H made me sick deliberately

[exdefil]

I have been married for 20 years, 3 dcs. Lots of rows and red flags in that time; but I couldn't afford to leave, and what he did could usually be interpreted as (at a stretch) non-deliberate.

However, last week - he had been hassling me to help him choose a new second-hand car, as he'd recently bought a dodgy car that broke down immediately. I don't drive and we live walking distance to a station and both work from home, so not a huge priority for me but he was insisting we had to discuss it then. We'd already spent hours discussing it and failing to find anything suitable. I was v busy with work and stressed. He had been saying that week he felt a bit ill but he's had long Covid in the past and claimed it was that. He came and sat next to me in bed, but really weirdly - not affectionately, but getting right into my space, so it felt uncomfortable, and put his face right up to mine, so his cheek was up against mine. This wasn't affectionate - it felt quite aggressive, and I was edging away. Supposedly, this was so we could look at cars together on his phone. He was like this for several minutes, with me edging away, and him pressing his face to mine. He got cross when I asked him to move over as I felt squished and he was in my space.

So... 5 days later, and I have Covid symptoms - temperature, dizzy, sore throat, cough. (I am double-jabbed.) When I told him this, he said he felt exactly the same last week, still has some symptoms now. He hasn't done a PCR test - claims he did a lateral flow test last week and it was negative, but no idea if that was true, and anyway, they aren't intended for those who are symptomatic, and he doesn't ever do lateral flow tests properly, as he claims they make him gag.

So he seems to have deliberately infected me - this is an illness that can kill, with potentially long-term implications. WTF?!

I am waiting for a PCR test to see if what I have is Covid, but even if it's 'just' a nasty respiratory virus, the fact remains, he appears to have knowingly and deliberately infected me. I feel physically dreadful, and knowing that the man who vowed to love and protect me, instead went out of his way to try to make sure I got Covid, makes me feel horrified. If he would do this, how could I be safe as I got older and frailer, and with no-one else in the house?

I recently inherited some money, so leaving is now finally an option, but dc3 has GCSEs this summer, so a bad time for him for a shock divorce.

Advice wanted please.

[lemmein]

I can't imagine a situation where my DH was making me feel uncomfortable with his face pressed against mine, where I don't tell him to get the fuck off me and ask him why he was doing it.

Are you scared of him OP?

[smoko]

What would you think his end game was to pass on the bug?

That it compromises your work & lose your job?

If you’re sick you’re vulnerable & weak - does he think you might leave him?

Try & think what the purpose of making you sick would be here

You could separate but stay under same room for your kid doing their exams?

[Fireatseaparks]

Also want to know, what would have happened if you'd have said 'Why are you in my space, can you move back'. Would he have been funny about it, called you rude, hateful etc?

[DameMaureen]

I imagine all the stresses of your unsatisfactory marriage are getting to you and making you overthink things . For your own mental health you need to make a move .

[exdefil]

I did keep edging away and asking him not to do it. Not because of illness but because it felt like he was invading my space. He got angry when I asked him to stop.

I don't think I am scared of him but I am scared of starting again on my own at this point in my life.

[exdefil]

@Fireatseaparks

Also want to know, what would have happened if you'd have said 'Why are you in my space, can you move back'. Would he have been funny about it, called you rude, hateful etc?

I did. He got angry.

[DameMaureen]

@SleepingBunnies21

Could you possibly even give it to a very trusted relative until after the divorce?

Not only is this illegal but can you imagine if a woman came on here and said her H was hiding money from her in a divorce ?

[DaisyNGO]

@exdefil

Just a real shock to think that he could hate me enough to deliberately make me ill.

I feel physically awful.

This would shock me to the core

Is he normally affectionate, I'm guessing not?

[DameMaureen]

@exdefil

I did keep edging away and asking him not to do it. Not because of illness but because it felt like he was invading my space. He got angry when I asked him to stop.

I don't think I am scared of him but I am scared of starting again on my own at this point in my life.

Everyone is scared of that in your situation - many of us have been there . Believe me you will likely end up with a life far superior to this one you currently have .

[smoko]

You’re scared to start again at your age but getting Covid must also be quite scary
Feeling someone could make you sick intentionally is terrifying
Not trusting your spouse would be worrisome

[Phobiaphobic]

@DameMaureen Agree. Plus divorce lawyers and the courts - if it goes that far - aren't stupid. You have to declare all your assets. It's absurd to assume she can just hang on to this money. There's no such thing as 'my money' in a marriage.

[TatianaBis]

So - sort everything for a divorce on your side and announce after DS finishes his GCSEs.

[exdefil]

@smoko

What would you think his end game was to pass on the bug?

That it compromises your work & lose your job?

If you’re sick you’re vulnerable & weak - does he think you might leave him?

Try & think what the purpose of making you sick would be here

You could separate but stay under same room for your kid doing their exams?

Don't know - can't think inside that potential headfry or why. Hope I am just overthinking this.

We have talked about divorce recently. As I had just had enough. (We have talked about it before, but as dcs are older and I have the inheritance, it is now more feasible.) I guess he might hope if I was ill I might not be able to leave as I would rely on him? Or more likely, just to get revenge? He has genuinely suffered a lot with Long Covid in the past - which I have complete sympathy for. I don't know if he is unhappy that he has suffered so much and I didn't?

[ChargingBuck]

You're not being over-dramatic, these are your feelings, you know your DH's usual behaviours, & he was acting oddly.

However ... don't get hung up on a red herring & miss the wider picture.
If DH has Covid, you were likely to contract it anyway.
& I wonder, like PP above, if his bizarre cheek rubbing thing was more of a manipulative display of 'affection' as he's like to start moving you toward 'volunteering' to pay for his car ..?

Big picture is -
you are unhappy
you are contemplating divorce
you are maybe looking for 'good enough' reasons - hence focusing on DH's odd recent behaviour
you are feeling guilty or reticent about pushing through with divorce - hence focus on it being the 'wrong time' for your son

Bottom line is -
Your DH's behaviour doesn't need scrutinising, or to be reprehensible, in order for you to 'deserve' to divorce him. 50% of marriages end in divorce. You are not a bad person for being fed up, & wanting to quit.

Your son's exams, or his prom, or his A levels, or his Uni application, or his new job ... are not reasons for you to endlessly postpone divorce.

So spend some time in your head, daydreaming about what you really want - for yourself, not anyone else - how a new life would look, what practical steps you'd need to take to achieve it.

Then quietly consult a lawyer so you have a factual picture of how finances & asset splits will look for you.

Then start thinking about how best you would manage the process for minimum fallout for your son / other DC.

Then decide if you want to do it.

While you're doing all this - forget about your DH's motivations. They are not material to what you want - which is simply a clear, self-reliant decision about whether you are going to divorce him or not.

Get well soon!

PS do NOT squander that inheritance on a new car for DH. You don't like him enough to be doing that my dear ...

[SleepingBunnies21]

Not only is this illegal but can you imagine if a woman came on here and said her H was hiding money from her in a divorce ?

Another poster suggested putting it in a trust for her kids .... not much different.

Anyway people do lots and lots of not strictly legal things.

And if a man came on here and described his wife as above, I'd recommend the same thing.

[SleepingBunnies21]

Also we really don't need "what about the menz" posting; the menz - especially ones like this - don't need your help, believe me.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

I think you might be getting paranoid in term of him deliberately giving you Covid. If he genuinely had Covid before, the plan wouldn't even make sense.

But it does seem that you can't stand him, have been wanting to get away from him for ages, and might now be in a position to do so. That is all the reason you need.

[ChargingBuck]

@exdefil

I did keep edging away and asking him not to do it. Not because of illness but because it felt like he was invading my space. He got angry when I asked him to stop.

I don't think I am scared of him but I am scared of starting again on my own at this point in my life.

You won't be on your own OP.

You will still have the same family members, friends, colleagues, interests & hobbies as you have now.

You will simply no longer need to put up with a man whose red flags you have only tolerated because you felt you could not afford to leave.


He got angry when I asked him to stop.
You may not be scared of him OP - but I am.
Far, far more scared of a man who gets angry when women say "no" to him than I am of a lovely life without that scary man in it.

[Hoppinggreen]

You can leave for any reason but be aware that your inheritance may be a marital asset

[smoko]

well if you died of Covid that inheritance would all be his.

[Samedaysame]

Hi op his behaviour is appalling if he did deliberately wanted you to be ill. I would advise you to see a Solicitor regarding your inheritance as your husband may well be entitled to half of that inheritance.

[Practicebeingpatient]

There is so much going on here!

He may or may not have deliberately tried to infect you. You may or may not have contracted COVID from him not some randomer. Both of these things are entirely irrelevant. The fact that your immediate suspicion is that he intentionally tried to infect you with an illness that can kill is a clear indication that you don't love him or trust him. That in itself is enough reason to end the marriage.

You say that it isn't a good time because it's the youngest child's GCSE year - If you separate now it could negatively impact their results, that's true. If you don't separate now, living with in such a toxic environment will be effecting them every single day. And don't kid yourself that waiting until he/she is at uni is a better option. Young people at university are still effected by what's going on in the family home.

There is no easy way to do this. Breaking up a family is going to cause fall out however and whenever you do it. But staying with someone you think is intentionally trying to harm you is an act of insanity.

[theremustonlybeone]

I dont think your DC would be shocked if you separated as your relationship is shit. Your DC will likely do better in their GCSES when you are separated. DC feel the stress and unpleasant in the home.

Agree with others its an excuse. You and your partner are in a toxic relationship and whilst you may be used to it your DC are caught up in it to.

[Worldgonecrazy]

A good solicitor is needed. A recent inheritance will be treated differently than a long standing inheritance. Yes it’s a matrimonial asset but financial orders will seek fairness, not 50/50.

The longer you stay in the toxic relationship, the greater the claim he will have. Love yourself enough to step away.

[Aposterhasnoname]

Who asks someone who doesn’t drive to help them with car purchase selection?

Someone who is in a partnership where big financial decisions are taken jointly perhaps?

Anyway, I don’t think he was trying to infect you, but it’s very clear you don’t like him, much less love him, so it’s time to separate.