15 years married and kids, one with special needs, neurodiverse with all the problems that come along with it. DH has some issues. Quite a fragile ego. I work, he's home with the kids.
Things have been rocky over the years but we've muddled through. Generally, outside of arguments, DH is kind and supportive, good Dad, does his fair share, a bit needy but nothing terrible.
The worst thing is that DH loses it in arguments. I mean, as in blows up, says the most outrageous things. It's often, but not just, around our SN kid who puts us under A LOT of pressure with their needs, demands and behaviour. He'll scream and shout, bring up endless past crimes of mine (apparently he has this great memory and I don't hence his version counts even of things I have zero recollection of), he'll call me terrible names, bring in the most painful moments of my life and childhood to weaponise against me. I mean there are no boundaries - I'm talking about parental rejection, bereavement, casting blame etc. He'll often do this in front of the kids. Later he'll apologise and say he didn't mean it.
About 10 years ago, while in an argument, he physically pushed me. He did apologise for that and we moved on. He paints it as a one-off and a non event if I raise it now. But it sticks with me even a decade later. It was scary. I may have left then but the kids were very small and it seemed so overwhelming.
We have been to counselling and I have said that I cannot deal with these arguments. However good things might be between, even if these are infrequent (good times, think every six months, bad times more frequently), I find the resentment growing. I find for months and months afterwards I can't move past the arguments. But it doesn't seem to change, he can't control himself.
So, we recently had a fight. It wasn't such a big deal but he loses it. It was about kids and rules. I told him that the kids don't respect him as he gives in all the time (not so nice but relevant to what we were aruging about). He responded angrily that they don't respect me and they hate me and that I'm a monster. He says this in front of one of the kids. I leave the room and go down to the kitchen and ask him to leave me alone as I do not want to argue with the kids there as it's becoming nasty. He follows me, screaming at me how awful I am as I am walking away. In the kitchen I try to walk away from him as he has followed me there and he grabs my arms hard (enough to leave finger marks) to stop me leaving and screams in my face 'I don't need you, I don't want you, you need to hear this etc' (loud enough for dc to hear), as well as other terrible things.
So he apologizes later that evening for restraining me. But then when talking, he starts listing all my crimes and doubling down on me being a monster and a terrible mother and how the kids complain to him all the time about me and tell him how much they hate me. Which of course is bullshit or things they say just when angry.
So that's my sorry situation. Separating is hard with the kids and having a SN kid especially but I'm fantasizing about it at the moment. Not having to live in fear of another argument and my list of crimes being produced, genuine or not.
Whenever I call this abuse, he comes back with all the things he does for me when things are normal and how that proves his love and that this is not an abusive relationship. So I'm confused. Yes, he does do a lot and he (usually) is supportive. But that doesn't justify this, right? It's not normal, is it? The screaming, the shouting, the abusive words, the weaponising of the past? Even two physical events in 15 years - that's not normal either, right?