Is my father being controlling?

[ifineverknewyou]

My father has always been very over-protective and anxious.

I'm in my 20s and I have a job that involves a 5 minute walk to the nearest train station, and then catching a train home. He has anxiety and because of it he won't let me catch the train home, he drives to pick me up. I find it really embarrassing and frustrating and have told him I want to go home via train during my lunch break, only to check my phone when I'm walking out at 5pm to see a text saying he's parked outside and is here to pick me up.

He thinks he is just being helpful and nice, but I find it suffocating. My colleagues are always inviting me out for after-work drinks and I have to decline as I know he's waiting to pick me up.

I went to a dinner with work once, I told him in advance I was going and I would make my own way home. My phone ran out of battery but I borrowed a colleague's portable charger and when my phone turned back on I had several missed calls and texts from my him and he was panicking because he couldn't get hold of me. It turns out he had been waiting to pick me up since 5pm, even though he knew I was going for a meal. He ended up waiting 4 hours and when I got in the car I got shouted at for not answering the calls as my phone battery was dead, he worried that something bad had happened.

It's not normal. I'm embarrassed even typing all of this as I know it's so weird.

Op, I have a friend whose mother is like this. Her every move is controlled for her 'safety'. In reality, she has stifled every shred of independence she ever had.

This has gone on for her whole life. She is now 48, single, a virgin and completely 'institutionalised' to her life being controlled at every turn. She believes her Mum is doing this out of love, but loving a child is giving them the tools to live independently and not telling them they are in danger if they step outside unaccompanied.

You need to make changes now OP if your Dad refuses to listen to your clear instructions about not picking you up from work.

When you move out, he will probably try to guilt trip you into giving him or your mum a spare key. Do not give him a key or I think he will be round at your new place all the time just letting himself in on the pretence of making sure you didn't fall over in the shower or choke on your dinner. He sounds utterly smothering and controlling.

You're not responsible for appeasing your fathers anxiety. Please leave :(

Have you got a support network of friends? Would you be able to rent somewhere alone or with one of them at all?

I think you just need to stand up to him. If he turns up at work go and get the train anyway. Let him waste his own time. Hopefully after a while he will get the message.

It's not anxiety. Please leave. I agree with pp that you should encourage your mum to leave as well

Im so sorry he's doing this to you.

If you are feeling nervous about moving out, why not post a thread here briefly explaining the situation and asking for help on moving out, things you will need, things to remember etc - there's so many people on here who would be happy to help, you'd get such comprehensive lists of stuff and it might make you feel better? You can definitely do this OP :) I was nervous too but once you've got a list down on paper of what you need, how much etc it feels a lot less daunting.

From now on you tell him you will be finding your own way home at a time that suits you. If he wants to just turn up then that’s on him. You ignore him, go out with your colleagues or catch your train home as planned. Don’t get into an argument, just ignore him.
He’s doing this because you are letting him.
If he takes the knife off you, take your pumpkin and get another knife. Remind him of your age and that’s ygg eat he gets help for his inability to let go of the apron strings.

Stop letting him get away with it, and if you can move out, do it!!

I moved out at 17, I was clueless. I’d never done a thing for myself growing up, I’d never used a washing machine, never cooked a meal myself, never washed a dish. I was a bit all over the place at first but I learned.
You’ll be fine. Stand up to him and do not pander to his issues, they’re his issues not yours x

That should say “and suggest he gets help”

Do not listen to the advice of moving out with your mother. Sadly, she must have some very significant issues herself to have stayed with a man like this, You could end up being her crutch and you'll never be able to escape. You need to get out on your own, and you mother needs to take responsibility for herself.

In the meantime, you have got to take a stand. Tell your father you will no longer answer his calls whilst at work, and you will no longer take rides home. If he is parked outside after work, you will walk right past him and you won't stop, not even for a second. If he "makes a scene", that's on him, and you won't be around to witness it.

You've got to take control, op.

@RantyAunty

See if you can find a room share with a couple of other women around your age and move out.

You confidence will soar once you move out.
As long as you stay at home, he will just continue to grind you down.

I agree. If you get a house share it's a good stepping stone to building your confidence and independence, and eventually getting your own place. Do not give him your address - he will make your life hell by turning up if you do. Tell him it's in another area altogether and he doesn't need to know.

He's an abusive asshole who is making yours and your mother's life hell but it's up to your mother to look out for herself. You can only control what you do and that is to stop allowing your asshole father to control you!

@Aquamarine1029

Do not listen to the advice of moving out with your mother. Sadly, she must have some very significant issues herself to have stayed with a man like this, You could end up being her crutch and you'll never be able to escape. You need to get out on your own, and you mother needs to take responsibility for herself.

In the meantime, you have got to take a stand. Tell your father you will no longer answer his calls whilst at work, and you will no longer take rides home. If he is parked outside after work, you will walk right past him and you won't stop, not even for a second. If he "makes a scene", that's on him, and you won't be around to witness it.

You've got to take control, op.

Agreed, OP’s mum needs to sort her own life. It’s possible she’s beyond help other than professional help. The last thing OP needs is an emotionally dependent mother, like mine was - she moaned at me constantly about my father and how he’d ruined her life, and it was exhausting. Not taking his calls at work would be perfectly normal, OP. It’s normal to not accept personal calls when you’re working except in an emergency. Are there any workmates who can provide some support? You can be sure they find his behaviour abnormal and possibly frightening, though they’d probably not say so to you.

Definitely move out, but don't tell him in advance! He will just try to fill your head with negativity ("you can't do that, what if X happens? It's not safe!") Or maybe even try to physically block you. Make sure you have your important documents (birth cert, passport etc.) Then go.

Find a houseshare with women your own age and just move. Don't give him or your mum a key, and I would be inclined to not tell them your new address either. He sounds like the type who'd come banging your door down at 6am because you didn't reply to a text, and your housemates don't need that.

Put him on an information diet. He doesn't need to know your new address, where you work, your friends names. He can't be trusted with that information so he doesn't get it. His anxiety controls his life but it shouldn't control yours too

You will blossom so much once you're out from under his thumb! I'm so excited for you at the wonderful, free life you're going to lead.

You can only help your own self ultimately. You cannot help your mother and she is still with her husband for what are really her own reasons. She has also failed you as a parent here and thrown you under the bus by failing to protect you from her abuser of a husband.

Move out and do not leave either of them any contact details or forwarding address.

I would suggest you move out and see if you can transfer to another office or work flexible hours.

And don't worry that you're not capable of being independent...it's a leap but you will be just fine.

My mum has always been controlling under the guise of overprotectiveness. Not to this extent and there are genuine issues...she put me off doing a lot when I was younger...uni, travel, career opportunities.

I'm now 46, have been married, divorced and raised a child, own my second home, drive all over the country and go abroad on my own and have just quit my job to start my own business.

Once you get started you'll be amazed at what you're capable of .

Dont worry about living on your own.
It's just a case of learning to cook all your own meals and how to pay bills (which are pretty simple as they literally break down the instructions in their paperwork).

I knew nothing when I moced out for uni. But I had Google :)

You poor thing.

Yes you know he's controlling and you must move as far away as possible and do not let him start any DIY jobs or start checking the electrics etc

My son is mid-teens so not at the stage you are at. However, he has far less constrictions than you. I expect him to give me a rough idea of when I am picking him up (his choice), offer to pay bus fares if he prefers that, check he has his charged phone and let him get on with his life.

If he needed to be collected from everywhere at the age of 20, I would feel that I had failed. I'm not talking about picking him up as a favour, but insisting that I control not only his journey but his social life.

That is what your father is doing. You can't hang around and chat with co-workers (or, heaven forbid, boys!) because your father is waiting. He throws tantrums about you going out with your co-workers - I bet you have to weigh up whether it's worth going anywhere against the tantrum he'll throw. I suggest you have a think about other obstacles you may have in your life that stop you spreading your wings.

I believe that my job is to teach my child not to need me. I hope he will want me around when he's an adult, but if he needs then I have failed.

I would consider your position carefully. Take care of yourself.

Yeah, I completely agree with other posters that you need to move out, you absolutely can do it, your dad has put doubts in your head. Start looking for a flat/house share immediately.

In the short term, make it clear to your dad you don't need picking up from work anymore, you'll be getting the train and ask him not to turn up outside your workplace, as you won't be getting in the car. Is there a different entrance/exit you can use so you don't have to walk past him?

If you are going out with friends/colleagues after work though make sure you text him to say you will be late, if he does have anxiety you just not turning up home from work that could be torturous. Out of interest if he was parked outside of your work and you stuck your head in the door and said you weren't coming home you were going out for dinner with some friends what would he do/say?

Definitely do not look for somewhere with your mother.

She is NOT your responsibility.

Do NOT give either of them a key to any place you find.

Sorry for the delay in responding to all of your comments. I am really grateful for them and have read through them all. I guess I just didn't really know how to respond. It's quite difficult and upsetting.

I don't really have much of a support network. Most of my friends have moved away and friends I made at previous jobs were more 'work friends' than actual friends you would disclose something like this with. I started a new job in the summer and mainly work from home so I don't know my colleagues that well, not enough to feel comfortable talking about this kind of stuff with. I'm also not really close to any extended family either. I'm also single and have no interest in changing that any time soon as I don't want to replicate my parents' marriage.

I think a house share would be a good idea.

Time to stand on your own two feet and get away from this.

House shares can be good/bad. Great thing is you don't have to stay there if you don't want too.

If you find a nice sociable house it may help extend your social circle. You can also do that yourself by joining clubs and groups e.t.c

Definitely stop getting in the car with him after work. Tell him you don't need/want a lift, stay an extra half hour or so in work then straight to the train when you are ready. You haven't answered the question as to whether you can leave work without being seen by him?
I suspect you don't have many friends/ a great social life because of him... start going to every social occasion at work that you can afford, if he's waiting on the office car park like a pillock that's up to him. Do not, whatever you do tell him where you will be.....he doesn't get to come and sit outside the bar/restaurant waiting for you effectively policing the time you have to leave and go home. A text at lunchtime saying you are out after work and will be late home is more than adequate.
I agree with the previous poster about teenagers having more freedom than you, my fifteen year old son (and my eleven year old daughter to a certain degree ) have more freedom than you! You need to make a serious effort right now to push back and stop this nonsense, how are you likely to meet a boyfriend (in the future, when you want one) if daddy is waiting to whisk you straight of home? Drinks after work where some of the best nights out I had at your age and after the pandemic as things are getting back to normal you are going to miss out on so, so much
Please move out as soon as you can (house share or lodger might be the best option for now until you find your feet) but in the meantime just stop pandering to him, he only gets away with it because you let him do it.

I'm assuming you're single, OP? Have you ever been in a relationship? Because I can't see a relationship going well, with your dad behaving like this. Do you think he actually intends to ensure you stay single?

Hi OP, please move out as soon as you can. His behaviour will only become more entrenched as time goes on. This type of parenting is not normal and his anxiety is not a valid reason for trying to rigidly control your life. No more lifts (even if it makes life a bit harder). You might also want to consider looking at Patrick Teahan and Nicole Le Pera. Good luck.

Move out to a house share, and then you can work on developing some new relationships/friendships. I imagine it is hard to do anything with such a controlling father. Find some freedom and enjoy yourself!