be honest, were you madly in love with the father of your dcs or did you "settle"?

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Done a name change here. I've been thinking about this a lot recently given unpleasant things going on in my life and friends' lives
I have some friends who married their dhs because they genuinely adored them, just like in the fairy tales. However, I have others who were in their mid thirties, wanted kids and decided to hitch their star to guys who - if we're honest - they would not have stood for a decade earlier. If I'm really truthful that goes for me as well, if I'd been with my dh aged 25, he would have got the boot after a couple of years, but because my clock was starting to tick I decided to stay with him and make the best of what we had and as a result we do have two beautiful dds whom I wouldn't be without for anything but I can't say we have the happiest marriage on the planet. But if I hadn't had babies with him I might have ended up like several of my friends who missed the boat entirely or are having IVF and are in a very bad place indeed. Plus, I've seen friends who married deeply in love become disillusioned over the years anyway and suffer terrible heartbreak when the man they married turned out to be not quite what they expected. Just wondering what anyone else thinks.

Having started this, I said "be honest" in the title and agree with franny and some others that those who have settled are less likely to come on here and fess up than those loved up, therefore not representative. Also it's clear reading the threads the younger mnetters are more likely to be "in love". It's all making me think a lot, I was madly in love with dh once but not by the time we had children and two dcs under three as this thread is reassuring me, is a huge strain.

I definatly settled, something which I am determined to never do again, although I suspect that this is making it harder for me to even meet anyone nevermind have a relationship.

Goodness, I'm genuinly amazed at all he 'madly in love's I don't think I'm the type. dh is much more romantic than I will ever be.

I wasn't madly in love with dh. But we're settled. He drives me insane a lot of the time and vice versa. We have our ups and downs but have always managed to get through the downs and still married after 15yrs.

PS I couldn't be 100 per cent honest myself, had to change my name before posting

Well I don't know about the 'young' mumsnetters.....
I fell for DH almost imediately and I can still remember with goosebumps the first time he kissed me.
I was 27 , he was 20 and that was nearly 20 years ago.
WE have three children. the hardest time was when DS2 regressed into severe autism and yet we worked through those years always trying to be kind to each other.
He is a gorgeous man, a fanatstic father and I am very very lucky.
And believe me I kissed a lot of frogs.
Never would have believed in the dewey eyed love thing but we have that . But layered upon that is a huge dollop of mutual respect and a lifelong friendship.
I think you need all three.

Have only ever been totally head over heels in love with one person, things didnt work out.. too young, dift countries etc and i often think about him and 'what if.'

i do love dh but find being married to him pretty had work sometimes.. often wonder if i would have been happier had i married the one that got away, guess I'll never know

Madly in love. Perfect fit. I was definitely in the "tick tock" stage at 33 when we met but the fall into love with him was virtually immediate and complete.

6.5 yrs on and with a 2 yo dd, it's not fireworks and racing hearts but we still fit perfectly together.

madly in love. he's my first and only love, and turned out to be the great Dad i knew he would too.

does 25 count as a 'young' mumsnetter? i do hope so!

we have been together for 9yrs, and i still adore him.

I was madly in love. Married very quickly, got pregnant very quickly.

Still love him deep down I think but some days I can t even look at him without wanting to take his head off.

I don t think being in love is a constant thing. I think it comes in cycles. Sometimes you really can t stand the sight of them and then a couple of months later you can t imagine how you could have felt like that.

Cant stand the sight of him. The sound of him breathing winds me up.
Dumped him after 4 months. He begged me to reconsider. Dumped him again after 5 months, and then found out I was pregnant. Have since had another and we are splitting after Christmas.

I settled - knew I shouldn't have done even at the time!
14 years on met the man who was made for me, left ex-h and now realise what it's like to be head over heels with your soul mate.

Madly in love.

I have always thought that more people settle than marry for true love. Just from seeing relationships around me, friends and family. I know a few women who care about their children far more than their partners which I think is sad. Don't get me wrong, I would die for dc's and they are definately the best thing we have done but we put each other first.

Oh dear- this thread has left me feeling rather sad.

I'm afraid I'm in the "settled" cmap.

Was in love when we married & for a long time after. Now (15 years) I would be sad if he wasn't there & he's a great Dad to the DD's but there's no spark ,no intimacy.He is a very solitary person& has no "need" to be with me which I used to find upseting but now accept. He is great at helping out with practical things (when asked) will get the kids from school/cook supper etc & has been very supportive with my work. But I dread the day the last DD leaves home, god knows wht we will do as they are the glue keeping us together & we have nothing in common.

I have often said as long as he had a house-keeper who would occasionally shag him I don't think he'd really notice I was here.

I always swore I'd stick with marriage thorugh thick & thin & I have but sometimes I ache with lonliness when I read of the affection you loved-up ones have & the companionship. DH is not a violent man or a drunk & he cares for us all in his own way but he is an emotionally constipated individual as a result of his ex-pat upbringing/family turmoils/ boarding school background I feel.

Off to find a drink I think!!

Me on mn, dh in living room, sometimes he's on the computer & I'm in the living room. Very occasionally we end up in bed at the same time....
What happened along the way? Stresses & strains?

I am in love but not madly, i'm too tired

Take all the stress away like a nights stay in a hotel and we r usually back on track.

madly in love, still am after 21 years. still have to work at it though..we have out ups and downs like everyone else

yes madly in love and did not settle - although did think i might have to before i met dh ...

I could never abide dating anyone for which there is no physical attraction.

So yes, with my dh, there was physical attraction, meeting of minds ... but most importantly, he felt so RIGHT. As if slipping into a comfortable pair of arms to love and protect.

But it is only now, having seen him work toillessly without complaint, keeping the ship steady for both of us during my dd's health problems, even when I was freaking out, struggling with me through dcs' sleepless nights, being a father and husband through thick and thin - this is LOVE writ large.

Tried and tested through the passage of time.

Madly in love. Met at 19, maried at 21. He was heart flippingly, gorgeous, loveley and I wanted no other.

Had ds at 26.

We have ups and downs, and I agree I think good times come in cycles. Now I know what people meant when they said "you have to work at a marriage" when I was 19 I had no idea what they were on about