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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being precious?!

104 replies

AnimalFeets · 28/10/2021 18:14

Not sure whether I’m being a bit precious or whether my other half is a little bit self centred!

Together two years (a lot was in lockdown). This year we planned to have a proper holiday away together. Talked about it, I’d suggested Portugal as it was easier a few months back to go there. He said in principal that was fine but he wanted to go after school holiday. Fine, understood. (This isn’t financial as we both have money and in fact I had offered to pay anyway as a treat following a bonus. Regardless, he earns more and has money).

It got to summer and I sent him some suggested hotels/flights. He said looked good but needed to check time off. Long story short, he ends up saying he can’t take a week. I then say ok let’s do a long weekend. He says ok, he will book a Monday off and let me know the date. It’s now nearly November and despite asking him intermittently whether he’s booked it off, he’s not been forthcoming at all. I’ve even said outright just tell me if you don’t want to do it and I will go with friends. He’s then started saying things like I am far more into holidays than him and that I always want things to happen my way I have quite literally said to him choose the place and the dates and I’m happy with where ever as a change of scenery, but I would like to go away as a couple.

Am I being unfair to be annoyed about this? We’ve been together a while now and I have friends who have been away with partners after a few months even!

A close friend has said if you love him then just leave it. That it’s not the end of the world. I do get that, I don’t want to throw away a relationship over 3 nights abroad. But it’s starting to feel like he just has no respect for me in how he’s dealt with this.

Am I being a dick?!

OP posts:

saleorbouy · 29/10/2021 10:33

If this is wrecking your head now are you sure it is a good idea to progress with the relationship?
You clearly have different ideas about holiday's, work and spending time together which will only clash and grate on you the longer you are together.
I'd think about ending it personally.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 29/10/2021 10:47

Not wanting to project but none of my relationships where the man has refused to commit to booking something have ended well.

That said, in those relationships we certainly weren't spending every night together. Have you met each other's friends and family?

1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 10:59

Whatever his reasons are....

This guy is behaving in a strange way and making it out as if you are the oddball.

Watch it!!!

Georgewontsleepnow · 29/10/2021 13:13

Well he is not a keeper! It sounds like you are committed, pro-active in this relationship and fulfilling his needs. And he buys nice chocolate occasionally. Says a few pleasantries that you want to hear about the future and travel, but is really not that committed to you or the relationship.
Goodbye!! You can leave this with dignity and self-respect. You can do better than this emotional, social and physical sponge. How draining and he sounds no fun.

altmember · 29/10/2021 13:21

I think the world being turned on its head the last two years has affected many people's mental health. The lockdowns seem to have created an agrophobic/social anxiety reaction in some people. Perhaps that's a factor for him?

Why does it have to be a holiday abroad? Would he be prepared to have a domestic holiday with you?

Rayna37 · 29/10/2021 13:35

This would be a deal breaker for me. I was happily single for most of my 20's and the only real down side was often having no-one to go on holiday with. It's literally what a partner is for! Not everyone has friends who have the same availability and budget to holiday with; I find people expect to spend their money and leave with their own partners primarily and traveling solo isn't everyone's thing.

That said I'm in no rush to jump through all the necessary hoops to go abroad right now but clearly this isn't about that if he won't even make a weekend in the UK happen.

Has he really taken no leave since you've been together?!

Get rid, I say.

Dery · 29/10/2021 13:43

"It’s also not exactly much to ask that he commits to a long weekend together purely because his partner would like to go. I’m not asking him to move overseas with me or to spend a week with my family. It’s a pretty basic thing."

Completely agree with you on this even if he is a homebody. He gets to be a homebody the rest of the time. But the fact that he's sulking and brushed you off when you went to kiss him - that's a huge red flag. Sounds like he didn't like you making your own plans without him but actually doing so was entirely healthy and he's having a really unhealthy reaction.

It's difficult, OP, but given the holiday thing + how he's now behaving, perhaps he's not a keeper? In any case, in your shoes, I wouldn't be hanging around if he's sulking and giving you the brush-off. Are you at his place or is he at yours? If you're at his, perhaps you could go home for a bit. If he's at yours, could you suggest that, if he wants to sulk, be hostile and give you the brush-off, he goes home for a bit as you're not prepared to be treated like that in your own home?

Dery · 29/10/2021 13:43

As someone else said on another MN thread: we teach people how to treat us.

Tillysfad · 29/10/2021 13:52

That's not acceptable behaviour. A punishing wet blanket.

Don't stay in this and become miserable.

Original poster

AnimalFeets · 29/10/2021 15:27

Thanks.

He’s not annoyed I’ve booked anything with a friend, I’ve not told him that yet. He won’t care though.

I’m just sad he doesn’t a) care that it matters to me and b) can’t compromise and even do a night away in the uk. And c) he has been withdrawn with me since I blew up over it, rather than wanting to talk.

Urgh.

OP posts:

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 29/10/2021 15:43

Put the ball in his court. Tell him he books it, you'll soon find out how interested he is in going away, plus he can choose which dates suit him and you're not controlling the situation (not that I think you are).

In the mean time, book some time away with friends - I also bet as soon as you've booked, he'll say that's the weekend way going to book.

Original poster

AnimalFeets · 29/10/2021 15:50

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

In the mean time, book some time away with friends - I also bet as soon as you've booked, he'll say that's the weekend way going to book.

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent I tried that back in august. He didn’t look into anything or come back to me with a date off.

What gets to me is that now I’ve clearly got upset about it and he actually doesn’t care at all. If anything it’s made him totally withdraw rather than pay attention to what has become an issue?! He’s been off with me all day.

OP posts:

P1ainJanine · 29/10/2021 16:37

This is the start of it. He's training you to obedience. He doesn't want you expressing your opinion, unless it's what he wants. So he will punish you like this. Eventually, you will be walking on eggshells for the sake of a "quiet life", and afraid to voice an opinion on anything at all. It will wear your self confidence and self respect down, until you don't know which way is up.

It's controlling and abusive.

There are loads of threads on here with similar men. Take heed and count yourself lucky that you haven't wasted any more time with him or had children with him. (How much support do you think he'd give you with looking after the kids and doing his share of the housework?)

smoko · 29/10/2021 16:43

How much time on the weekend do you spend together?

I’d be thinking he is either lazy or there is another reason he can’t book the time away

I.e there is someone else who would question his absence…

& not talking about his employer

Are you sure there can be nobody else he is seeing here?

I know that might seem like a leap for some, but it happens & if your relationship has mostly been in lockdown maybe he has another GF

Original poster

AnimalFeets · 29/10/2021 17:24

@P1ainJanine

It's controlling and abusive.

@P1ainJanine I don’t see it as abusive really…he’s not an argumentative man at all. He’s not cruel or mean.

I can’t help feeling that all this is very very selfish though. It’s part and parcel of a relationship, to invest time and plans with someone. I don’t think I’ve asked for much yet he’s made out ive caused him masses of inconvenience.

OP posts:

freeatlast2021 · 29/10/2021 17:44

OP it seems to me that you are really young, perhaps my kids age, so I am going to give you an advice I would give them and is totally based on my own experience. Please think hard about how this makes you feel. It does not matter, what anybody thinks is normal or not, what matters is what you think and how this makes you feel. People are not necessarily good or bad but for a relationship there are good and bad matches and if this situation makes you feel weird, I suggest trust your instincts and run away. This is not going to change over time, it will get worse. Weekend away may no seem like a big of a deal now, but 25 years worth of it will. And the problem is not so much about you not going to this vacation, but it is about you not being able to discuss this properly with your partner. He totally reminds me of my now ex husband. Little things like this kept happening and they were never big enough for me to leave but over time they were driving me mad. I was never able to sit down and talk to him like a proper grown up, he would always get defensive, start blaming me for "blaming" him, tel me I am being unreasonable and I did not know what to do.

Now all these years later I realized that he is probably a narcissist (not diagnosed) and no matter how hard I tried I would never solve anything with him, as it is not possible to do so, but it made me so misirable and unhappy.

freeatlast2021 · 29/10/2021 17:50

@youvegottenminuteslynn
Bottom line OP is that he isn't giving you what you need to make you happy. You don't feel like a priority, you don't feel he is excited about your future together, you don't feel secure in being on the same page. When you're in a healthy relationship where you are equally invested, those worries aren't there. I wish I had realized that in my 20s instead of thinking if I loved someone enough,was nice, kind, generous enough then of course it would work out! That just isn't how it works. He can't feel what he doesn't feel. Your expectations are perfectly normal. You just aren't compatible

Spot on! I wish I had read your comment 25 years ago.

RandomMess · 29/10/2021 18:06

I think he sees you as a girlfriend appliance.

You operate by fitting in with what he wants and make no demands on him or his time.

You deserve better!

freeatlast2021 · 29/10/2021 18:10

*@P1ainJanine I don’t see it as abusive really…he’s not an argumentative man at all. He’s not cruel or mean.

Oh, but it is, that is the problem. My ex never yelled at me, called me names and definitely never raised a hand on me, but he totally destroyed me as a person with this kind of behavior. It is emotional abuse; silent treatments, deflecting, gaslighting, dismissing your feelings, this messes up with your head, you end up thinking it is all your fault.

billy1966 · 29/10/2021 18:18

@FatCatThinCat

He's being a dick and stringing you along. Book a holiday and go with your friends. Sod him.

Absolutely this.

He's not that into you and he sounds like a dick.

Think long and hard about wasting time on someone who has zero interest in going away with you.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 29/10/2021 18:28

I don’t see it as abusive really…he’s not an argumentative man at all. He’s not cruel or mean

He has been cruel and mean by ignoring you, also by promising you a break and not doing anything about it, and not taking your feelings into consideration when you're obviously upset by something

The silent treatment is a well know tool in the abusers kit

Dery · 29/10/2021 19:06

"I don’t see it as abusive really…he’s not an argumentative man at all. He’s not cruel or mean

He has been cruel and mean by ignoring you, also by promising you a break and not doing anything about it, and not taking your feelings into consideration when you're obviously upset by something

The silent treatment is a well know tool in the abusers kit"

This with bells on. There are ways of mistreating people which don't involve shouting at them or being physically violent towards them.

He's completely let you down over going on holiday and now he's sulking with you over it? He's trying to teach you that he will make you pay if you do something he doesn't want you to do. That's nasty. He sounds more trouble than he's worth. Why on earth does he think his behaviour's okay?

billy1966 · 31/10/2021 12:56

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent and @Dery are bang on the money OP.

You are wasting your time and you have been told.

You would be wise to read up on abusive behavior if you honestly believe getting a slap is all that it is.

Do it before you bitterly regret it.

P1ainJanine · 01/11/2021 14:32

As others have said, it doesn't have to be violent - either verbally or physically - to be abuse. By using the silent treatment he is shutting you down. It's a form of control and quite apart from being childish at best (sulking) is is abuse. It's just that the brusies aren't visible.

If you tolerate this, what else will you put up with?
Why is it you who has to give in?
Why do his wishes trump yours?
Why does he get away with lying to you? (he has promised to do things about the holiday, but has repeatedly failed to do so - because he doesn't want to. No properly functioning adult can accidentally not book time off for months at a time.

Think about these questions, please.

RosiePosieDozy · 01/11/2021 14:37

I agree with a pp about lockdown. You haven't got to experience 'normal' life with him because of lockdown. Now his real attitude and behaviour is emerging.

It's strange that he doesn't want to go away with you. And it's upsetting actually. I wouldn't carry on dealing with this. Time to move on I think. He's dragging you down.

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