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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I being precious?!

104 replies

AnimalFeets · 28/10/2021 18:14

Not sure whether I’m being a bit precious or whether my other half is a little bit self centred!

Together two years (a lot was in lockdown). This year we planned to have a proper holiday away together. Talked about it, I’d suggested Portugal as it was easier a few months back to go there. He said in principal that was fine but he wanted to go after school holiday. Fine, understood. (This isn’t financial as we both have money and in fact I had offered to pay anyway as a treat following a bonus. Regardless, he earns more and has money).

It got to summer and I sent him some suggested hotels/flights. He said looked good but needed to check time off. Long story short, he ends up saying he can’t take a week. I then say ok let’s do a long weekend. He says ok, he will book a Monday off and let me know the date. It’s now nearly November and despite asking him intermittently whether he’s booked it off, he’s not been forthcoming at all. I’ve even said outright just tell me if you don’t want to do it and I will go with friends. He’s then started saying things like I am far more into holidays than him and that I always want things to happen my way I have quite literally said to him choose the place and the dates and I’m happy with where ever as a change of scenery, but I would like to go away as a couple.

Am I being unfair to be annoyed about this? We’ve been together a while now and I have friends who have been away with partners after a few months even!

A close friend has said if you love him then just leave it. That it’s not the end of the world. I do get that, I don’t want to throw away a relationship over 3 nights abroad. But it’s starting to feel like he just has no respect for me in how he’s dealt with this.

Am I being a dick?!

OP posts:

Original poster

AnimalFeets · 28/10/2021 18:41

@BurbageBrook

Hmm. Comparing it to my own relationship, we’ve been together two years and have done two (UK) holidays and tried to do an abroad one but got cancelled due to pandemic. Also have done a lot of weekends away after the lockdowns. Even though my partner has a bit less energy than I do, and isn’t the type to surprise me with romantic weekends, but he’ll always go along with suggestions and my plans… and we’re talking about marriage, kids, etc. I’m not sure how old you are but if you’re anything like me (early 30s) I’d be looking for more from him. It sounds very frustrating.

@BurbageBrook when you say weekends away do you mean staying somewhere? What you describe is how my previous relationships have been. He seems to think he’s too important to take even one day off for me.

OP posts:

BurbageBrook · 28/10/2021 18:41

It’s just not good enough at all.

BurbageBrook · 28/10/2021 18:42

Yeah I mean we’ve done weekends in Yorkshire, Derbyshire, the Cotswolds etc and taken a Monday or a Friday off. Your DP sounds like he has zero zest for life.

FamBae · 28/10/2021 18:42

Many years ago I dated a guy who had a phobia about travelling, hated trains, planes, boats and bridges, in fact he never traveled outside of his own county, we didn't last long.

mewkins · 28/10/2021 18:45

Does he like holidays normally and is it just holidays with you that he's trying to get out of? If you like holidays and he doesn't and this is important to you then I'd consider moving on.

Original poster

AnimalFeets · 28/10/2021 18:48

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You've said it can be anytime he wants You've said it can be anywhere he wants You've said you'll pay for it (even though he earns more and has money)

OP - he isn't in this as much as you are.

Best case scenario he's such a coward he doesn't want to just say he doesn't fancy a holiday.

More likely, he doesn't want to further commit to you and sees a holiday as doing so. I had an ex like that. A few things he seemed to randomly see as progressing a relationship and being stressful when with the right person, they are just easy and natural - meeting family, going on holiday etc.

Do you hand on heart feel like equals in this relationship? Or if you're honest, do you feel like if you didn't keep making so much effort and trying to please him... it would probably fizzle out?

@youvegottenminuteslynn I don’t know really. I always felt he wanted me and us. Looking back though he makes little effort. He will do nice things like buying food I like or chocolate or a book. But he’s not great at properly relaxing with me and making me feel we have a future. The holiday thing has just made me feel shit and like he doesn’t care how I feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnimalFeets · 28/10/2021 18:53

@mewkins

Does he like holidays normally and is it just holidays with you that he's trying to get out of? If you like holidays and he doesn't and this is important to you then I'd consider moving on.

@mewkins he’s travelled before yes. I get the impression he hasn’t in the last few years at all. It’s more that it would have meant a lot to me to have done this with him and he can’t be arsed to prioritise it.

Fuck him! I’m calling a girlfriend later and we are booking a spa weekend.

OP posts:

BurbageBrook · 28/10/2021 18:56

He sounds rubbish OP.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 28/10/2021 18:57

So he's generous with things that take little effort but when he actually has to DO something, he is a fail.

I have met a few people that buy their way through life. Their shallowness does often take time to be realised by others and to be fair you wouldn't have been looking for this particular unpleasant trait.

Find someone else. He has a piece missing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/10/2021 19:01

@TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius

So he's generous with things that take little effort but when he actually has to DO something, he is a fail.

Find someone else. He has a piece missing.

This.

Bottom line OP is that he isn't giving you what you need to make you happy.

You don't feel like a priority, you don't feel he is excited about your future together, you don't feel secure in being on the same page.

When you're in a healthy relationship where you are equally invested, those worries aren't there.

I wish I had realised that in my 20s instead of thinking if I loved someone enough / was nice / kind / generous enough then of course it would work out! That just isn't how it works. He can't feel what he doesn't feel.

Your expectations are perfectly normal. You just aren't compatible.

dworky · 28/10/2021 19:05

I would be pissed off enough to go alone.
You'll probably enjoy it more without him, he sounds very hard work.

fuckoffImcounting · 28/10/2021 19:08

This is probably him telling you who he is. If you stay with him he will never want a holiday or weekend break or to go anywhere even for the day. He may also be someone who cannot commit to having children. I would be thinking again about this relationship - it could get very dull.

Original poster

AnimalFeets · 28/10/2021 19:17

Yeah I am massively questioning the whole thing now to be honest. Fucking weird he can’t book one day off for us.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnimalFeets · 28/10/2021 19:17

I actually think he’s just very selfish.

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 28/10/2021 19:31

Actually, sorry but I've been with my partner 10 years and I don't like going away, and get a bit anxious about it. I didn't go abroad with him for probably about 5 years, and even so, can count on 2 hands how many times I've been since. Its just not my priority and to be honest, it's a bit of a ball ache having to pack, and sort stuff and work and yar Di yar. Its great when I'm there but I just put it off as much as I can

Do I love my partner? I'm absolutely devoted to him. It's no bearing on my feelings towards him. I just don't prioiritse going away

GenderAtheist · 28/10/2021 19:36

He doesn’t want to go away with you but he’s not willing to say so.

So he’s stringing you along. He’s either dishonest or has very communication skills.

Neither qualities are great in a life partner.

Kitty165 · 28/10/2021 19:45

He's definitely being a dick head. You shoukd go with your friends!!!!

Smashingspinster · 28/10/2021 19:53

If he was interested in making the relationship work he would be booking time off. He needs to make a bit of an effort here and cant be bothered - why would you invest any more time in him?

Original poster

AnimalFeets · 28/10/2021 19:55

Holiday booked, rather swiftly, with a friend.

Don’t think the relationship is going anywhere.

OP posts:

Booboobadoo · 28/10/2021 20:02

Moody and sulky when you want to discuss things that are important to you. Sounds like an unpleasant, immature man-baby.

Dery · 28/10/2021 20:32

“Holiday booked, rather swiftly, with a friend.

Don’t think the relationship is going anywhere.”

Good for you, OP. Have an amazing time and spoil yourself!

Original poster

AnimalFeets · 28/10/2021 20:34

@Dery

“Holiday booked, rather swiftly, with a friend.

Don’t think the relationship is going anywhere.”

Good for you, OP. Have an amazing time and spoil yourself!

@Dery I feel like shit but this thread has been a bit of a wake up call!

There really is no excuse for not taking one day off in this long.

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 28/10/2021 20:44

Well done, @AnimalFeets - at least you'll get your holiday.

Personally, having a 'special other' to go on holidays with, would be a really important part of bothering with a relationship with someone, so if a potential partner wasn't interested, it would be game over for me.

Not everyone feels the same, and if he is relaxed about you going away with friends, just doesn't want to go himself, and you're ok with that, it could work.

It'll be interesting to see how he reacts to you going away, though....

cakecakecheese · 28/10/2021 20:45

Yes! I'm so glad you've booked a trip.

He's being selfish but twisting it round to try to make you sound like the selfish one. That's a tad gaslighty really.

Cranncat · 28/10/2021 20:49

@AnimalFeets, what you say about having a similar job to him, but you’re able to commit to taking occasional time off and he ‘just can’t’, is reminding me strongly of a friend of mine, a former colleague — we had exactly the same job at the same level of seniority, only I did the job in three 9 to 5 office days and two shorter days WFH that allowed me to do school pickup and spend time with DS, but the same exact job took him five 8 till 7 days and at least one day if not two working through at the weekend.

I’ve told this on here before, but when I eventually met his wife, I realised she thought the job actually required seven long days a week working, and that he was genuinely too busy and important to look after their children or do anything around the house, far less take holidays. Every year he said he couldn’t use his annual leave. They’re now divorced. I think her realising that it was possible to do his job by working normal office hours, while doing childcare and taking holidays etc probably contributed.

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