So, apparently I am the manipulative ex wife....

[abyssiniam8]

I don't know if I am being silly at being this upset about this.

Divorced from ex for 4 years. He had multiple affairs and is now with ow. 20 years of marriage being gaslit, emotional abuse etc. I even ended up hospitalized as he really made me think I was going insane.

Have two older dc, age 22 and 18. They are both in full time education and live with me. The eldest does not have much contact with his dad for a few years now, due to disliking his new family. 18 year old has recently gone nc for similar issues, I don't blame her at all as she is completely excluded if she went there, if she says no thanks to a smoke or a drink they take the piss out of her for being a 'nerd'. (they drink far too much and I have long suspected he is a functional alcoholic). Dd has had a lot of health issues and absolutely cannot drink alcohol with the medication she takes, but just goes along with it for the peace otherwise they (he and the ow 3 children) tease her for being a goody two shoes..... I know, its just unbelievable. Hence me having to deal with the aftermath when she comes back home again, as alcohol knocks out the effects of the meds, so she sort of has to build up again.

Her last visit was a clusterfuck as he just picked on her choices of study, told her she needs to work, told my ds the same as he says he can't afford maintenance anymore so they must now work. (he is a director so not short of a bob or two). Ok so that is the back story.

I am self employed and its been a tough slog, woman in a very male dominated industry. The clients I have are long term clients, and with this have built up a nice relationship with some of them. As in friendship. nothing more. (I really am not interested in meeting someone else).

My ex is in a related industry and we have a couple of mutual clients. One of them is one that I have become quite friendly with.

I saw this client yesterday and he said that he had been to a get together over the weekend and my ex was there. So he and my ex got into a conversation and ex asked the client about me. Client played it cool and did not say that we speak from time to time, just let on it is purely business relationship. Then ex tells him what a manipulative bitch I am, I am stopping his dc from seeing him by putting stuff in their head about him, I have made life hell for him, I am a money sponge and says I blow all maintenance money on clothing for dd and I and ds is left to wear clothing with holes in.... (this came about as he bought underwear for himself but they were too small, so he sent them for ds to wear as they couldn't be returned. Ds messaged him and said thanks for the pants, just what I needed...(being sarcastic).

I just sat there with my jaw dropped to the floor. The dc don't want to see him, that is their choice, because of how he treats them when/if they went to his house. For eg, dd sleeps there and has to use a blow up mattress as they don't even have a bed for her, never mind a room. I am the one who reminds them of his birthday, buys the gifts for birthday, Christmas, fathers day. I often ask them have they been in touch. I have never ever come between their relationship, it is their choice now to not see him, so I don't even discuss him with the dc anymore.

I said to the client that people must believe what they want, as I know the truth. But I am so upset and angry about this. I have grey rocked him so he can't get a reaction out of me, so now is this his next tactic, so stoop so low to say these things to a client!

My dc don't know about it and I won't mention is as dd isn't in a good place health wise (he never even asks how she is) and ds will go off his rocker. And then I can't contact him about it as he will know this client has told me, and he said he was telling me this in confidence, so I don't want to drop him in it. In fact I don't even want him involved at all as it's nothing to do with him.

I just needed to get this off my chest and ask wwyd. I am thinking to just ignore and move on as I know he is a narcissistic piece of shit, and he is just looking for some sort of response or reaction from me. The right thing to do is ignore, right? But I feel so hurt/upset/angry about it.

I can't think of anything that stoops lower than this.

Oh and he doesn’t get to come to your house anymore

My ex-h's now wife writes the most awful rubbish about me and my kids (her step kids) on here, complete bile. It does make me a bit sceptical about believing what is written on here generally, which is sad.

There really are some very bitter, jealous, nasty people in the world. Thank god they are now ex's at least!

Have to say OP, the fact the client mentioned it to you spoke volumes to me.

He doesn't believe him, just putting you on your guard about your ex.

Also, your Ex is the one who let himself down, no one cares about his problems, I know you are involved because of your children, but all he achieved was coming across like a bitter moaning whining bustard!

People aren't stupid! next time that client will probably give him a wide berth.

Your Ex is an idiot! Forget about it!

Continue to ignore him, all he wants is a reaction.

Also,

@Cloverforever

My ex-h's now wife writes the most awful rubbish about me and my kids (her step kids) on here, complete bile. It does make me a bit sceptical about believing what is written on here generally, which is sad.

There really are some very bitter, jealous, nasty people in the world. Thank god they are now ex's at least!

It's taken me a very long time to understand how often and how easily men lie to their new partners/family/friends/colleagues about their ex-wives, who are often also the mother of their children. I accept that some ex-wives genuinely are crazy psycho bitches, but increasingly I work on the assumption that they're not and whoever is saying they are is probably wrong. My own reverse bias...!

My ex tells everyone that I kicked him out when he was suffering a breakdown and mental illness, wouldn't let him see the kids

He omits the fact he was arrested for trying to strangle me, and seriously assaulted me in-front of the dc. It was Ss that wouldn't let him see the kids

A legal gag? Wouldn't he just say 'My ex-wife has had an injunction taken out on me to prevent me speaking out so I'll say no more' and wouldn't that actually be worse??

I don't think the client would have told you if s/he in any way believed your ex. Still, it's annoying & embarrassing to even have that conversation with the client. You said exactly the right thing though & I'm sure that ignoring it all and just venting here is the way to go. Your ex sounds like such an ARSE!! I'm so angry on your behalf. He surely knows damn well your daughter shouldn't drink alcohol on her meds?! How can he be such a bully to her?! Astonishing.

Don't remind your children about his birthday etc any more. A gentle reminder that they don't have to go & see him at all might be in order. And don't let him come to your house. He's just a spiteful, moronic bully and he can get in the sea

I would say calm down. This client told you what your ex had said. They did that out of respect for you. Transcend this shite.
People know an unhinged person when they meet them as would your client when he met your Ex.
I'd leave well enough alone and carry on as if it never happened. He must love to place himself as a victim in the centre of a drama your Ex, so don't feed into that by giving him any reaction.

Do you kind of control your ex's relationships with your kids? you say
"I am the one who reminds them of his birthday, buys the gifts for birthday, Christmas, fathers day. I often ask them have they been in touch".
Why would you ask your kids if they have been in touch? I don't get it. That would give them the impression that you need them to keep having a relationship with him, and you buy cards and presents to keep that going, yet you also say how he's more or less forcing drink on your DD.

I would definitely not tell your kids about what your ex said to your client.
If you kick off about your Ex to your kids, they feel responsible for him and his bad behaviour towards you. They feel bad about that.
Your kids share his DNA and they have no choice in that. They will automatically feel partially responsible and get bad feelings when his shitty behaviour affects you.
The only way they know if affects you is if you are talking about it.
Therefore the less they know about how his behaviour affects you the better for them.

The client told you as he believes you and has effectively sided with you.

I wouldn't say a thing about it to anyone, the ex is only making himself seem bitter and ridiculous to all - especially with now grown children refusing to see him. The kids aren't exactly tots being withheld by Mum, are they.

Continue to run your business as the professional you are, grey rock the angry loser.

The fact the client told you means that they don’t believe your ex and they trust YOU. Any man who talks like that is a jerk. They were telling you so you know what’s been said.

Not comfortable but if it comes up again say ‘sadly you have seen the sort of man he is, no let’s get on with work…’

I suspect my ex says the same about me and my circumstances are similar to yours. I have learnt over the years to rise above it. Although I can see how it's awkward that he has had this conversation with a mutual client - it's extremely unprofessional. Hopefully they will see through him and not take what he's said at face value.

Welcome to the club! I am also a manipulative ex-wife. I heard we get together and cackle round a cauldron.

I once socialised with a "friend of a friend" who realised, after some social chat, that I was teaching his two children. I was treated to a eulogy to his daughter ("my little angel") and told how harsh and uncaring their mother was. I didn't know the expression "Disney Dad" then, but he fitted the stereotype. I also knew their mother; a hardworking lady doing the actual grunt work of child rearing on an unreliable income. Politeness prevented me from contradicting him, but I wasn't foxed for a moment.
My guess is that your mutual client is well aware of the truth; they have shown no wariness of you, and probably worked things out quite rapidly, but in a social situation, they just made politely sympathetic noises, while resolving to warn you discreetly what is going on, rather than shunning you because of your "unreasonable" behaviour.

@Cloverforever

My ex-h's now wife writes the most awful rubbish about me and my kids (her step kids) on here, complete bile. It does make me a bit sceptical about believing what is written on here generally, which is sad.

There really are some very bitter, jealous, nasty people in the world. Thank god they are now ex's at least!

One woman’s bile is another’s truth.

I couldn’t agree more that there are some very bitter, jealous and nasty people in this world.

Thank you everyone.

Yes, my client did tell me as a heads up as to this is the way ex is speaking about me. He didn't quite know how to come out with it, it was clear he was uncomfortable.

I did have to take quite a long trip this morning, so had some time to digest it. I won't be looking to take legal action and I am not going to contact ex about it either. I think that will be me falling into the trap, as this is just an attempt to unsettle me, once again.

@DFOD Yes this has knocked me off kilter, am I am annoyed at myself that I have let it affect me like this.

I most definitely will not be buying presents or reminding the dc going forward (I haven't for a little while so I think its a factor) and I do suppose this was always done as me keeping the peace, as it was just easier than way, than having to deal with a bully.

I also just find it unbelievable that he thinks I make decisions for two grown adults.

He convinces himself that you must be the wicked witch now because his ego won't allow him to face the truth: that he is to blame for this situation.

Same for the decisions made by your children. His ego cannot possibly accept that they might see him as anything other than the perfect father.

You are going through a really shit experience and I really feel for you. I echo the advice to rise above it, do not react, because the truth will most certainly out.

OP as with many situations we’re only hearing one side of the story. I’m sure you’ve said unkind things about your ex and possibly some things to warrant being bad mouthed by him, surely this is normal in a marriage breakdown. What is fundamentally very bad practice is your client telling you this. How extremely unprofessional what did he have to gain from telling you?

It's not a given that OP has bad mouthed her ex.

I have never said unkind things about my ex other than comments based on facts. I think @Newwifeatnumber10 is trying to compare apples and oranges.

@mpz731play

It's not a given that OP has bad mouthed her ex.

I have never said unkind things about my ex other than comments based on facts. I think @Newwifeatnumber10 is trying to compare apples and oranges.

Crikey, you’ve never bad mouthed an ex? You must be a saint!

Not sure how I’m comparing apples and oranges? Two people in a split?

The client definitely knows the truth of the matter because if they didn't, they wouldn't have mentioned it to you.

@Newwifeatnumber10

I think you making a false comparison in the sense that the betrayed partner could make comments based on fact (i.e. it is fact that he cheated, so she could call him 'a cheat') whereas the cheater in this case appears to be trying to put a spin/control the narrative, with nebulous theories plucked out of the air.

I think the husband in this scenario is projecting. He thinks his ex is being manipulative because he is.

@Newwifeatnumber10

OP as with many situations we’re only hearing one side of the story. I’m sure you’ve said unkind things about your ex and possibly some things to warrant being bad mouthed by him, surely this is normal in a marriage breakdown. What is fundamentally very bad practice is your client telling you this. How extremely unprofessional what did he have to gain from telling you?

There's a big difference between unkind, "he's such a wanker, and always left dirty toe nails on the bathroom floor" vs outright lies, "OP is a manipulative bitch who keeps the children from me" or things that anyone can say just aren't true, "blows maintenance money on clothes" - the money is the money, it's not like no new clothes can be bought if maintenance is also being paid.

Whatever the reasons and situation we only have one side of the story and as I’ve said previously on this thread one person’s truth is another one’s ‘bile’!

The ex husband may well feel aggrieved that the ex wife is spending money on things he feels are wasteful but she thinks are essential. Please don’t turn this into an ‘essential’ convo that’s just an example.

In my opinion whatever the ex spends is up to her, none of anyone’s business. What grips me is the ex wife dictating and belittling the life of husband and his wife because it doesn’t suit her and using the kids and money as the excuse.

But I’m seeing this from the ‘new’ wife perspective. I’m not interested in what the ex does, I just want her to mind her own business and stop seeing injustice where it isn’t there. I’m not saying that’s what OP is doing, just trying to put across where my perspective is.

@altmember

Your kids are 18 and 22? They're adults, so whatever contact they want/have with their dad is totally down to them, can't be your fault or problem any more. If your daughter can't drink for medical reasons, then she needs to stand up for herself and not drink, the coercion there is a bit concerning. Does she drink when she goes out with her friends? I can see his point about paying maintenance, certainly for a 22 year old. And you definitely shouldnt be buying presents on their behalf.

I don't think there's much you can do about him bad mouthing you, but most people he tells will see straight through that, like your client seems to have. There's nothing more pathetic than a vocal bitter ex.

My dd doesn't drink alcohol. Usually. She is very health conscious and is at a high level of the sport she does. She doesn't even drink or get peer pressured by her friends if they go out. They know the situation and it's a non issue.

But when she was going to ex she said it's was just easier to accept the drink and have some of it, than have to deal with all the name calling and general abuse that came her way for not 'joining in'. He makes out that is the cool house, so she can do as she pleases, implying I don't allow her to drink/smoke . I definitely don't encourage drinking as I know I will be dealing with the after effects. A pp explained it well and I think there as they drink heavily, not drinking then isn't the norm. She too is just being bullied to do things she isn't comfortable with. And I know it's easy to say, just say no thanks (I did even say that to her at one point), but it's not that straightforward when put in that position. And this had been happening for a while, before she was even legal drinking age. She ended up back in hospital after a visit had a alcoholic pop drink. Due to this and a meds clash , she had such a serious case of dissociation (she calls it an out of body experience) that she fell into a swimming pool and almost drowned. Yet, still after me once again telling him to not offer her alcohol, he still did! This experience was fairly recent and her last visit when he once again insisted she join in with the 'party' was what made her realise she needs to go NC as she is just so worn down. After the clash episode she hadn't been to him much and this was the first visit since, clearly being the cool dad was more important than her health.

Wrt to maintenance, I have a legal contract stating that he is liable to pay maintenance for both DC whilst they are in full time education. Which they both are. So because he no longer wants to pay, (as he is not seeing them) , he has told them both to go get a job.

I can't believe I was married to this man!

If he is saying things like that to a mutual business contact then it is most definitely defamation of character and slanderous. I'd take some legal advice on it.