H made me sick deliberately

[exdefil]

I have been married for 20 years, 3 dcs. Lots of rows and red flags in that time; but I couldn't afford to leave, and what he did could usually be interpreted as (at a stretch) non-deliberate.

However, last week - he had been hassling me to help him choose a new second-hand car, as he'd recently bought a dodgy car that broke down immediately. I don't drive and we live walking distance to a station and both work from home, so not a huge priority for me but he was insisting we had to discuss it then. We'd already spent hours discussing it and failing to find anything suitable. I was v busy with work and stressed. He had been saying that week he felt a bit ill but he's had long Covid in the past and claimed it was that. He came and sat next to me in bed, but really weirdly - not affectionately, but getting right into my space, so it felt uncomfortable, and put his face right up to mine, so his cheek was up against mine. This wasn't affectionate - it felt quite aggressive, and I was edging away. Supposedly, this was so we could look at cars together on his phone. He was like this for several minutes, with me edging away, and him pressing his face to mine. He got cross when I asked him to move over as I felt squished and he was in my space.

So... 5 days later, and I have Covid symptoms - temperature, dizzy, sore throat, cough. (I am double-jabbed.) When I told him this, he said he felt exactly the same last week, still has some symptoms now. He hasn't done a PCR test - claims he did a lateral flow test last week and it was negative, but no idea if that was true, and anyway, they aren't intended for those who are symptomatic, and he doesn't ever do lateral flow tests properly, as he claims they make him gag.

So he seems to have deliberately infected me - this is an illness that can kill, with potentially long-term implications. WTF?!

I am waiting for a PCR test to see if what I have is Covid, but even if it's 'just' a nasty respiratory virus, the fact remains, he appears to have knowingly and deliberately infected me. I feel physically dreadful, and knowing that the man who vowed to love and protect me, instead went out of his way to try to make sure I got Covid, makes me feel horrified. If he would do this, how could I be safe as I got older and frailer, and with no-one else in the house?

I recently inherited some money, so leaving is now finally an option, but dc3 has GCSEs this summer, so a bad time for him for a shock divorce.

Advice wanted please.

[exdefil]

Thanks @Lotusmonster.

My ds has been anxious since he was a baby - think it's just 'him'. But yes, sure that our relationship must be stressful for him too. So it's not a totally unfair comment. But I don't kid myself that if we split up, ds would magically stop being anxious. Plus, GCSE year is a stressful year for all kids.

Should add, our financial situation has been very precarious for years. That has put the whole family under lots of stress. I was hoping that inheriting enough to have paid off all debts and be a large chunk of a potential house purchase (we rent) would reduce that stress. But if it is split into two, it won't provide that stability. Poor ds.

[ddl1]

It may not be deliberate, but 'only' thoughtless and inconsiderate. He may have wanted your attention there and then, and not even considered that he could be infecting you.

In any case, he sounds generally inconsiderate, and the marriage doesn't seem to be worth having, or to have been so for a long time, so I would put an end to it. Your son probably knows quite well that you don't get on. If possible, try to get some financial advice before starting divorce proceedings.

[TatianaBis]

About why he wanted me involved in the car decision - he needed me to pay for it as the only spare cash we have is from the inheritance. Plus his method of choosing a car is to send me dozens of adverts of cars he likes and then I have to point out the flaws, eg no MOT, dealer has rubbish reviews etc. He has mild dyslexia and claims he can't spot these details on his own.

I think this is enough of a motivation to force you to look at his phone tbh. He's annoyed that he's bought a lemon and wants you to be involved in the decision so it's not all his reponsibility.

[TatianaBis]

It may not be deliberate, but 'only' thoughtless and inconsiderate. He may have wanted your attention there and then, and not even considered that he could be infecting you.

I agree. It seems more likely to be wanting to involve you so much that he's not thinking about the consequences.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

It's weird to see strangers here informing a woman that actually her DH only wanted to be close to her and he wasn't thinking at all of trying to make her sick. How many of you were in the bed with them?

Don't let them gaslight you OP. You know what happened.

Get some legal advice. And just start to look around at your options. A move doesn't necessarily have to sabotage your DS. Just ensure that he stays at the same school.

[Nocutenamesleft]

@exdefil

Just to add, I feel physically dreadful at the moment so sure this is not improving my mood or tolerance for what was at best H not taking more care to stay away if he thought he could be contagious.

If the situation was reversed, I would always and have always made sure to keep as far away as possible from family members if I have a contagious bug of any type. Certainly not put my face against theirs for an extended period!

Did you know he was unwell at that point?

[Kajjjer93]

The fact that you feel he is capable of trying to infect you with an illness is enough that you should make plans to leave. You don't trust him and you feel he would deliberately cause you illness. He clearly makes you unhappy.

Make plans to leave now, whether you do this now or after your child's GCSE's.

[dottiedodah]

He sounds quite frightful TBH! I would be wary about your inheritance though .I may be wrong here ,but I think he may have a claim on it up to 2 years post divorce .As PP have said you need to be able to ring fence if possible .Maybe see a Solicitor

[exdefil]

@BoredZelda

Did you feel that was constructively phrased when you wrote that?

It is a valid point though.

Nah, not really. When someone has posted on Relationships about something that is upsetting them, calling it 'drivel' is not a 'valid point'.

[PumpkinsandTea]

If he was trying to make you sick deliberately, that wasn't the way to go about it.... He could've licked your mug when you're not looking, coughed in your face whilst you're asleep, all sorts of gross things without you knowing. Sounds like he was trying to be affectionate but because he was trying too hard, it obviously came off as the opposite!

[irene9]

I don't understand how you have a situation where 'we talked about divorce' and then you are in bed with someone cheek to cheek and patiently discussing getting a new car.
If I had 'talked about divorce' with my DH I'd be fairly distraught and it'd be all I could think about.
I wouldn't be continually bringing it up along with 'what'll we have for dinner' and 'I've to bring her to the dentist next Tuesday'.

Your to do list might look something like this:

Renew house insurance
Chat with DH about divorce - 2022, maybe?
Look up cars with DH
Ring plumber re the leaky rad.
Wash PE kit for tomorrow

Are you looking for ways to make yourself a victim of his bad behaviour. I'm not saying he doesn't mistreat you, I'm just saying this one is a long shot if you think he's after your money.

[exdefil]

@TatianaBis

About why he wanted me involved in the car decision - he needed me to pay for it as the only spare cash we have is from the inheritance. Plus his method of choosing a car is to send me dozens of adverts of cars he likes and then I have to point out the flaws, eg no MOT, dealer has rubbish reviews etc. He has mild dyslexia and claims he can't spot these details on his own.

I think this is enough of a motivation to force you to look at his phone tbh. He's annoyed that he's bought a lemon and wants you to be involved in the decision so it's not all his reponsibility.

Agreed. The problem wasn't he wanted me involved in the car buying decision. We've had lots of these conversations before.

The problem was that he got into very close proximity to me that I was uncomfortable with - and did this despite having a temperature and other symptoms he didn't tell me about till later. He can talk about cars from a distance!

I am now ill with the same symptoms and probably the same illness. (NB Not definitely Covid, but not sure it is just fine if he's given me a nasty bug of some other variety.) I feel shocking at the moment and the thought that this was avoidable but he chose at best to ignore the fact he might make me ill is upsetting. But appreciate that feeling this rough might be impacting on my ability to see this calmly.

[exdefil]

@PumpkinsandTea

If he was trying to make you sick deliberately, that wasn't the way to go about it.... He could've licked your mug when you're not looking, coughed in your face whilst you're asleep, all sorts of gross things without you knowing. Sounds like he was trying to be affectionate but because he was trying too hard, it obviously came off as the opposite!

Nah, it definitely didn't feel affectionate. It felt aggressive. I was moving away and asking him to stop - nothing to do with infectiousness as I didn't know he was at that point. This was extended and felt quite weird.

[lemonyfox]

@exdefil

Just a real shock to think that he could hate me enough to deliberately make me ill.

I feel physically awful.

Sorry I think you're being a bit dramatic here tbh

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

So he seems to have deliberately infected me

Are you paranoid?

If you share a house, there's a good chance you will have COVID if he does.

It's not his fault you haven't had the guts to leave. If things are that bad then LEAVE! You might be skint but there is always a way.
If he is abusive then call Women's Aid.

Have you done a lateral flow or PCR test yet?

[SecretDoor]

Did you notice DH was ill?
Has your son been unwell?
Could it be possible your son has bought the illness home from school?

[TatianaBis]

I believe you when you say he was aggressive about it. I just think it's more likely that he's being aggressive about his car, and forcing you to focus on it, rather than intentionally infecting you.

But totally unthoughtful and not considering your health or even your interest in his car.

[RosiePosieDozy]

Focus on getting better for now. And then plan the divorce whenever you're ready.

You know your own husband. If you feel he was trying to infect you and you feel that was his intention, I bet you're right. Whatever he was doing, he was aggressive and you didn't like it. You say there have been many red flags. Now's time to leave whenever you're ready.

[exdefil]

@irene9 - fair question. We have talked about divorce before. Including recently. We had a big talk after the most recent discussions on divorce and cleared the air a lot. (I thought, anyway.)

While getting a car wasn't a priority for me, we have 3 dcs and I can see why having a driver with a car in the family is useful (even if I didn't feel it was as urgent as he did).

It's difficult to judge - as I said in my OP, there have been a lot of red flags previously, so it's not that he's always been the perfect husband. But we have 3 dcs together, who would be devastated if we split up, so divorce is not that simple.

[exdefil]

@lemonyfox - probably I am being dramatic! I feel lousy. I probably am not at my most forgiving and calm when I have a temperature, feel sick, dizzy, sore throat etc. Maybe you are a sweet-natured angel when feeling ill; we can't all be as wonderful as you!

[Sparkletastic]

At best he was thoughtless, at worst he was malicious. Sounds like you've reached the end of your tether either way. Don't buy his car. Say you are too I'll to discuss it. Get yourself a solicitor and protect your inheritance.

[Finals1234]

[quote Phobiaphobic]@DameMaureen Agree. Plus divorce lawyers and the courts - if it goes that far - aren't stupid. You have to declare all your assets. It's absurd to assume she can just hang on to this money. There's no such thing as 'my money' in a marriage.[/quote]
They aren't stupid but they also are not fair. If I had my time pre-court again I absolutely would have hidden or lent out any assets I had. ExH emptied the entire joint account plus other assets into his friends name, then claimed his friend had done a runner with it all. The judge bought his story, and he continued going out for drinks with so-called missing friend throughout the process. He now has it all back of course, and I have nothing.

I would absolutely put the inheritance in your sons name or someone else's before you make any steps towards a divorce.

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

You can catch covid from anywhere , however this marriage sounds toxic and unhealthy .

[BurntO]

You don’t sound like you like him very much. He didn’t do it on purpose and you have no idea where you could have picked a virus up from

[exdefil]

@BurntO

You don’t sound like you like him very much. He didn’t do it on purpose and you have no idea where you could have picked a virus up from

Are you my husband?

Curious how you are so sure you know about the intentions of someone you've never met?