Is my father being controlling?

[ifineverknewyou]

My father has always been very over-protective and anxious.

I'm in my 20s and I have a job that involves a 5 minute walk to the nearest train station, and then catching a train home. He has anxiety and because of it he won't let me catch the train home, he drives to pick me up. I find it really embarrassing and frustrating and have told him I want to go home via train during my lunch break, only to check my phone when I'm walking out at 5pm to see a text saying he's parked outside and is here to pick me up.

He thinks he is just being helpful and nice, but I find it suffocating. My colleagues are always inviting me out for after-work drinks and I have to decline as I know he's waiting to pick me up.

I went to a dinner with work once, I told him in advance I was going and I would make my own way home. My phone ran out of battery but I borrowed a colleague's portable charger and when my phone turned back on I had several missed calls and texts from my him and he was panicking because he couldn't get hold of me. It turns out he had been waiting to pick me up since 5pm, even though he knew I was going for a meal. He ended up waiting 4 hours and when I got in the car I got shouted at for not answering the calls as my phone battery was dead, he worried that something bad had happened.

It's not normal. I'm embarrassed even typing all of this as I know it's so weird.

You can speak to woman’s aid and you can live in a woman’s refuge. You don’t need to save or worry about any of that because they will help and support you through everything.

Domestic abuse isn’t just about partners, there is much more going on here than just control.

You can go to relationship courses as well that can stop you from falling into a relationship like that and help you spot the signs.

Can you transfer your job to another branch?
Please talk to womens aid even if you can only do it in your lunch break give a quick call and explain everything, they will be able to help you I promise.

Why isn't your mum putting her foot down and telling him to stop treating you like a baby?

This is not aniexty he's a bully and he's controlling you and your mum.
Def go for a house share you'll feel so much better op and it's a good step for your independence if your not feeling ready to live alone.

Why don't you join some after work clubs or do some sports or volunteer ?
Any excuse not to go home
Go to library - they will have info about local events
Join drama club
Go swimming or to the gym
Go to pub for quiz night
Do a first aid course

Move out & rent a room in a shared house

I'm also single and have no interest in changing that any time soon as I don't want to replicate my parents' marriage.

Well, when the time's right you'll be primed for some of the signs of a controlling man, and there's a lot of good advice and links to advice on this forum re red flags to look out for.

Its control, not anxiety. Even if it was anxiety its not your job to fix your dad. Thats on him.

When youve moved out I think it would be a good idea to do the freedom program as a preventive measure against finding yourself in such a relationship in future.

You haven't answered the question about why you go home directly after work ?

Do you not do any hobbies, volunteering, or sports after work ?

Why don't you buy your own car or cycle or use public transport ?

Every time you get in the car, it reinforces his decision to come and get you. A week of passing by him in the car and walking to the train station anyway would solve this problem, but do you have the guts to follow through with it?

Agree with pp, you need to stop calling this ‘his anxiety’. It really isn’t. It is abusive.

I think the first thing is to really push back, go for drinks or dinner with colleagues and then go and get the train. It's not your problem if he has sat in town in his car for 4 hours.

But yes move out asap. My teens also have more freedom than this.

@Under5Weather6

You haven't answered the question about why you go home directly after work ?

Do you not do any hobbies, volunteering, or sports after work ?

Why don't you buy your own car or cycle or use public transport ?

Sorry, I didn't mean to miss that question.

My work is 1-1.5 hours away from home so most of the time I do go straight home but once a week I try and go out with colleagues (which as I've described is a whole ordeal).

I do have my own car, but there's no parking near my work that doesn't cost a fortune and it's a really stressful drive in a busy city centre.

My dad was a bit like that. He got the hang of it eventually once I left home. Actually I probably got married a bit more quickly than I should have done, just to get away legitimately.

It's a kind of neurotic possessive habit he's got into, like one of those sheepdogs that keeps snapping at people's ankles to round them up. It's not much fun for you (or your poor mum!), but if you make the effort to move away, he'll have to concede to the logistics of the situation eventually. Good luck!

Drive on the days everyone goes out for dinner. It's only once a week and the cost would be worth it.

Good luck finding a house share. Maybe your colleagues might know of somewhere? It's worth asking.