So, apparently I am the manipulative ex wife....

[abyssiniam8]

I don't know if I am being silly at being this upset about this.

Divorced from ex for 4 years. He had multiple affairs and is now with ow. 20 years of marriage being gaslit, emotional abuse etc. I even ended up hospitalized as he really made me think I was going insane.

Have two older dc, age 22 and 18. They are both in full time education and live with me. The eldest does not have much contact with his dad for a few years now, due to disliking his new family. 18 year old has recently gone nc for similar issues, I don't blame her at all as she is completely excluded if she went there, if she says no thanks to a smoke or a drink they take the piss out of her for being a 'nerd'. (they drink far too much and I have long suspected he is a functional alcoholic). Dd has had a lot of health issues and absolutely cannot drink alcohol with the medication she takes, but just goes along with it for the peace otherwise they (he and the ow 3 children) tease her for being a goody two shoes..... I know, its just unbelievable. Hence me having to deal with the aftermath when she comes back home again, as alcohol knocks out the effects of the meds, so she sort of has to build up again.

Her last visit was a clusterfuck as he just picked on her choices of study, told her she needs to work, told my ds the same as he says he can't afford maintenance anymore so they must now work. (he is a director so not short of a bob or two). Ok so that is the back story.

I am self employed and its been a tough slog, woman in a very male dominated industry. The clients I have are long term clients, and with this have built up a nice relationship with some of them. As in friendship. nothing more. (I really am not interested in meeting someone else).

My ex is in a related industry and we have a couple of mutual clients. One of them is one that I have become quite friendly with.

I saw this client yesterday and he said that he had been to a get together over the weekend and my ex was there. So he and my ex got into a conversation and ex asked the client about me. Client played it cool and did not say that we speak from time to time, just let on it is purely business relationship. Then ex tells him what a manipulative bitch I am, I am stopping his dc from seeing him by putting stuff in their head about him, I have made life hell for him, I am a money sponge and says I blow all maintenance money on clothing for dd and I and ds is left to wear clothing with holes in.... (this came about as he bought underwear for himself but they were too small, so he sent them for ds to wear as they couldn't be returned. Ds messaged him and said thanks for the pants, just what I needed...(being sarcastic).

I just sat there with my jaw dropped to the floor. The dc don't want to see him, that is their choice, because of how he treats them when/if they went to his house. For eg, dd sleeps there and has to use a blow up mattress as they don't even have a bed for her, never mind a room. I am the one who reminds them of his birthday, buys the gifts for birthday, Christmas, fathers day. I often ask them have they been in touch. I have never ever come between their relationship, it is their choice now to not see him, so I don't even discuss him with the dc anymore.

I said to the client that people must believe what they want, as I know the truth. But I am so upset and angry about this. I have grey rocked him so he can't get a reaction out of me, so now is this his next tactic, so stoop so low to say these things to a client!

My dc don't know about it and I won't mention is as dd isn't in a good place health wise (he never even asks how she is) and ds will go off his rocker. And then I can't contact him about it as he will know this client has told me, and he said he was telling me this in confidence, so I don't want to drop him in it. In fact I don't even want him involved at all as it's nothing to do with him.

I just needed to get this off my chest and ask wwyd. I am thinking to just ignore and move on as I know he is a narcissistic piece of shit, and he is just looking for some sort of response or reaction from me. The right thing to do is ignore, right? But I feel so hurt/upset/angry about it.

I can't think of anything that stoops lower than this.

Thats low

Is there any legal redress here? I mean business is business and personal should be miles away from it I suppose time will tell if it has a knock on effect with you if people stop working with you

Just

As much as it might sting just remember what other people think of you is none of your business.

Unhappy people often use smoking and drinking to feel better and become resentful if someone doesn't want to participate as it highlights their need to be reliant on these substances to feel normal.

The 'children' are in fact adults free to make their own decisions. So can do wtf they like regarding him.

The mutual client needs to go. There is no trust anymore. Whatever you say and do will go back to him too via this person.

Haters gonna hate, you know him well enough to know that.

I don't know Theunamed, I haven't even thought about the legal route. But again, that pisses me off as even if I could, now I would need to fork out legal fees, the time, the headspace etc etc.

I am still quite shellshocked in all honesty.

What a piece of shit.

People will see through it all. It may take some people longer than others, but believe me, they will.

Keep on doing what you're doing. Your kids have seen through it all. They're old enough now to make their own minds up and they have.

He's the one that is going to end up sad and lonely.

Fwiw, I had an alcoholic father who didn't remember our birthdays, who left when we were older kids (teens). He damaged the relationship with us. He died and none of us had seen him for months. Or spoken to him. Because he'd pissed us off with these kind of antics too many times. That's the future your ex husband is facing.

Honestly exs particularly men say this shit and have been doing it for years
Its up there with "my wife doesn't understand me"
I am amazed if anyone gives it anymore thought beyond "yes yes timmy i am sure the mean lady is a money grabber "

I personally would be focusing my attention much more on more daughter. What you have written is incredibly troubling.

In all honesty I would just stop engaging with ex at all. Your children are adults. No more birthday cards or presents on their behalf etc etc.

As for the client, I have no words. I feel your anger and DHs ex did similar with a parent of my SDD friend and they refused to let her see SDD when she was with us. It sounds like your client has the measure of your ex otherwise he wouldn't have told you!

I’d look at contacting a solicitor too.
Doesn’t he realise the dc are adults? They make their own choices. Which he’s probably really bitter about as he cannot control them like he did you.
He’s lower than a snakes belly. I bet you’re glad you’re divorced.
Just thinking, how much contact do you have with this pos? Well, the dc are adults so effectively you don’t need any contact with him.

My ex says the same thing to people (usually mutual friends) but also his colleagues, boss and family - that I stop him seeing the children, spend all the maintenance on myself, have taken his house and his future etc etc.

I actually think he believes this shit.

I'm sorry OP, it is horrible when this happens, and it's very low of him to speak to clients. Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do - you know the truth so it's just about rising above it. (And yes, I'm sure if he defames you, you can sue or threaten an injunction - but this would be so costly and stressful, that the cost would be more than the benefit).

They are adults not children. Stop speaking to him at all. No reminders, no presents, nothing.

The client only you can decide. Is it worth throwing sea

And yes yes to what @JuneOsborne said.
My dad was an abusive drunk who did not know anything about us beyond our achievements which he'd brag about to others. As adults we couldnt stand him. His family fell out with him over his rantings about my mother (theyd been divorced 10 years+ she poisoned the kids, took his money.... pure rubbish)
He died miserable and alone

@chocolateorangeinhaler

As much as it might sting just remember what other people think of you is none of your business.

Unhappy people often use smoking and drinking to feel better and become resentful if someone doesn't want to participate as it highlights their need to be reliant on these substances to feel normal.

The 'children' are in fact adults free to make their own decisions. So can do wtf they like regarding him.

The mutual client needs to go. There is no trust anymore. Whatever you say and do will go back to him too via this person.

Haters gonna hate, you know him well enough to know that.

That is exactly what I said. The dc are adults and this is their free choice to make. It is he that has severed their relationship by being a complete twat to them, but of course he has to lay blame elsewhere.

I cannot lose this client. But you are right, I cannot trust him now as I have no idea how the conversation went. I suppose it one way it was a blessing that I was so stumped by what I had heard, that I didn't even say anything back, only that people should believe what they want to.

Oh gosh, this is horrible for you. Of course this is upsetting, it would upset anyone.

Would it help to turn this around in your head?
Try to think of it this way, would a happy person, someone who has moved on with their life, talk shit about their ex to strangers?
No.
So, in a weird way, I would feel sorry for him.
He clearly is an unhappy, pathetic, and has no life.
You, on the other hand, have moved on and don't need his opinion in your life.

Hard as it is, ignore. Don't let him live in your head rent free.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

Honestly exs particularly men say this shit and have been doing it for years Its up there with "my wife doesn't understand me" I am amazed if anyone gives it anymore thought beyond "yes yes timmy i am sure the mean lady is a money grabber "

I personally would be focusing my attention much more on more daughter. What you have written is incredibly troubling.

This.

Plus it really doesn't matter what he thinks. He's abusive cheater who he thinks he can fuck off and not pay for his kids.

I really wouldn't give it a second thought.

It's shitty that he's talking badly about you to clients though. I'd say call him on it but I think the best thing to do is not engage (harder said than done granted with children visiting him and the aftermath).

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

Honestly exs particularly men say this shit and have been doing it for years Its up there with "my wife doesn't understand me" I am amazed if anyone gives it anymore thought beyond "yes yes timmy i am sure the mean lady is a money grabber "

I personally would be focusing my attention much more on more daughter. What you have written is incredibly troubling.

Living, this is exactly what I am doing. Right now my dd is my top concern, and he does not even have a clue of what it takes for us to get through a day right now, all because of him. She absolutely cannot know about this so I cannot speak openly about it, even with friends incase she gets wind of it.

For those who asked, no, I have no contact with him whatsoever. If he wants to speak to the dc he messages them directly. If he comes to my house to see them, I go out. I have grey rocked him for a while now due to a previous incident as he tried to get a rise out of me for that too. I think this is just his next tactic to try again.

@minou123

Oh gosh, this is horrible for you. Of course this is upsetting, it would upset anyone.

Would it help to turn this around in your head?
Try to think of it this way, would a happy person, someone who has moved on with their life, talk shit about their ex to strangers?
No.
So, in a weird way, I would feel sorry for him.
He clearly is an unhappy, pathetic, and has no life.
You, on the other hand, have moved on and don't need his opinion in your life.

Hard as it is, ignore. Don't let him live in your head rent free.

I doubt very much he is happy. But that is his own doing. He looks like shit (honestly he has aged 20 years in 5 years).

Thanks for posting this. I am so much happier now, I think sometimes I need to remember that. Once again I will move on from his mindfuck games.

It's awful to hear, but honestly what else do you expect? You say yourself he was horrible during the marriage and is likely a functioning alcoholic so he's hardly likely to suddenly have the insight to realise and admit he has done anything wrong. Of course he will paint you that way because any other version of events means he was an arsehole!

That’s dreadful, OP.

How about

Dear Mr Client

I’m so sorry you appear to have been caught up in the post marital relationship issues between my ex and me. It’s unprofessional to say the least, and I apologise if you’ve been given the wrong end of the stick.

I’m glad that we have a good working relationship and I look forward to continuing with you as a client going forward.

Yours sincerely…

Yep, It is 100% is designed to get a rise.
What i crackhanded was getting at in my bleary eyed state was dont waste any emotional energy on this turd.

The situation with your dd sounds very stressful. As i said i think a lot of people will have his number already but vent away on here because he sounds a total twat.
My mum used to remind herself that it could be worse as she could still be married to him...
I think if anything try to think if how you can put more distance eg with DDs choice of uni for example?

Im pleased I've helped abyssiniam8

Of course he is unhappy. I don't know him and I can see that
His opinion means nothing to you.

BTW, your DC sound brilliant. You should be very proud, because that's all your doing

My ex does this too. Nothing is ever his fault. He rarely sees our DS. Goes NC years at a time. He’s been back in contact for a year now and hasn’t seen him once and rarely calls. He will be telling people I stop him having contact with DS.
Ignore it. Laugh about it too, it’s the best way to handle it. He’s a sad, bitter man.

He is still trying to control you through this client.

The best thing you can do is a) hold your head high - the client know who you are, and as pp said, won’t give this any thought beyond how it reflects on your ex b) think to yourself how unhappy ex must be if he has to put you down to feel good about himself c) devote your time and attention to your dd.

Don’t give him satisfaction, or the reaction he wants, by engaging.

Don’t give the situation energy by raising it with the client. Rise above it, don’t fuel it.

Unless the Client is thick surely they won't believe him. Honestly rise above it, these kind of situations usually have a way of working out.

OP I would absolutely talk to him about bad mouthing you to clients as that's trying to ruin your profession reputation. That has to stop immediately. I would go full tilt on that and tell him you will be prepared to take him to court over it.

Men have done this since day dot. My bil did it with his ex wife. I remember being stood at a bar with his new woman and her telling me how awful sil was cheating on him blah blah when in fact it was the other way round. I too stood there shocked and told her maybe he got it the other way way. It caused a massive row between them at the function we was at.

But no way would I take him slandering you to clients. Thats your livelihood he is trying to ruin and I would absolutely not let it go.

Am I right in thinking this client was sceptical about what he was told, hence reporting back to you? I must say, if I met the ex spouse of someone who was doing some work for me in a business context and he immediately started mouthing off about how dreadful his ex was, I would think he was distinctly weird and rather sad.