Struggling with ex getting new partner

[gelatodipistacchio]

Background: my ex was mean, controlling, and emotionally abusive and I left him because of this.

He insists on staying in our daughter's life (I realise this is a good thing on balance) but he continues to be mean and try to control me to the extent he can, through her.

He has started seeing a new woman who also has a small daughter. They took the children on holiday together over half term, though supposedly have only actually been in a relationship for a month or so. (I believe that they have been seeing each other for months but that he was lying to me).

My daughter has returned with stories of how Daddy took care of her the whole time, how he would read to the two girls while his girlfriend lay in bed with them, etc etc

When we were together, he would never have spent this kind of time with me. He would have said it wasn't efficient and he would have left me get our daughter bathed and to bed alone while he had a drink or something.

He also has been telling me that I wasn't a great mum because I work full time. The girlfriend apparently is a better mum who only works part time.

I maintain as little contact with him as possible and I have been trying to move on since I left two years ago. But this is absolutely killing me, the idea that maybe he is capable of being a good dad and partner, the thought that he would be caring and loving toward someone else, the sneaking suspicion that maybe the reason he wasn't nice to me really is that I'm too difficult, too demanding, too argumentative.

Help! What do I do? How do I cope?

'Background: my ex was mean, controlling, and emotionally abusive and I left him because of this.'

Your ex is only playing at being this great dad. It is to hook his next victim in and he seems to be doing a good job. He will begin his abusive tendencies soon when he really knows his victim is not going anywhere and she is under his spell.....sit back, grab some popcorn and watch from the side lines.

@litterbird

'Background: my ex was mean, controlling, and emotionally abusive and I left him because of this.'

Your ex is only playing at being this great dad. It is to hook his next victim in and he seems to be doing a good job. He will begin his abusive tendencies soon when he really knows his victim is not going anywhere and she is under his spell.....sit back, grab some popcorn and watch from the side lines.

This. So much this.

Read this to yourself in a years time, and see how right this is.

Why wouldn’t be stay in her life? He is her father, I find it odd you say he insists on staying in her life, if he didn’t bother with her when you broke up you wouldn’t be complaining about that

@TurnUpTurnip he does the bare minimum to be present while ensuring that I do all the parenting. When we were together, he explicitly told me that he only wanted to do childcare when he felt like it. So yeah.

@TurnUpTurnip though of course now he is acting like an involved parent. It's part of what is messing with my head, after how he has always behaved before.

Cut him out. Don’t think about him at all. A leopard doesn’t change his spots and to be honest, if he’s on his best behaviour to impress a girl then that’s the best for your daughter. Try and think of it like “phew. At least I don’t have to worry that she’s being neglected” who cares what he does? You don’t want him. He treated you like crap. Anyone can keep up an act in small doses. I have a friend who was in exactly your position. Two years later he’s been through six girlfriends. Why? Because he can’t keep it up forever.

Get some weekly therapy, it will help you stop ruminating. Get it all out of your system

I think you have to remember though if he got with a woman that had children but didn’t bother with your daughter you would be pissed of at that as well so surely this is better than that? Yes it’s rubbish that he wasn’t like that with you but maybe he’s on his best behaviour for now, was he awful as soon as you met him? Probably not so maybe it will go the same way for her not that I would wish that on others

@beautifulview that's the view I have taken but it's harder the more serious he seems to be with her, and the more lovely his conduct now seems to be.

He has painted himself as the victim, saying that I broke his heart and I have mental problems

“Mental problems” is the classic abuser throwback! Mine told everyone that right up until he was hospitalised for alcoholism and a breakdown… then he told everyone that was my fault too because I was ‘unstable’ (despite me having kicked him out 3 years prior- lord knows how I managed to cause his breakdown after 3 years of no contact )

Lol the perfect Dsd routine will only last whilst he's trying to impress the new girlfriend. Once he's hooked her he will revert back to type.

When your dd says things like she's a better mum because she inky works part time, just smile, nod and say 'that's nice dear' then change the subject. It's all designed to get the exact reaction he is getting. You know he's a mean bully and he's continuing down that vein.

I'm sick today, and I keep thinking of how i have to do everything alone by myself while he still has someone to love and be a family with.

He's doing it to hook the girlfiend into being a nanny-cum-housekeepeer.

These men don't change.

@KirstenBlest that's what I believe on an intellectual level, but that doesn't stop it being difficult and feeling completely horrible

I agree. My XP seemingly turned into a monster overnight, but reality is that he had been a monster all along.

The lovely man I met was a facade. It still hurts me that I was treated so badly, but if he treated me like that, god help the OW.

I have no contact with him, and although I have a masochistic curiosity about what happened I do not look at his or her SM.
It won't make me happy.

Your pain is understandable.

I felt the same way several years ago. He took the OW to my home country, the restaurants we used to enjoy together as a family. He even took OW to watch DS play football.

It was really weird felt like she was stealing my life.

However two years on, and it's all different. It perfect father routine ended after about 12 months. I see her around town haggard and sad looking. Rather her than me.

It will get better OP. Try not imagine what you think they're doing and just remember why you chucked him out. I know, easier said that done.

@SparklyDino that's exactly it! They went places where we went, she has been staying over in the house that I bought and lovingly decorated (he's such a miserable bastard that he kept the huge house and I have had to move into a small house in a much worse area), she's taking care of my child. Ugh!

They're in the honeymoon period. He's playing the Disney dad but highly unlikely to keep it up.

Ignore them, focus on rebuilding your life and enjoy the fact that she'll have to deal with him going forward and you won't.

I think it's also a bit scary because I know what he is but I can see that he seems to have fooled her for at least (an estimated) 5-6 months. It's terrifying to think I could be similarly taken in

You were.

I was completely fooled by XP. By the time the water was simmering I was still oblivious and as it ramped up I thought 'He'd never do that, he loves me'.

Ah, I know I was. And she no doubt is going through the same. But i feel too broken and terrified to date again, because I am afraid of getting back on the merry-go-round of abuse

I've just left my abusive H.

I know I will feel the exact same way as you when he finds someone else. And he will because he cannot be by himself. He has no idea how to 'adult'

He will love bomb the next one like he did me.

I can't stand the ex - the one before me - but I'll always remember her texting him one day saying 'don't treat her like you did me'

Makes complete sense now

@iveleft40 good luck! I would have guessed that I would feel this way, too. It's just another step in the process, for better or worse

I agree with a previous poster who suggested some kind of counselling or therapy. You might benefit from trying to reframe some of your thoughts. E.g. your comment about how the ex "insists" on staying in your daughter's life - it's unlikely he's doing it to spite you. Some men do step up and improve as parents after a split. It doesn't mean he's a good partner (some people are more compatible than others, and some times men do treat a new partner differently - but you say he was abusive, so that doesn't apply here - he is a knob).

Also agree with some counselling. I start mine next week and it's so needed.