Is my father being controlling?

[ifineverknewyou]

My father has always been very over-protective and anxious.

I'm in my 20s and I have a job that involves a 5 minute walk to the nearest train station, and then catching a train home. He has anxiety and because of it he won't let me catch the train home, he drives to pick me up. I find it really embarrassing and frustrating and have told him I want to go home via train during my lunch break, only to check my phone when I'm walking out at 5pm to see a text saying he's parked outside and is here to pick me up.

He thinks he is just being helpful and nice, but I find it suffocating. My colleagues are always inviting me out for after-work drinks and I have to decline as I know he's waiting to pick me up.

I went to a dinner with work once, I told him in advance I was going and I would make my own way home. My phone ran out of battery but I borrowed a colleague's portable charger and when my phone turned back on I had several missed calls and texts from my him and he was panicking because he couldn't get hold of me. It turns out he had been waiting to pick me up since 5pm, even though he knew I was going for a meal. He ended up waiting 4 hours and when I got in the car I got shouted at for not answering the calls as my phone battery was dead, he worried that something bad had happened.

It's not normal. I'm embarrassed even typing all of this as I know it's so weird.

You need to keep doing it until he gets it or move out.

This isn't going to get better. Tell him a txt from work that he doesn't need to pick you up and if he turns up anyway you will still be getting a train.

It might help to put how you feel in a txt message. Saves getting into an argument and you can clearly and concisely say what you need.

He is ignoring your wants and needs. It doesn't matter what the reasoning is, it's not okay.

Is there any other exit from work? If you send him a text to say that you don't need picking up from work (but you know he'll come anyway) can you leave by another door?

But please, please leave home. I don't know of some of the helplines could advise you? Even if his compulsion is entirely about anxiety and not with malicious intent, you still need help to escape.

He does this because he can and it works for him. Make no mistake here, this is abusive behaviour from him. Controlling you like he is here is abusive.

If the workplace security team have not already clocked him I would make them aware of your father and his car. If your dad makes a scene in front of them that would be on him.

Moving out is a must do here but you should be aware that this action won't necessarily stop him from further trying to control you.

You poor thing, you haven't done anything the warrant being shouted at. Please, find somewhere else to live. Maybe this takes a while and involves working clearing debts and saving money, but do it. He is abusing you.

You've got to move out. This can't carry on.

In the short term, could you arrange to start and leave work earlier so you can travel without him since he won't get the message any other way?

This is honestly one of the most concerning posts I've read on Mumsnet for a while.
Is it just you and your dad at home OP?
Do you have any friends who could help you?
I feel it's imperative to take action now otherwise where will you be in 20 years time?

Where is your mum?

He is hugely abusive.

Be very careful of any future partners as was said above.

You being afraid he will make a scene?

Abusive.

You need to move out.

My Mum lives with us too, he is similar with her. My Mum and I are both very open with each other about what he is like.

I know I need to move out, and I will very soon. I feel like I have no confidence in being able to live independently, which I know sounds bad, I just feel so immature and lacking in confidence. Earlier I was carving a pumpkin and he stopped me and took over in case I hurt myself with the knife. I know that's such a small thing, but it's something that happens a lot and I feel like overall it just knocks my confidence and I feel like I'm not able to be/act like an adult.

My Dad is always telling me I need to get another job that is closer to home, even though this is a really good opportunity for my career. I realise he doesn't have my best interests in heart when he says that, he just wants me closer to home for the sake of his anxiety.

You need to start standing up to him a little at a time.

Do you have any flexibility to leave work a little earlier and make the time up or start earlier and finish earlier?

If it was me I would text him and tell him, on Monday I am going to x after work, do not come and pick me up.

Then arrange to leave slightly earlier go do something and get the train home, even if
you know full well that he is sitting there like a lemon, and all you do is sit having a coffee for half an hour.

If he tries to argue with you respond along the lines of “I understand you are anxious, but your anxiety can’t rule my life”

Please , please leave .
My best friend's dad was exactly like this.
Once he rang her work demanding to speak to her, she was pulled out of a client meeting because of her dad stating there was "emergency " . The "emergency" was that friend had left the house before her dad was back from walking the dog. At the time friend was 26.
She never went home to live again ( stayed with me for a few days then found a flat). When she told me the extent of the control I was horrified.

He sounds a nightmare.

My dad can be bad but not as bad. He interferes and tries to control how things are done. Had two massive arguments with him about cooking chips in a proper chip pan.

Told him it's interfering and controlling and if I need his advice I will ask.

You'll be fine on your own. It's daunting but you'll be fine and love the freedom. My ex left and most of her siblings as soon as they could because her dad was similar and they wanted to break free from him.

You need to do the same.

Good to hear you'll be moving out. Sorry he's taken your confidence away but if you're capable of holding down a job and going out with friends, you're capable of living independently.
In the meantime just don't get in his car. Walk past and get the train. If he makes a scene in front of your friends, apologise to them (not him) and explain that he's mentally unwell, though I'm sure they've realised that and probably feel sorry for you.
Please stop telling yourself he's being nice.
When you leave you will feel wonderfully free. The feeling of having space and being able to breathe will change your life.

You need to move out.

You shouldn’t have to alter your life because your father has anxiety. It’s HIS job to seek help for his issues, not impose them on you.

Does he take medication , attend a self help group or go for therapy / counselling ? Read self help books? Do mindfulness / meditation / prayer ?

You can't develop full confidence in yourself without experience. He isn't allowing you to gain experience. Good parenting allows a gradual age appropriate exposure to experience so that by your age it's complete. You will find you will quickly get the confidence once you get the experience, so you desperately need to move out. Everyone had some qualms about living independently for the first time, including those of us well parented, but you will soon get over it and love it. You are clearly competent, you write and explain yourself well, you actually see your own position well and you seem to be doing fine at work. Next step, independent living! Go for it!

I know I need to move out, and I will very soon. I feel like I have no confidence in being able to live independently, which I know sounds bad, I just feel so immature and lacking in confidence

That’s the intention, he’s done it so you never leave. You poor thing, sounds horrifying.

No one knows how to do it. You just go and do it, fail pick yourself up and keep trying. Then before you know it you have your own home, life, family of your own. But you’ll have none of that ever if you stay as you are. I’d be careful he doesn’t try to sabotage your job. It may be worth warning your employer.

Op, your confidence will soar once you've moved out and cut the apron strings he keeps tying,I promise.

Remember to be selective with what you tell him in the future and lay down a few ground rules from the start. A bright future awaits you :)

@ifineverknewyou

My Mum lives with us too, he is similar with her. My Mum and I are both very open with each other about what he is like.

I know I need to move out, and I will very soon. I feel like I have no confidence in being able to live independently, which I know sounds bad, I just feel so immature and lacking in confidence. Earlier I was carving a pumpkin and he stopped me and took over in case I hurt myself with the knife. I know that's such a small thing, but it's something that happens a lot and I feel like overall it just knocks my confidence and I feel like I'm not able to be/act like an adult.

My Dad is always telling me I need to get another job that is closer to home, even though this is a really good opportunity for my career. I realise he doesn't have my best interests in heart when he says that, he just wants me closer to home for the sake of his anxiety.

Oh no op. I recognise this.

I have a relative that does it. I've reduced contact with them because this sort of behaviour would make anyone feel like shit. It's designed to make you feel like you can't do anything right. I recognise that it did me a world of damage.

And anxiety is not an excuse. Be aware that many abusers claim to have depression, anxiety, adhd and all manner of things in order to get you to feel you have to tolerate bs because they are ill. You don't. And it's not the cause of this level of controlling behaviour.

If I were you, I'd ask your mum to move out with you. She can't be happy either right?

Has he even seen a doctor/therapist about his anxiety? What us he doing to ensure he gets better and his anxiety doesn't cause his family grief? Because if it's nothing, screw him, get gone and get your mum out too.

Move out asap.

He sounds really controlling particularly where he gets angry with you.

I hope you get out soon OP, you deserve to be living your life and enjoying your twenties. Don't let him take that from you

I don't believe it's anxiety

I think ideally you and your mum should leave together.

See if you can find a room share with a couple of other women around your age and move out.

You confidence will soar once you move out.
As long as you stay at home, he will just continue to grind you down.

You need to stop calling it anxiety and call it what it is. Controlling behaviour.
It may be coming from a place of anxiety or anxiety may be his excuse and way to ensure you don't push back against his control. the man is a few steps away from locking you in your home!

Does he know you are planning to move out?

My advice is plan this exit very carefully.
Don't give him a key. He will d and one. He will try to continue his control of you so you may want to see if you can access some sort of therapy or course to help you get the tools you need to fend him off.

Everyone feels a bit of nervous excitement when they move out of home.
I certainly did.
But it is very exciting.

Your fathers controlling batshit behaviour is making you feel anxious.

Do not take on board his anxiety.

He does not have your best interests at heard or your mothers.

But your mother is not acting in your best interests here either.

You need to get away.

Don't tell them either.

Make a plan, sort through your stuff so you know what you want to take with you and organise yourself.

It is highly likely your father will react badly to your decision.

Womens aid is an organisation that would be good for you to call and get advice regarding your father.

He is just another abusive controlling man who wants to control the women in your life.

Well done for recognising this.

Keep posting.

It’s control not anxiety.

Speak to woman’s aid. Please.