October 2021 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its late October 2021 now, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Picking up from previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4182916-March-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread?pg=39

Forerunning threads since December 2007 are linked on the previous threads if you want to click back and have a look.

This thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Happy Christmas to you all. Two months no contact with any of my ' family '
But having a lovely Christmas just us.
But it hurts like a dagger in my heart. But I can't back down. I am so tired of the manipulation and scapegoating. The drama. The triangulation dm does with my siblings. My father calling me a bitch and mental (simply because I choose to peaceful life)

Keep strong

@Pegasussnail keep away from anything that causes you pain. I’m so glad you are with people who love you. Have a lovely Xmas.

You have a lovely Christmas too.
I got a few elbows in my face from the dc when they woke at 3am and crawled into bed with us. Drinking a nice mug of tea and watching The Snowman

Managed to have an argument with DM this morning. I'm so done with all the narc drama by this point in my life. I find myself engaging still, but just had enough of it. Merry Christmas to you all. This thread is so helpful even just knowing others are in a similar boat xxx

Am not OK. I'm waiting for some alcohol delivery.. I got enough to last me for two days but they have taken over half. My sister is here and she scares the shit out of me

Hi all, I’ve been reading the stately home threads for years on and off and the advice has been invaluable for me on my journey. I wanted to post about a particular issue I’m having that I’m stuck on and can’t seem to figure a way out of.

Background: I’m the eldest child in a large family and my father is a horrible man, he has major narcissistic traits and I suffered constant emotional and often times physical abuse from him for not towing the line (his line) as I was always the one to “fight” for everyone’s rights, he was horrible to all of us but I was the one who actually went head to head with him about it mist of the time, the others acknowledge their childhoods were shit but none seem to see it as bad as how I see it and they are still in regular contact with him in one way or another. The emotional/physical abuse was hideous and extremely damaging, I was the scapegoat of the family and have been no contact with him for the last few years after many many years of contemplation/therapy/self work and trying with him. I just could not do any more.

The issue now is my mother. During my childhood she was never an “active” enabler but when I think about it she never actually protected me either. My father abused her a lot too and I’d be the one to fight him on her behalf and I sort of fell into the role of being her “protector”.

She’d always be trying to give me the “truth” about my father, about how horrible he was and not to trust him, and how she was going to leave him. I felt like we were a team because she was giving me the truth and “trying” to look out for me. I’d end up being dragged into their arguments, and my father loathed me because he thought I was “my mother’s child” (because I protected her, if that makes).

She would encourage me in my education and career so I could have my own money and not end up like her, relying on an abusive husband. She’d say stuff like “your fathers scared of you” and would praise me for being a fighter, but would also tell me to stay out of the arguments between her and him as it would only invoke his ire. The messages were confusing. She never actually shielded me from any of the abuse though as she remained in that house until the day I left home even though we’d always make plans about how we’d leave, and it would be a cycle of me psyching her up and giving her motivation to leave, only to be disappointed when it wouldn’t be followed through.

I’ve left home for almost a decade now, and most of my siblings have also left bar one who remains who has yet to start university. She always said she’d leave and that the thing stopping her was the children as she didn’t feel financially independent enough to look after us and pay for us on her own.

Now almost a decade after I’ve left home things don’t seem to have progressed much. She still lives with my father and my youngest sibling. Despite myself and my siblings being dragged into their horrendous arguments through out my childhood it appears she’s on good enough terms with him to attend his nephews wedding, when all my life she told me she hated my fathers family. (Don’t get me wrong they still have massive arguments, but the messages are confusing). When questioned about the wedding she states she was just curious and fancied a change. There have been so many times where it looked like my parents were finally separating (we’d all be dragged into these affairs but for the past few years I’d been putting my foot down and not getting involved as I was sick of it) but not a single one of them appeared to have actually been followed through.

The issue is that now that I’ve been no contact with my father for a few years and have been trying to maintain a relationship without my father being in the picture. It’s been difficult and I still don’t think anyone understand how bad it was for me, but for now we’ve resorted to not talking about my father to maintain our relationships.

Thing is she’s often “passing on” messages about how my father has said he misses me, or jsut wants to speak to me, or was asking about me, or was in hospital recently and just wants to talk to his daughter. I’ve told my mother in no uncertain terms that I do not wish to hear from him, and she is not to pass on any details. But she will say things like “parents love their children” and “he just wants to speak to you, he’s sick” etc.

I’m absolutely sick to the back teeth of her. I feel obligated to maintain a relationship with her because she will put herself out massively for us, constantly breaking her back to make us food parcels, or helping us out financially, or waiting on us on hand and foot when she comes to visit. But she doesn’t pull her emotional weight where it counts despite having explained it to her. I massively resent her for my childhood, for not protecting me. I’m short with her because I’ve been losing respect for her for a while for saying things and not following through, for constantly flip flopping and not putting boundaries in place in her life.

She infuriates me because she won’t respect my boundary which I’ve stated clearly to her so many times: “I do not want to hear about what my father is saying, I am not interested in speaking to him at all, if you are to maintain a relationship with me I do not want information about me passed on to him” but she keeps pushing, it doesn’t appear to be going though and I feel the there are too many straws and the camels back is breaking. I resent her passing on dads messages as I feel minimises my feelings and the horrendous mental torture I suffered at his hands, but she just doesn’t seem to get it. I feel bad about minimising contact with her because she’s constantly telling us that her children are her world and the thing that keeps her going, and the things that give her strength. But I just massively resent her right now and it doesn’t seem to be changing despite me explaining all the above and why I’m snappy and short with her.

There is so much more but this has been very long already and thank you for reading of you have made it this far! any words of wisdom would be deeply appreciated, thank you

tararara1876

I've got no real advice but your post really resonated with me. I feel like our upbringing was really similar. And really traumatic so well done for going NC with your father, he does not deserve you.

I've gone LC these past few months and whilst my father doesn't pass on any messages, I don't even think he notices he's not seen me but honestly, the amount of times my mum mentions him is unreal. It drives me mad dad this, dad that, i feel like screaming, i don't give a fuck, don't mention him to me!! She also never acknowledges the way he treated me and then acts like they're loves young fucking dream when I know he's still the horrible twat he's always been.

I am going to have a word with my mum in the NY and ask het to stop talking about him to me. I don't think it will go down well but I'm past caring.

I've also got my brother staying with my for Christmas. He was invited last year but it wasn't a great experience so I did not invite him but felt obligated to invite him, as he lives in a homeless shelter, after being kicked out of his accommodation last year due to taking his rent money and pissing up the wall. He's now been kicked out of the homeless shelter, he was pissed up left his door open and his tablet got stolen.

He must have been through this exact same situation about 10 times in his life (he's 35) you'd probably class him as being vulnerable and defo has alcohol issues, which he won't admit too.

I feel for him cos he was the 3rd child, my mum was 8 months pregnant with him when her dad killed himself, that must have been so traumatic and I'm sure it must have passed onto him. He also endured the same shit childhood I did. He was called names & picked on so I get that he's got low self esteem etc etc. However, when I was talking to him last night, I asked him how he feels, whether he feels guilty for putting himself, me & my sister in this situation and he absolutely does not think it's down to him!!!

I was gobsmacked, if it was me I would be so ashamed that I'd be determined to sort my fucking life out and not behave like this again again and again. He got really angry with me and tried to jump out of the car (WTAF). I told him he needs to own his shit and take responsibility for his mistakes. But he does not and will not acknowledge this is on him.

He was at mine last year cos I felt sorry for him but it wasn't the most enjoyable Christmas for me & DP. I'll be pleasant to him whilst he's at mine but after this I am done. He has no self awareness and is quite an odd character. I would not choose to spend time with him if he wasn't my brother.

My father can't stand him and will not even have in the garden so he can't go to their house and it infuriates me cos I see it as being totally on them as well. My mum is still choosing her husband over her kids and it's left on me & my sister to pick up the pieces and not see him on the street.

I'm lucky that I don't live with DP so it's my house but also he's just the best and will support me and make sure we still have a good Christmas.

Sorry, that was a massive rant but I needed to get it off my chest. Since this kicked off earlier this week, I've had terrible IBS and I'm not letting my family have that effect on me.

[Flowers] to all and apologies if my post is rambling!

@Pegasussnail sounds perfect apart from 3am!

@CecileDeRetour I’m sorry to hear this. You need a plan for 2022 that gets you out of this toxicity. You will keep drinking as it soothes you, but don’t wreck your health because of this awful situation.

@Tararara1876 hugs to you. It’s really hard to persuade someone to not behave like this. They are tone deaf.

@StrawberryFizz26 awful for you. I’m sorry you’ve had the Xmas you didn’t want, but I’m glad you are with DP.

Tararara1876

Your mother gets what she wants out of the dysfunctional and codependent relationship she has with your father and in a straight fight she will choose him over you. I would seriously lower all contact levels with her down to zero sum.

Re your comment:-
" feel obligated to maintain a relationship with her because she will put herself out massively for us, constantly breaking her back to make us food parcels, or helping us out financially, or waiting on us on hand and foot when she comes to visit".

All part of the plan and control I am sorry to say; she is making you feel further obligated to her by doing this. They have both trained you well to put their needs first with your own dead last. You're an adult in your own right and with agency; do you really need such a level of assistance?. I would actually think not.

"But she doesn’t pull her emotional weight where it counts despite having explained it to her".

Precisely, she was not a good parent to you when you were growing up either. She has indeed failed abjectly to protect your own self from the excesses of your dad's behaviours. She is his willing enabler along with being his secondary abuser because she cannot really be relied upon either. I would think her own childhood was an abusive one but that is no excuse or justification for throwing you under the bus as she has done to save her own skin.

Let her go along with any and all residual hope of yours that she will change and/or will somehow leave her H. She won't.

Jesus H Christ.

I’m exhausted. Possibly the most vile The Hag has been since…well, ever.

She arrived yesterday at 11.45am to mummy monkeys.

Mr Monkey went into her lair to carry her bags and was horrible to him, picking a fight before the drive back her.

Hag played the vulnerable old lady game with me.
Hag: I think this will be my last Christmas.
Hopefully. And it’s certainly your last Xmas here at mummy monkey’s chilled house.

I feed her sherry so she’s tranquillised. Lunch isn’t too bad as she’s blunted by Croft Original. She’s then whining about the grandchildren not ringing her.

She tries to give me her Christmas presents that people have chosen for her which will end up like the rest in her spare room.

She then decides that she’s going to sleep on the sofa rather than the spare room at her usual 7pm bedtime which means we can’t sit in the living room, stuff ourselves with chocolate and chill out so we sit in the dining room.

Before she goes to bed - insisting that we undress her WHICH SHE DOESN’T NEED HER CARERS TO DO - she has a moment of peak drama where she pretends she can’t stand and falls to the floor on her knees. It’s not genuine at all.

MM, Mummy Monkey and I drink an absolute ton and fall into bed EXHAUSTED.

At 6am she’s piteously wining at the bottom of the stairs for Mr Monkey to turn the TV on for her. Mum has a TV like NASA control which he couldn’t work out so he sticks on BBC 1 which has a Monty Don gardening programme on. Hag is aggressive and generally hideous. It continues.

You don’t want me. You just want to send me packing.

And on, and on, and ON.

Mummy Monkey brings the planned for 1pm Boxing Day lunch to a 11.30am brunch at my suggestion. She’s horrible to Mr Monkey to such an extent that my mum tells her to shut up and behave herself.

Then we’re putting on our shoes to go and she says

You won’t invite me again.

Silence. I think this remark was supposed to elicit

God, we can’t imagine Xmas Day without you.

We drive her back in silence. She enquires when we will be leaving Mummy Monkey Towers. 3 January is greeting with an envious sniff.

She’s back in her lair now.

Monday will be the announcement by Boris and Mr Monkey says he doesn’t want us to bubble with her and she can be handed over to Slave Son to deal with.

Next Xmas we’re doing a £20 Beefeater Xmas lunch - keep it cheap so it’s not an over investment of money for two hours of misery - with Hag and then hotfooting it back to Mummy Monkeys.

I’m actually shaky from stress and Mr Monkey is exhausted. And the witch had given me her cold.

Oh, and Mummy Monkey said that she’s surprised that Mr Monkey has anything at all to do with his mother.

This is NOT the kind of thing Mummy Monkey says.

monkeyfrommanchester

She sounds absolutely fucking vile. I'm sorry you have someone so disgusting in your life.

I'm so glad you've got MM & Mmummy.

Do you have to spend next Christmas with her? Could you visit on Christmas Eve instead?

I felt stressed reading your post. I hope you can breathe now and enjoy the rest of your Christmas. [Flowers] for you.

@StrawberryFizz26 thank you. Xxx

I’ve got into bed as still feeling shaken.

I think at best for the Hag next year it will be a two hour Christmas lunch in a Beefeater in Manchester. We’ll have Mummy Monkey at ours on Xmas Eve so she’s not on her own. Eat lunch in a Beefeater near ours - got researching it in the car on the way back this afternoon! - and then head to Mummy Monkeys for a week.

Hag has NO self-awareness. She took her fucking bra off at the dining table during lunch!!!!

Mr Monkey has just confirmed his earlier that if bubbling returns we will not be bubbling with her. Over to Slave Son.

She took her bra off???!! WTAF!!

I've followed a few of your posts before but haven't been here since the beginning. Do you mind me asking why MM doesn't go NC?
It sounds like you both want to?

I'm giggling away at Cuckoo. It's really funny, if you feel up to watching anything that is.

What are you doing for rest of the time with your Mum? I'm sure it will be lovely.

@StrawberryFizz26 I know!!!

I think it’s a feeling of obligation with MM. But over the time I’ve known him he’s so much better in stepping away. I would go NC with her at the drop of a hat. My mum asked the same question.

In 2022, I intend to carry on the not seeing her beyond the basics (her birthday in March).

I will check out that telly programme. Need a laugh.

Here at mum’s til 3 January. She lives in a little village so it’ll be walks and lashings of wine. She has a disabled friend who she looks after so she’s coming for dinner one evening. The contrast of this woman with The Hag is incredible.

Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it. Xxx

Just remembered my mum’s joke yesterday. We were playing a word game which was find a word of 10 letters. She picked narcissist. Over the Hag’s head obviously.

Wow @MonkeyfromManchester taking her bra off at the dinner table in your mums house is one seriously horrific party piece!!

And insisting on sleeping on the sofa… just inconvenience the whole house and wonder why no one wants you around!

I’m so sorry it was so shitty & upsetting. Pleased you can take refuge at your mums for a while, you’ll need the sanctuary.

Notmymother was on similarly unpleasant form yesterday, she stayed for 9 hours. Poked, criticised and argued for the duration. MrNot went to his bed as he couldn’t stand to listen to it any longer. It’s exhausting.

These people insist on being so difficult and making people so uncomfortable yet expect to be welcomed and included! It’s bloody hard work.

I wish I could go NC with her… every interaction is like running a gauntlet. I sympathise with Mr Monkey here, it is so hard, I am better at stepping away but being literally the only person in her life puts load of pressure on. Christmas is the only day I spent anything more than an hour with her and she 100% milks the hell out of it.

Hope you can get some rest tonight!! Am going to hit bed early I think, I’m exhausted after 2 days of constant family interaction with the main performance being her overextended visit!

Lots of love & care to you all!

So I’m still here, still drinking, feeling generally awful. My mum had my sister in to talk me out of it. She said they were going to make some food but have not. They tried to get me into hospital I think on Christmas Day but I wouldn’t go, I don’t really need to.I’m in pain but have some codeine.I don’t know what to do. I’ve overdosed on codeine before and it didn’t work, I’ve overdosed on amitriptyline, I’ve hanged myself. Nothing sodding works. I can be drunk for a bit but always have to sober up. I can’t bear it.

Cecile

Being there plays into their hands because they see you as a drunk when you are far more than that. You drink to numb the pain they’ve inflicted on you.

You absolutely need to get out of there and away from these people. Can you not contact WA again, what happened to the refuge place you were promised?.

How can you be helped into ridding yourself of them once and for all. You need to learn to live again.

I would not take hag anywhere next Christmas, both of you need to stay away from her at this time of year and in fact any time of year. He would not put up with this from a friend.

All of this is easier for you to do as she is not your mother thankfully but Mr monkey remains somewhat conditioned and otherwise trained to serve her. He’s going to ultimately have to grieve for the relationship he should have had with her rather than the one he actually got. He should also consider therapy as a way of recovery from narcissistic abuse.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he absolutely wouldn’t put up with it from anyone else. The GC middle brother (twat) who’s nowhere to be seen is now seen for what he is - cut from the same cloth Narc bully. I think Mr Monkey is the only normal one out of the lot of them.

He grieves the relationship now. It’s awful. He does need therapy and because of his job can get three months paid for. I think he’s very scared of what it will bring up. I adore him and I want him to be happy, for 85% of the time he is. The thing that brings him down is the Hag.

You’re right about Xmas 2022.

@Notmenottoday I have NO idea why the toxics are so miserable. Let’s face it, the only time they are happy is being horrible to people. Nine hours!!!!!!! You get less for murder. I’m glad that you’ve stepped away and limit her to an hour long dose.

In bed reading Miriam Margoyles autobiography which is a joy. I hope you have a good sleep, too.
Xxx

@AttilaTheMeerkat to be fair I am a drunk, I don't want to justify myself or varnish it. I've only been drinking for about 2.5 years and I went straight from nought to blackout. My aunt is the same, except she seems to be able to maintain a slightly higher level of function - I really do just pass out and she walks around and does stuff. I am an alcoholic to the extent that I withdraw after three days of drinking. I've just come back from a 12-step based hospital and their constant mantra was "the problem is you" and you aren't supposed to justify or excuse yourself. I mentioned that my mum had been physically violent to me - my dad has too but it was just the once - and they said it was understandable as I'd been drinking. I really promise I don't hurt anyone if they leave me alone. I think I've blocked my doorway with my body before and they count it as physical abuse but I wouldn't ever hurt anyone. My trauma response is freeze, not fight, and they are bigger than me and there are three of them at the moment. The refuge space was available for a couple of days, the hospital didn't want to discharge me back here but there's not a huge amount they can do really. I spoke to the safeguarding team and they said they would send me a text, which they did. Doesn't help a huge amount on the ground. I am in a lot of pain and missing the morphine - got some codeine from the hospital but it's barely taking the edge off. Even my psychiatric consultant came out with my dad's line about I haven't got any better when I've been away. It's because I've got severe PTSD. I was having nightmares in hospital, where I feel relatively safe, about family members coming to get me, they had the quality of hallucinations. The thing is my family are right, I am really quite sick and it's a miracle I'm still alive honestly, I've tried enough times to end it and I've had two ITU visits, two resuscitations, and a collapsed lung this year. I have realised recently I only feel safe in hospital and even then I'm jumping out of my skin every other minute. I have a couple of people who know me and who are on my side but they are over text. Even my paternal grandmother, who is not a little controlling and intrusive (she came into the room and touched me when I was naked, I was having a hypo and it makes you overheated and sweaty) can see what is going on. I know you're all strangers on the internet but you are all so much braver than I am. I had enough courage to walk about with a broken rib for two weeks then I broke another rib and lay there with a collapsed lung for 24 hours but I was drunk. Took a cocodamol and a bottle of wine. When I came to I was absolutely terrified and in so much pain, and my dad came in to tell me I was a burden on the NHS, which I know, I've probably spent a third of the year in hospital. I shouldn't even write any buts but they treat me like I'm a sick person. I've never been awful to a hospital person, even when they took over an hour to get an arterial line in, which is conventionally quite painful. I'm not a general waste of space, I didn't even really like Entonox and Ketamine is so scary. They had to give me a different tranquiliser because I was so terrified by it! I waste so much of their time and they still treat me. I spoke to the NDA helpline when I was in and they said my parents sound like typical perpetrators. We actually used the medium of the Archers because the first time I realised something was up was when I realised all the stuff police employees may not say were conversational tactics for my mother and the second time was when Rob started saying, verbatim, the stuff she would say to me. It went to the lengths that she would use my eating disorder against me.I didn't even realise it was abuse. My sister sent an email to hospital saying I had caused her eating disorder and I spent two years pleading with anyone and everyone who would listen to pay attention, that she was sick, she needed care. I am in tears writing this. I couldn't see as I was unwell too but she was so tiny, she was starving, I was too but my parents just said to set a good example. I started with bulimia because I was trying to be good and please people. My sister, naturally, is disgusted. I'm so scared she will get like that again because of me.
Right so I'm cold and in the dark just now and I've got some alcohol so I'm on the way down. I'm really honestly frightened. I am going to pass out but I'm scared of what will happen when I'm out. I miss my boyfriends. They promised to get me out and one of them passed out and left me in the street and one ghosted me three times. I'm pretty fucked up but I'm obedient. Covered in scars but I'm not that that bad looking. Someone in hospital even said I should get a boyfriend to escape and I wish it were that simple. The last time I encountered a man he raped me (then my mum laughed and then she said never talk about it again). I'm sorry for so many words. I'm scared this will be the last thing I write but I don't think I have enough drugs to actually stop it, so this is probably my normal drama.

Jesus Christ holy block of text. I'm so sorry. I needed to say it.

@CecileDeRetour honey, you are in so much pain. You absolutely MUST get in touch with some professionals and get help.

Your family is so damaged - TWO children with eating disorders says a lot - and damaging. I don’t think you will be able to stop drinking without taking yourself out of the situation you are in.

12 step can be useful, but the emphasis on the person rather than the situation that triggers alcohol abuse is very unhelpful.

Find some professionals to help you. You need 2022 to be a new chapter in your life. Take care. Xxx