Finances - have I been taken for a ride?

[Raspberries36]

Been in a LTR but tenancy has always been in my name as I like to stay independent. For some reason partner never likes to talk about money. He has recently had a large payrise and earns at least a third more than me. Also has big savings for a potential property buy for us both, which he often talks about. This has been what has kept my head in the sand I suppose, as I knew he’d be the one putting the deposit down (something which he knows I can’t afford).

However I’ve just started to realise how I’m having to increase my overdraft regularly as I pay out the rent and council tax and he gives me a small lump sum monthly and pays for my car and the upkeep of that plus holidays (UK only).

I’ve said to him that I think we need to sit down and look at finances as it’s starting to feel unfair. I’ve realised I have spent over two thirds more on rent and council tax in the last two years than him. I have a child so I initially felt I should be paying more as we need two bedrooms etc.

I’m feeling so cross at myself that I haven’t saved any money and that I’m living in my overdraft. I could go for a cheaper place but he is reluctant as he has everything he needs where we currently live (lots of space benefits) and child loves it too.

Feeling quite stupid and confused about how this has happened. We’re going to have a talk about this when he gets his new increased pay check but even then he said he’s feeling apprehensive and hates money talk.

Have I been a fool?

Yes you have been. He's been saving his money because his living expenses are being subsidised by you. You have no claim on any deposit he may, or may not, put on a house purchase that could be in his name only. It's all very one-sided. You really need to do something about it now!

Presumably you lost out on being able to claim some benefits by him moving in with you

One thing I would like to add is that this hasn't happened by accident, he knows EXACTLY what he is doing.
It is the same story time and time again.
He will feign ignorance but I will be interested to see how keen he is on the relationship when you call him out and demand he pays his fair share. I would suspect he will be off as soon as he finds another mug (no offence) to subsidize him"!

@Raspberries36

So he pays gas and electric for bills which is about 115 a month and I pay internet. I’d say outgoings are £2000/2100 for rent/council and food and he’s giving me a quarter of that

He is taking the Michael big time.

Good grief..he has taken you for a right mug.

He has let a single mother subsidise his life style, allow him to build savings while you have to borrow money every month.

Does he know you are going into an overdraft so that he can save in his name only?

This is shocking. Time to have a fair discussion about finances and their split.

Also...him saying he hates talking money means I don't want you to realise I'm financially taking advantage of you and your child.

Of course he doesn't like talking about money! He knows what he is doing!

He either gives you more money (the equivalent of what he would have to pay elsewhere) or he goes. I doubt very much he is saving for you both.

Yes you have been taken for a ride.

If he doesn't want to talk about money, pull together an excel spreadsheet with monthly house related expenses and print it for him. I wouldn't expect you to pay more than 50% for bills and housing costs only because you have a child. He earns more. Fuck that he saves every month and you are in your overdraft. He can disappear tomorrow and you will never see any of these savings. He needs to pull his weight in and pay 50%.
Otherwise I would move to cheaper area...without him.

I think this far into a relationship the minimum he should be paying is 50/50. There’s an argument for him to pay more as he earns more, but I think that’s a matter of opinion and 50/50 wouldn’t be wrong.
You do have a child, but that doesn’t make much difference to most bills.

Why did you start off not 50/50?

I think you need to be exact about what he’s paying. You said £600 then it became £715. But you haven’t said if that includes the purchase price of the car, tax, insurance… only “upkeep”. And you may say he pays for “only U.K.” holidays - but my U.K. holiday this year cost more than some of my foreign holidays!

It’s not that I think these things are going to add up to the full missing amount - but it does help to be clear to sort this out.

Bollocks to not liking to talk about money! It’s not hard. If he won’t pay half, as a minimum, he’s taking the piss.

Hmm, it's difficult because it seems like you entered into this financial situation with taking on more responsibility, he has then just gone along with that for a cheap, easy ride. I say this based on you saying that you like to live independently and you taking on more of the financial burden because of your child. Maybe at the beginning of your relationship those were the right things to do for your dynamic and it seemed comfortable then, however you are 4 years down the line now. He is benefitting greatly to your detriment, and while you should have sorted it out sooner, you didn't. So nothing you can do about that, however moving forward you can try and get something sorted between you that is a much fairer situation.

I was totally taken for a "mug" and a "fool" financially by an ex. I ended up in a bad financial situation when I ended the relationship, and he ended up much, much better than when I met him. But sometimes we get sucked into these things and by the time we realise how unfair they are, or by the time we get the courage to sort them out, it's too late. I dont class myself as a stupid woman- i'm normally rational, sensible, level-headed. I never got anything back off my ex, and had to write it off as a costly mistake. Hopefully there is still something you can salvage here. He has the savings that you have helped build, the fair thing would be to have some of that in your name or a joint account. Give him the chance, and I hope that he does the right thing. If not, you are better out of the relationship, in a smaller flat with your DC.

Good luck.

Don’t do what I did please.

My first husband was well off and so me being from a poor family was always trying to show him it wasn’t a gold digger or whatever.

During the marriage I paid wayyyyy more than my share. He’d always refer to his money as “ours.”

Whelp, got divorced and the bastard went after my money because I earned more than him! Him with literally millions going after my meager sum! Nothing was “ours” then was it?

Don’t live for a future that might never come.

Don’t believe someone who is tight now, will ever be generous later. They won’t.

PS I know I’m in the minority but now I will not be serious or live with any man who doesn’t pay far more than me. I am very upfront about it, I don’t want to be taken in again and when a man spends his resources on you it shows his investment. My fiancé is in agreement. But I do pay for some things… I just know when the check comes he won’t ever slide it over to me expecting me to cover it….

Again I get others don’t think this is a good way to be, but it’s working out for me.

@JustKittenAround

That is bloody awful and entitled. I would never be with someone like you. That's just my opinion, you can do as you please but that just kicks women's rights and equality right into touch

As for OP. You've let him get away with it. How much more a month do you think you are paying?

Things should be fair but at the same time you child is your responsibility and something should be deducted because if that.

You don't have anything. No car, no house. If it all goes pear shaped you'll have just helped him save for his own house. Your not married e.t.c

You need to be selfish and look out for you and he needs to pay his fair share. Pin him down and say you need to talk about finances. Work everything out beforehand and then approach with a fair figure. He might say he is saving for a house for 'us' I don't know anything about your relationship but you are putting everything in the trust of him buying a house x years down the line, being together still snd putting your name on the deeds.

I looked after everything, kids, house etc so partner could study and now earns a lot. I've left with nothing, will never be stupid enough to do that again.

[quote 1MillionDollars]@JustKittenAround

That is bloody awful and entitled. I would never be with someone like you. That's just my opinion, you can do as you please but that just kicks women's rights and equality right into touch

As for OP. You've let him get away with it. How much more a month do you think you are paying?

Things should be fair but at the same time you child is your responsibility and something should be deducted because if that.

You don't have anything. No car, no house. If it all goes pear shaped you'll have just helped him save for his own house. Your not married e.t.c

You need to be selfish and look out for you and he needs to pay his fair share. Pin him down and say you need to talk about finances. Work everything out beforehand and then approach with a fair figure. He might say he is saving for a house for 'us' I don't know anything about your relationship but you are putting everything in the trust of him buying a house x years down the line, being together still snd putting your name on the deeds.

I looked after everything, kids, house etc so partner could study and now earns a lot. I've left with nothing, will never be stupid enough to do that again.[/quote]
I shall cancel our wedding then!

Oh and PS knocking women’s rights? Make me laugh harder. You can be a mug and not realize that women who have to pay half and yet do all the cleaning and unpaid work get the short end of the stick…

Go to female dating strategy and learn about actual feminism. You haven’t a clue.

Anyways my parents are going to be very sad we won’t be getting together, but I respect your decision…

Hi. I've been feeling a bit low for a number of years and am finding it a bit difficult to know what's real anymore. I've been in a 3 year relationship and, after a friend had to have a mastectomy and her husband left her. I asked my bf if he would sti love me if I had to have a mastectomy. He refused to answer. Is that a normal response if you truly love someone.

@Raspberries36

That’s what I’m feeling cross about , it’s around £600 including car but he has a really nice lifestyle for very little money.

Edge of Sky- thank you for this breakdown, will be using this when we sit down and talk. His reaction to the conversation will be an eye opener

£600 including car payments/expenses?

That would be HIS car, right?

This is getting worse and worse...

£2000 for rent and council tax is huge...I guess you are in London.

Yes, you should be paying for your child.

Car payments and upkeep could be £300 a month. Could be more (who pays insurance, petrol, tax etc?)

It sounds like you are confused about outgoings so talk it through.

It may not be unfair. What matters is what you agree going forward.

The fact he earns more than you doesn't mean he has to pay more. That's for you both to agree.

@Missnme

Hi. I've been feeling a bit low for a number of years and am finding it a bit difficult to know what's real anymore. I've been in a 3 year relationship and, after a friend had to have a mastectomy and her husband left her. I asked my bf if he would sti love me if I had to have a mastectomy. He refused to answer. Is that a normal response if you truly love someone.

You should start your own thread… your question is one that deserves its own space

@Rangoon

You were gullible. He is squirrelling money away at you and your child's expense. You aren't going to be an owner of the property he is going to buy with the money he has saved. I would get rid because while you may have been a fool he is a manipulative user. Decent men don't behave like this.

Exactly this. Its deeper than you being short changed OP. Look further up the road at his personality and how he views you long term.

@JustKittenAround

That's not my experience for the last 3 years. I did homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, school runs, homework, my work, play dates, summer holidays.

Anyway. If you can find someone that is happy with your views fair enough. You're not for me or me you It's over

@JustKittenAround

Very sensible to be be very careful when you were taken advantage of before.

I would never give a mean man 5 minutes of my time.

I was always well able to pay my way but it is very easy to spot someone who is a bit tight.

A hint of it and I wasn't interested.

My husband is extremely financially astute but hasn't a mean bone in his body.

Meanness goes to the core of a person's personality IMO.

@Yummypumpkin

This. I'd be interested to know the total amount of things he pays for.

It all needs to be laid out clearly. I've never been one for marriage but for legal reasons and protection I will advise it, especially for women.

You could end up with nothing. He might be saving for a house, but it's not yours yet. If he's thinking of a future with you, fair enough but right now you have no guarantees.

Don't let him make you feel guilty about him saving. He can pay his fair share, which means you could save, which means that can go towards the house you are SUPPOSED to get together.

[quote 1MillionDollars]@JustKittenAround

That's not my experience for the last 3 years. I did homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, school runs, homework, my work, play dates, summer holidays.

Anyway. If you can find someone that is happy with your views fair enough. You're not for me or me you It's over[/quote]
You’ve done all this work?

Has it been valued?

If so, we agree.

If not, we don’t.

Get rid of him, he is a selfish piss taker. Your child comes first.

This isn’t even about me damn. I think and I live how I want. . I am very happy.

I only speak from my experiences and offer my viewpoint (of which I stated were like,y unpopular here..given everything) if that gets anyone mad they might need to look inward. No reason to have words with me living my best life. You’re free to have your own.

Many women here discount their worth and get taken for a ride, I’m here to say it is reasonable for a man to prove his worth and even argue many men like that. The more men invest the more they treasure. It is basic psychology… Women stay trying to win over men who should be at their feet.

But OK go on with your bad selves LOL Pay for that man, clean his shitty toilet, cook his meals, and have sex with him maybe. You won the jackpot! Ha!

I’m done replying to any more chicken heads who can’t stand a different opinion, I’m about making the OP understand that her worth is enough to be earned.

Once you’re done washing that mans dirty underwear you can pick up a book and learn your efforts are worth something. I bid you g’day…