Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married men!!!!

116 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 02/11/2021 22:08

I'm right in the thick of dating at the moment, seeing someone semi regularly and chatting to a few other guys. Tonight though... I'm just blown away by the constant stream of married men who message me. I've been on the receiving end of adultery, I've dated married men in the past...so I know both sides of this coin but the sheer number shocked me tonight. Out of 11 messages, 8 were married and looking for a FWB. Not even discrete about it, happily sending pics. One guy tonight claiming to be getting divorced sent me a link to his podcast...which links directly to his Instagram, business contacts, wife and 3 kids! Wife is on Instagram saying she is "super proud" of him at some event he organised and all the while, he is sending me the filthiest of suggestions and asking to meet.

Unbelievable. I've seen the devastation this causes and I'm utterly shocked how brazen these guys are and how easily they could be caught out. Yet they dont care...

Is it just me? My profile says I want a FWB but does not say I want a married man!!!

What is wrong with people!!!?

OP posts:
brittleheadgirl · 03/11/2021 07:52

@girlmom21

You're not on a dating site if you're looking for a FWB.

You're on a site that says you're up for a shag.

More ignorance Hmm A fwb is a perfectly normal arrangement between 2 people. Absolutely appropriate in finding a suitable one online but absolutely not ok to do so if you're married!
bloodywhitecat · 03/11/2021 07:53

Surely a FWB is exactly what a married lowlife man would be looking for in an ad on a dating site?

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 08:05

@brittleheadgirl it's not being ignorant to say having a FWB isn't the same as dating.

OP said she's been seeing someone for a while so surely she's as bad as these men if she claims she's dating but is still actively looking for a FWB.

You're doing to say "they might not be exclusive yet" but these men might be in open marriages.

Additionally, a friend with benefits is someone you're actually friends with then have sex with out of convenience. Friendships take effort. That's not what she's looking for. She wants a fuck buddy. Which is fine, but I don't think she can judge others for wanting the same.

OP, add 'no married men' onto your bio. Easy.

Lorw · 03/11/2021 08:29

Before I was married and settled, it was ridiculous the amount of married men who tried it on, who were either openly married or lying to me about it, you always know though as they couldn’t text at certain times or always wanted to meet during the day, Facebook them and it’s always a picture of them with their wife/kids, there’s been a few occasions I’ve screen shot and sent it to his Mrs.

Ginger1982 · 03/11/2021 08:32

So you've been happy to date married men in the past?

Mermaidwaves · 03/11/2021 08:42

I can't believe the misogyny on this thread!! A lot of deflecting here I think! I was messaged by these crappy married men OLD and I was advertising that I wanted a proper relationship not FWB, it didn't make any difference, there's still loads on the dating apps bold as brass trying their luck.

SquidGame0001 · 03/11/2021 09:15

A friend of mine gets a lot of married men after her and she's not single or on dating sites, it's mutual friends of ours on social media. She tells me all about them, one married guy messages her every time he's drunk and says how much he likes her and doesn't love his wife. I just think about all these wives who are out there with no clue it's happening.

LouReading · 03/11/2021 09:30

@Avarua

I'm just at the point now that I think the world would be a better place altogether without male sexuality. They've controlled women's sexuality for the last few thousand years; is it our turn now? Bye-bye to balls for rapists, cheaters, violent fuckers, men who exploit vulnerable women, child porn watchers, cat-callers and all other forms of sexual abusers.
I agree to a point. I don't think the world would be a better place without male sexuality altogether. I do think the world would be a better place if there were a better balance between the female and the male.

Male sexuality of itself is not a bad thing. It is all those other factors which influence how male sexuality affects male behaviour. Those things like entitlement and egoism.

Lili132 · 03/11/2021 12:45

@Andwander

You basically advertise yourself as: anybody up for a bit of sex when bored! No wonder you have men flogging to you and it is "perfect" set up for a married man.what do you expect if you want FWB?You get exactly that,but of course the "friends" thingy just make it sound better.Its sex for free for anybody who wishes,married or unmarried!
What do you mean "sex for free", should she get paid for it? There is nothing wrong with having consensual sex and nowhere did she say she is happy to have it with anyone married or not. Stop being sexist.
Barnum · 03/11/2021 12:57

I have a friend who's been married for 34 years and her husband is constantly messaging other women. It's a well known 'secret' which I now believe she simply turns a blind eye to as all the classic signs are there. He makes comments to any woman he has contact with which are frequently inappropriate - I've been on the receiving end myself. I believe he is a narcissist who if anything is ever mentioned by my friend about this has the ability to turn it around to make it look like he is the injured party. Quite frankly it is unbelievable , but he is such a predator when it comes to women, vulnerable women especially - eg those who have had difficult relationships in the past who he says deserve to be loved 'properly' . The funny thing is he's not a physically attractive man - he's very overweight , and just not what you'd see as a good catch - frequently out of work etc , but he can be very charming . And he thinks women all fancy him . So yes OP I think many married men live secret lives their partners know nothing about - and they feel it's ok to 'enter' someone else's relationship or life in general and potentially wreck it. This guy definitely would !

Ginger1982 · 03/11/2021 15:02

"What do you mean "sex for free", should she get paid for it?"

She means sex without any form of effort or commitment, as well you know.

MollysDolly · 03/11/2021 15:13

Most married men don't actually want to leave their home set up, maybe financially, maybe just convenient, maybe the children.

They don't want a new relationship. They know they're never leaving. They don't want the hassle or effort in keeping a mistress. They don't want to pay a prostitute. And here you are OP, "Hiya, just out for a shag with no commitment required"

And yet you are somehow surprised that this is who is contacting you?

shepabear · 03/11/2021 15:24

The people on here having a pop at the op because she's a single woman looking for another single person to have casual sex with is appalling. It's 2021 not 1951!

lovingnewme · 03/11/2021 17:50

@shepabear

The people on here having a pop at the op because she's a single woman looking for another single person to have casual sex with is appalling. It's 2021 not 1951!
I'm pretty sure people are having a pop at the op because she happily and knowingly dated/shagged married men.

She wouldn't be getting any shit otherwise.
Go read the dating threads and you'll see the difference.

Coffeetree · 03/11/2021 18:01

I totally believe you about the married men. Ugh. Can you put something on your profile specifically saying "no married men"? On mine I put that I was looking for a serious relationship and that kept the blatant cheaters away.

What put me off online dating was the endless, aimless online flirting. Probably from men secretly married or cowards or both. Flirty texts but no actual meet-ups? No thanks.

givenuponlove99 · 03/11/2021 18:43

Same here OP. Except I’ve never wanted a FWB. Not judging you at all. Just want to make the point that I’ve been approached by loads of married men in real life and on the internet. In the past few years the online dating space has changed and there are more married men being very open about their situation in the hope of an extra shag. It’s depressing.

Coffeetree · 03/11/2021 19:04

Well I can say that as a naive person in her 20s I went on a date with a married man. He chatted me up in a cafe and we arranged for a date that weekend. During the date it emerged that he was "technically married but separated but still living together because". I just remember the absolute disgust and horror, like how the fuck is a married man asking people out on dates? I thought it was safe to assume that a man asking me on a date was, you know, single. Gross and I felt really depressed afterwards.

Glassofshloer · 03/11/2021 19:08

@Onthedunes

Married men !!!

How exasperating, and you who has dated them in the past.

What's the problem if you've done it before ?

Can't see why your complaining to be honest, why the effrontery now ?

Sounds like buisness as usual to me.

I knew messages like this would be posted.

Deliberately avoiding the purpose of the thread and instead turning it into a ‘let’s give OP a sly kick to make myself feel better’.

Glassofshloer · 03/11/2021 19:11

OP, threads like these - anything to do with married men cheating - are a proxy for wronged women on this site to punish the OP for their own husband’s actions.

Or to be all ‘NAMALT’ and ‘well my husband would definitely never cheat’ Hmm

It can never be discussed on here in an abstract way.

SpookyPumpkinPants · 03/11/2021 19:21

@bloodywhitecat

Surely a FWB is exactly what a married lowlife man would be looking for in an ad on a dating site?
Yeah, but I rather think the point us, they shouldn't be on a dating site!!!!
shepabear · 03/11/2021 21:01

@lovingnewme She said she dated married men in the past - she didn't say she knowingly or purposefully dated married men, so I reserve judgement on that. And regardless of what she may or may not have done in the past, she is still entitled to seek out casual sex with single men if she wants without being shamed or belittled.

DameMaureen · 03/11/2021 21:03

@FestiveFlavours

I've dated married men in the past...

And now you wonder why married men are interested?

Why would that be ? She has a tattoo on her forehead ?
MollysDolly · 03/11/2021 21:14

She has a tattoo on her forehead

In effect yes. It's clearly written, on the profile she chose to represent herself though, as opposed to her literal forehead. A statement, as soon as you click on her, that she is seeking no strings sex.

Which is what most men seeking extramarital affairs, with no intention of leaving their wife, are precisely looking for.

I'm not sure why OP can't see the clear correlation.

MollysDolly · 03/11/2021 21:23

she is still entitled to seek out casual sex with single men if she wants without being shamed or belittled.

Just to clarify, I completely agree with this.

I don't agree with not being able to understand advertising the desire for no strings sex, and then being contacted by the married cheaters who are looking for exactly that.

I think people are a little Hmm for OP having an issue with them messaging her now she'd prefer they didn't. When it was fine to sleep with them when it suited her. The reason so many of them are there contacting her (aside the obvious fact they're arseholes) is that they get taken up on their offer. By women like OP in her former years. I think people are finding it a little hypocritical to be annoyed by the way the men conduct themselves now, when she has been complicit in creating the exact scenarios that mean these men can successfully cheat. They contact you, because they know there are women like (former) you out there.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 03/11/2021 22:32

Since my ex-husband decided to be unfaithful with someone else I too have experienced a lot of married men thinking that I am an open goal. Ignore those who would blame you OP, it is a 'thing' NAMALT (had to get that in before some bellend did) but you would be amazed who would give it a go.