Married men!!!!

[Sonaftersonafterson]

I'm right in the thick of dating at the moment, seeing someone semi regularly and chatting to a few other guys. Tonight though... I'm just blown away by the constant stream of married men who message me. I've been on the receiving end of adultery, I've dated married men in the past...so I know both sides of this coin but the sheer number shocked me tonight. Out of 11 messages, 8 were married and looking for a FWB. Not even discrete about it, happily sending pics. One guy tonight claiming to be getting divorced sent me a link to his podcast...which links directly to his Instagram, business contacts, wife and 3 kids! Wife is on Instagram saying she is "super proud" of him at some event he organised and all the while, he is sending me the filthiest of suggestions and asking to meet.

Unbelievable. I've seen the devastation this causes and I'm utterly shocked how brazen these guys are and how easily they could be caught out. Yet they dont care...

Is it just me? My profile says I want a FWB but does not say I want a married man!!!

What is wrong with people!!!?

OP isn’t ‘advertising’. There is no ‘business as usual’ because she isn’t in business. She is seeking to have her sexual desires/needs met and is using the internet to achieve that.

‘Advertising’. Fuck off.

Op is advertising for FWB.

To be offended that married men contact her is rediculous.

For married men it is the perfect offer.

Op needs to be more specific in her advert if she does not wish to hear from married men.

@Glassofshloer

OP, threads like these - anything to do with married men cheating - are a proxy for wronged women on this site to punish the OP for their own husband’s actions.

Or to be all ‘NAMALT’ and ‘well my husband would definitely never cheat’

It can never be discussed on here in an abstract way.

Absolute rubbish.

'Anything to do with a married man cheating' is because some people do not like to think of another woman contributing to the aided and abetted abuse of another woman.

Cheating is abuse, and to overtly state it has been your practice in the past so flippantly really negates all sympathy for the op when she is offended at the response of married men.

It's about respect for other women, not the retribution and shaming of wayward husbands.

@Onthedunes OP isn’t asking for sympathy. She wanted to discuss the prevalence of married men on dating apps.

You say this is about women respecting women but it isn’t, really, is it? It’s about OW shaming (any OW, not even your own), to blame them as a whole for whatever your husband did.

You say it’s abuse - have you seen call the midwife? Random but there are episodes on there about women who cheat after being married to controlling and domineering men for years. They can’t afford to leave and after years of being worn down just want some affection & enjoyment. Ok so this isn’t the 50s and that’s not always the ‘reason’, but this MN tradition of declaring every incident of cheating to be ‘abuse’ is a load of rubbish. Some is, some isn’t. It’s just easier for the wronged party to make a black and white issue of it rather than examine what actually happened.

OP, add 'no married men' onto your bio. Easy.

And while you're at it put a sign on your front door saying, "No burglars" and you won't need to bother locking it.

I'd have thought it's pretty simple... Just put "not interested in married or attached men.. If you message me I will screen shot and send to your wife"

Probably weed out half..

Its a free country and men and women will message on dating sites even if they are married to someone else.
You can ignore, and not engage and safely assume your morals are better.

If you've knowingly dated married men in the past then you are part of the problem.

I don't think 'married men are on heat'. Most married men are perfectly happy to stick to the one woman. Some men (and some women) look elsewhere.

It may be that you are seeing more married than single because there are more married than single men in your age range.

I might be old fashioned, but I think saying that you're looking for FWB will be seen as some that you're out for a good time without the constraints of a normal relationship, and that will attract some people who are already with another person.

@Glassofshloer

OP, threads like these - anything to do with married men cheating - are a proxy for wronged women on this site to punish the OP for their own husband’s actions.

Or to be all ‘NAMALT’ and ‘well my husband would definitely never cheat’

It can never be discussed on here in an abstract way.

Exactly!!! Im starting to believe most women on here know what dogs their husbands are. Maybe their purpose of being on MN is to see if his mistress posts something that has identifying markers that leads back to their man? Yikes.

OP you ll get there, dont worry about it though. If anything I think it shows that marriage isnt the prize its caked up to be. Those men dont suddenly become saints once you exchange i dos at the altar

I know it's more a 'state of the world today' post, but as someone in a similar position to you, it is a bit shit and disappointing to see but I see it as their issue (and I've had it done to me, just to be clear).

I put that I'm not interested in married men, that'll weed some out - don't be afraid to state what your looking for, these aresholes will self-filter if you seem like hard work (by having standards) and save you a job later down the line. For those who who power on with their delusion, then you have to ensure you are keeping an eye out for signs and flags.

Timings of comms, ability to be spontaneous, how much of their personal lives they share etc

Anyone with their face hidden? Immediate no.

On another thread about FWB in the Sex forum, one example was the guy brought his own shower gel so he went home smelling as he should.

@Glassofshloer

Cheating is abuse, and yes some women are also abusive towards their husbands.

I am not shaming women.

I shame anyone who knowingly, lies, cheats gaslights and alters someones elses reality to suit their selfish needs. Betrayal is devastating for both sexes.

The reasons why people cheat are also tenfold, but those reasons do not excuse finding someone else who is married to quell your needs, that in turn is abusing someone else.

The very nature of FWB is to find someone who is likewise looking for something akin to one night stands and then probably continuing the arrangement if you suit one another.

Sex first before friendship allows you no time to assess whether someone is taken or married, in fact many of these married men who op talks of are at least being upfront and honest about the fact they are cheats, they are openly admitting they are abusive to their wife.

That's attractive.

They are only gauging to see whether the op has strong morals and integrity towards other women, to see if they too are the abusive type.

Many men know some women don't care and will disregard the feelings of other women.

Unfortunately it has always been left to women to assess the suitability of the partners we choose to have sex with and reproduce with, one of the first filters should be whether the man is attatched or married.

It is for a women's benefit to be more discerning, having respect for yourselves and not buying into to the whole cool society of putting everthing on a plate, because we are all 'equal' now.

Years ahead you will find, it wasn't equal, you may feel used, that is a conversation that needs to be had, the general dismantling of boundaries that encourage women to give what men what they want without any conditions attatched.

Social media has been the perfect platform for standards to be lowered and for women to be hurt, not only in long term relationships but to be used instantly, quickly and without care.

Anyway off the point but if op wishes for 'dating' leading to relationship, I don't think FWB is the best way to advertise.

Either ask for one night stands or friendship leading to relationship.

I agree that social media has lowered standards, particularly online dating apps. It has set back equality and I cannot see how women will ever claw back the gains that were starting to be made. As a woman, it makes me sad and angry to see ordinarily decent human beings being dragged down to such a level that they now view persons as commodities to be rated on digital platforms.

Exactly!!! Im starting to believe most women on here know what dogs their husbands are

Funny isn’t it - one has to wonder which side of it the righteous ‘well what did you expect you silly woman/that’s men for you isn’t it’ bridge are on if they’re hitched: the one where they married someone they secretly suspect or know to accidentally slip and fall into another vagina at the first opportunity, or a magically exempt unicorn husband who turns pale and crosses his legs at the mere sight of a single woman.

I have seen too many young women wounded by the speed and discarding of them on social media, they are expected to toughen up and accept the status quo.

It is is battle that men are winning, boundaries are being flattened for the benefit of men.

The bigger picture is frightening and many of the women who are buying into this cool philosophy are the same women who would not dream of their daughters being used and abused in the same way.

It's always in a view of hoping future generations do not endure this, ie your children, but views have to be be changed now and in the present.

Women should be firmer, have more self respect and realise they are worth so much more than battling against one another for the attentions of weak unmoralistic men.

Well, I thought I'd married a faithful man. Turns out I didn't. Not only that, but I was then told by his mother that all men do it!

@Onthedunes

I have seen too many young women wounded by the speed and discarding of them on social media, they are expected to toughen up and accept the status quo.

It is is battle that men are winning, boundaries are being flattened for the benefit of men.

The bigger picture is frightening and many of the women who are buying into this cool philosophy are the same women who would not dream of their daughters being used and abused in the same way.

It's always in a view of hoping future generations do not endure this, ie your children, but views have to be be changed now and in the present.

Women should be firmer, have more self respect and realise they are worth so much more than battling against one another for the attentions of weak unmoralistic men.

Love your posts @Onthedunes

You should set up a movement - a fourth (or is it fifth now) feminist movement.

Married men on dating sites (men who shouldn't be there) and OP gets slated for advertising, giving away free sex, asking to be used and of course attracting married men because she's dated one before (guessing she hasn't disclosed this on her profile) 🤦🏾‍♀️.
Guessing OP thought the outrage would be against the lowlifes looking for sex outside their marriages, but no...

If it makes some people so offended to use the phrase "advertising" (when actually, that's what your online dating profile is, advertising yourself, to attract potential suitors) then make the simple swap of "advertising" to "publicising/making it known/broadcasting" that she is actively seeking no strings sex.

Which, shock horror, is a beacon to married men, who want sex on the side, with no intention of leaving their wife.

I don't understand the "my god, she's not a prostitute" because she's not, she's not charging. But other than an escort, having a page online, informing that no strings sex is available, at her discretion (for a fee) and OPs page online informing that no strings sex is available, at her discretion (with no fee) there's little between the two scenarios. Both can decline any invitation. The escort is unlikely to reject a married man's business. OP is (now, unlike her former self.) So rather unsurprisingly, of the two offering the same thing, the men contact OP (no costs) as a preference, because at the point of contact, they don't know she no longer deems it suitable to sleep with married men.

OP I guess even if you stipulated ‘no married men’ you’d still get married men who will lie. You can’t really cheat without lying to somebody (usually everybody involved gets lied to) so I think sadly there’s no real way around it. Depressing in its prevalence though.
Monogamous relationships get a bit of a drubbing and dumbing down/ reducing to a disposable commodity on tv and in the media etc yet still seem to be most people’s ideal. Some tv shows purport to be about finding a ‘relationship’ but are actually just titillating cheap telly reducing people and feelings to ‘entertainment’. Feel sorry for the very young people who watch them. God knows what they are learning. Add easy access to technology and social media and it’s a perfect storm of opportunity for those looking for it.
I think to some men looking to cheat, FWB is the ideal. In their eyes someone who wants fun and sex with no strings would be the ideal woman for a cheat, no clingyness, demands or threats to rock the boat at home.
I think it’s sadly going to be up to you to weed them out. I doubt there’s anything you could change on your dating site post that would alter the replies you get. Cheaters lie.

Agree Wookie,

the perfect storm, media is the education for the masses and it's almost become laughable that a woman could ever expect to find a man that is capable of maintaing a relationship or marriage of longevity.

Women are being programmed not to expect loyalty even when children's welfare is at risk, it's grim.

The family unit is having less and less importance in todays society, the society of self is encouraged and I really can't see that as being of benefit to women as the generations go on, parents lead as an example, there needs to be better role models.

I believe too many of the rights of women have been taken away under the guise of a modern, equal society, it really hasn't done much for women from what I can see.

@MollysDolly I'm really not comfortable with what you've written here.

At no point do you seem to acknowledge that the woman in this scenario may actually LIKE SEX and just want sex. Without all the shit that comes with relationships. What's wrong with that?

Yes, it is actually quite transactional. But the interactions I've had in this setting are actually some of the most refreshing and honest conversations yet. And I've come out of a marriage where we didn't talk about sex enough and it ended up being broken because of sex and communication and my husbands entitlement.

So no, I'm not a prostitute thank you. I'm an intelligent woman with a busy life who has a libido and would like to have sex with a man or men, and ideally see this man on more than one occasion so that we can explore sex together in a safe and healthy way without having to drag him to family meals, introduce him to my children and text all the live long day about what we're having for tea.

However, I do agree that dating apps are driving a very throw away attitude on both sides, but fear that this will really only benefit men more than women in the long run. So to separate those points out, yes we are peddling backwards, but I refuse to see women who want sex and use technology to find it as prostitutes.

What @Getbehindme me said

It’s like you’re all trying to shame women into staying away from your husbands (who they probably wouldn’t want anyway!) by telling them they’re prostitutes or ‘grim’ if they want a simple sexual relationship without all the hassle and complication that you see so often on the Relationships board

All it says to me is that you’re worried about what your husbands will do if given the chance, so shame women into making sure there aren’t any chances by telling them they’re disgusting

So no, I'm not a prostitute thank you

And if you read what I said, I said you're not.

But you obviously see offering no strings sex as your preference, (which you are absolutely entitled to and nothing wrong with) and no strings sex with an escort as poles apart. I don't. She will be pleasant, as will you. She posts online to seek no strings sex, as do you. She takes payment as she wants it in a business sense. You don't as you want it as a personal preference. I don't see much difference apart from ones a business transaction, and the other is, non business preference that is, in your own words "quite transactional". Both attract the same suitors, as you are discovering. It might be different to you, but from the cheating married man's perspective, it's as simple as "I pay for option 1, I don't pay for option 2"

There's nothing wrong with having no strings sex. There's nothing wrong with being compared to someone who provides the same in a business sense.

I'd take the FWB off your profile.

Men see it and believe it translates to Free Fuck.

I don't know what other choices there are to select from but nothing or relationship would be fine, then as you talk to people, you can discuss things.

Oh bore off