So, apparently I am the manipulative ex wife....

[abyssiniam8]

I don't know if I am being silly at being this upset about this.

Divorced from ex for 4 years. He had multiple affairs and is now with ow. 20 years of marriage being gaslit, emotional abuse etc. I even ended up hospitalized as he really made me think I was going insane.

Have two older dc, age 22 and 18. They are both in full time education and live with me. The eldest does not have much contact with his dad for a few years now, due to disliking his new family. 18 year old has recently gone nc for similar issues, I don't blame her at all as she is completely excluded if she went there, if she says no thanks to a smoke or a drink they take the piss out of her for being a 'nerd'. (they drink far too much and I have long suspected he is a functional alcoholic). Dd has had a lot of health issues and absolutely cannot drink alcohol with the medication she takes, but just goes along with it for the peace otherwise they (he and the ow 3 children) tease her for being a goody two shoes..... I know, its just unbelievable. Hence me having to deal with the aftermath when she comes back home again, as alcohol knocks out the effects of the meds, so she sort of has to build up again.

Her last visit was a clusterfuck as he just picked on her choices of study, told her she needs to work, told my ds the same as he says he can't afford maintenance anymore so they must now work. (he is a director so not short of a bob or two). Ok so that is the back story.

I am self employed and its been a tough slog, woman in a very male dominated industry. The clients I have are long term clients, and with this have built up a nice relationship with some of them. As in friendship. nothing more. (I really am not interested in meeting someone else).

My ex is in a related industry and we have a couple of mutual clients. One of them is one that I have become quite friendly with.

I saw this client yesterday and he said that he had been to a get together over the weekend and my ex was there. So he and my ex got into a conversation and ex asked the client about me. Client played it cool and did not say that we speak from time to time, just let on it is purely business relationship. Then ex tells him what a manipulative bitch I am, I am stopping his dc from seeing him by putting stuff in their head about him, I have made life hell for him, I am a money sponge and says I blow all maintenance money on clothing for dd and I and ds is left to wear clothing with holes in.... (this came about as he bought underwear for himself but they were too small, so he sent them for ds to wear as they couldn't be returned. Ds messaged him and said thanks for the pants, just what I needed...(being sarcastic).

I just sat there with my jaw dropped to the floor. The dc don't want to see him, that is their choice, because of how he treats them when/if they went to his house. For eg, dd sleeps there and has to use a blow up mattress as they don't even have a bed for her, never mind a room. I am the one who reminds them of his birthday, buys the gifts for birthday, Christmas, fathers day. I often ask them have they been in touch. I have never ever come between their relationship, it is their choice now to not see him, so I don't even discuss him with the dc anymore.

I said to the client that people must believe what they want, as I know the truth. But I am so upset and angry about this. I have grey rocked him so he can't get a reaction out of me, so now is this his next tactic, so stoop so low to say these things to a client!

My dc don't know about it and I won't mention is as dd isn't in a good place health wise (he never even asks how she is) and ds will go off his rocker. And then I can't contact him about it as he will know this client has told me, and he said he was telling me this in confidence, so I don't want to drop him in it. In fact I don't even want him involved at all as it's nothing to do with him.

I just needed to get this off my chest and ask wwyd. I am thinking to just ignore and move on as I know he is a narcissistic piece of shit, and he is just looking for some sort of response or reaction from me. The right thing to do is ignore, right? But I feel so hurt/upset/angry about it.

I can't think of anything that stoops lower than this.

If (and it is a very big if) your DS or DD did want some contact with him, they could meet somewhere public and neutral, like a coffee shop etc, so the pressure about alcohol is less prominent and they can end the meeting easily saying is that the time I must get the bus, or something. He’s showing his true colours and that’s not just family, it’s now professional contacts. I bet your client is wondering if they should continue to work with your DH given how he’s behaved.

I think you're handling this very well, OP, and agree with PP's that your client doesn't believe a word of it, they were just giving you a heads-up.

If you think your ex might say this type of thing to other clients though, it might be worth occasionally mentioning in conversation that your children are adults so people are aware that you couldn't possibly be preventing access to them, IYSWIM. I mean in contexts like someone mentioning that they're going on holiday and you saying that as your DC are adults, you can go away outside of school holidays now! It might sound abit daft, but it doesn't do any harm to subtly undermine your ex's narrative.

Tbh, if he's drinking heavily and looks like shit nowadays, most people will be sceptical of his tirades anyway.

A father, of all people, and a chronic habitual alcohol abuser to boot, calling his own grown-up children ''nerd'' and ''goody two shoes'' for not drinking alcohol - what a fucking shithead. I would have as little to do with him as possible and I would not share any clients with him, even if it meant me losing them.

I’m sorry OP, this is horrid. But honestly, I think it’s to be expected from such a massive tosser!!
He isn’t going to say “she’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I cocked it up. I abused her for years, to the point where she needed medical intervention. I have a drink problem and often refuse to pay the maintenance that I legally owe. And because I’ve been such a colossal wanker my adult children now want nothing to do with me”…. All that is TRUE but never on gods green earth would he acknowledge or admit it.
And that is HIS problem, not yours.. He would be delighted I’m sure if you tackled him on this as he would know he had pissed you off. I would ignore and say nothing, keep the client but engage in no future conversation regarding your pathetic excuse for an ex. I always think that, people like that, they KNOW the truth in their heart of hearts and they have to face themselves everyday. And that must be awful. Leave him to his misery

I think your response to the client was very dignified and pretty perfect.

@Pascal80

A father, of all people, and a chronic habitual alcohol abuser to boot, calling his own grown-up children ''nerd'' and ''goody two shoes'' for not drinking alcohol - what a fucking shithead. I would have as little to do with him as possible and I would not share any clients with him, even if it meant me losing them.

He's quite something isn't he.

I think me not dealing with this client would suit him too, and I don't see why I should lose out on business because of what ex has done and said.

@Buildingthefuture

I’m sorry OP, this is horrid. But honestly, I think it’s to be expected from such a massive tosser!! He isn’t going to say “she’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I cocked it up. I abused her for years, to the point where she needed medical intervention. I have a drink problem and often refuse to pay the maintenance that I legally owe. And because I’ve been such a colossal wanker my adult children now want nothing to do with me”…. All that is TRUE but never on gods green earth would he acknowledge or admit it. And that is HIS problem, not yours.. He would be delighted I’m sure if you tackled him on this as he would know he had pissed you off. I would ignore and say nothing, keep the client but engage in no future conversation regarding your pathetic excuse for an ex. I always think that, people like that, they KNOW the truth in their heart of hearts and they have to face themselves everyday. And that must be awful. Leave him to his misery

He has such an inflated ego I do often wonder if he ever looks back and thinks about what he's put me through over the years. The day he left he made a point of discussing every family member of mine and telling me what he thought about each one. Including my mother and father! My brother is a waste of space, my father is a prick, my mother is xyz. You just could not make it up. Yet this is the side of family that were there for him for more than 20 years.

I don't know how he sleeps at night. I am so thankful to be rid of him, but he is my DC's father for life.

My ex was a functioning alcoholic. He attacked our son who was then 18. We left and our son chose not to see or speak to his dad. After 18 months his older sibling engineered a meeting . DS does not want any regular contact but the ex keeps asking if I will be angry if they meet as if I am stopping DS. DS is an adult who makes his own decisions but ex still cannot see the rift is his own fault . I would just ignore and I think you handled it brilliantly. Ex sounds bitter that you are doing well and have a great relationship with DC .

Yeah me too. It's just words. They trot it out because they don't want to reflect upon their own actions and be accountable my ex wouldn't want to lose his sainthood! Those that know you and are important know the truth. Those that listen think it's bull shit. And those that care are insignificant to you. Do t give it any head space.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

As much as it might sting just remember what other people think of you is none of your business.

Unhappy people often use smoking and drinking to feel better and become resentful if someone doesn't want to participate as it highlights their need to be reliant on these substances to feel normal.

The 'children' are in fact adults free to make their own decisions. So can do wtf they like regarding him.

The mutual client needs to go. There is no trust anymore. Whatever you say and do will go back to him too via this person.

Haters gonna hate, you know him well enough to know that.

Absolutely spot on

Try to frame your thoughts around this brilliant advice

Also remember these feelings of shock and anger will fade. What he said about you won't matter a jot in a few days. It's the shock that's made you feel like this.

Keep doing what you're doing

@ChickensForTheHound

Welcome to the club! I am also a manipulative ex-wife. I heard we get together and cackle round a cauldron.

This! It really helps if you can get to a place where you can find it funny. I would quite like to know more details of my lurid alternate existence, as told by my exH. It sounds far more dashing than my actual life, blamelessly respectable as it is.