Partner is annoyed that I'm unwell and asking for help

[LisaVanderpump1]

Sorry that this is probably going to be a bit long and rambling, but I'm disappointed and upset, and questioning my relationship.

I pinched a nerve earlier in the week (I think my sciatic nerve), and I've been constantly really uncomfortable/in active pain for the last couple of days. I'm struggling to get around, can't bend over and certain positions send my back into spasm. The pain is also in my leg, making it weak, so I'm a little shaky on my feet too.

I'm incredibly rarely ill, and I'm trying to do as much as I can for myself, but I just need 10 seconds of help here and there to pick something up that's on the floor/too low down for me to reach without being terrified I'm going to keel over.

Sadly, my partner seems genuinely annoyed by the whole thing, like it's affecting him more than it's affecting me. He's made a couple of "jokes" about me getting an Oscar, as if he thinks I'm hamming up how much pain I'm in.

This morning, I needed the toilet. At the moment, it's a very undignified affair involving me squatting because I can't sit on the loo comfortably (sorry if this is TMI, but if you're ever struggled with sciatica, you know how it is). I had to call him in to hand me a fresh toilet roll, and then again a few moments later to hand me something else that was on the floor. He made some comment about not wanting to see my "sh*tty arse" and why couldn't I have asked for both things the first time. He also said something like "it isn't fair what you're doing to me", which I guess is a nod to how it's not exactly sexy to see your partner in such a way. Trust me, I have no desire to be in this situation and feel really vulnerable having to ask for help and being seen at pretty undignified moments. He's now ignoring me, and doesn't respond if I say anything to him.

I just don't feel that he's being very compassionate or understanding. When he's been physically hurt and struggling, I've rallied around after him without complaint. I even do it if he's just feeling tired after a long week. If he was in this position, I'd feel bad for him and help at any opportunity I could without any desire to make him feel guilty.

Honestly, it's really making me question the relationship - how can he be OK making me feel guilty for asking for a little bit of help and seem so unsympathetic and lacking understanding? It also makes me worry about the future when we're older/if I developed a health condition. Am I overthinking this and being unreasonable?

Op, I am ill at the moment. My dh has done everything to make me more comfortable.
Massages , cuddles , sympathy.. The list is endless.
If he behaved like your dp I would be reconsidering our marriage.

My DH has a rather debilitating chronic illness and I have to do a fair amount for him. He is always in a good deal of pain.

Despite that, on the rare occasions I have been more unwell than he is, he has ordered me to go to bed and rest and taken over, house as much as he can, kids, and looking after me.

Last year I had vestibular neuritis. I couldn't open my eyes without being violently sick for a couple of days, and after three days in bed all I could do was sit in a chair for about another week. I couldn't drive for about two months. He picked up all the slack he could and didn't complain once.

He's helped me in and out of the bath when I was in a bit of a state after having a baby. Washed the blood off my legs that ran down them before he could help me get a pad in place and got me into my underwear because I could not bend. In turn, I've dried his raw arsecrack with a hairdrier and put cream on it when some horrible treatment he had to have gave him the worst thrush I've ever seen.

I'm sorry if this is TMI. But, as you know, these are the realities of life. It's not a Disney movie, it can be messy and hard and sometimes not altogether pleasant. But that's ok if you have each other's backs. He doesn't have your back. My DH says he sounds like a cunt and I just can't disagree with that.

My ex-DH was like this. Trust me, it gets worse, not better, over time.

You are not being unreasonable.
He is telling you who he is.
Speedy recovery op. xx

Reminds me of when I was with my ex husband & I caught a vomiting virus from our then 2 year old. He got in a sulk as I asked to have a lie down on the sofa. I couldn’t even keep water down. As others have said the emotional abuse got worse over time & even though we split it’s really affected me. After we split in my new relationship I broke my toe quite badly. As I could barely stand my partner ironed my kids school clothes, made their lunches & came over after work to help me. That’s how a loving partner treats someone he cares about. You need to be supported & cared for in a relationship, otherwise what’s the point?

He doesn't love you .
My XP was exactly like this, his needs were always paramount. Not surprisingly he was also physically abusive.
My lovely DH was and is my absolute rock when I am I'll/ having a flare up.

He's more of a shit than anything that might have been in the toilet at the time you needed his help. And yes, he will be the type who leaves at the first hint of a serious diagnosis or injury.

DP already helps me with some personal care at times, but I'm absolutely certain that he would do the most intimate stuff without complaint, as I know he's done them for both his grandfathers in the past, one of which was when he was only a teenager.

Can you picture the man you describe aged 15 and calmly and kindly cleaning up a suddenly fecally incontinent, terminally ill grandparent and reassuring them that it's OK, they can't wait until the nurse comes on Wednesday morning and no, he'll do it from now on to give grandma a rest? I can't imagine somebody bitching about picking up a toilet roll doing it.

Bin him. Nobody helping is better than somebody like that.

I wouldnt treat s stranger in need like this let alone my bf!

I would get better and get rid of him.

Not an uncommon reaction to sciatica I'm sorry to say. Many just do not believe how limiting it can be.
Luckily my wife did believe me and understand.
Other people say stupid things like "I get a touch of sciatica sometimes"
NO They DON'T.
It is agony, you may not know how you caused it and there is no treatment.
Best wishes for you to return to being comfortable

@Pumpkinsonparade

Ime being ill is a chance to see your dp's true self.. He is a twat op...

This.

The 'in sickness and in health' bit is there for a reason. He is breaking the contract you both entered into.

DH had had cancer three times and I am currently in a similar situation to you. We have supported each other to the Nth degree in both directions.

In your shoes I would be asking myself if I want to stay in the marriage.

I had a severe pinched nerve in my cervical spine with continuous pain down my shoulder and arm-nothing helped until I received a steroid injection (tried pain Rx, traction, muscle relaxers.) I honestly wondered if I'd ever sleep or have a single day without pain. Your partner is appalling and god forbid should you be pregnant or in labor with his attitude!

Well, you know how he'd be if you were terminally ill or anything. On that basis, is he the one?

What an absolute arsehole. I would finish the relationship over this. You can't stay with someone who treats you like this when ill.

I have a friend who is a machine when it comes to getting stuff done (house immaculate, paperwork, work everything). She had sciatica and could barely do anything.

Please listen to the above replies. DH has seen me twice on a life support machine in an coma. The recovery from each was incredibly slow and I had to learn to walk again. He carried me physically and mentally through those times and has done so again this past fortnight while I’ve been laid low with Covid. This is what love means, not hearts and flowers, it’s knowing they’ll be there for you at your weakest.

He's an uncaring fucker, isn't he? Let's hope he never needs your help.

Sounds familiar. What's he like on your birthdays, Lisa?

I hope you recover very soon

Neither use nor ornament as the older ones would say.

True colours, hope he stays in good health, because you're not going to help him op, are you?

I'd say typical man, but I know I'd get a slating.

Hope you feel better soon.
x

He sounds just like my exH. When I was ill he would fuck off and stay at his mum's house because I 'was boring'. He didn't care if I had food or medicine and when I pulled him up on it he told me that it was my fault for not making it clear to him I needed food/medicine.

He was a selfish gaslighting little fuck, and I divorced him not long after. I think thats the best solution for you too. A partner is supposed to improve your life. Not make you worried to be ill in case it's inconvenient for him.

I had a trial separation from my partner in the summer, at my instigation.
Every day while he wasn't living here, he messaged to check I was ok. One day, I had a really bad migraine, and told him on a message. Within 15 minutes, he was on the doorstep with painkillers and a drink that he knows I like.
One of the reasons I asked him to come back was that. He wasn't even trying to kiss my arse, it's just what he does. That shit is so important, especially as you get older.

You are entirely reasonable in your doubts about the future. Can't imagine what he'll be like when you're older. For someone who's been injured, you're being treated terribly. He's sulking because he wants to punish you for falling out of line, for having expectations. I wonder if in his mind you are the one who is meant to be running after him, not the other way around.

Who does the cooking, cleaning, general housekeeping, and organising of social events between you?

I have recurring sciatica and so can empathise with the pain.

Have you seen a GP? Get some naproxen, amitryplinline and an osteopath appointment if you can afford it.

Your partner is a twat but you know that already.

When somebody shows you who they are, take notice of it. Your “D”P is a selfish arse. LTB.

He's a prick and showing you his true colours.

When DH and I have been unwell we've been up in hospital with each other, taking DC out the way so the other can have rest, even helping with showering, carrying the domestic load whilst the poorly one recovers. That's what partnership is.

Your DP isn't showing he wants to be a caring and compassionate partner.

This is the shape of things to come. Will he have your back if you have to take care of an aged or disabled relative or friend or if you become really ill? No. Meanwhile while you consider this, Youtube has many great vids for your daily or twice daily sciatica routine exercises which will help you get better faster once the crisis pain has calmed a bit.

I would get rid of him honestly. I went to fit, active and happy to ill and not active due to illness and my husband has been tremendous. it isn't until the SHTF that you really know a person.

He’s a knob and he is no partner to you
Hope you’ve read all this and can ltb