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Original poster

Is my father being controlling?

87 replies

ifineverknewyou · 30/10/2021 00:44

My father has always been very over-protective and anxious.

I'm in my 20s and I have a job that involves a 5 minute walk to the nearest train station, and then catching a train home. He has anxiety and because of it he won't let me catch the train home, he drives to pick me up. I find it really embarrassing and frustrating and have told him I want to go home via train during my lunch break, only to check my phone when I'm walking out at 5pm to see a text saying he's parked outside and is here to pick me up.

He thinks he is just being helpful and nice, but I find it suffocating. My colleagues are always inviting me out for after-work drinks and I have to decline as I know he's waiting to pick me up.

I went to a dinner with work once, I told him in advance I was going and I would make my own way home. My phone ran out of battery but I borrowed a colleague's portable charger and when my phone turned back on I had several missed calls and texts from my him and he was panicking because he couldn't get hold of me. It turns out he had been waiting to pick me up since 5pm, even though he knew I was going for a meal. He ended up waiting 4 hours and when I got in the car I got shouted at for not answering the calls as my phone battery was dead, he worried that something bad had happened.

It's not normal. I'm embarrassed even typing all of this as I know it's so weird.

OP posts:
Lucked · 30/10/2021 00:47

No not normal and a terrible situation

Do you live with your parents? Is your mum around?

Pinkbonbon · 30/10/2021 00:49

Youre right, uts not normal and yes, I'd say it us controlling. I'd tell him 'I'm getting the train home today. Don't say I didn't tell you' and if he shows up I would tell him to go home. Or go out the back way, get the train home and text him when you're home.

The more you let it slide, the worse it'll get.

TaraR2020 · 30/10/2021 00:54

You need to move out

MotherOfDragons27 · 30/10/2021 00:54

This is weird, YANBU. If you pre-warn him that you don't want or need him to pick you up then it's his own fault if he sits there waiting. Don't let this continue any longer. I'd make my own way home every day and make sure you stick to it. Keep telling him no and soon enough he will realise you mean it. This is very controlling and unhealthy. His anxiety is his problem to deal with and it should not be affecting you like this. Good luck.

Anordinarymum · 30/10/2021 00:59

Op I think perhaps you have to start taking the control back and telling him 'no'. No arguments. No justifying yourself. It's your life.

You are allowing him to be like this by not stopping it. Tell him 'NO Dad'.

TedMullins · 30/10/2021 01:17

Do you still live with your parents? If so you really need to move out. Your dad sounds unhinged - what happens if you say no or just ignore him?

Offmyfence · 30/10/2021 05:00

If you live with your parents, then you need to move out now! If you don't live with them, you've got to be firm....no! Don't get in the car, don't acknowledge any messages!

Weenurse · 30/10/2021 05:03

Time to move out.

2catsandhappy · 30/10/2021 07:56

Text him in the morning saying you are going out with friends straight after work. Text again an hour before the end of work saying don't forget I am going out. Walk out with the friends and go to their car.
You tried it before and he reacted badly. Your phone died and he was 'proved right' for worrying as he couldn't get in touch.
Please try again. Your world is getting very small. Your df's world seems to be focused on you and it is too much responsibility for you. Do you think he has a sort of OCD? As in, if he picks you up at the same time then it will keep everything safe?
Sorry for all the questions but this just is not normal or reasonable.

Bananalanacake · 30/10/2021 08:16

Very controlling. Do you pay rent to your parents. Moving out doesn't have to be too expensive, you could be a lodger or get a room in a house share.

billy1966 · 30/10/2021 08:59

Absolutely unhinged.

Is your mother around?

If not, you need to look at moving out as soon as you can.

He sounds very controlling.

This is a very unhealthy environment for you.

Look at renting a room somewhere.

Just move out.

cptartapp · 30/10/2021 09:11

You need to start doing what you want and not what he wants. This will only get worse as he gets older.

blissfulllife · 30/10/2021 09:13

Is your mom around? Could you get her to talk to him? Honestly my dh would still be out taking our daughters to and from work/social events if I let him. He's terrified of the world his daughters are growing up in. You're going to have to be firm and tell him no more. Reassure him you're taking your safety seriously and give him a hug and say thank you for caring about me so much x

RandomMess · 30/10/2021 09:21

Tell him to stop picking you up.

Start going out after work as much as possible.

Tell him via text every day you don't know when you are coming home so do not come to pick me up.

I can see there being rows but it needs to be done.

saraclara · 30/10/2021 09:23

You need to move out. This man is stifling you. You're a grown adult who's not allowed a five minute walk and a train ride. My kids were allowed that (encouraged in fact) by their early teens.

Do you have any other family at all that could advocate for you? Anyone who could encourage him to seek help for his anxiety?

But seriously, you have a job. Can you afford a house share at least? You need to live independently of him.

ememem84 · 30/10/2021 09:30

Oh god. I had this.

I could walk home. Or get the bus. But it was insisted that I’d be picked up. Sometimes when raining it was nice not to have to do the bus or the walk. But sometimes. Infuriating.

Sometimes after a busy day i needed the walk to clear my head. Sometimes I ended up working late and ddad got annoyed because he’d be waiting from 445 for me to finish. And every 5 minutes or so after 5 he’s be calling to find out when I was finished.

Even if I texted or called to say I was working late and would make my own way home.

He meant well. But his anxiety drove me insane.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/10/2021 09:32

It's not your job to manage your father's anxiety.

Stop getting in the car. Move out.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 30/10/2021 09:33

You need to move out. Or emigrate.

1MillionDollars · 30/10/2021 09:36

Sounds like he is massively worried and anxious to me, but it is suffocating you.

You need to set boundaries with him. Even if he picks you up you tell him he has wasted your time because your going for a walk to clear your head and catching the train.

You tell him how it is. You are a grown women who makes her own decisions.

If he still doesn't get it, move out, find a shared room.

Also. Make sure you don't fall into the trap of finding a partner like your dad. It will come across that this so called partner cares for you, wants to make you safe etc but will be controlling you.

'I just don't like you going out because. I worry about you' TRANSLATION 'You're not allowed to go out.'

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 30/10/2021 09:40

I assumed that you worked until late at night. It never even occurred to me that you’d finish at 5pm!
That’s crazy.
As PP posters have said, you should look into moving out and gaining some distance and independence.

DeireadhFomhair · 30/10/2021 09:40

You need to move out, that's all way too much.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/10/2021 09:53

Yes it is hugely controlling. It doesn't matter why he is doing it. He is stopping you having any sort of life. Work. Home. Home. Work.
Do you go out with friends? Parties? Concerts? Anything like that?

I know that at 20 you likely don't have a lot of cash behind you and that depending on where you live, a flat or house might be unaffordable but you will find you could probably afford a flatshare or to rent a room in someone's house.
The only way you will break free from your dad's control is to not live in the same house.

1MillionDollars · 30/10/2021 10:00

I think basically you need to stand up to him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/10/2021 10:08

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. You will need some therapy to unlearn all the crap your controlling and thus abusive father in particular has taught you. I would suggest you read "If you had controlling parents" by Dr Dan Neuharth.

I would certainly second this comment made by 1MillionDollars:-
"Make sure you don't fall into the trap of finding a partner like your dad. It will come across that this so called partner cares for you, wants to make you safe etc but will be controlling you.

'I just don't like you going out because I worry about you' TRANSLATION 'You're not allowed to go out."

I was also wondering where your mother is here.

You need to move out as soon as you are able to do so. He will still attempt to control you though and you absolutely need to break free of his control.

Original poster
ifineverknewyou · 30/10/2021 10:13

I have tried standing up to him, but at work I can't really look at my phone aside from during lunch so I will send a text saying "remember, I'm making my own way home today" and then I will walk out and he will be parked front and centre, waiting for me. I know if I walked past him and ignored him he would probably make a scene.

When I have been out with colleagues and he has waited I've got in the car and been shouted at and I told him I'm not apologising for making him wait, or for going for dinner with colleagues. I told him I was going out and I was going to get the train home. If he wants to spend 4 hours waiting for me, that's on him and I won't be guilt tripped over it.

I deliberately don't tell him what restaurant I'm going to as I worry he would park right outside and all my colleagues would see.

OP posts:
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