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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married men!!!!

116 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 02/11/2021 22:08

I'm right in the thick of dating at the moment, seeing someone semi regularly and chatting to a few other guys. Tonight though... I'm just blown away by the constant stream of married men who message me. I've been on the receiving end of adultery, I've dated married men in the past...so I know both sides of this coin but the sheer number shocked me tonight. Out of 11 messages, 8 were married and looking for a FWB. Not even discrete about it, happily sending pics. One guy tonight claiming to be getting divorced sent me a link to his podcast...which links directly to his Instagram, business contacts, wife and 3 kids! Wife is on Instagram saying she is "super proud" of him at some event he organised and all the while, he is sending me the filthiest of suggestions and asking to meet.

Unbelievable. I've seen the devastation this causes and I'm utterly shocked how brazen these guys are and how easily they could be caught out. Yet they dont care...

Is it just me? My profile says I want a FWB but does not say I want a married man!!!

What is wrong with people!!!?

OP posts:
Glassofshloer · 04/11/2021 16:52

@MollysDolly

Some prostitutes offer the ‘girlfriend experience’

So are you very similar to a prostitute in your relationship, only minus the payment?

You’re being absolutely ridiculous, offensive & frankly Victorian. You really need to examine where your distaste for women enjoying sex without a side order of a mortgage and dirty socks comes from.

Getbehindme · 04/11/2021 17:56

I'll be pleasant? Hmm

I will find someone I get on with, find attractive, have chemistry with and want to have sex with and who has similar values to me in terms of respect and boundaries. What I'm stopping short of is wanting a full relationship with this person, or worrying if we are fully aligned in terms of interests or what's important in long term commitment.

I'm not a robot and won't be enduring something unpleasant.

Jeez.

Sonaftersonafterson · 04/11/2021 18:00

Wasnt a boast and would I knowingly seek out and fuck a married man? Nope.

My point was... the sheer number. Over a period of 18 months, so so many. Willing to risk everything, for a shag. Not even discrete. These are 'normal' 40 something guys, respectable family men online, kids, ... you would never ever guess what they are like! Most wives dont think to check for the KIK app or the telegram app... all used by cheaters and I get it all.the time. If I put no married men on my profile it would be like pissing in the wind trust me.

OP posts:
MollysDolly · 04/11/2021 19:05

My point was... the sheer number. Over a period of 18 months, so so many. Willing to risk everything, for a shag.

Because they want a shag. And you're putting out there that you want no strings sex. Why the surprise that you are inundated with people looking for what you are asking for? It's exactly the response to expect.

You used to sleep with married men, presumably then you didn't just want no strings, as you're aghast at the married men contacting you now, who do. It was fine then for them to risk everything then, as you thought you offered more. You've been part of the process that lets cheating married men know there are women who will readily sleep with them, they did when it wasn't string free. So now you're surprised that cheating married men contact you when you list yourself as their ideal scenario of hassle free sex?

Perhaps food for thought, is many unmarried men are looking for a relationship. So with your "string free sex" you have the double whammy that you (say) halve the response from many men who are looking for a partner, and double the response from married men looking to cheat. That would definitely skew the balance and make it seem like you're being overwhelmed by people looking to cheat. If you removed the "string free sex" whilst they won't disappear entirely, they will drastically reduce. There are a reasonable amount of 40 something single men, who want to find a partner. At that age, people tend to be looking for stability and/or a long term partner. Party days behind them. There are far less single 40 something men who want to have sex that leads to nothing. There are tonnes of 40 something cheating married men who want to have string free sex.

It's literally, if that's what you put on your profile, that's exactly who will flood to answer it.

mpz731play · 04/11/2021 19:11

@Sonaftersonafterson

Wasnt a boast and would I knowingly seek out and fuck a married man? Nope.

My point was... the sheer number. Over a period of 18 months, so so many. Willing to risk everything, for a shag. Not even discrete. These are 'normal' 40 something guys, respectable family men online, kids, ... you would never ever guess what they are like! Most wives dont think to check for the KIK app or the telegram app... all used by cheaters and I get it all.the time. If I put no married men on my profile it would be like pissing in the wind trust me.

It's exasperating isn't it? What goes through their minds when they do the risk analysis? Or, don't they? Don't they think beyond the end of their dicks? Part of what annoys me is that they know damn well that their wife (probably mother of their children as well) will be too busy with life stuff to notice what they're up to. Entitled little boys who never grew up, aren't they.
MollysDolly · 04/11/2021 19:17

What goes through their minds when they do the risk analysis?

That OP is offering what they want with the lowest risk.

It's a bit rich for her to be offended by them contacting her now. As someone who openly slept with married men previously.

They're cheating bastards now she wants string free sex? But it's fine if she's in a relationship with them.

And this is not a get out clause for the cheating married men. Who are disgusting to do that to their wives and children.

But OP was fine to sleep with them then, and have a romantic relationship, but doesn't like that they want to sleep with her now, without the romantic relationship. Which is obviously far more appealing to them.

Glassofshloer · 04/11/2021 19:19

Give it a rest @MollysDolly 🙄

DameMaureen · 04/11/2021 21:28

@MollysDolly

What goes through their minds when they do the risk analysis?

That OP is offering what they want with the lowest risk.

It's a bit rich for her to be offended by them contacting her now. As someone who openly slept with married men previously.

They're cheating bastards now she wants string free sex? But it's fine if she's in a relationship with them.

And this is not a get out clause for the cheating married men. Who are disgusting to do that to their wives and children.

But OP was fine to sleep with them then, and have a romantic relationship, but doesn't like that they want to sleep with her now, without the romantic relationship. Which is obviously far more appealing to them.

You really are a nasty piece of work .
Lookingoutside · 04/11/2021 22:16

@MollysDolly

‘I don't understand the "my god, she's not a prostitute" because she's not, she's not charging. But other than an escort, having a page online, informing that no strings sex is available, at her discretion (for a fee) and OPs page online informing that no strings sex is available, at her discretion (with no fee) there's little between the two scenarios. Both can decline any invitation. The escort is unlikely to reject a married man's business. OP is (now, unlike her former self.) So rather unsurprisingly, of the two offering the same thing, the men contact OP (no costs) as a preference, because at the point of contact, they don't know she no longer deems it suitable to sleep with married men.’ I don't understand the "my god, she's not a prostitute" because she's not, she's not charging. But other than an escort, having a page online, informing that no strings sex is available, at her discretion (for a fee) and OPs page online informing that no strings sex is available, at her discretion (with no fee) there's little between the two scenarios. Both can decline any invitation. The escort is unlikely to reject a married man's business. OP is (now, unlike her former self.) So rather unsurprisingly, of the two offering the same thing, the men contact OP (no costs) as a preference, because at the point of contact, they don't know she no longer deems it suitable to sleep with married men.’

Feel better? Idiot.

Sonaftersonafterson · 04/11/2021 23:00

I'm not "offended" by married men contacting me @mollysdolly

At no point did I say that. Couldn't give a shit. My point was... SO MANY. My profile by the way, does not offer up free sex or have pics of me with my tits out. It simply says I am looking for a guy who wants fun dates, good sex, fun... just no relationship, for a multitude of reasons. I list music, dance, wine and yoga as my hobbies Wine Grin I love the "first date" excitement and with a FWB, you get this over and over again. For a while at least! It suits me and makes me happy, generally. No slut vibes are given!

OP posts:
Sonaftersonafterson · 04/11/2021 23:05

I read these threads though and I see all the angst. The "why?" Why did he cheat? What was wrong at home? All the heartache, gut wrenching soul destroying betrayal.

Well, from the married men I've spoken with, the general consensus is nothing was wrong at home. Everything was 'fine'. Got along well with their wives. Had sex reasonably frequently. One guys wife was pregnant. It literally is just sex for them. They get bored. It becomes "meh" as one absolute gem described his lovely wife and 3 children. Nothing was missing. Makes you think doesnt it?

OP posts:
MollysDolly · 05/11/2021 00:11

It literally is just sex for them

And yet you are still surprised that by offering no strings sex, that people who literally just want sex are contacting you in abundance.

Onthedunes · 05/11/2021 00:27

I'm sorry, are these men you're talking to married men you have slept with or just the ones you are conversing with on the dating app?

You do know everthing that comes out of their mouths will be a lie, their job is to entice you into thinking your sex is better than the boring stuff at home, obviously this will inflate your ego.

You believe because they have been upfront telling you they are married the truth will duly proceed, not true.
We all know some men will lie, behave badly and cheat at any given opportunity, you are stating this as if you have just discovered Christmas.

The key is not to believe the bullshit that you are special, that you understand the male phyche and you are above the mundane.

Some men use women for sport and to buy into the I'm too cool to be hurt harem is not a strength, not to men, to them it shows your weakness as a woman, willing to service their needs.

But you're going to tell me you need your needs met, then yes fine I agree, find whatever sex you need but not at the expense of someone who has made the brave decision to maintain a monogamous relationship within a world where it's becoming increasingly difficult because men now have a mentality of cheating as a given right.

If you take the shame away from cheating it becomes the norm, I think personally that is not a prefered model, it causes pain, destroys families and creates a blueprint for future generations to copy.

Get your rocks off whenever you want, but personally I wouldn't even give air time to these 'has been men' who have neither the staying or will power to realise what they have at home.

Shut them down and give credence to the honest available men who may have a little more integrity, FWB or not.

Respect yourself and respect other women. Simple

Lookingoutside · 05/11/2021 08:18

Hey OP. Fun on these threads isn’t it?

I hope you have a lovely weekend planned. Have fun and keep smiling! 🥂😉❤️

Sonaftersonafterson · 05/11/2021 09:51

@lookingoutside

Grin hehe. It is fun. I love hearing everyone's opinions, it's like a girl gang. Usual bitches and bitter lemons but generally brilliant and I get so much clarity and food for thought here.

Enjoy your weekend too lovely! X Wine

OP posts:
Glassofshloer · 05/11/2021 10:10

find whatever sex you need but not at the expense of someone who has made the brave decision to maintain a monogamous relationship within a world where it's becoming increasingly difficult because men now have a mentality of cheating as a given right.

It’s not ‘brave’, it’s the societal norm. Most people don’t even give it too much thought tbh.

So much projecting going on here it’s like a cinema.

Getbehindme · 05/11/2021 10:30

There are similar tones in the Prudish thread, and what I'm getting from both is this notion that sex is something that is done to women, that we endure it or facilitate it, and I think this is where the prostitution theme stems from.

Women are still not allowed to be seen to be pursuing their own sexual gratification without it being connected to prostitution, being a slut, and/or being predatory around men who are taken etc. It's nuts!

Glassofshloer · 05/11/2021 10:46

@Getbehindme

There are similar tones in the Prudish thread, and what I'm getting from both is this notion that sex is something that is done to women, that we endure it or facilitate it, and I think this is where the prostitution theme stems from.

Women are still not allowed to be seen to be pursuing their own sexual gratification without it being connected to prostitution, being a slut, and/or being predatory around men who are taken etc. It's nuts!

Exactly this.

The sad thing is it’s other women pushing this narrative because they’re scared that more opportunity would mean their husbands will cheat.

Sad all round.

Hope you find someone to rock your world, OP Wine

Lookingoutside · 05/11/2021 12:03

‘There are similar tones in the Prudish thread, and what I'm getting from both is this notion that sex is something that is done to women, that we endure it or facilitate it, and I think this is where the prostitution theme stems from.

Women are still not allowed to be seen to be pursuing their own sexual gratification without it being connected to prostitution, being a slut, and/or being predatory around men who are taken etc. It's nuts!’

‘The sad thing is it’s other women pushing this narrative because they’re scared that more opportunity would mean their husbands will cheat.

Sad all round.’

@Getbehindme @Glassofshloer

This is exactly what I wanted to articulate. Exactly.

‘ Hope you find someone to rock your world, OP🍷’.

I think she will. I have. Anyone else getting their world rocked this weekend? 😀💃🏼

Glassofshloer · 05/11/2021 12:15

Enjoy @Lookingoutside Wink

Remember to change into your ‘debauched woman’ sack cloth & ashes afterwards

🍷

MrsBerthaRochester · 05/11/2021 12:22

The responses on here are vitriolic because a lot of the women know,even if they dont admit it,that their dh/partner would cheat if given opportunity.
I was also compared to a prostitute on a thread I started about a fwb arrangement I had where I found out after two years he was not single as claimed. It was apparently my fault as I wanted nsa so what could I expect.
Who needs the patriarchy to bring us down when other women do it for them eh?

GentlemanJay · 05/11/2021 12:24

@Andwander

You basically advertise yourself as: anybody up for a bit of sex when bored! No wonder you have men flogging to you and it is "perfect" set up for a married man.what do you expect if you want FWB?You get exactly that,but of course the "friends" thingy just make it sound better.Its sex for free for anybody who wishes,married or unmarried!
I'm going to question this. I have had two amazing FWBs relationships. They were far from being about just sex.
LoekMa · 05/11/2021 12:28

@Glassofshloer

What *@Getbehindme* me said

It’s like you’re all trying to shame women into staying away from your husbands (who they probably wouldn’t want anyway!) by telling them they’re prostitutes or ‘grim’ if they want a simple sexual relationship without all the hassle and complication that you see so often on the Relationships board

All it says to me is that you’re worried about what your husbands will do if given the chance, so shame women into making sure there aren’t any chances by telling them they’re disgusting

This is 100% accurate!
Lookingoutside · 05/11/2021 12:51

@Glassofshloer

Enjoy @Lookingoutside wink

Remember to change into your ‘debauched woman’ sack cloth & ashes afterwards

🍷

Grin

They are washed and pressed in anticipation of the disrespect I am about to show myself.

Journeyofthedragons · 05/11/2021 12:56

They are washed and pressed in anticipation of the disrespect I am about to show myself.

Married men!!!!
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