Am I being precious?!

[AnimalFeets]

Not sure whether I’m being a bit precious or whether my other half is a little bit self centred!

Together two years (a lot was in lockdown). This year we planned to have a proper holiday away together. Talked about it, I’d suggested Portugal as it was easier a few months back to go there. He said in principal that was fine but he wanted to go after school holiday. Fine, understood. (This isn’t financial as we both have money and in fact I had offered to pay anyway as a treat following a bonus. Regardless, he earns more and has money).

It got to summer and I sent him some suggested hotels/flights. He said looked good but needed to check time off. Long story short, he ends up saying he can’t take a week. I then say ok let’s do a long weekend. He says ok, he will book a Monday off and let me know the date. It’s now nearly November and despite asking him intermittently whether he’s booked it off, he’s not been forthcoming at all. I’ve even said outright just tell me if you don’t want to do it and I will go with friends. He’s then started saying things like I am far more into holidays than him and that I always want things to happen my way I have quite literally said to him choose the place and the dates and I’m happy with where ever as a change of scenery, but I would like to go away as a couple.

Am I being unfair to be annoyed about this? We’ve been together a while now and I have friends who have been away with partners after a few months even!

A close friend has said if you love him then just leave it. That it’s not the end of the world. I do get that, I don’t want to throw away a relationship over 3 nights abroad. But it’s starting to feel like he just has no respect for me in how he’s dealt with this.

Am I being a dick?!

No you're not being a dick, he is!

I don't think so.

He doesn't seem to want to go, not sure why. He's projected that you like things your own way but he is controlling when you go by not booking holiday.

Go without him or with a friend.

Be assertive and pin him down / set a deadline for him to at least give you dates and book time off

I’m annoyed as now it’s a bit late in bloody November to be booking a trip. It’s just gone on and on and I’ve been patient, then when I raised it this afternoon and said it’s nearly November, this isn’t fair, he just went really moody and sulky and said i have to have things my way. That made the conversation escalate and I’m now sat in Tesco car park feeling fed up!

He's being a dick and stringing you along. Book a holiday and go with your friends. Sod him.

You’re not being a dick, OP, but he clearly doesn’t want to go. I think you need an honest conversation about why that is. Maybe it’s something as simple as he has loads of work to do and can’t really afford time off.

No, you're not being at all precious. Some people often men, in my experience just don't want to go anywhere, ever, and panic at committing to even a few days away. Work is an alibi for these people, and they often work in a sloppy, time-consuming way, rather than working hard and concentratedly and doing the same amount in fewer hours. It suits them to claim they are 'too busy'.

Beware the man who claims he is completely unable to take a week off with six months' notice, and then starts getting ratty about booking a Monday off at a time of his own choosing.

Firstly, don't pay for him when he earns more than you, that would be really unfair. Secondly, it does sound really annoying unless he's maybe scared of flying or just has an issue going abroad at the moment? Would he commit to some UK holidays?

You're not being precious. Are you the same poster who was being told they're being controlling etc who posted the other week about wanting a few days away in the UK?

It doesn't matter if you're more into holidays than he is. If he didn't want to go he could've said so rather than wasting a year waiting for him.

@BurbageBrook as a last resort earlier I said well could we do a coast bed and breakfast in the uk for a fri and sat night, so it’s just half a day off on Friday for him. He said ‘yes but not sure when.’

I feel really pissed off.

@girlmom21

You're not being precious. Are you the same poster who was being told they're being controlling etc who posted the other week about wanting a few days away in the UK?

It doesn't matter if you're more into holidays than he is. If he didn't want to go he could've said so rather than wasting a year waiting for him.

@girlmom21 no I wasn’t the same poster but I’d love to chat to that OP!!! I’m finding this very isolating as my friends have met partner since I met this guy and they’ve had plenty of hols! I just wanted a few nights away.

Why didn't you book the holiday with friends who want to to go with you?

Why does someone whose made clear they don't want to go, get your heads pace and time?

In prioritising, waiting for, hoping to change someone, instead of living your life with people who want to do fun things with you, you are being silly.

But that is easily fixed!

Don't say if you don't x y,z ill go with friends...just go with friends, or alone. Live your life!

@Yummypumpkin good point. I was hoping we’d have time off as a couple. I know better for next time!

In that case OP this sounds really frustrating. Do you live together or are talking about living together yet? Wondering if he’s a commitment phobe.

@AnimalFeets I think she dumped him but the situation is almost exactly the same. She'd been mentioning it for months and he'd promised to book time off and never did. Then he told her she wanted everything on her terms and was being controlling...

What's wrong with these people?!

Book a holiday with your friends, or even alone.

I know what Yummy means but at the same time it’s completely normal to want to go away with a partner and would be very dispiriting to be told no continually.

I think you have to bear in mind that a lot of the time you have spent with him has been in lockdown so his generalised twattishness has not come to light sooner. He sounds really horrible. I couldn't be arsed personally.

Perhaps he can’t afford a holiday but can’t tell you

@BurbageBrook

In that case OP this sounds really frustrating. Do you live together or are talking about living together yet? Wondering if he’s a commitment phobe.

@BurbageBrook don’t officially live together but I can’t remember the last night we slept in different beds!

He doesn’t talk about the future really, no. I have done and he will go along with it but after this holiday drama I’m not sure I trust anything he says.

[quote girlmom21]@AnimalFeets I think she dumped him but the situation is almost exactly the same. She'd been mentioning it for months and he'd promised to book time off and never did. Then he told her she wanted everything on her terms and was being controlling...

What's wrong with these people?!

Book a holiday with your friends, or even alone. [/quote]
@girlmom21 :( I think I might be headed that way. I think he’s being so selfish.

@NeverAnyMilk

Perhaps he can’t afford a holiday but can’t tell you

@NeverAnyMilk 100% isn’t that

You live and learn. Somehow people who make us feel we are lucky to get their time, get us putting in more effort and believing it!

If he wants to spend his life working, let him be miserable on his own.

Booking a Monday off as if it were some kind of favour...guy will look back and regret this.

But don't you look back !

@TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius

I think you have to bear in mind that a lot of the time you have spent with him has been in lockdown so his generalised twattishness has not come to light sooner. He sounds really horrible. I couldn't be arsed personally.

@TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius a friend said this. I thought it meant we were really good together as we get on well day to day with mundane things. I’m just pissed off he’s said I want my own way over a holiday I essentially asked him to say where HE’D like to go. I have a similar job to him and it’s as if that doesn’t even come up - my holiday and organisation for it seems nothing in comparison to the drama he seems to have.

Hmm. Comparing it to my own relationship, we’ve been together two years and have done two (UK) holidays and tried to do an abroad one but got cancelled due to pandemic. Also have done a lot of weekends away after the lockdowns. Even though my partner has a bit less energy than I do, and isn’t the type to surprise me with romantic weekends, but he’ll always go along with suggestions and my plans… and we’re talking about marriage, kids, etc. I’m not sure how old you are but if you’re anything like me (early 30s) I’d be looking for more from him. It sounds very frustrating.

@Yummypumpkin

You live and learn. Somehow people who make us feel we are lucky to get their time, get us putting in more effort and believing it!

If he wants to spend his life working, let him be miserable on his own.

Booking a Monday off as if it were some kind of favour...guy will look back and regret this.

But don't you look back !

@Yummypumpkin I’m not sure he will regret it you know…he’s late 30s!Maybe this is just him. I find it selfish. Two fucking nights and he’s too busy for me after all this time. I’m getting more annoyed not less.

You've said it can be anytime he wants
You've said it can be anywhere he wants
You've said you'll pay for it (even though he earns more and has money)

OP - he isn't in this as much as you are.

Best case scenario he's such a coward he doesn't want to just say he doesn't fancy a holiday.

More likely, he doesn't want to further commit to you and sees a holiday as doing so. I had an ex like that. A few things he seemed to randomly see as progressing a relationship and being stressful when with the right person, they are just easy and natural - meeting family, going on holiday etc.

Do you hand on heart feel like equals in this relationship? Or if you're honest, do you feel like if you didn't keep making so much effort and trying to please him... it would probably fizzle out?