Is this abuse?

[Mebulbelet]

15 years married and kids, one with special needs, neurodiverse with all the problems that come along with it. DH has some issues. Quite a fragile ego. I work, he's home with the kids.

Things have been rocky over the years but we've muddled through. Generally, outside of arguments, DH is kind and supportive, good Dad, does his fair share, a bit needy but nothing terrible.

The worst thing is that DH loses it in arguments. I mean, as in blows up, says the most outrageous things. It's often, but not just, around our SN kid who puts us under A LOT of pressure with their needs, demands and behaviour. He'll scream and shout, bring up endless past crimes of mine (apparently he has this great memory and I don't hence his version counts even of things I have zero recollection of), he'll call me terrible names, bring in the most painful moments of my life and childhood to weaponise against me. I mean there are no boundaries - I'm talking about parental rejection, bereavement, casting blame etc. He'll often do this in front of the kids. Later he'll apologise and say he didn't mean it.

About 10 years ago, while in an argument, he physically pushed me. He did apologise for that and we moved on. He paints it as a one-off and a non event if I raise it now. But it sticks with me even a decade later. It was scary. I may have left then but the kids were very small and it seemed so overwhelming.

We have been to counselling and I have said that I cannot deal with these arguments. However good things might be between, even if these are infrequent (good times, think every six months, bad times more frequently), I find the resentment growing. I find for months and months afterwards I can't move past the arguments. But it doesn't seem to change, he can't control himself.

So, we recently had a fight. It wasn't such a big deal but he loses it. It was about kids and rules. I told him that the kids don't respect him as he gives in all the time (not so nice but relevant to what we were aruging about). He responded angrily that they don't respect me and they hate me and that I'm a monster. He says this in front of one of the kids. I leave the room and go down to the kitchen and ask him to leave me alone as I do not want to argue with the kids there as it's becoming nasty. He follows me, screaming at me how awful I am as I am walking away. In the kitchen I try to walk away from him as he has followed me there and he grabs my arms hard (enough to leave finger marks) to stop me leaving and screams in my face 'I don't need you, I don't want you, you need to hear this etc' (loud enough for dc to hear), as well as other terrible things.

So he apologizes later that evening for restraining me. But then when talking, he starts listing all my crimes and doubling down on me being a monster and a terrible mother and how the kids complain to him all the time about me and tell him how much they hate me. Which of course is bullshit or things they say just when angry.

So that's my sorry situation. Separating is hard with the kids and having a SN kid especially but I'm fantasizing about it at the moment. Not having to live in fear of another argument and my list of crimes being produced, genuine or not.

Whenever I call this abuse, he comes back with all the things he does for me when things are normal and how that proves his love and that this is not an abusive relationship. So I'm confused. Yes, he does do a lot and he (usually) is supportive. But that doesn't justify this, right? It's not normal, is it? The screaming, the shouting, the abusive words, the weaponising of the past? Even two physical events in 15 years - that's not normal either, right?

Yes, that's abuse.

Verbal, emotional, occasionally physical, and parental alienation
.

You need to go to women's aid or rights of women or both, show them this thread abd get advice on what to do

In the meantime, could you chabge change working/childcare arrangements so you do ideally half?

He'll no doubt try to block that - because he knows/thinks he's gpt you trapped because he thinks he'll get kids anc you don't want to split and live separately from them (except for access obviously).

BTW the verbal abuse during "arguments" about your childhood, bereavement etc is absolutely disgusting.

It doesnt matted to me if someone apologises afterward or not; if they go there once let alone more than once, they are the scum of the earth.

I stopped half way through your first paragraph. Of course it’s abuse . You and your children are all being abused.

He sounds like a narcissist, and he also sounds terrifying. You need to end your relationship ASAP and get him away from you all.

I had a relationship with a "how low can you go", shit throwing, verbal abuser (to be fair he didn't even sink as low as your h using your childhood etc, though he sort of exaggerated things, sometimes even made stuff up) .... it was not isolated behaviour on his part though; in candid moments he told me about similar behaviour towards other people, resulting in things like him having no relationship with his only sister, and secret offending an ex'x Mum.

Your h seems to be more in control of himself than that - if he never shows this side of himself to others); its actually even worse.

One thing a poster on here said about his behaviour in general was that he was developmentally immature; and it struck a chord, the more I thought about it the more examples I could see. There may be an element of the sane with your h - all i know is that he never ever stopped or changed.

(There were long periods of "peace," and apparent ok-ness but he always returned to the same behaviour. It was clear in some way it really gratified him).

*severely offending an ex'x Mum

I would think he is also neurodiverse to be honest, or maybe BPD, or both? You told him the kids don't respect him, presumably in front of the kids as well. For a SAHD that must be very upsetting.

I have a feeling he is genuinely losing control rather than using his outbursts to control you and destroy you like an abuser would. It is abusive behaviour but something tells me this is salvageable with honest communication and counselling. I would give it a try at least, if he is self aware and open to growth most of the time.

I have a feeling he is genuinely losing control rather than using his outbursts to control you and destroy you like an abuser would

It can be both, you know!

I doubt many abusers coldly, purposefully, detachedly, calculatedly abuse their partners without frustration, anger etc (in general, not just at their partner) spurring them on/opening the flood gates.

What he's said about things beyond ops control (her childhood, bereavements etc) tk hurt her, and his general attempts to brain wash her into believing she is toxic, bad for her kids, a horrible person etc .. . Is absolutely classic abuse, ots not just temper. It's a comprehensive slating of her character & integrity and attempt to destroy her confidence & self worth in every way.

He is attempting to control and destroy her, the loss of control could be alongside that.

He seems to gave some significant parental alienation on the go too; another abuser favourite.

You gave to wonder if, even though though chosen to be a ft sahd and even though he's gratified by getting a halo for doing so (I don't think a mum would have an automatic halo for doing so but that's another thread) that he perhaps still feels emasculated and that's part of the resentment (hate wouldn't he too strong a word) towards op and desire to tear her down.

Why doesn't he go part-time and op go part-time to make this more equal. I bet he won't want to.

*I doubt many abusers coldly, purposefully, detachedly, calculatedly abuse their partners without frustration, anger etc (in general, not just at their partner) spurring them on/opening the flood gates

I shpkld amend that to sag that some abusers may, and some may do that alongside outbursts, and some only during outbursts it's not an either or (and they're not abusive if it's during outbursts).

The man I dated was 90% during outbursts with 10% background/everyday comments dropped in.