H made me sick deliberately

[exdefil]

I have been married for 20 years, 3 dcs. Lots of rows and red flags in that time; but I couldn't afford to leave, and what he did could usually be interpreted as (at a stretch) non-deliberate.

However, last week - he had been hassling me to help him choose a new second-hand car, as he'd recently bought a dodgy car that broke down immediately. I don't drive and we live walking distance to a station and both work from home, so not a huge priority for me but he was insisting we had to discuss it then. We'd already spent hours discussing it and failing to find anything suitable. I was v busy with work and stressed. He had been saying that week he felt a bit ill but he's had long Covid in the past and claimed it was that. He came and sat next to me in bed, but really weirdly - not affectionately, but getting right into my space, so it felt uncomfortable, and put his face right up to mine, so his cheek was up against mine. This wasn't affectionate - it felt quite aggressive, and I was edging away. Supposedly, this was so we could look at cars together on his phone. He was like this for several minutes, with me edging away, and him pressing his face to mine. He got cross when I asked him to move over as I felt squished and he was in my space.

So... 5 days later, and I have Covid symptoms - temperature, dizzy, sore throat, cough. (I am double-jabbed.) When I told him this, he said he felt exactly the same last week, still has some symptoms now. He hasn't done a PCR test - claims he did a lateral flow test last week and it was negative, but no idea if that was true, and anyway, they aren't intended for those who are symptomatic, and he doesn't ever do lateral flow tests properly, as he claims they make him gag.

So he seems to have deliberately infected me - this is an illness that can kill, with potentially long-term implications. WTF?!

I am waiting for a PCR test to see if what I have is Covid, but even if it's 'just' a nasty respiratory virus, the fact remains, he appears to have knowingly and deliberately infected me. I feel physically dreadful, and knowing that the man who vowed to love and protect me, instead went out of his way to try to make sure I got Covid, makes me feel horrified. If he would do this, how could I be safe as I got older and frailer, and with no-one else in the house?

I recently inherited some money, so leaving is now finally an option, but dc3 has GCSEs this summer, so a bad time for him for a shock divorce.

Advice wanted please.

[EarthSight]

After such a long time being with someone, I think it's likely that you know your own husband well enough to interpret this correctly.

You can't prove it concretely, but the fact that you interpreted his behaviour in this way suggest there's a big backstory and many details that have led up to this which is really not good.

[Campfirewood]

If he wanted to give you covid he could have kissed you? That would have been more effective than cheek touching?
I agree it’s weird though.

[Happymum12345]

This sounds absolutely awful. I couldn’t cope with this at all. Do all that you can for your own sanity.

[Regularsizedrudy]

Please leave this twat.

[Clusterfckintolerant]

Leaving takes planning and time. Suggest investigating if you can plan to leave post GCSE exams. Then you have the summer to adapt and your new sixthformer has a chance to settle before term starts.

Congrats on your inheritance.

[exdefil]

@creativevoid

As someone who was in an emotionally abusive marriage I get how you can know full well that someone is doing/saying something to hurt you but when it is described to others it doesn't sound that bad. I agree you should leave. It's interesting that your son is anxious. My son (much younger) wet the bed every night and as soon as his father was out of the house it stopped. It is awful to live in this kind of environment.

Glad your son recovered - thanks for understanding.

[exdefil]

@mylovelydd

Love the way posters are minimising things for your OP and saying they "don't think he did it deliberately" You were the one that was there so I think you know better than they do what happened.

Please ignore the gaslighting and get rid of this man, he sounds horrible.

Thanks.

[exdefil]

@WonderfulYou

I am ill at the moment and it does make you feel a bit down and not yourself.

I also have a mum who has MH problems and when her MH is bad the first thing she thinks is that her husband is trying to kill her or steal from her. Her MH is triggered by illness or stressful events in life.

Be logical - what would the reason be that he would purposely give you covid?
If he wanted to kill you or make you ill there’s easier ways to do it.
If he had symptoms himself would you not have noticed?
You say he became aggressive, in what way did he show this?

I think you’ve got this money and you’re looking for excuses to leave him.
I feel that it would suit you better if there was a big reason to leave instead of you just being unhappy as you’d feel bad breaking up the family.

Honestly being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave.

It's possible, and a helpful post. I probably do want to leave and it's entirely possible I would welcome a definite reason to leave; that said, I'm not with him by accident, but by carefully weighing up the pros and cons at different periods of time. I've given him the benefit of the doubt lots - we have 3 dcs together, who would be devastated if we split, have been poor as church mice for years and now with the inheritance and our joint salaries could look to finally be comfortable - separately, we wouldn't be. Sometimes I convinced myself he does care about me and it was just x, y or z that meant he did this or that horrible thing. And I don't want to be old on my own. We have a lot of history and some of it is positive. So I don't think this was something I consciously wanted.

I am not imagining that he was aggressive - he kept getting in my space when I moved over and when I finally asked him not to he snapped and then went off in a huff. Most people would just say 'Oh, sorry!' if it was just an accident, not shout and march off.

He told me he had Long Covid symptoms - he only told me this week he'd been having a temperature and sore throat, etc which are not part of the Long Covid symptoms he's had (shortness of breath etc). I can't guess that he has a temperature etc if he doesn't tell me.

[exdefil]

@Lotusmonster - thanks for the helpful post. I do take lots of time to talk to ds and we are very close; I have been looking for a counsellor for him, as feel he could do with professional support to address some of the social anxiety in particular. If you have any ideas of how to find a good counsellor/psychologist, suggestions would be very welcome.

[exdefil]

@LaurenKelsey

I know this sounds OTT, but I wonder if he thought you might get Covid and die, thereby leaving your inheritance in his hands?

I’ve been watching too much TV!

Thankfully think that's unlikely. We both had Covid last year - he had it much worse than I did. I am not worrying about dying from it - I am worried that he at best didn't take care not to give me an infectious disease (and didn't even tell me about the symptoms until days later), and at worst deliberately infected me.

[Lotusmonster]

OP, I can’t imagine there’s going to be a good time to proceed with a divorce tbh. Your DC has GCSEs, but then after that potentially A levels and first year Uni to contend with. There will always be something because your DC are going through big steps In their lives.
If you can, I’d try and spend some of this money on getting the youngest a psychologist to offer some support with the anxiety of GCSE and the family challenges. It will be money well spent.
I know it’s incredibly hard, but really try and find some space in your day to talk to your DC and explore how they’re feeling …a dog walk?
Charity Parenting Mental Health offer peer to peer support for parents of children with a mental illness. This can be a lifeline for your during your fragmented relationship.
Best of luck OP!

[IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves]

Have you already bought the car?
If not I suggest moving all your inheritance into an account he cannot access and use it to move out.

[SoupDragon]

Please ignore the gaslighting

There isn't any.

Nevertheless, I don't think anyone has suggested she stay.

[WonderfulYou]

I am ill at the moment and it does make you feel a bit down and not yourself.

I also have a mum who has MH problems and when her MH is bad the first thing she thinks is that her husband is trying to kill her or steal from her. Her MH is triggered by illness or stressful events in life.

Be logical - what would the reason be that he would purposely give you covid?
If he wanted to kill you or make you ill there’s easier ways to do it.
If he had symptoms himself would you not have noticed?
You say he became aggressive, in what way did he show this?

I think you’ve got this money and you’re looking for excuses to leave him.
I feel that it would suit you better if there was a big reason to leave instead of you just being unhappy as you’d feel bad breaking up the family.

Honestly being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave.

[mylovelydd]

Love the way posters are minimising things for your OP and saying they "don't think he did it deliberately" You were the one that was there so I think you know better than they do what happened.

Please ignore the gaslighting and get rid of this man, he sounds horrible.

[ScrambledSmegs]

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Are you going to bother getting tested? Or just whine on about how you haven't left him left?

You could be putting other people at risk.

OP has already done a PCR and is waiting for the results. It says so in the very first post.

[butterpuffed]

OP, does your DH work from home ? If he goes out to work and you think he thought he had covid , then he would be possibly infect people at work as well as you. Surely not..

[LaurenKelsey]

I know this sounds OTT, but I wonder if he thought you might get Covid and die, thereby leaving your inheritance in his hands?

I’ve been watching too much TV!

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Are you going to bother getting tested? Or just whine on about how you haven't left him left?

You could be putting other people at risk.

[exdefil]

@Finals1234 - thank you.

Glad to hear your dcs benefited in the long run post-divorce.

[creativevoid]

As someone who was in an emotionally abusive marriage I get how you can know full well that someone is doing/saying something to hurt you but when it is described to others it doesn't sound that bad. I agree you should leave. It's interesting that your son is anxious. My son (much younger) wet the bed every night and as soon as his father was out of the house it stopped. It is awful to live in this kind of environment.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I probably am not at my most forgiving and calm when I have a temperature, feel sick, dizzy, sore throat etc.

You need to do a lateral flow test at least. And self isolate until you get a PCR test done as you have symptoms of COVID.

[CSJobseeker]

so leaving is now finally an option

The fact that you use this phrase ("finally an option") means you want to leave him. So do it.

He may have made you ill deliberately, who knows, it doesn't really matter tbh. You don't like him, so leave him. Life is far too short.

[Finals1234]

@GatoradeMeBitch

It's weird to see strangers here informing a woman that actually her DH only wanted to be close to her and he wasn't thinking at all of trying to make her sick. How many of you were in the bed with them?

Don't let them gaslight you OP. You know what happened.

Get some legal advice. And just start to look around at your options. A move doesn't necessarily have to sabotage your DS. Just ensure that he stays at the same school.

Totally agree, if you think it was deliberate, then it was, based on your feelings and his actions, don't let anyone else undermine your own valid feelings about the situation.

Your DS anxiety may decrease when he is out of this toxic situation, it certainly will help him in the long run (based on my experience with my own ex and children).

If his GCSEs are coming up in the summer then you should think about leaving sooner rather than later so he is less disrupted closer to the time of exams. Good luck op x

[smoko]

Do you even want to use the inheritance to buy a car? It seems a bit off to make a bad choice of car, then go asking your spouse to spend their inheritance on something which will depreciate due to your own mistake!

It just leaves a bad taste doesn’t it - someone asking you to spend the money of someone who has died, that you love, who gifted that money to you. It’s not right.

It’s like he is mentally spending your inheritance! What else does he have planned for you to buy for the family, I wonder…

I’d be spending the inheritance on things which you can claim are yours but you’re really going to resell them - like Chanel bags & don’t take them out of the box!

Would be seeing a lawyer to discuss where you stand with the inheritance