going through basic morning sickness with someone like that

Wait till he is ailing - I had to do everything for my OH, including stuffing suppositories up, dealing with catheter etc.

He sounds a total pain to me - you do what you have to do for someone you love, even if it is grim.

He sounds utterly vile and selfish. What sort of person won't help someone who's pain.

He’s a twat.

My other half literally gave me a bed bath when I was in hospital & hadnt washed for a week after alternatively vomiting & sweating & shivering. I couldn’t sit up so couldn’t get a shower & he just mentioned a long-standing joke between us & went about what I needed.

What an absolute arsehole!

You are right to question the relationship. This is not the behaviour of a loving partner.

I hope you feel better soon

I'd get rid of him.
He clearly wouldn't stick around if you were sick long term. He's not the one.

Well, now you know he's not someone who will be there for you when you need him. That's not a relationship I'd want to be in tbh.

@Perching

Now imagine yourself vulnerable after childbirth/with a newborn/ getting older/ after a stroke/ insert any other life challenge here…

What a twat. Does he have any redeeming features? Is he vey selfish?

This with bells on

Op I recently was diagnosed with an illness that's left me quite fragile. My dh has had to help me bathe and even cut my toe nails. Not once did he make an issue of it. In fact he was worried I would be upset about needing him to help me!. He sounds awful

He is being horrible. Not wanting to help you, when you're ill, is a massive red flag. He is going to ditch you when you develop other problems through old age. Honestly He is not a good partner, I'd ditch him. You deserve better.

That is chilling OP. Just horrendous.

It’s the end of the road for your relationship.

@WeeTattieBogle

Op, he’s telling you who he is and you really should be listening to him.

This

It’s not even he doesn’t care about you enough help for few seconds at time. And you are hardly asking much only passing things not helping you wash or dress.

The worse part is he is making it all about him! “Poor me I’m worst off in this situation, can’t believe you are expecting this my life is more important woe woe woe.” So not only are you supposed to be in pain and not ask you are supposed feel guilty for asking him completely normal things and who hasn’t ever had to do a toilet roll run for someone in their house?

Only you know if his redeeming features out weigh this but life is very unexpected illness and accidents can hit any time. You could get pregnant and be throwing up
For 9m and unable to move. You don’t really want build your future on someone betting on fact you will never need help Or it be unbearable.