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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

3 hours till he leaves for work and I need the toilet

108 replies

SorryZac · 27/10/2021 19:44

I had a lovely time today with LO. We went to some soft play place. It was a last min invite from a friend. She was there with her 4 kids and OH. My LO had a wonderful time playing with my friends children. When it was time to go they asked if we'd like to join them for a bite to eat, I declined but they insisted on us coming so we went and again LO had a lovely time throughout it I just kept looking at his face and he was just so happy.

I was so envious of my friend she has a lovely life, I know she has struggles but she has a husband who is always there for her. I was watching him with the kids, hes just proactive and a doer.

Anyway me and LO got home about an hour ago. I had a shower and went up only to find my OH was still asleep. He went to bed at 8am(works nights). This is what he does unless I tell him to get up. His priority is sleep. Any time he has off is spent sleeping or watching tiktok. He looks at me then says come and give me a kiss I said no you dont smell very nice atm.

Anyway he went to the toilet then, then comes and sits on the sofa and starts rubbing his face against me, I moved my body away. He does it again and again and I'm asking him to stop but he just keeps doing it to the point where I'm having to really push him away and shout and I can feel my eyes watering because hes not listening, my LO grabs my hand at this point and says something and I calm down and OH backs off. I said to OH why I didnt like what he was doing, he then proceeded to swear at me and call me am idiot, so I said your a 40 year old man calling me an idiot cz I didn't want to kiss you or want you to touch me because you have morning breath and crap on your face. He then kept saying shut the fuck up and kicked me in my knee. I took LO and said all because I didn't want you to touch me you kicked me for no reason, he then got the half eaten cereal bowl LO had and told me to fuck off and threatened to throw it at me. I just came straight upstairs with LO. I hate that LO was wiping my tears and saying 'dont be cry mummy'.
Hes ruined our lovely day as always.

I need the toilet but I'm going to have to go downstairs past him, which I really dont want to do.

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/10/2021 22:14

You know that you need to leave, now you just need to take the step and do it. I started over 400 miles from family, and gradually built a family of friends, and I promise you can do it too. If your parents would want you to be in an abusive relationship then I’m afraid they’re letting you down too. I’d never ever want that for my grown up children, and would move heaven and earth to get them to safety. Women’s aid as pp’s have said are wonderful - I spent time in a shelter, and it was nowhere near as grim as you might think. It was just a calm safe space to regroup, and I got a lot of support.
Stay strong OP xx

Libelula21 · 27/10/2021 22:17

Sounds like you are getting lots of good advice on here… nothing to add but just wanted to wish you and your LO well.

One day at a time, baby steps 💐 x

MummyOfOne89 · 27/10/2021 22:23

I mean 1.5 years old then**

Original poster
SorryZac · 27/10/2021 23:09

My family are traditional and I was brought up in a pretty conservative household. My father was abusive towards my mother, he eventually left my mother. My mother then became abusive towards my siblings and I. I can still vividly remember some of the beatings, this happened from the age of 6 till about 23. As we got older she stopped and turned one of my siblings against us and make him hit us.
I remember spending most if my late teens and early 20s working back to back just so I didn't have to spend time at home.

There is just so much more to it all but I'm just drained atm.

The poster who said they couldn't understand why I just don't leave. I wish I had that courage to just do it , I really do and just not give a shit. But really what role models have I had throughout my life? What have I experienced in my life? All I know is what I've seen and experienced myself.

I wish I had people like @RosesAndHellebores in my life when I was young. I wish I had REAL people around me when I was younger to show, tell and experience life with but I didn't. I empty my head on here to a bunch of random strangers who give me so much comfort when I'm struggling and give me confidence when I feel so shitty.

I will actually make a secret overnight bag as PPs suggested, I've never thought of that

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 27/10/2021 23:22

Op I'm so sorry to read this do you have a friend to talk to? Maybe the friend you've been with today?

WonderfulYou · 27/10/2021 23:28

What’s the worst that will happen if you leave?

I’m sorry you had such a terrible childhood and men like him will often prey on vulnerable females knowing they won’t call the police or leave.
Do you not want your child to have good childhood memories and not of ones where they have anxiety knowing their dad will be home soon and then walking on egg shells when he’s home. If he’s abusive or violent to you he could easily be to them too.

DowntonCrabby · 27/10/2021 23:38

Oh OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please please think seriously about leaving him, he’s an abusive, violent twat.

I’d just pee wherever you can right now, into a folded bath towel?

Flowers keep chatting on here if it’ll help xx

RosesAndHellebores · 28/10/2021 08:36

I hope you got some sleep op. Just to help you move on a little, my childhood was very insecure and my mother a classic narcissist. My dc have the lives they have now because I vowed never, ever to give my dc an insecure start or to be unkind to them. I had everything as a child except love - looking in it was perfect; being in it was vile.

I say that only to give you strength. My mother and I tolerate each other twice a year and I'll never be the daughter she wanted.

You can move on and gave a much happier life and I'm sure you have as much life ahead of you as my DC: 23 and 26. Start living rather than existing and be safe. It is essential you do this because as he gets bigger, one slip from your ds's lip at nursery/school and just a tiny bit of last night will be regarded as a safeguarding issue and I'm sure you don't want him to become a secret keeper.

My last bit of advice, as you make your plans, please make sure you have reliable contraception. Please get this sorted today if not already.

Good luck.

stressedy · 28/10/2021 08:52

you need to leave you need to protect yourself. i was also a victim of abuse as a child you do not deserve this your child doesn't please be brave and
make plans and leave.

GrandOld · 28/10/2021 09:03

I know it's difficult, scary and seemingly impossible but you can break this cycle.

Don't let your child grow up in the same type of family you grew up in.

Be courageous.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/10/2021 09:13

OP are you BAME? I think you may be surprised by family's reactions. Sure "marriage is for life" but in reality we all know people who have divorced, and think no worse if them for that.

Having said that, you described abusive parents who it would be actively harmful to keep in contact with. What other family and friends can you strengthen bonds with to support you on your way out?

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 28/10/2021 09:24

Op, you can do this. One step at a time. Confide in someone IRL, start building support from people who know the truth about what is happening in your house. You can and will get out. You and your child deserve so much more than this. Talk to your friend - the one mentioned in your original post.

grumpy21 · 28/10/2021 10:07

Oh OP 😥 💐 If you can bring yourself to speak to a friend in real life, or even your GP, that will be a big step. You sound like such a loving mum, despite your own childhood, with a wise head on your shoulders. You are stronger than you think, just understandably scared. Sending you big hugs.

AgathaX · 28/10/2021 10:22

I hope you find the courage to leave, both for your sake and your DC. It must be a very hard thing to do. You've achieved suggest though, you can see that this is wrong, you've started to take steps in getting photos and some documents together.
As others have done, I urge you to phone women's aid, and the police. Do you have any friends locally that could help, or neighbors? It's often only when you reach out for help that you realise that there are good people out there who will support you.

honeygriff · 28/10/2021 10:24

OP is there a women's aid near you? Can you ring them while he's out? You need help and support to leave safely. I don't need to tell you that leaving is the most dangerous time for women. You sound like you have the loveliest bond with your lo. I'm sure your new life will be very happy after the first bumpy bit. From reading your posts I think you are a really strong person and a fantastic Mum.

MummyOfOne89 · 28/10/2021 10:29

I also agree with everyone and suggest you call a nearby woman’s aid while your partner is out, OP.
You can do this. You are much stronger than you realise. Above all, you love your child and I know you will want to give them a lovely life as they, and you deserve. Think about when you went out with your friend and how nice you felt. This is all achievable but please reach out for help. Hope you’re ok xxx.

TheChip · 28/10/2021 11:28

How are things today, OP?

That lovely friend of yours, if you can, use that bag you're making up as a way to open up to her about it. It would be far safer to have the bag elsewhere so that he can't stumble upon it.

Row1n · 28/10/2021 11:55

You can be that role model for your dc that you missed out on. In the meantime be very careful, as a pp said, dont let on youre leaving or gathering your stuff together

JinglingHellsBells · 28/10/2021 15:21

It's not 'traditional' for men to abuse their wives.

Is your father /family from a culture where men are regarded as superior and women are treated as inferior beings who must obey them?

layladomino · 28/10/2021 15:43

I wish you every strength @SorryZac

I think you know what you need to do. You've talked about your own awful childhood, and that has probably made you more at risk of ending up in an abusive relationship, and your resilience is low.

Now is your chance to ensure that doesn't happen to your own children. The best possible gift you can give them is to remove them from this situation, to break the cycle, to show them that you should leave bad relationships, you should respect yourself. Show them they shouldn't put up with abusive behaviour.

You mentioned your lovely friend. Do you have other friends or family (kind, supportive ones?)

sasparilla1 · 28/10/2021 16:01

OP you can leave him, and it will change your life and that of your child.

I say this as a survivor of physical and emotional abuse. I left my xh 18/19 years ago, and my life now is unrecognisable. Happily married to an amazing man and we have 2 more dc's together. I've also been able to show my 2 grownup dc's what a good relationship looks like!

It's really hard to leave an abusive relationship, and many people don't do it until they're ready or forced into it. It took me 15 years to pluck up the courage to flee. By then I had no friends and very little family.

My narcissist mother enjoyed the drama of it all and being able to say that she was supporting me, but that was it.

If I can help with any advice, please do feel free to ask.

Chakraleaf · 28/10/2021 16:28

You can leave. I left my ex and had to move away from my family. I went across the country with my kids and one backpack. I knew what would happen could never be as bad as living with that prick

Chakraleaf · 28/10/2021 16:29

What area are you OP?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/10/2021 17:42

Have been thinking of you today OP, I hope you're OK Thanks

meMaMoMOmo · 28/10/2021 17:56

I stayed with my abuser far longer than i should of because i was scared, scared of leaving him, my friends, my family

We were together 7 years and i left when my babies were 2.6 years old and 8 months old. He'd attacked me so many times, but the last attack was infront of the children and my DD had tried picking me up off the floor, wiped my tears and told me she was sorry because she thought it was her fault

With the help from the police and the council we were in a hostel for a while, then tempirary accomidation and now in a private rent. I left everything behind

What made me leave is the fear of my children turning into their father and me. Acceoting abusive behaviour or being abusive.

My mum was absusive, his dad was too. Looking back it wasnt surprising i didnt know any other type of "love" but i didnt want that for my kids

You can leave and i promise you you will be okay, youll be far happier and healthier than you are now