18 year old DD angry with me that I'm on a diet!

[QueenDanu]

She is a bit more overweight than I am, not much, she's taller. I'd say she's 11 and a half stone and I'm 10 and a half stone but 2 inches shorter. so not a huge difference. I watch what i eat more though. I've been low carb for a few weeks, 4, and I've lost four pounds, so it's not been all that quick, but I'm keeping going with it. She tells me every day how stupid it is that I'm low carb, how everybody at work must be laughing at my keto buns, how it's ridiculous, I'll never be thin, nobody's looking at me. Normally I just let her run out of steam but today after about 28 days of her having at least one pop at my diet per day, I snapped at her and said ''what is the matter with you? is this because you envy my willpower?''.

She has no willpower. She ordered mcdonalds for lunch. There is food in the fridge and in the cupboards, vegetables, tuna, bread, crisps. She is giving out to be that there are no dinners. There are meatballs and chicken in the fridge, frozen broccoli in the freezer.

It's ridiculous. I feel like I'm getting it in the neck night after night. She wants me to give up. Now she's stomping around nearly breaking floorboards, wailing ''why do you hate me?''.

Give me strength. It is years and years since I've commented on her weight btw, I wouldn't dare.

The only thing I comment on is her ordering takeaways for lunch. I hate that. It's a waste of money. Her money, but omg I cannot believe how casually she will order a takeaway.

Anybody had their daughter get cross when they go on a diet and want to get healthy?

I just want to eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it, the same courtesy I've extended to her for years.

She sounds jealous and bratty. Harsh but that’s what it sounds like to me.

She sounds like a brat. I wouldn't pander to her nonsense behaviour. I'd remind her that she's 18. Insecurities or not, she needs to mind how she talks to you or she can move out.

She's obviously unhappy so I would sit down with her and be more understanding. Maybe you can discuss some healthy activity that you can do together or look up tasty recipes that you can meal plan and cook? Make it fun and nice rather than something punitive.

What is her issue?
Is it that you are not cooking meals that she wants to eat?
I don't understand why she is stropping around like that.
Time to sit down with her and discuss it calmly.
If you are cooking for her and she doesn't like the meals then she should shop and cook for herself.
And the commenting on what you eat stops immediately.

After you've discussed it with her and agreed solutions (eg. she cooks her own meals) then don't engage with any comments about your diet. Completely ignore.

I think I’m your daughter in the situation. My DH has been doing the same online workout as me since COVID lockdown number 1. He does a shorter routine but does it daily. Sometimes he gets up earlier to beat me to our workout space. I’m fitter and stronger but he weighs less than me. I can’t explain it but it must be envy. I’ve taken him off my Fitbit friend list, I walk away when he talks about active minutes and steps and I’ve started secretly working out. Written down I sound mad as frog but I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve even considered putting butter in his dinner but I don’t want him to fail I want me to be successful and I’m not so I’m jealous.

Years since you commented on her weight... what do you mean by this? Also how much are you discussing diets etc?

I'd leave her be but don't comment on what she's eating as it's obviously very sensitive. Or comment on what you're eating/weight loss. Answer if she asks but don't volunteer it. I think she's upset, feeling low in herself and jealous of you.

I was about a stone overweight as a teenager (so not much but enough) and hated it. And was made much worse by my mum who would comment on food, food values, and was much thinner than me.

Well done on your weight loss though, you should be so proud of yourself! It takes real willpower and I could do with some of that just now! But I'd try and find anywhere other than your daughter to discuss/celebrate it. Even on here there's great weight loss threads! I've used some in the past (under different names)

That doesn't read very clearly, my advice is don't discuss your diet or weight loss at all with your daughter. Or her diet/food choices/weight. Unless she asks then you could answer.

I don't discuss diets at all! I don't comment on her weight!

I have just let her eat what she's going to eat and never put any pressure on her to be slimmer! It is literally years since I said anything like ''more cake?'' when she was about 13 and putting on weight I did used to say things like another sandwich half an hour after the last. More chocolate? But I stopped when I realise it had NO effect and she has just put on weight ever since. I leave her to it. It has been years since I've made any comment on her weight.

But yet, she used to sometimes cry that she was so fat. I tried to say the right thing but it was hard. Because even though the real problem is that she thinks she's fat, she'd also get annoyed with me if she came in to my room crying because she was fat and then I said 'well you could make a few gradual changes''. The only thing I'm ''allowed'' to say is ''no no no you're not fat''. But literally she is crying about being fat but I'm not allowed to say ''well, how about less snacking?''.

I just make my food. I make theirs (although they're teenagers so they don't always eat it, my DD has got in to the habit of ordering chinese food or mcdonalds instead of eating normal food.

There is food in the fridge and in the cupboards, vegetables, tuna, bread, crisps. She is giving out to be that there are no dinners. There are meatballs and chicken in the fridge, frozen broccoli in the freezer.

Have you made a change from eating the same thing together, to eating separately? Maybe she wants you to cook for her. I’m not saying you should. Just maybe that’s what she wants.

Sorry x-post.

I have had to - a surprising number of times - explicitly remind other adults that it is unforgivably rude to comment on the food choices of another person unless they have explicitly invited your input, or your comments are sure to be welcome and are both positive and polite. I expected to have drill this into 8yr olds - not so much 18yr olds and 38yr yr olds!

@Bluecheck679

That doesn't read very clearly, my advice is don't discuss your diet or weight loss at all with your daughter. Or her diet/food choices/weight. Unless she asks then you could answer.

I don't!!! But she will see me frying my courgettes and leeks and even that will set her off! But if I offer her some of mine she'll dramatically make yuck faces and say eughghghghghghhghg.

She has a big do tomorrow night. A ''debs'' and I think she put on her dress and it was tighter than she would have liked. I put no pressure on her to go to the debs. I said, go if you want to go, but don't feel bad if you want to stay home. I'm really really supportive to her.

@Mamette

There is food in the fridge and in the cupboards, vegetables, tuna, bread, crisps. She is giving out to be that there are no dinners. There are meatballs and chicken in the fridge, frozen broccoli in the freezer.

Have you made a change from eating the same thing together, to eating separately? Maybe she wants you to cook for her. I’m not saying you should. Just maybe that’s what she wants.

Yes, we all used to eat the same thing but I don't think that that's what it's about!

I often eat my ''weirdo food'' at the table at the same time.

I do think she's a bit entitled tbh. I don't want her to be unhappy but I work full time. I'm 51. I'm just trying to lose a few pounds. I NEED TO.

Somebody upthread said she's a brat and yes she is. Maybe she's a brat because she's upset but yeh, this behavior is too much.

“ I have just let her eat what she's going to eat and never put any pressure on her to be slimmer!”
But then you go on to explain exactly how you used to do this! Do you think she’s forgotten?!
By going on a diet when you are slimmer than her you are indirectly criticising her weight. You already know it’s a topic that upsets her deeply and you’ve been unable to talk to her sensitively about it.
She’s lashing out at you because she’s hurting and not liking herself, and your dig about will power wasn’t necessary.
This all sounds a bit toxic to me. Maybe you could make some family meals and if your kids don’t want them then you can freeze the extra portions.

@SweetBabyCheeses99 “By going on a diet when you are slimmer than her you are indirectly criticising her weight”. I would hardly say indirect criticism, most people lose weight when they eat better. Surely she’s worked out if she ate better and / or exercised more than she should lose weight? She will in her life have met people slimmer than her, more clever than her, richer than her etc as it’s just one of those things

Ahhh, so you did used to make comments on her food and now she's doing it back...

About five years ago.

@QueenDanu

About five years ago.

In fairness to your DD, while it was five years ago it was at a very sensitive time of her life when she was just entering her teens and will have formed much of her body image and relationship with food at that time.

She's being rude to you now, absolutely, and that's wrong - but I can sympathise with her having felt shit about those comments and them having stuck with her. They likely will forever I'm afraid, as they were made in such important years.

I understand it's a minefield though and so hard to know what to say that is a balance between honest and constructive without being damaging or hurtful.

It's a toughie!

''By going on a diet when you are slimmer than her you are indirectly criticising her weight.''

This is the crux of it I suspect. I've tried to say as little as possible. I would like to talk to her sensitively etc but I get the head torn off me.

Just tell her once that making comments on other peoples food choices is unacceptable so it has to stop - from both of you. If she wants to buy McDonald's for lunch, say nothing. Otherwise you're saying you can mention something you don't like but she can't (no matter what her reason).

Point out that she makes her own choices about what to eat and so do you. If she's going to be rude she needs to leave the room - but this applies to you too!

I never ever told her she was overweight. I went through a brief period of asking if she was really hungry when she was eating rings around her self, but I backed off when she reacted badly and for five years I've not said a word. I've been her cheerleader through so many experiences. She's in a good college, she changed her sur name, she has some social anxieties, I have been extremely supportive to her. the consideration flows one way only.

Sorry, was probably speaking from my own experience. Just keep doing what you're doing, be there to listen and support but remember too teenagers often take things out on the people they're closest to. You setting out to do something and achieving it is inspiring, even if she can't see it for emotion. But i would honestly never discuss food/diets/ weight loss and agree if she says anything to you just say "I'm sorry my choices are having an impact on how you feel, I want to be here for you but it is rude to comment on other people's food." Broken record.

Having a parent that complains about their weight, and then restricts food groups is a major trigger for teenagers to develop disordered eating and anxiety around food. Your daughter probably now has low self esteem, and feels like a failure where food and body image is concerned.
I know you may think you've not done it often, or that its harmless, but criticising your own weight in front of her, can be very damaging.

That isnt what's happening.

I think ive said too little because ive been afraid of her reaction.

Im not down on myself at all body wise. I am not like that at all.