3 hours till he leaves for work and I need the toilet

[SorryZac]

I had a lovely time today with LO. We went to some soft play place. It was a last min invite from a friend. She was there with her 4 kids and OH. My LO had a wonderful time playing with my friends children. When it was time to go they asked if we'd like to join them for a bite to eat, I declined but they insisted on us coming so we went and again LO had a lovely time throughout it I just kept looking at his face and he was just so happy.

I was so envious of my friend she has a lovely life, I know she has struggles but she has a husband who is always there for her. I was watching him with the kids, hes just proactive and a doer.

Anyway me and LO got home about an hour ago. I had a shower and went up only to find my OH was still asleep. He went to bed at 8am(works nights). This is what he does unless I tell him to get up. His priority is sleep. Any time he has off is spent sleeping or watching tiktok. He looks at me then says come and give me a kiss I said no you dont smell very nice atm.

Anyway he went to the toilet then, then comes and sits on the sofa and starts rubbing his face against me, I moved my body away. He does it again and again and I'm asking him to stop but he just keeps doing it to the point where I'm having to really push him away and shout and I can feel my eyes watering because hes not listening, my LO grabs my hand at this point and says something and I calm down and OH backs off. I said to OH why I didnt like what he was doing, he then proceeded to swear at me and call me am idiot, so I said your a 40 year old man calling me an idiot cz I didn't want to kiss you or want you to touch me because you have morning breath and crap on your face. He then kept saying shut the fuck up and kicked me in my knee. I took LO and said all because I didn't want you to touch me you kicked me for no reason, he then got the half eaten cereal bowl LO had and told me to fuck off and threatened to throw it at me. I just came straight upstairs with LO. I hate that LO was wiping my tears and saying 'dont be cry mummy'.
Hes ruined our lovely day as always.

I need the toilet but I'm going to have to go downstairs past him, which I really dont want to do.

It's horrific if you will lose your family and your friends. I am sorry to hear that. Did you marry for love? It may be helpful to think about the risks of losing yourself and the behaviours your ds is witnessing and learning.

As a parent of grown up children, my love for them is unconditional. Under no circumstances would I stand by and let a pig of a partner slowly destroy either them for the sake of "respectability" and believe me I am a hardened pearl clutcher.

Go free op. Go well. Be whole and happy and find a better destiny.

Bless you. You deserve so much better than that - whilst it may feel like you'll have nothing to start with, long term you'll have everything and be aeay from someone who clearly doesnt deserve you. Please reach out and contact a charity or someone who can help you. You wont be alone

@RosesAndHellebores

If only I had a mum like you 💚

I would advice keeping all your online or phone activity on secure privacy settings if you're collecting evidence and making plans to leave. You do not want him to access this.

Do not tell him you want out, even if it feels tempting during a row. I hope you can find the strength to do this x

@SorryZac I'm sorry you don't but whilst none of us can change our parents, we can make sure our children experience a different sort of parenting and let that positivity seep into the lives of our grandchildren. Don't rinse and repeat.

Wishing you so much strength. It is hard to break away, and it is hard to stay away.
But it is much harder to stay, and have your hope and soul crushed day after day.

Dear @SorryZac, I have never urged anybody on MN to leave their partner, so I do not do this lightly, but you must leave this relationship. And leave as soon as you can.

You already do not sound happy - and to be frank if your relationship cannot make you happy you have a right to find happiness; worse still his behaviour on the couch verges on being sexually predatory, and his swearing, kicking and threatening are physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. Nobody should live with a person who calls them an idiot.

This is so damaging for you, and for LO. You both deserve better.

I realise it will be a very hard time ahead, and I wish I could take you into my home and give you fresh bedding and milky sweet tea. But in some ways you will not be starting anew: it sounds like your real life is your life just you and LO, and that you prefer that.

I hope your lovely-sounding friend and other friends and family can support you through this.
Take good care.

@Newbabynewhouse possibly because when you're being abused you don't always see it, especially if you dint have support IRL. So she's turned to us for support.

Oh, OP.

Your post brought back such memories for me, not about a former husband, but my father. My sibling and I eventually laughed about this as adults, but at the time it wasn't funny: nowhere close. When we'd been out on the town we used to catch the last bus home together and to straight up to our rooms, as our abusive, nasty, argumentative father would be downstairs, and by that time of night in no state for us to want a conversation. The upstairs of that house had a small bathroom with a sink and a bath, but no loo. One day out of the blue we asked each other: 'Did you used to pee in the sink to avoid going down there?' Turns out we both did.

Awful. Not even funny, although we both laughed. Too afraid to even go downstairs for a wee in case we provoked the maniac down there who had sired us (because he was certainly no father).

Our mother should have protected us from that: should have left him. It would have left her in a horribly vulnerable position if she had: she was determined she should stand by her marriage vows because I'd said as a young child how bad it would be for those whose parents were divorced, and because of Boiling Frog Syndrome. We couldn't see we were victims. But my mother, much as I loved her, should have, and that realization really hurts: however close we may have been she failed me.

It took me until the onset of middle age before I truly confronted how badly our father had abused me (serious abuse; on one occasion I ended up with concussion. The fucker could have killed me, that is no exaggeration).

Please don't let your children be like me and my lovely sibling. We deserved better, and so do they

Sorry .. my last post was a bit insensitive, but I genuinely thought it was joke.. I'm sorry. I just probably wouldn't put up with this do assumed it was wind up.. but I know some people find it difficult to leave .. I hope you get help OP but know this is not love and not OK or normal.....

@Newbabynewhouse

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

You don't understand how insidious this form of abuse can be; how difficult it is to look yourself in the face and recognise you're a victim. The mind is a strange entity and will figure out ways to protect itself: one of those ways is one of the biggest enemies of human survival there is. Denial.

Once the scales have fallen from your eyes it's a hell of a thing to process. And amounts to one of the most painful realizations there is.

OP has now reached that stage and needs help, not censure.

@ConservatoryHell

If you have an empty plastic box you could wee in that and tip it out the window.

Tip it out the window over his head when he leaves.

No don't do that, but he fucking deserves it.

Call the police. Do not put up with that kind of behaviour. You don't deserve it, and neither does your little one deserve to be witnessing that.

Just noticed you have been gathering shit over time. That's great to hear. Please reach out for more support though so you can get moving faster.

Try not to think too much about the future. Easier said than done I know. But try baby steps. You've done a few steps already by recognising what's happening, and gathering documents etc. Next step call the police and or women's aid. Then you will know what the next step is and just keep moving one step at a time.

Sorry you're having to deal with this

That feeling of joy and lightness you had today, that you also have when he is safe at work. You can feel like that all the time if you leave.

@Newbabynewhouse are you serious? Have a bit of compassion and realise that not every situation is easy to resolve immediately. It takes courage and strength especially when a child is involved. If you haven’t got anything helpful to say, don’t post.

@SorryZac I hope you and your LO can find a safe and calm environment very soon. X

So sorry OP you need to phone the police

@pastabest

That feeling of joy and lightness you had today, that you also have when he is safe at work. You can feel like that all the time if you leave.

I remember that too. That was my childhood. The worst of it is that you know it isn't going to last. When my father was there, his presence was like a pregnant thundercloud and you never knew when it was going to burst. Anything could trigger it, including making the slightest noise when he was watching TV. Even now the signature music of 'Grandstand' makes me feel nauseous (though thankfully you don't hear it all that often these days). It meant an afternoon of whispering and tiptoeing around the house in case we poked the bear and got some awful abuse for our mistake.

Horrible way to live. It fucked up the way I formed relationships and related to other adults for decades.

OP I second/third/fourth the former advice to call the police without hesitation should you feel fear like that again.

I will have to leave my family and friends and start a new life and never have contact with them.

If that's what it takes, that's what it takes. Perhaps you and your LO would have to go into a shelter for a while. If you're not ready to do that yet, at least start mentally preparing.

Op just want to say this was me 6 years ago. I had a lot of help from MN (have since name changed) and I am very happy and free now. It wasn't easy but you can do it. Your posts take me back right into it and how it felt . I have one child too and we are very content and happy now and she is thriving in a calm home.

@SorryZac
Very sorry you are suffering like this
But why would you have to leave your family if you divorced your husband?
That doesn’t normally happen?

It is always very sad when a marriage breaks down.

Kicking you is not on, nor is threatening to throw stuff at you.

Where I lived there was a dv one stop shop and a lady there helped me enormously .

I also found it very helpful to keep a record on my phone (be careful) of what happened, what he said, so that when I was questioning leaving as he was being ok, I could read back over it. It didn't take long to be quite a list. I also kept a diary for a bit and have kept it. Unfortunately dd found it the other day and was absolutely horrified. I can't bring myself to read it again quite yet.

People who post on MN really do help and talk sense. Keep posting and starting threads, it will help give you clarity. I wouldn't have left I don't think without it as I was so confused about what my marriage was.

OP I hope you are ok.

My ex was not so much physically abusive but without a doubt he was mentally and emotionally.

One day he went to work and I called my dad to come over and help me pack, my LO was 1.5 years oops then.

Firstly, is there a container you can use to pee in, and like others have said, chuck it away? And secondly, is there anyone you can fully trust and call them to help you pack yours and LO’s things? (when your partner goes to work).

With this all said, if at any moment you believe it’s only going to get much worse and escalate with your partner in the house, please call the police. It’s for yours and your child’s safety.

hugs hang in there. This will get better.

You need to go to the police love.

Oh OP, I haven’t RTFT but I have read your updates. This man sounds vile. You deserve better and so does your beautiful child. Who was the friend you were out with today? Is she close? Would she support you if you made a plan to leave?
You say that you’d have to leave your family and friends behind but why is this the case? Is it that they wouldn’t support you?
I think you must know that this is not a normal way to be living. You need to continue making quiet plans to leave ASAP. If you’re in danger or you feel like he might harm you, please call 999.

How are you now @SorryZac?