October 2021 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its late October 2021 now, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Picking up from previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4182916-March-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread?pg=39

Forerunning threads since December 2007 are linked on the previous threads if you want to click back and have a look.

This thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Just poking my head round the door for an eye-roll here - I see you, TOASTies, and I hear you.
Mine is drunk, narc, self-destructive. I'm not NC because in many ways she is damaged and playing out her own past, and also because unfortunately her self destruction is physical and it would sit ill with my conscience in the long term were I to leave her to it. I'm LC, superficial, and I act as an intermediary for the appropriate agencies. Our relationship has improved immeasurably since she's not my problem....

So anyway the eye-roll, she's drunk herself into hospital AGAIN. Nothing new there, she just lies in bed vomiting blood into her bedding and shitting herself, absolutely terrified. So yesterday we had the phone call from the paramedics saying she'd made this 999 call and would we go in and sort her out. This being a resounding NO from the House Of Russell. Outrage on the part of the paramedic that "we're putting pressure on the overwhelmed NHS!" - oh do fuck off with that.
The GP then rings me FIVE TIMES, count 'em, five times, to a mobile number which doesn;t get a signal, but neglects to contact the landline or my office, where I'm sitting. Then gets a shitty on that we're not immediately jumping to attention to sort out poor dear vulnerable (drunk) mother, who is perfectly capable of sorting out her own shit but has temporarily abdicated responsibility due to alcohol, and directs me that I HAVE to go and sit with her until the ambulance comes because she's VULNERABLE. I say not on your nelly, old son, she really, really isn't my responsibility, and I spent 40-odd years being the alkie's neglected daughter - my son doesn't get to be the alkie's neglected grandson whilst his mum sits in a squalid flat reeking of shit and three weeks of incontinence pads for hours, waiting for an ambulance.
And today there's an aggrieved message from the hospital saying "ring the hospital, your mum is ready to collect now". No number, no dialogue. Otherwise they would get told no in person.

My DM is damaged, destructive and deficient but she's not malicious - she was abusive by negect, not intent - or I'd have kicked her to the kerb by now. It's almost as if the statutory agencies don't understand that not all families have a dynamic where it's appropriate for the children to be contacted like this....

@noirchatsdeux awful. The martyrdom is AWFUL. The Narcs and ‘saintly ones’ cannot be near children. They will repeat the same patterns of favourites and game playing. I thank the Lord I’m childless (out of choice) as the Hag would be a dreadful GM. It’s obvious that the ‘failed’ marriages (or as we call them grown up decisions / lucky escapes) are ALL about your mother. Bad image? Reflects on her? Your happiness is inconsequential

@IAMVITALITY oh, yes. I’m viewed by Hag as 1) a princess (because I like a nice life) and 2) manipulative (absolutely crying laughing at that one). It’s total deflecting behaviour by them.

I wouldn’t necessarily help the Narc access to treatment as, apparently, it’s so ingrained that it’s difficult to treat. The treatment will become a massive Narc Showtime.

I’d advise the Narc to sort it out themselves - waiting list at the NHS for mental health (which might cause outrage moment, “but I’ve got NPD”)

BACP registered counsellors can’t give a formal diagnosis, although my counsellor told me the Hag is a Coercive Narc on day one of my treatment. She sent me a load of stuff - EYE OPENING and 💯 accurate.

But BACP counsellors do specialise in different areas, but I think when they put narcissism in their specialisms they mean people who are Narc survivors or enduring a Narc. BACP has website which you can search for someone in your area. Very helpful.

@noirchatsdeux brilliant post by psychologist friend on FB today
“It’s not your child’s job to congratulate you for having a better childhood than you did”.

Funny how siblings of Narcs can often be completely normal. Hag blames her awful childhood - it was - but her family made an effort to be cheerful and great parents.

God, I remember you saying about how your bipolar was just a chance for you to bitch to a psychiatrist in an overwhelmed health service. Staggering.

@MrsRussell with that shit (sorry), get social services involved.

Demand to see the social worker in the hospital - I think you can ask a paramedic - and get the ball rolling. Or via the GP. Cite your mental health. I had bipolar meltdown witnessed by duty social worker to shift the responsibility of The Hag MIL to someone PAID and TRAINED to do it. Within 5 weeks, it was three care calls a day. I rang every single day - with The Hag MIL glowering downstairs - and once it was in place with every home adjustment known to man it was adios. Fuck off.

Your mum has serious issues. Pass to experts. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and your neglect. Take care. Xxx

Thank you Monkey (I'm also from Manchester, ay right what it is right!) she's linked in with every agency known to mankind, it's just none of them want her to die on their watch - and she will, of course. Social Services reckon she has full capacity, because obviously people with full mental capacity lie sobbing and terrified in their own shit for days. Yup.
I'm the cheap option, so they come to me first... it happens every couple of months, I go through the whole bloody saga again with a different set of hospital staff, no I won't pick her up, no I won't "just bring her some bits in", no I won't "nip in and tidy the flat".

Really sorry coming on here to have a major cry. I’m serious ill - despite my Previous GP knowing I get serious tonsillitis which does not clear up without antibiotics - new gp won’t give them until I’ve been ill for a week. So I’ve got a temp between 39 and 40 and I’m off work.
Son came home in tears - in pshce this morning he had to do a happy or sad face for his family so he did me happy, my parents both sad, my ex sad and his parents also sad. He was taken to one side and asked why the sad face by the supply teacher he said ‘ I love mummy and mummy is nice to me. Mummy’s parents are horrid and shouted at me and I used to see my bed. Grandpa threatened me with a knife and I cried. Daddy isn’t nice to mummy and his parents weren’t nice to me or mummy’

Now the gp knows all
Of this.

With my safe guarding hat on - wtf are they doing they know about exes restraining order and assault they know we moved under difficult circumstances after my parents were abusive. Ex is looking for any excuse for custody.

To cap it all supposed to have parents evening with his teacher the link does even work so that was 30
Minutes wasted trying to sort out the zoom teams meeting with no purpose. Shit shit shit. I’m in a mess right now. I’m ill and run down and really angry at the school. They aren’t meeting his EHCP he needs 1-2-1 supposedly for 2 hours a day he’s not even getting 10 minutes and now this- no one from the school even bothered to tell me at all about this morning son was crying

@MrsRussell be careful - she might be spinning the classic "oh, my daughter will do that" to the hospital staff. The only way to get things done is to force the issue by refusing to engage. No, she cannot be discharged because there is no care package in place. No, I can't step up and look after her. No, I won't be a temporary stop-gap (because that way lies hell).

@MonkeyfromManchester Yep, me having two marriages behind me is all about how it 'looks'...she totally ignores the fact that 1st marriage at barely 21 (and lasted barely 2 and a half years) was to get away from both her and my father - and only happened because they were so fucking strict they wouldn't even let my poor boyfriend upstairs in our house! The idea that I'd spend a night away, a holiday with him, etc...hell would freeze over first. I met 1st husband when I was 18, had a good job for the 3 years we were engaged, as did he. We were able to buy a house when I was 20, back when mortgage interest rates were through the roof...didn't matter, she wanted to hold on to the fantasy that I would be a good Catholic virgin on my wedding day (she was actually 10 years too late, I was groomed by a colleague of my father's. They never realised what was going on right under their noses...)

2nd husband at 32 was because (once again) I'd stupidly let her get in my head when I turned 30 and had been with my then boyfriend 5 years. I totally bought into the 'sunk cost fallacy' ...I've posted on here how I knew on the wedding day that I'd made a massive mistake. This was a man who hid me from his family the whole time we were dating, urinated on my front door on Millennium Eve... I should have dumped him instead.

Unlike my mother though, I take responsibility for my bad decisions. I was looking for happiness in other people, thinking someone else could solve all my emotional problems. I was 41 before I learnt I was responsible for my own happiness. My mother is 80 and still blames my father for 'ruining' her life, even though he's now been out of it for over 30 years...

@IAAP god, what an awful day for you. First off, if you’ve not eaten or drank anything (I have throat problems, too). You know the drill as much self-care as you can manage.

You’ve done everything to cut your parents out of your life. For last six months. You have plenty of witnesses to their AWFUL behaviour.

When you can manage it - and when the dust settles and if you want to - get a meeting in with the school, head of year/pastoral care/whoever and put this all in context. And query how they are (not) meeting his needs.

The thing always looked at in any of this is the relationship and behaviour of the primary caregiver/parent. You. Your son goes to school, is fed, clothed, looked after, isn’t acting out. Those are the things that are the BIG context.

Must say it’s a bit Fucking clumsy to have a whole class exercise like that - what if there’s some serious safe guarding going down. Jesus.

You are a FAB mum who does 150% for your children. You’ve got the toxic people out of your life. Never forget that.

[quote Sicario]@MrsRussell be careful - she might be spinning the classic "oh, my daughter will do that" to the hospital staff. The only way to get things done is to force the issue by refusing to engage. No, she cannot be discharged because there is no care package in place. No, I can't step up and look after her. No, I won't be a temporary stop-gap (because that way lies hell).[/quote]
Yeah course she is @Sicario. She always does. I'm an old hand with not engaging with the hospital - according to mum they call me a bitch behind my back (they don't really, it's just mum trying to play divide and conquer)
It's more an eye-roll at the "but she's your mum! you can't just leave her here!" attitude of saintly outrage from certain of the staff, as if it's a given that because she whelped me I should be obedient. Cor, tell you what I'd pay money to hear 'em try it with some of our TOASTies.

@MrsRussell your mum could lodge with Hag. Hag would love the sainthood this charity act bestows. Hotline to the Vatican. I’m so sorry. Awful for you. @Sicario is so right.

@noirchatsdeux I’m so sorry to hear about the abuse. That certainly wouldn’t fit with the Catholic dreamscape, would it? I hate the prioritising of their needs over a daughter living in the 20th century. And the “image”. Hag is a Catholic - I’m not, MM is 21st century version of a Catholic (no guilt). Hag is in her head living in 19th century Ireland. I will marry MM when she’s 50 foot under as not having a full on Catholic wedding of her kind. Anyway, she wouldn’t allow me to be there. Lol.

There’s a lot of peace from making one’s own happiness. They’ve never done it, have they? Hag wouldn’t know the meaning of happiness if she won a million and was sitting in the Ritz. They don’t want to find happiness. Miles better to bask in misery and inflict it on other persons.

Good friend was laughing today at the hair do on the 27 Nov - four weeks before Xmas, she specified - as obviously this is in preparation for coming to Mummy Monkey’s. Pal pointed out that a cut and blow is completely unnecessary for sitting in another slum (Slave Son lives like It’s the 1930s), in one’s stained dressing gown, eating a turkey ready meal. But necessary to go to nice house with always immaculate Mummy Monkey. She’s hedging her bets. Hilarious.

Pal said I should buy her thermals in preparation for her stay in an artic house. Hag has her heating at 1000 degrees. She’s RIDICULOUS.

God, ladies, how are we even sane?

[quote MonkeyfromManchester]@IAAP god, what an awful day for you. First off, if you’ve not eaten or drank anything (I have throat problems, too). You know the drill as much self-care as you can manage.

You’ve done everything to cut your parents out of your life. For last six months. You have plenty of witnesses to their AWFUL behaviour.

When you can manage it - and when the dust settles and if you want to - get a meeting in with the school, head of year/pastoral care/whoever and put this all in context. And query how they are (not) meeting his needs.

The thing always looked at in any of this is the relationship and behaviour of the primary caregiver/parent. You. Your son goes to school, is fed, clothed, looked after, isn’t acting out. Those are the things that are the BIG context.

Must say it’s a bit Fucking clumsy to have a whole class exercise like that - what if there’s some serious safe guarding going down. Jesus.

You are a FAB mum who does 150% for your children. You’ve got the toxic people out of your life. Never forget that.[/quote]
Thank you I’ve already emailed the school. Son felt he had to explain what they did. Gp is aware and we haven’t seen them since March - I removed them. Talked to daughter today she plans to give them multiple warning if they accost her - I said one and pull her phone out and 999 immediately if they don’t respect and leave her alone. I think they will attempt contact with her in December. Thank you sorry just so fucking fed up with it being brought up again and again. My dad was chopping chicken and had made him a chicken sandwich and then turned around with a knife in his hand and screamed at him
That he was eating too loudly daughter witnessed it
And said it wasn’t right in his face but close - he cried and wet himself and I can immediately removed him and told my father that he was unacceptable son was 6 and Sen and he needed to be kind - I took son away - father was in a foul
Mood for a week after. Maybe my response was poor and I should of left then - I wonder know how the fuck I’ve let my children down by having contact with them - what the fuck was I doing. Feel
Like the worst mum in the world tonight.

@MrsRussell Jesus, it’s laughable, isn’t it?

“Yes, of course, that nice doctor hangs out by my bedside and we spend a couple of hours swilling back tea with a plate of custard creams comparing notes on what an AWFUL daughter you are”.

I’d LOVE for some hospital staff / caring professions (not all are like this, obviously) to spend a day with the wretches. I had the eye roll from the occupational therapist until I followed her to her car and pointed out how difficult it was to live in our tiny house with the Toxic Lodger who regularly beat her children and put them in hospital. The moral outraged po face mask disappeared.

@IAAP so NOT the worse mum in the world. You have toxic parents. Psychos.

This is another outcome of toxic parenting you blame yourself. Awful.

But you are BRILLIANT.

Those things you’ve shared are AWFUL. But NOT your fault. Abusers take the power away, wreck your confidence so you are like rabbit in headlights and frozen.

You always do the right things by your kids. It’s so obvious. I hope you get a hot bath, some brainless Tv and an early night. You are not to blame in any of this. Big hug xxxxx

Out of interest how many toxic mum's had their kids in later life? Pig had me when she was 38, I'm 26 now and I wonder if there's a link between old mum = cunt mum

@KeeG8181 god knows! Zodiac? Special sign that we’re not aware of. Hag was 33. But I think it’s at any age. Someone wise here made the point that whatever age they are totally emotionally stunted and childlike. Like six years old.

I suspect Mr Monkey’s dad was a rescuer and / or needed a mother for his motherless child (Hag was second wife, first died very young of cancer) We never hear very much about it all. He, apparently, was a very nice man and died sadly when MM was 8. His childhood was good until then - fun, no violence, no shouting. I don’t think MM was aware of anything negative, but there was negativity.

Apparently, according to Slave Son, Hag played Narc games with her husband and wouldn’t speak to him for weeks so I imagine it was pretty loveless. I can’t imagine creating that atmosphere in your own home.

My theory is that, as the youngest child in Irish family she was lined up as servant for widowed mother (also a toxic bitch, father was violent), met MM’s dad aged 30 and escaped. Obviously, it’s great that Slave BIL came out of the convent orphanage (honestly, it IS an Irish novel) aged five and had a home. But what a home it became. He has never had the life he wanted.

All very enmeshed. It’s all very fucked up. It’s also incredibly sad. I cry about how awful it’s been and the damage done.

Feel very blue and exhausted by it all. Can’t believe how grim this all is.
How do we all put up with it?

@IAAP I know what you're saying about reacting to the knife incident. We are taught by the TOAST's that we have no power and no rights.

You stood up for your child but completely walking away is very hard because of the damage from historical abuse.

Try and kind to yourself - don't treat yourself the way your parents treated you

I am feeling sad. Read my diary last night, documenting ages 10/11.

My parents went abroad (Germany, Sweden, Italy) for long weekend's in one year and up to London for overnighters on a regular basis.

They just left us home alone or occasionally got someone to pop in. My older sister was 12/13 and my younger siblings 6/7 and 3/4.

That year, on NY's eve, my older sister stayed at our cousin's house (dd of flying monkey doorstep Auntie) and I was left to look after my younger siblings overnight because my Mum and Dad also fucked off out. I was 11 and wrote: "I'm babysitting just my luck. A good day, didn't get told off. and me hardly fought."

I can't quite believe it. I just think of me settling my little brother and sister and making them breakfast in the morning. The Bogeymum used to mock me for feeling scared when I babysat.

Fuck you Bogeymum, welcome to your lonely old age.

@MrsBobDylan that’s NEGLECT. The sort of thing that gets reported to the NSPCC.

I can’t (but CAN) believe that no one questioned it, least of all your auntie.

So, your auntie stood on your doorstep with Bogeymum and backed up your mother who’s DENYING neglect when your auntie saw it with her OWN eyes. Both culpable.

I want to give you a big hug. I’m so sorry. Xxx

Yep, fuck right off Bogeymum. 💯 to a lonely old age.

Jesus, the stories on here. Awful.

Hello lovely people. These threads have been a great source of enlightenment and comfort to me although I don't post much.

Popping on to say that my alcoholic neglectful parents (no physical abuse just neglect) are coming to stay with me in two weeks time.

They are staying in my house FOR THREE WEEKS. I live overseas and this is the first time they've been able to visit in two years due to COVID. I'm tolerating their visit due to 8 year old DD. They are usually easy house guests but I simmer with resentment the whole time and am dreading it.

My dad no longer drinks thank god and my mum has a few glasses of wine a night.

I'm seeing a therapist to cope with my unresolved issues around them. We've never spoken directly about anything.

Anyway I wanted to share this as it's going to be a very testing time for me and I'm sure the shared experiences and wisdom here will be even more helpful than usual.

Love and strength to everyone here. We are all resilient, strong and brilliant. Even when we don't feel it ❤️💪🏻

@MonkeyfromManchester thank you, it is really helpful to have someone sane confirm that it was barmy and wrong.

The bit in the diary that made me cry was when they got someone to stay with us one evening - she made me dinner and read me a story and it felt amazing. Neither of my parents read to me or put me to bed.

I think I went to be very late in general and I have also written one night how it was 11.30pm and my parents are arguing and how frightened I feel.

I also note down getting fillings at the dentist when I was 10, in my adult teeth. As kids we would find snacks which my Mum wouldn't notice we had taken. For example, pickled onions or butter mixed with sugar. I think that contributed to the early fillings for sure.

One time my Mum and Dad had gone away for the weekend when I was 13, and I write that 'Mum hasn't left any shopping'.

These are all details I had totally forgotten. Interesting that MM remembered about the bike getting sold - try and help him unlock some more memories (sadly there are probably loads) to see if it empowers him to bin her off for good.

@soberfabulous hi there and welcome! Keep chatting to us during the visit, we'll get you through. @MonkeyfromManchester found strangling a pillow was a great release so maybe get yours lined up?

Your parents sound awful and you have my permission to block them and never see them again.

@soberfabulous THREE weeks. We are praying for you. We are here to support. Can your therapist give you some tips for the anxiety? No point EVER trying to engage crap parents in conversation. They deny or fight back.

@MrsBobDylan it’s totally wrong. NEGLECT. JUST BEYOND AWFUL. No food. Not feeding your kids. Not making them safe. Not looking after your health. I’m so glad you’ve binned her off. The constant reminder, the expectation that you will look after her with the associated spleen. Fuck that. I’m so sorry you had such a hideous animal as your parent.

Mr Monkey remembers a lot: the constant violence, the screaming, the put downs. It’s like background noise, and then he’ll pick out a specific example like the bike. Across his street was a psycho kid (his mum was friends with his mum) and this little shit tortured him. Literally. MM was never believed about it. It’s left huge mental scars.

I think he won’t bin her off. I would have years ago aged 18 or as soon as I could leave.

He has no guilt now and no obligation.

The obligation is to his disabled brother to give him respite, but MM also says ‘He needs to empower himself’ which is so true. Hag constantly bullies Slave Brother. MM now stops her in her tracks in his dealing with her - so it’s good that MM has backed SS to reduce the awful shopping trips, stop her going into her house (she would go at 6.15am via a bus, scream at him to get up and let feral cats into his house - fleas and shit) and help the development of a united front. As we were are nearer we were definitely being lined up to be ‘home from home’. We put a stop to that. When you look at it in black and white, it’s shocking.

Thank you so much @MrsBobDylan

I frequently scream into a pillow due to my incredibly stressful job, I think strangling one is the next logical progression!

@soberfabulous @MrsBobDylan strangling is the BEST. Just emailed my mum re: Seven Martyrs A-Leaping at Christmas.

Can’t wait for her pithy judgement.