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Original poster

Finances - have I been taken for a ride?

88 replies

Raspberries36 · 27/10/2021 08:28

Been in a LTR but tenancy has always been in my name as I like to stay independent. For some reason partner never likes to talk about money. He has recently had a large payrise and earns at least a third more than me. Also has big savings for a potential property buy for us both, which he often talks about. This has been what has kept my head in the sand I suppose, as I knew he’d be the one putting the deposit down (something which he knows I can’t afford).

However I’ve just started to realise how I’m having to increase my overdraft regularly as I pay out the rent and council tax and he gives me a small lump sum monthly and pays for my car and the upkeep of that plus holidays (UK only).

I’ve said to him that I think we need to sit down and look at finances as it’s starting to feel unfair. I’ve realised I have spent over two thirds more on rent and council tax in the last two years than him. I have a child so I initially felt I should be paying more as we need two bedrooms etc.

I’m feeling so cross at myself that I haven’t saved any money and that I’m living in my overdraft. I could go for a cheaper place but he is reluctant as he has everything he needs where we currently live (lots of space benefits) and child loves it too.

Feeling quite stupid and confused about how this has happened. We’re going to have a talk about this when he gets his new increased pay check but even then he said he’s feeling apprehensive and hates money talk.

Have I been a fool?

OP posts:
Pyewackect · 28/10/2021 09:49

@gamerchick

Tell him you can't afford to live with him and he needs to move out if he's not prepared to put more in the pot.
Firstly it's her name on the tenancy ( to safeguard her independence ) so he has zero security ot tenure. It's also her child and not his. And if he does move out she'd be paying 100% of everything and will have to finance and maintain her own car. He will also have to pay for his own accommodation which will impact on his saving for a deposit, unless he buys a property in his own name - to safeguard his independence. That said, I think its always a good idea to discuss finances. Just so everybody knows where they stand.
JustKittenAround · 28/10/2021 09:52

@billy1966 exactly. No matter what, you can’t trust someone who isn’t as giving as you are. It should be automatic.

He should be trying to really pitch in given OPs sacrifices.

1MillionDollars · 28/10/2021 09:54

@JustKittenAround

Personally no. Personally I think she had the better end of the stick and I was a mug. I helped raise her 2 young kids from around 6. Autistic boy, another boy who has been stealing from people for 10 years, everyone even my kids 2 younger siblings and his autistic brother and his dads family and younger siblings.

I ferried them round to school, took them on holiday, cooked for them. I helped her through an intense masters course by dealing with the house and kids. I was the proxy between her and her ex many many times, sorted out shit she couldn't deal with with him, emotionally supported her, dealt with all her illnesses and IMO did more with the kids. She didn't like swimming, she didn't want to ride a bike (never taught by her parents) she wouldn't camp even though that was our best option financially.

Suffice to say, I will be happier and less stressed on my own but I'm the selfish one.

1MillionDollars · 28/10/2021 09:59

I think the OP knows what she needs to do but I think he's going to try toggle out of it, justify why he shouldn't pay more.

If they are a team, they should be a team. No reason why some money can't go to her so she can save towards this so called house. If all goes pear shaped, at least she will have something in the bank to show for it.

I had to squirrel away some money at the end, if I didn't I would literally have nothing to my name.

Lena007 · 28/10/2021 12:01

@JustKittenAround

Which book you are referring to?

GreenLunchBox · 28/10/2021 12:06

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

Yes you are being taken for a ride

And yes it would be uncomfortable for him to talk about money Grin as it will become obvious he is using you!

He should pay at least 1/3 of rent, council tax, all bills (has, water, WiFi), plus 1/3 of all food shops

Why a third? Surely half? Her child isn't liable for council tax for example and no doubt eats nowhere near what he does.
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 28/10/2021 12:52

He covers 1/4 of all expenses and you cover 3/4?

He is taking the piss.

Lena007 · 28/10/2021 13:07

I would say Op should cover a little bit extra for food, maybe 10%? But rent/CT/bills to be split 50/50. Unless some bills are specifically for DD such as phone, clubs, subscriptions, in which case I would expect Op to pay for these too.

BunNcheese · 28/10/2021 14:20

@Lena007

I would say Op should cover a little bit extra for food, maybe 10%? But rent/CT/bills to be split 50/50. Unless some bills are specifically for DD such as phone, clubs, subscriptions, in which case I would expect Op to pay for these too.
Cooking a meal for 2 adults and an extra child portion isn't going to make that much difference and some snacks from poundland.

I think this is a bit mean considering he can afford it. Things like this is a recipe for disaster especially if OP was to fall pregnant

Bollocks989 · 28/10/2021 16:12

Omg, just him out

JustKittenAround · 29/10/2021 02:49

[quote Lena007]@JustKittenAround

Which book you are referring to? [/quote]
The book? Like there is just ONE feminIst theory book detailing how devalued women’s labor is?

Never said ONE book because that is absurd!!!

At that point I’d beg someone to just pick up anything to do with actual feminism. The idea of one book on this is… ridiculous. The amount that has been written on this subject is staggering.

But yeah, start somewhere?

Or share your favorites! :)

JustKittenAround · 29/10/2021 02:53

[quote 1MillionDollars]@JustKittenAround

Personally no. Personally I think she had the better end of the stick and I was a mug. I helped raise her 2 young kids from around 6. Autistic boy, another boy who has been stealing from people for 10 years, everyone even my kids 2 younger siblings and his autistic brother and his dads family and younger siblings.

I ferried them round to school, took them on holiday, cooked for them. I helped her through an intense masters course by dealing with the house and kids. I was the proxy between her and her ex many many times, sorted out shit she couldn't deal with with him, emotionally supported her, dealt with all her illnesses and IMO did more with the kids. She didn't like swimming, she didn't want to ride a bike (never taught by her parents) she wouldn't camp even though that was our best option financially.

Suffice to say, I will be happier and less stressed on my own but I'm the selfish one.[/quote]
Making the same point. Your work was undervalued and appreciated. By her and by you yourself. Otherwise you’d have been hip to the game from the get go.

It isn’t anyone else’s fault that we discount our own efforts, it starts with us to appreciate our own value.

JustKittenAround · 29/10/2021 02:54

Unappreciated I mean

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