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Original poster

Finances - have I been taken for a ride?

88 replies

Raspberries36 · 27/10/2021 08:28

Been in a LTR but tenancy has always been in my name as I like to stay independent. For some reason partner never likes to talk about money. He has recently had a large payrise and earns at least a third more than me. Also has big savings for a potential property buy for us both, which he often talks about. This has been what has kept my head in the sand I suppose, as I knew he’d be the one putting the deposit down (something which he knows I can’t afford).

However I’ve just started to realise how I’m having to increase my overdraft regularly as I pay out the rent and council tax and he gives me a small lump sum monthly and pays for my car and the upkeep of that plus holidays (UK only).

I’ve said to him that I think we need to sit down and look at finances as it’s starting to feel unfair. I’ve realised I have spent over two thirds more on rent and council tax in the last two years than him. I have a child so I initially felt I should be paying more as we need two bedrooms etc.

I’m feeling so cross at myself that I haven’t saved any money and that I’m living in my overdraft. I could go for a cheaper place but he is reluctant as he has everything he needs where we currently live (lots of space benefits) and child loves it too.

Feeling quite stupid and confused about how this has happened. We’re going to have a talk about this when he gets his new increased pay check but even then he said he’s feeling apprehensive and hates money talk.

Have I been a fool?

OP posts:
Ugzbugz · 27/10/2021 08:30

So he'siving cheaply so he can squirrel away savings?

What was the plan for buying somewhere, in both names? But yes he's totally mugging you off.

gamerchick · 27/10/2021 08:31

You live together?

There's no way you should be getting into debt while he saves. Just no.

Course he hates money talk, he's a tight git.

gamerchick · 27/10/2021 08:32

Tell him you can't afford to live with him and he needs to move out if he's not prepared to put more in the pot.

IslaPineappple · 27/10/2021 08:33

Yes you have.

Time for change.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 27/10/2021 08:35

Yes you are being taken for a ride

And yes it would be uncomfortable for him to talk about money Grin as it will become obvious he is using you!

He should pay at least 1/3 of rent, council tax, all bills (has, water, WiFi), plus 1/3 of all food shops

DrManhattan · 27/10/2021 08:36

Hes hedging his bets

Salayes · 27/10/2021 08:37

How much is this monthly sum in comparison to all the household outgoings? Is it a third of it all? Who is paying for other bills like the food shop, utilities and broadband etc? It’s not just rent and council tax is it? Is he paying towards those costs?

BloomingTrees · 27/10/2021 08:37

Yes you need to talk to him about your long-term plans.
Will the house you buy be in both your names ?

HollowTalk · 27/10/2021 08:39

1/3 of food? That would depend on whether the OP and her child eat 2/3. I think that's very unlikely.

2020isnotbehaving · 27/10/2021 08:39

He can be apprehensive as he likes, this is real life boring essential stuff you can’t ignore. I can see your argument about provide room for child but a 2 bed is normally not that more expensive than a 1 bed. The fact he doesn’t want a smaller place should also mean he need give more towards rent. All well saying you pay 60/40 rent but if you can’t afford it on larger place somethings got to give.

How much are bills you are paying how much is car and lump sum from him?

Lordamighty · 27/10/2021 08:39

Unfortunately yes you have been a fool. All his savings, which he has accumulated at your expense, are in his name. He will be in a position to buy a property, not you.
Why are you paying two thirds of the council tax, children are not liable for council tax, he should be paying half, same for rent.
Call his bluff, you can’t afford to stay where you are, he needs to step up & pay half of everything. The only thing he shouldn’t contribute to is your child’s living expenses.
Children don’t contribute to rent or council tax because they don’t have any income, a decent man would not need this pointing out to him.

Lordamighty · 27/10/2021 08:41

Of course he doesn’t want to talk about money, he doesn’t want you to rumble his massive cheekyfuckery.

Original poster
Raspberries36 · 27/10/2021 08:42

So he pays gas and electric for bills which is about 115 a month and I pay internet. I’d say outgoings are £2000/2100 for rent/council and food and he’s giving me a quarter of that

OP posts:
Original poster
Raspberries36 · 27/10/2021 08:43

Yes the house would be in both our names

OP posts:
2020isnotbehaving · 27/10/2021 08:43

I’d also want frame it as you want put down a good chunk of a deposit on new home. You can’t do this if he’s cheerfully saving what he doesn’t give you and you use all yours for bills. He can walk off with it all, you can’t take back what you have paid. There also the emotional “I’m paying the deposit” hold but unless you can see what he is saving in shared account this is not much more than fantasy at this stage!

TheQueef · 27/10/2021 08:44

Yep you've been a fool and he's greedy (at best) sat on savings while you need to borrow.

girlmom21 · 27/10/2021 08:44

He's taking the piss big time. I don't think you should be paying extra because you have a child either.

You're choosing to live as a family so the child's living costs are covered by the adults.

BruceAndNosh · 27/10/2021 08:45

I'd also worry that a significant portion of his inadequate contribution is towards a specific item. If you split up, he might insist that he takes the car since he's been paying for it

ChaToilLeam · 27/10/2021 08:46

He is socking away money at your expense. Shame on him.

Rangoon · 27/10/2021 08:47

You were gullible. He is squirrelling money away at you and your child's expense. You aren't going to be an owner of the property he is going to buy with the money he has saved. I would get rid because while you may have been a fool he is a manipulative user. Decent men don't behave like this.

poolblue · 27/10/2021 08:48

I can see how easy it is to get into this situation as you initially wanted security for you and your child. You don't say how long this relationship has been going on but it's definitely time to discuss a new financial plan. If he's as good as his word and the new place is in joint names then I'd be ok with that but if not run for the hills. People who are tight with money never change.

Original poster
Raspberries36 · 27/10/2021 08:49

That’s what I worry about as he did buy the car and upkeeps it. I’m really screwed if he takes it

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 27/10/2021 08:49

even then he said he’s feeling apprehensive and hates money talk.

Because he knows the game is up and doesn't want a full and frank (adult, grown up) discussion about money and finances. He will end up telling you he wishes he hadn't told you about his pay rise.

He will shut down and the subject, as far as he is concerned, will be closed. He will have the gall to say or imply that you are only interested in money. Or words to that effect.

He's pretty much living off you AND saving for a house. (Which may never materialise) For himself. The savings aren't in joint names, of course are they ? Would the house be in joint names ? No, thought not. He'll play the, 'I paid the deposit' card regarding any house purchase.

When he moves out, he will be going on his own leaving you in rented accommodation with no savings living off your overdraft.

Don't let him hoodwink you any longer. I suspect he considers his income, savings etc as his not 'ours'.

Theunamedcat · 27/10/2021 08:50

He should ring-fence his deposit when you buy the house so he really isn't sacrificing anything he is gaining

Original poster
Raspberries36 · 27/10/2021 08:51

It’s been 5/6 years. Living together for 4

OP posts: