Struggling with ex getting new partner

[gelatodipistacchio]

Background: my ex was mean, controlling, and emotionally abusive and I left him because of this.

He insists on staying in our daughter's life (I realise this is a good thing on balance) but he continues to be mean and try to control me to the extent he can, through her.

He has started seeing a new woman who also has a small daughter. They took the children on holiday together over half term, though supposedly have only actually been in a relationship for a month or so. (I believe that they have been seeing each other for months but that he was lying to me).

My daughter has returned with stories of how Daddy took care of her the whole time, how he would read to the two girls while his girlfriend lay in bed with them, etc etc

When we were together, he would never have spent this kind of time with me. He would have said it wasn't efficient and he would have left me get our daughter bathed and to bed alone while he had a drink or something.

He also has been telling me that I wasn't a great mum because I work full time. The girlfriend apparently is a better mum who only works part time.

I maintain as little contact with him as possible and I have been trying to move on since I left two years ago. But this is absolutely killing me, the idea that maybe he is capable of being a good dad and partner, the thought that he would be caring and loving toward someone else, the sneaking suspicion that maybe the reason he wasn't nice to me really is that I'm too difficult, too demanding, too argumentative.

Help! What do I do? How do I cope?

Every new gf my ex gets I hope this is the one that gives him what he needs and stability for my son, but he just seems to treat them worse and worse each time 🙈

@MyButteredBread how do you know he hasn't changed?

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@MyButteredBread how do you know he hasn't changed?[/quote]
He attempts to trample over my boundaries constantly, he's the same pompous ass he always was, he's very obviously pretending.

@MyButteredBread ah, like mine. I see.

OP, I can relate to what you feel. My abuser showed his true colours with his new love fairly quickly, though. I admit I felt relief when I heard about it; it allowed me to stop blaming myself for the abuse. (I felt sorry for the woman, of course, but there was nothing I could do to help her.)

I have become quite cynical and I no longer believe abusive people can change or improve significantly; indeed, if yours was "better", he would take responsibility for his past actions and be kinder to you. Someone who doesn't apologise or show humility, and just thinks they get to try again from scratch with someone else, is doing, if anything, the opposite of bettering themselves.

Will your ex show his true colours to his new partner soon? Who knows, maybe your ex's new lady has a personality type that can ignore or be oblivious to bad traits for a long time. However, on this board there have been many posts from women who were "first" abused by their partner 5, 10, 15 years into a relationship, and then realised, looking back, that the signs had been there all along.

OP you need counselling. Why would you want him back if he suddenly was nice? Why would you erase yourself and the hurt he has caused you? He isn't the one for you.

You can chose now whether to be his victim or a survivor. You can't be a survivor when you're still so emotionally attached to him. You need to break your attachment to him off and love yourself. You have achieved academic success, well done, what else can you achieve next. You've got an amazing life to lead and it starts by letting this shit go.

I am honestly grateful that I don't have to be with my dcs dad anymore. I pity the woman who is if I ever fleetingly think about it.

Get on to the baggage reclaim site. There's a book there called the no contact rule. It really helped me many years ago. Cut this man out of your brain. Only have contact with him when it's about your dd. Wish him the best and let go of the resentment before you waste your life being bitter and resentful and wishing abuse on the woman he's now with. It isn't healthy.

You have nothing to regret, you have a beautiful dd and a beautiful, wonderful life to start living.

I divorced my ex h because he was, and still IS an alcoholic. Of course it was all my fault according to him and his bloody mother but whatever - I was out of there. He remarried two or three years later and I have to admit I felt annoyed that this idiot who had nearly ruined mine and my daughter's lives had been given a second chance. Was worse when wife no 2 started to contribute to the rhetoric that there was no drink problem - just an unreasonable first wife. Fast forward ten years wife no 2 did exactly what I did - reached the end of her tether and GTFO. And guess who's fault that was according to him - yup- hers.

Where I'm going with this is that for some people it's ALWAYS someone else's fault. He's out of your life - someone else's problem. Do not give him any mind space.

@SnowWhitesSM i will look at Baggage Reclaim, thanks.

I don't actually want him back. It's complicated. I so wish we didn't have a child together, though I of course wouldn't trade my DD for the world

@Allycott sigh, bracing myself for the 10 year wait

I'm sorry you're feeling so broken, OP, please know that you're still in a better place without someone who mistreated you. He might be treating her better (at the moment) but it doesn't change how he was and still is towards you. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you.

From a different perspective, one of my friends is married to someone who split up from his first wife for various reasons, one of which was that he was essentially a workaholic with little time for family life. He then met my friend and they seem to have a happier marriage...but guess what, he's still a workaholic with little time for family life. The difference is that she's accepted it so they're more compatible (but she's not really happy about it, he just isn't going to change).

He's just doing it to pull the wool over her eyes. And probably to spite you a bit too.

Don't rise to it. Don't dwell on it. Just feel sorry for her, and her child. He is a nasty abuser and you are well rid!!

My ex is nasty like yours womans aid actually believe he only sees the children to keep in touch with me when I strayed from the path (I dated a man) he went apocalyptic and the children suffered so I don't date anymore if I work he goes insane if I'm seen talking to people the kids get it im out of the relationship he is onto his second fiance that I know of and he still won't let me go fiance number one was a toxic relationship she stabbed him he attacked her etc etc now he has destroyed her he moved onto her friend wh has bought him a car a new iPhone he has got a job for her and held it down for weeks! (Usually he would have argued with someone and been fired by now) but its taken its toll on the children the youngest won't see him now he keeps trying to force a reconnection with him but ds says no flat out no and it pisses him off because that's not the deal the kids are supposed to love him im the wrong one im the problem so he tries again via ds1 which upsets him because why does dad not want to know him why the focus on ds2? So he cuts him off this is also my fault nothing to do with him and so it rumbles on ive got go return to work soon im already trying to hide job searching from ds1 because he will tell his dad and he will go insane his usual tricks are changing days so I lose my childcare ringing me at work to scream at me showing up at work to return the children so I lose my job then I'm a pathetic loser he can laugh at

So yeah I hear you

I actually do think that I should get back in touch with my therapist, who had set me free based on how well I was doing. This whole situation has led to me backsliding considerably.

The worst part is that he is playing family with this woman in a way that he never would with me, the actual mother of his children. It's so deflating. I so desperately wanted him to show an interest in family life with me, but he was uninterested in caring for our daughter, or spending time with her, unless it exactly suited him. So we had to take an au pair on hols, and I would put our daughter to bed without him. Turns out he is sitting and reading to both my daughter and the girlfriend's daughter while the girlfriend contentedly lies there and listens. Why didn't he want this with me? It's so heartbreaking.

Repeat this mantra, “I don’t have the full picture”. Because it is very likely (given your experience) that he will revert to his old behavior, if he hasn’t already when you’re DD is not watching. Leopards don’t change spots, jerks don’t become angels.

At the start of your relationship, he was pretending. When he was kind, considerate, planned nice dates etc - all pretend. You know now that this is not who he is. He is currently pretending to be someone he is not with his new gf. As they have children, this game includes reading stories and being interested in the kids.

Of course he likes that his new gf works part time rather than full time. When they move in together she will be more vulnerable.

Hope you're feeling ok this morning OP.

I just wanted to add one thing. You say the two girls are 3 and 4. I'm not sure which yours is, but are you basing all this on what a 3-4yr old has told you? Are you sure it's not at all a little girl exaggerating what she wishes her weekend to be?

Thanks, all. No, I am sure my little girl isn't exaggerating. She is almost 5. And she hasn't gone on about it at length. She has just told me enough to know what has been going on.

I'm feeling a bit better today, thanks. I did some internet stalking and found the woman with some clever google searches based on information I have gleaned (he refuses to tell me anything about the girlfriend).

I think that they have been dating for at least 7-8 months minimum, far longer than he admitted. The woman looks very similar to me and her name is almost the same as mine. It's all very weird and gross.

After that bout of self-pity, I think I am prepared to be more even keeled until they move in together or whatever the next stage of their relationship will look like.

Hi op maintain and continue very low contact - it’s tough.
Mine was abusive and I had to call the police and report him. He was charged. We have a son.
He got remarried and it was painful. He’s mortgage free too!!!
This was a man who claimed to love me but assaulted me. He has told his new wife he assaulted me. It is complicated - your are right.
There are already red flags in the relationship - introducing children early.
Yes he may know it will get all get fed back to you with his Disney dad routine. I’m wondering if he says to her “ Daddy is doing this for you” etc.
She’s only repeating what he has said.
Yes I used to wish my ex was dead - so I would have to deal with his crap.
He doesn’t appear to have taken responsibility for his behaviour in the relationship - still blaming you -
Yes therapy will be good - the finding out he’s met someone as is acting in the way you wanted him to when he was with you is painful.
Your feelings are normal and understandably.

@Whydidimarryhim thanks, yes. Fortunately I think we are entering into a period where I will be able to sustain low contact for a while. He does all he can to stay in my face, but between now and Christmas I think I can keep things minimal.

I think you need to take a deep breath & move on, forget the past & move into your amazing future. I have zero feelings for my ex, I was angry for a while after the divorce, but the best way forwards is to hold your head up high, get on with your life & show him you don’t need him & that he cannot affect you. How he treats her is her problem, not yours. Move on

I think it's natural to feel this way to some degree op.
My ex husband had an affair and stayed with the OW after I found out. Those first few weeks/month were horrendous. I'd find out about 'date night's and weekend breaks they were going on while I was heartbroken at home trying to mend our devastated children's hearts.

She had the best of him that me and our children should have been having. But then 2 years down the line he cheated on her and left her for his current g/f so she also got the worst of him too, as his current g/f will at some point. I'm sure she thinks he is wonderful, and he can be, but only until he's not.

It's up and down today. My therapist isn't free till next Thursday so I suppose I will just try to focus on the positives and building my own life until then.

Update: talking to my therapist helped, but he's clearly getting in deeper and deeper with this woman. It's like my daughter goes into a family unit when she is with him.

I just don't understand why he's worthy of love but I'm not. I keep thinking maybe he has changed!

In the meantime, he is opting not to see our daughter next weekend (her birthday weekend) because he's going on holiday with his mates. He says.

Hi OP I think children often say things they have been emphasised to them, and this kind of man may have been repeating ‘wasn’t it lovely when I read to you and we all snuggled up? That was a really special moment’ and so on. It’s sort of coercive, to cement the best memories in the story, and I’ve seen it done. Just a thought.

He will show his true colours at some point, it's an act to draw her in