Am I being precious?!

[AnimalFeets]

Not sure whether I’m being a bit precious or whether my other half is a little bit self centred!

Together two years (a lot was in lockdown). This year we planned to have a proper holiday away together. Talked about it, I’d suggested Portugal as it was easier a few months back to go there. He said in principal that was fine but he wanted to go after school holiday. Fine, understood. (This isn’t financial as we both have money and in fact I had offered to pay anyway as a treat following a bonus. Regardless, he earns more and has money).

It got to summer and I sent him some suggested hotels/flights. He said looked good but needed to check time off. Long story short, he ends up saying he can’t take a week. I then say ok let’s do a long weekend. He says ok, he will book a Monday off and let me know the date. It’s now nearly November and despite asking him intermittently whether he’s booked it off, he’s not been forthcoming at all. I’ve even said outright just tell me if you don’t want to do it and I will go with friends. He’s then started saying things like I am far more into holidays than him and that I always want things to happen my way I have quite literally said to him choose the place and the dates and I’m happy with where ever as a change of scenery, but I would like to go away as a couple.

Am I being unfair to be annoyed about this? We’ve been together a while now and I have friends who have been away with partners after a few months even!

A close friend has said if you love him then just leave it. That it’s not the end of the world. I do get that, I don’t want to throw away a relationship over 3 nights abroad. But it’s starting to feel like he just has no respect for me in how he’s dealt with this.

Am I being a dick?!

[quote Cranncat]@AnimalFeets, what you say about having a similar job to him, but you’re able to commit to taking occasional time off and he ‘just can’t’, is reminding me strongly of a friend of mine, a former colleague — we had exactly the same job at the same level of seniority, only I did the job in three 9 to 5 office days and two shorter days WFH that allowed me to do school pickup and spend time with DS, but the same exact job took him five 8 till 7 days and at least one day if not two working through at the weekend.

I’ve told this on here before, but when I eventually met his wife, I realised she thought the job actually required seven long days a week working, and that he was genuinely too busy and important to look after their children or do anything around the house, far less take holidays. Every year he said he couldn’t use his annual leave. They’re now divorced. I think her realising that it was possible to do his job by working normal office hours, while doing childcare and taking holidays etc probably contributed.[/quote]
That’s interesting @Cranncat ! I’ve often done the odd hour here and there very early so I was ready for dinner etc. He seems to do as he pleases largely. I think there’s a deeper rooted thing here in that he’s never been with anyone longer than a few months. I’m not sure he likes thinking of things in a partnership context. I feel rubbish but also excited about girlie trip !!

I apologise if I'm off the mark here, but, have you done other couple things? Have you met his family, stayed over at his house? The not wanting to commit to dates to go away and nagging at you that it's your fault for pushing for an answer put me in mind of someone who maybe has other reasons for not being able to go away. Like a wife. Apologies if I'm way off.

@LadyFlumpalot

I apologise if I'm off the mark here, but, have you done other couple things? Have you met his family, stayed over at his house? The not wanting to commit to dates to go away and nagging at you that it's your fault for pushing for an answer put me in mind of someone who maybe has other reasons for not being able to go away. Like a wife. Apologies if I'm way off.

@LadyFlumpalot he’s very open about his home and I’m there often. It’s just the holiday thing and general planning thing I find hard. He’s in a horrible mood now. Feel like I’m not allowed to say anything!!

So I lived with someone who was very clever. Whenever I came to her with my feelings it would be turned around against me. Took 10 years to realise this.

This is what he's doing. You have a legitimate issue and he makes you feel like you're the problem.

Tell him no, it's not that I want things my way. I'm asking you to give me a date and time that suits you so I can book a holiday.

Watch out for this behaviour.

If he's now in a horrible mood because you've finally booked a holiday for yourself after being pissed around by him, I'd call it a day tbh.

That really is adding insult to injury and would be the final straw for me.

@MadMadMadamMim

If he's now in a horrible mood because you've finally booked a holiday for yourself after being pissed around by him, I'd call it a day tbh.

That really is adding insult to injury and would be the final straw for me.

@MadMadMadamMim he doesn’t know I’ve booked the weekend away. He’s sulking because I’ve raised this in an ‘aggressive way’ apparently.

Barely spoke to me last night, one word answers. You’d think I’d asked him to gouge his eyes out or something.

Some people are home birds and just don't like or want to go on holidays.

You say anytime, anywhere and you will pay you are complelty backing him into a corner to do something he doesn't want to do with no option of no.

You want a holiday You are pissed off your friends have been away and you haven't.
Not once have you mentioned what he wants to do

You’d think I’d asked him to gouge his eyes out or something.

Quite, it's all a bit odd. Perhaps there is a back story to why he doesn't like holidays but he's not being honest about that. I'd be annoyed that he kept making the right noises and then didn't follow through. If he doesn't want to go on holiday he needs to be straight with you about it. He is being selfish and dishonest, I wouldn't consider either of those traits desirable in a long term partner.

I'm thrilled you've booked something!

I'm bored of him already and I only heard of him yesterday.

He is in for a shock!

Well done. Have a wonderful holiday.

He's making you feel bad when hrs in the wrong. ditch asap, you deserve better.

@rwalker

Some people are home birds and just don't like or want to go on holidays.

You say anytime, anywhere and you will pay you are complelty backing him into a corner to do something he doesn't want to do with no option of no.

You want a holiday You are pissed off your friends have been away and you haven't.
Not once have you mentioned what he wants to do

@rwalker he said consistently that he wanted to go and in may (!) said that this place I had found looked great but could we go after school holidays. He’s then ‘tried’ to book a day off ever since

It’s also not exactly much to ask that he commits to a long weekend together purely because his partner would like to go. I’m not asking him to move overseas with me or to spend a week with my family. It’s a pretty basic thing.

Sounds more like he's scared to so no . The guy clearly doesn't want to go .

@FOJN

You’d think I’d asked him to gouge his eyes out or something.

Quite, it's all a bit odd. Perhaps there is a back story to why he doesn't like holidays but he's not being honest about that. I'd be annoyed that he kept making the right noises and then didn't follow through. If he doesn't want to go on holiday he needs to be straight with you about it. He is being selfish and dishonest, I wouldn't consider either of those traits desirable in a long term partner.

@FOJN I did ask months ago if he just didn’t want to go. He was very eager to tell me that yes of course he did

I think he does want to go but can’t , for whatever reason, get into a position to book it off. It’s hard to understand as his colleagues work hard but also have annual leave.

His reaction to my upset and frustration yesterday has shocked me a bit. I was pissed off and said it was all weird and he didn’t know how to prioritise a relationship etc etc. I was pretty brutal. But him going silent and barely speaking now feels cruel. I’ve apologised for being angry and upset and said I just wanted to understand why we are not important enough for him to prioritise this. He just says we are important and he doesn’t know when he can sort it. So no real answer. Again.

@rwalker

Sounds more like he's scared to so no . The guy clearly doesn't want to go .

@rwalker I’ve asked him calmly about it months ago. He’s never said he doesn’t want to.

@Yummypumpkin

I'm thrilled you've booked something!

I'm bored of him already and I only heard of him yesterday.

He is in for a shock!

Well done. Have a wonderful holiday.

Thanks @Yummypumpkin I’m not sure why he’s behaved in this way but it feels like very very hard work.

In a more desperate moment I even said let’s do one night, on a Saturday, one weekend. He’s not even said much about that suggestion. He doesn’t care about this and I think I need to accept he’s very wrapped up in himself. Turning on me like this is so odd. He got out of bed just now and brushed me off when I tried to kiss him very very hard work

One final thought, maybe it’s nothing to do with your relationship, maybe he is genuinely scared of taking time off work.

People embezzling work funds often only get found out when they go on leave. Melodramatic plot twist

To be blunt, OP, he’s just not that into you.

Maybe he doesn’t like holidays? Maybe he doesn’t fancy Portugal? But if he liked YOU, he would either do it because you want to, or he’d have an honest discussion about why you should go alone or with a friend instead. He certainty shouldn’t be calling you controlling. Get rid.

Holidays away are relationship milestones. I always left those to my husband. No good ever comes from chasing men. You’re pushing it because you’re more serious than him.
He’s not interested. You’re not the one. He should have the guts to say but he doesn’t so you should be doing yourself a favour and dumping him. It’s no good wasting any amount of time let alone two years arsing about with men who think you’re ok for now. He’s treating you as an option. At the very least here bootcamp him-pull back, go with a friend on holiday or on your own and stop being so available. See him once a week for the next three months, and once only for proper dates that he organises -not you.

I'm bored of him already and I only heard of him yesterday

Well done OP. My STBX was like this except that sometimes he did reluctantly agree and then work ‘emergency’ happened to prevent at the last minute.
Would definitely walk from this x

@FatCatThinCat

He's being a dick and stringing you along. Book a holiday and go with your friends. Sod him.

Excellent advice.

Some people just aren't into holidays or travel. I spent years pestering DH to go somewhere, anywhere that wasn't his country of origin or his brothers home in the US. Eventually I gave up and now travel the world without him.

I'm so pleased you've booked something with your friend. He is incredibly selfish. I'm amazed that he says YOU want it all your way, when he's the one who's got his own way and left you diappointed!!

If he doesn't want to go away then he owes it to you to be honest (and should have done that months ago rather than lie and strong you along, missing you the summer holiday you wanted).

He is controlling you by future faking, then making you feel bad bu sulking when you call him out on it. Incredibly manipulative.

Enjoy your holiday with your friend. And I would seriously rethink yuor relationship with him. He doesn't appear to care that he's lied and upset you, disappointed you, agreed to something he apparently had no intention of following through on. It's all about what he wants. I suspect you will find he's like this in many more ways if you stick with him.

And after this, if you talked about engagement, marriage, children - would you ever believe him?

Sorry about all the typos. Eating weetabix while typing

I’d pack my stuff up & go home op.

Or pack his stuff up & ask when he’s going home.

It’s been 6 months he’s been “trying” to book one day off for.

Can you imagine if your relationship does develop to children etc. You’d never get any help with childcare. Everything would be left to you. (shudders)

@Itsbeen84yearss

Holidays away are relationship milestones. I always left those to my husband. No good ever comes from chasing men. You’re pushing it because you’re more serious than him. He’s not interested. You’re not the one. He should have the guts to say but he doesn’t so you should be doing yourself a favour and dumping him. It’s no good wasting any amount of time let alone two years arsing about with men who think you’re ok for now. He’s treating you as an option. At the very least here bootcamp him-pull back, go with a friend on holiday or on your own and stop being so available. See him once a week for the next three months, and once only for proper dates that he organises -not you.

The OP is hardly ‘chasing’ her boyfriend of two years by asking him to take a single day off for a weekend away.

The silent treatment and sulking is so much worse than the holiday issue. What an absolute tosser. I hate that shit.