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Original poster

be honest, were you madly in love with the father of your dcs or did you "settle"?

171 replies

redwhiteandblue · 11/12/2007 11:10

Done a name change here. I've been thinking about this a lot recently given unpleasant things going on in my life and friends' lives
I have some friends who married their dhs because they genuinely adored them, just like in the fairy tales. However, I have others who were in their mid thirties, wanted kids and decided to hitch their star to guys who - if we're honest - they would not have stood for a decade earlier. If I'm really truthful that goes for me as well, if I'd been with my dh aged 25, he would have got the boot after a couple of years, but because my clock was starting to tick I decided to stay with him and make the best of what we had and as a result we do have two beautiful dds whom I wouldn't be without for anything but I can't say we have the happiest marriage on the planet. But if I hadn't had babies with him I might have ended up like several of my friends who missed the boat entirely or are having IVF and are in a very bad place indeed. Plus, I've seen friends who married deeply in love become disillusioned over the years anyway and suffer terrible heartbreak when the man they married turned out to be not quite what they expected. Just wondering what anyone else thinks.

OP posts:
SilentBite · 11/12/2007 12:44

actually 18 years

FrannyandZooey · 11/12/2007 12:45

chose as good father and person to settle down with

mostly a good choice

FrannyandZooey · 11/12/2007 12:51

Oh I did love him btw

but would not have chosen / stuck with other than to have a family

I am not ashamed to admit that, why should I be? People seem to make a right hash of their lives sometimes when they pursue love - I know I have been in some desperately damaging relationships because I was hooked on the person

myjobismum · 11/12/2007 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DANCESwithHughJackman · 11/12/2007 12:53

I love my dh deeply, together we do make an excellent pair. I'm not sure about the phrase 'madly in love' it sounds like that first year when you just can't keep your hands off each other and talk about everything. Now we know each other so well it's a stronger, more secure love but different. Obviously having the dc makes things very different too but when we have the odd break from them it's easy to slip back into being just a couple in love, holding hands, talking about our hopes for the future...oh and the other stuff, it's amazing how fun it is to stay up late and...when you know you don't have to be up a 6am with a small child . This thread has made me think. Good OP.

Surfermum · 11/12/2007 13:06

When I was 36 I left my partner of 12 years as I wasn't prepared to settle. He was lovely, kind and funny but didn't want children. But actually looking back there was that magic ingredient missing and I'd never had been totally happy with him.

I knew I had taken a risk as at that age I may not meet someone else in time to have the children I wanted. But even so I wasn't going to grab the first male that came along, and I had my back up plan of changing career and studying again if things didn't pan out.

Then along came dh and although I had told myself that I wanted the full package, that I wouldn't compromise again and end up being so desperately unhappy again, I didn't have to make that choice - dh was everything I wanted and yes, I was madly in love with him - and as much as he irritates the hell out of me now , when all the stresses and strains of daily life are taken away he's still my lovely dh and I still love him madly.

WhenScoobyGotStuckUpTheChimney · 11/12/2007 13:08

I was madly in love, i had fallen for dp hook, line & sinker, still madly in love but he does get on my tits sometimes

pantoinghousewife · 11/12/2007 13:16

Well Scooby, at least he still makes an effort

AnneMayesR · 11/12/2007 13:27

Madly in love.

LadyOfWassail · 11/12/2007 13:28

Very much settled. DH and I both agree if it wasn't for DS, the house and the fact we are married we wouldn't be together. Most the time it is perfect, but when it isn't it's pretty bad. But, better the devil you know.

JustSettled · 11/12/2007 13:29

I just settled. I'm sorry I feel the need to change my name, being a wimp really. Time was ticking, I got pregnant, planned to, then we got married. There have been moments whne I've thought I'm in love with him, but this is more wishful thinking than anything else because I haven't ever really been in love with him, wish I had. You're all very lucky. I sometimes feel love for him, and he is a good father. Our children adore him. I have no idea what the future holds.
We have beautiful children whom I adore, and I wouldn't swap that for the world.

LadyOfWassail · 11/12/2007 13:30

OTOH, we have only been married 2 years and 2 weeks so maybe we are still geting into the swing of it all... who knows.

Iklboo · 11/12/2007 13:32

I still AM in love with him and still get the squishy warm feeling inside when I see him.
I'd "settled" before (though no children) and he turned out to be King Twunty Twunt of the Twunter people.

francagoestohollywood · 11/12/2007 13:38

I was deeply in love with dh, so much so that I made the decision to move to another country (the UK) to be with him without considering the problems I might have to face. I am not madly in love now. I'm happy and serene, and he is a great father and a fantastic partner.
And agree with fennel, being "madly in love" has broken my heart, at least once. which is enough.

readinginbed · 11/12/2007 13:40

so many of my friends are in their thirties and single, and not meeting any nice men. TBH i think if i were in that position i would definitely have gone for the first reasonably OK man and got knocked up. As it was i was desperate for a baby from age of 25, went on internet dating and met my DH who am madly in love with, but would have embraced single motherhood in a second if hadn't been lucky to find him. Totally illogical but felt so driven to just have babies. A friend of mine is a single mother at 43 of a sperm donor baby and she has no regrets at all. I think i would prefer to bring baby up alone, with sister and mother helping, than put up with husband i didn't love. But i would definitely do WHATEVER IT TOOK to have a baby. Sympathise with those who have to make that choice.

3JinglesandnoBells · 11/12/2007 13:49

I was in love and still love my dh now, and we had rough times, but because we are really good friends above anyhting else, I think our marriage survived it all!
I do love my dh differently now...but I assume that is pretty normal...I mean, you can't stay on cloud 9 forever, right...

thehollyandtheivy · 11/12/2007 13:52

I did the madly in love thing and got my heart well and truly broken. Then I met the man who was to be my husband. It wasn't love at first sight by any means, he freely admits he didn't really like me the first time he met me. But he is a brilliant father and husband and is such a good man. It's been commented on by my family that I settled, and maybe to some extent I did, but I'm happier now and more content than I ever was with previous partner. I have a sister a year older who is still waiting for Mr Perfect, she's not getting any younger and I fear may never now be a mother.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 11/12/2007 13:57

I met dh when I was 17, he was 18. We were madly in love and still are at age 30. We planned ds at age 27.

I think if I was single now, I would be looking more for someone to settle with, someone with a home, good job and to care for me. Sounds old fashioned really, but it would be what I would look for.

OrmIrian · 11/12/2007 14:00

Oh yes 3jingles, being 'really good friends' is more important than anything else.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 11/12/2007 14:09

I love him to bits but much of what Mellow said. Obsession not a good thing; very detrimental long term and causes damaging falls from pedestals!

We have also been through a lot. When we look back at the 13 years we've been together, there has been some BIG potentially life changing drama, every single year of it the vast majority of which we have had no control over. I would settle for boring any day.

And having an SN child together that even professional respite carers find hard to handle is not the best recipe for a good marriage. But we manage. And we love each other. That's enough.

yorkshirepudding · 11/12/2007 14:11

Message withdrawn

lisalisa · 11/12/2007 14:16

Message withdrawn

dizietsma · 11/12/2007 14:35

Madly in love. But, we married when I was 22 and he was 19 so I never had to get to the clock ticking stage, thank god! If I had got to that point I'd probably just go visit a sperm bank though. My parent's disastrous marriage was enough to convince me that bad marriage is far worse than no marriage.

Gledhill · 11/12/2007 14:35

redwhiteandblue I have many friends in their late 30's settling ... yup because the biological clock is ticking really loud. I think it's great if you can find your soul mate and have a life full of passion and love and friendship... but for some the draw of wanting children is huge.

Also have friends with children from a previous marriage who settle too... they ARE happy but the relationship is more of companionship.

Iota · 11/12/2007 14:46

I love my dh and couldn't have found a better partner (and believe me I did a fair amount of looking )

He has just been away for 10 days and I am soooooooooooooooooooooo pleased to have him home again.

We've been together for 16 happy years.

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