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Original poster

be honest, were you madly in love with the father of your dcs or did you "settle"?

171 replies

redwhiteandblue · 11/12/2007 11:10

Done a name change here. I've been thinking about this a lot recently given unpleasant things going on in my life and friends' lives
I have some friends who married their dhs because they genuinely adored them, just like in the fairy tales. However, I have others who were in their mid thirties, wanted kids and decided to hitch their star to guys who - if we're honest - they would not have stood for a decade earlier. If I'm really truthful that goes for me as well, if I'd been with my dh aged 25, he would have got the boot after a couple of years, but because my clock was starting to tick I decided to stay with him and make the best of what we had and as a result we do have two beautiful dds whom I wouldn't be without for anything but I can't say we have the happiest marriage on the planet. But if I hadn't had babies with him I might have ended up like several of my friends who missed the boat entirely or are having IVF and are in a very bad place indeed. Plus, I've seen friends who married deeply in love become disillusioned over the years anyway and suffer terrible heartbreak when the man they married turned out to be not quite what they expected. Just wondering what anyone else thinks.

OP posts:
darlink · 12/12/2007 12:47

I have never sworn before on mumsnet, but WTF is going on here?????
Please speak out all you not madly in love folks.

Surely the responses here are not representative?I honestly can't believe what I am reading.

I am very envious and am seriously questioning my relationship with dh, the father of my 3 wonderful kidders.

themulledsnowmanneredjanitor · 12/12/2007 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shrinkingsagpuss · 12/12/2007 13:04

Darlink, I agree,there seem to be a lot of loved up people. Perhaps posting taht you "settled" is too hard for people?
I didn't settle for DH cooz of children - I had never been in love, and really didn't know what it felt like - I was very happy with him. Now, with 2 DC's I realise why I probably shouldnt have married him. Neither of us can afford to leave, but right now it is pretty crap.

I take hope from Oliveoil - DD is 4 months old, and DS is nearly 3, it has to get better eventually.

themulledsnowmanneredjanitor · 12/12/2007 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrannyandZooey · 12/12/2007 13:10

yes I don't think people are wanting to say that they were not madly in love (I have said it)

quite a few posters have implied there's something wrong with not waiting for someone to fall madly in love with, so people may not want to be honest after reading that

gingerninja · 12/12/2007 13:15

I was just about to write literally the same post as themulledsnowmanneredjanitor about being deeply in love not madly as that sounds a bit Mills and Boons for me. I've been with my DH for 14 years and for the 13 yrs before DD was born he was the first thing I thought of in the morning and my last thought before going to sleep. (These days he's only just pipped to the post by my DD but generally that's because she's poking me in the eye or something)

Obviously love changes over time so I'd be suprised if anyone felt exactly the same after a few years of being together but that's not a bad thing. I love my DH deeper today than I did 14 years ago that's for sure

shrinkingsagpuss · 12/12/2007 13:16

I think there has to be a question about how you know you are really in love? I felt very safe with DH, he is a lot older than me, and the sex was good, and he was kind and attentive. After a string of crap boyfriends he was wonderful, and the first to challenge me intellectually too.

Now, sex is non existant, he thinks i'm dull coz I'm at home all day. He's not safe anymore, he spends more than we have, and behaves more llike a child than my 2.11 yr old.

... but there are days when I remember why I married him, and we laugh, and we like all the same things again, and he's lovely with my children (despite a dodgy start with DD)

pantoinghousewife · 12/12/2007 13:16

I don't think it's shocking at all. If everyone reacted the same to every situation, kind of like the stepford wives, then yes it would be shocking.
I do think though, that the younger you are when you met your other half, the more likely you are to have been madly in love (note I said likely), looking through here I notice, I was quite late to meet my other half. Let's face it for some people, your first true love (don't mean first boyfriend) is always the most mad thing ever. Anything after that (according to this thread) is settling. But I don't feel like I settled, settled brings to mind, making do etc. It's way more complex than that.

shrinkingsagpuss · 12/12/2007 13:16

God taht sounds really sad

pantoinghousewife · 12/12/2007 13:18

Why?

HappyChristmasWalrusIsOver · 12/12/2007 13:19

Madly in love

I have had some shitty relationships in the past

With DP it was didffernt, it wasn; the all consuming teenage style infatuation I had had in the past (mainly with wankers) but it weas still heavy in the first few years. He was alos the first person I could imagine having children with

1st year of DS1's life was HARD but oin the whole, I still think we feel the same as we did in the first few months of our realtiuonships (but perhaps with less shagging, because we jusdt don;t have the time ffs)

I love my relatrionship with DP, it has it's momnets, but he makes me laugh and we are equals

bozza · 12/12/2007 13:20

Don't get me wrong dumbledore - I do love DH - but I am not as obsessed with him as I once was. I wonder if I am obsessed with my children - which might sound odd as I am not a SAHM, but I do spend a lot of time thinking about them and how they are developing and decisions I make regarding them. But obviously at some point I will also have to let this obsession go.

expatinscotland · 12/12/2007 13:21

I don't believe in mad love.

I tried it once and it was disastrous.

NO, thanks!

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 12/12/2007 13:22

The madly in love stuff to me is bollocks.

I wholeheartedly love my dp, I watch him sometimes and smile about how great I think he is, I still get overwhelmed by how much he 'gets me', I miss him when he isn't around etc etc. But I wouldn't say we were 'madly in love' like a couple of teenagers.

With my first two children, I fell pg at 19, I stayed with their dad because I thought I could make it work, 6 years and another child later I ended it. I was prepared to settle but he really took the piss, so I didn't.

Now I'm glad I didn't settle.

Anna8888 · 12/12/2007 13:24

LOL VictorianSqualor.

When we stay with my parents, my mother calls me and my partner "you two teenagers" because we are so obviously madly in love.

We are 42 and 41, BTW.

OrmIrian · 12/12/2007 13:25

Same here bozza. If I'm 'madly in love' with anyone it's with my DCs. And Dh has had to take a back seat for a while. I know he resents that a little but we do make the effort to spend time together. With 3 of the and both of us working it's hard. He's still as in love with me as ever which is nice but I sometimes wish he wasn't.

If I'm honest I'd love to feel the way I used to about him but there's not a lot I can do about that. I treat him with affection and respect and let him know I love him. What more can I do?

monkeybutler · 12/12/2007 13:25

Madly in love, moved in together after 3 weeks, married within a year, got pregnant on honeymoon and again when DD was 6 months old Now have adorable 4 and 3 years old DD and DS. Hard work, with small kids, we have been parents all our married life and do miss time together. I work evenings and weekends, he works days - dont get enough time together to fall out. Sex when we have it is fab and he tells me a lot how much he loves me and what a good mum I am.

I think I would have settled in my thirties just to have kids though - glad I found my soulmate aged 27!!

pantoinghousewife · 12/12/2007 13:27

This is kind of my point, expat, I wouldn't have wanted to marry either of the two men I fell madly, passionately in love with, (one at 19 and the other at 23). And inbetween that I married a man I thought I could settle with and guess what, it lasted less than a year. One was a feckless good time, slacker and the other couldn't keep his penis from slipping into other women.
Dh on the other was a dangerous enough to be exciting (fnarr) but, safe enough to be the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 12/12/2007 13:27

I know dp's mum has said she gets all soppy when she sees us together and catches 'a look' or something but I still wouldn't say 'madly in love'

I think we love each other mroe now than when we met, but 'madly in love' to me just has bad connotations.

I agree with expat, 'madly in love' is usually disastrous, or is that 'teenage obsessive first love'

Anna8888 · 12/12/2007 13:30

Oh, I'm definitely madly in love and was never as madly in love as before meeting my partner/father of my child. He was just the one. Love at first sight (first second).

gingerninja · 12/12/2007 13:33

But all relationships change as you get older. I'm more appreciative of friends and family. I'm less confrontational with my mother. I understand my father better. I could go on. that is a fact of life, we change, so does everyone else, some grow together some grow apart I don't think being together and not having the same relationship as when you started is settling.

shrinkingsagpuss · 12/12/2007 13:50

Pantoing housewife my post not yours!! I re read what I had written and realised how it sounded!!

KaySamuels · 12/12/2007 13:59

Madly in love and still swoon now! Had the hold post natal bad patch tho! Can't imagine 'settling' with who I had kids with tbh.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 12/12/2007 14:01

I was very, very mad about Ds1's dad. Having met him this morning for the first time in 3 years, I can safely say I am not any more. But I can see why I was if that makes sense.
Ds2's dad was a plonker and still is as far as I know, never loved him, never will...

So I am still waiting for the proper Mr FA to turn up.

I am loving the irony of the festive sad.!

fourboys · 12/12/2007 14:02

The only benefit of being madly in love in my experience is weight loss!! all the heightened emotion and nervous energy! My dp was my best friend and weekend sleeping partner when I wasnt hooked up in 'mad love' with the latest beau. lucky for me I became pregnant and we decided to give it a go..... 12yrs and four children later he's still my best friend and sleeping partner!! And he makes me happy because of it. So did I settle? If I did I'm glad as he's turned out the best thing that ever happened to me...

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