18 year old DD angry with me that I'm on a diet!

[QueenDanu]

She is a bit more overweight than I am, not much, she's taller. I'd say she's 11 and a half stone and I'm 10 and a half stone but 2 inches shorter. so not a huge difference. I watch what i eat more though. I've been low carb for a few weeks, 4, and I've lost four pounds, so it's not been all that quick, but I'm keeping going with it. She tells me every day how stupid it is that I'm low carb, how everybody at work must be laughing at my keto buns, how it's ridiculous, I'll never be thin, nobody's looking at me. Normally I just let her run out of steam but today after about 28 days of her having at least one pop at my diet per day, I snapped at her and said ''what is the matter with you? is this because you envy my willpower?''.

She has no willpower. She ordered mcdonalds for lunch. There is food in the fridge and in the cupboards, vegetables, tuna, bread, crisps. She is giving out to be that there are no dinners. There are meatballs and chicken in the fridge, frozen broccoli in the freezer.

It's ridiculous. I feel like I'm getting it in the neck night after night. She wants me to give up. Now she's stomping around nearly breaking floorboards, wailing ''why do you hate me?''.

Give me strength. It is years and years since I've commented on her weight btw, I wouldn't dare.

The only thing I comment on is her ordering takeaways for lunch. I hate that. It's a waste of money. Her money, but omg I cannot believe how casually she will order a takeaway.

Could she just be a teenager? If it wasn't this issue, would something else you do be annoying her. You know, like breathing or existing, for example?

There's a long thread in the teenagers topic about the things that have annoyed out teenagers recently.

I'd probably remind her that it's not her place to comment and that it was rude, but then just ignore what she'd said.

My Mum used to always be off and on diets and talk about them a lot. So she would either be buying crisps/choc and sharing them with me when I was a teen or she would be dieting and telling me how much she had lost that week and raising an eyebrow if I ate crisps or something.
She is still the same now at 75.
I wouldn't say she has passed her food issues on to me exactly but she definitely raised me to think for example I might as well have a bag of low fat crisps instead of a piece of fruit as it was the same calories. Or to be having a bad or good food day! She can never be offered a biscuit or something without saying 'I shouldn't' then have some anyway.
It was really annoying as a teen to have a Mum always dieting.

I don't think you should be commenting on her ordering takeaways for lunch. If you want to set a rule (rightly so) that it's not OK to comment on other adults food choices, you need to model this rule yourself.

I find it odd that parents say nothing to their DC when they gain weight. Surely it is how you broach the subject and not shame them or ridicule. The information out their advises parents to have an open dialogue, dont blame, dont make negative comments and be united in your approach in supporting them. My DS is 14 now and put on a lot of weight over lockdown. I did speak to him about his diet, ensured their was healthy snacks in the house and rejigged meals. We however are not a family who are 'overweight' so he is used to seeing me exercise and his siblings too. So he started running with his older brother.

So you are not meant to lose weight in order to feel better about yourself, and generally become more healthy in case your DD sees that indirectly as a criticism ? That’s insane.
Your DD could put in the effort to lose a bit of weight ( and we all know for the most part it is an effort ) if that is indeed what she wants to do, rather than try to sabotage you and guilt you into stopping. She sounds like she has no self discipline, according to you and is disgruntled you are making headway
So now she’s stomping round the house because you aren’t giving in to her and ditching the diet .I’d say the only mistake you are making is indulging in her selfish behaviour. She’s 18, not 8. Make sure she has the food she wants in the house, carry on cooking what you want and let her cook her own. Don’t mention her takeaways or anything food related, if she wanted to join you in this she would. You both need to respect each other’s food choices and not worry about what the other is cooking/eating etc.

Lots of people get really defensive when you try and eat a more balanced diet, I used to get loads of comments at work about my lunch- always from people who were overweight to be fair. It must be really draining to have someone in your home, your own daughter no less making comments all the time. It probably is a jealousy that she doesn't want to put the work into herself to lose weight, and feels jealous that you are. I'd just draw a hard line, she is 18, and say you don't want to discuss your diet, just as you don't discuss hers.

It's defo a jealousy thing.

I remember a certain friend when I was younger and oh my days the digs I used to get when I was dieting, I was naturally slim and had a great figure, didn't necessarily need to diet at all I could eat shite and still maintain whereas she had little willpower but needed to diet to not put weight on. She struggled. It ramped up when I did diet she just used to get so angry at me.

She always used to say to me 'it will catch up when you are older'. It did.

I think at that age you are very entitled and feel like the world should be giving to you rather than you working for it. This sounds like the case here, she's clinging on to her entitlement because she wants to be slimmer/fitter/god knows what but she still wants to eat takeaways. She will learn eventually that it just doesn't fall in to your palm.

However, obviously as someone who is older, you do have to put the effort in. You were right to call her out she is being bratty and bullying. Maybe when the air has calmed a bit maybe talk to her about how she's feeling, even if she admits it or not, and maybe explain that it's different for a woman and that we have to diet because our bodies do not work the same, our metabolism slows down and we are more aware to make certain health choices because we aren't young anymore and prone to diabetes and heart problems and other conditions. Explain it from a more health perspective and she might see it as actually, eating healthy in womanhood had a more serious agenda than just 'looking good' she might just slack off a bit

Is she following 'body positivity' accounts on social media?

I find some of them are incredibly scathing about any sort of watching what you eat and send the message that you should whatever you like whenever you like and if you gain a lot of weight that it doesn't matter at all.

I think they can be just as unhelpful to young women as the photoshopped 'perfect body' accounts. Neither encourages a healthy relationship with food.

I think the OP has been unfairly criticised - as a parent it is not a bad thing to keep an eye on a child's eating habits and attempt to deter them from eating too much chocolate! And sometimes people are fat, not because they are eating their emotions, but because burgers and chocolate taste nice and cause insulin spikes and dips which make you crave more of the same!
The OP can't say anything without it being wrong - if she just let her child get fat then she'd be criticised as neglectful.
Teenagers can be moody and stroppy over nothing. I think this come down to her wanting to lose weight but not being able to give up the junk - that stuff is designed to make to crave it. I think you could try talking to her and asking if she is unhappy and offering to cook for her and see if she will agree to stop the takeaways and limit the chocolate. But ultimately you cannot get her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Apologize for snapping but tell her she can have help and support from you but she isn't allowed to be rude anymore.

I also think the op is being unfairly attacked, her eating habits low carbing are healthy and she’s entitled to eat as she pleases. As is her daughter. Op needs to stop commenting on her daughters takeaways though

Op, sit her down and talk to her. Watch your words. This whole “I need to loose weight” means to her you think she does too. Just say something like I’m not as young as I used to be, and for health benefits I want to eat healthier and loose a few pounds, my body in my fifties is very different to thirty odd years ago. Let’s make a pact not to discuss each other’s food intake and I’m sorry if I’ve done it to you in the past. You are beautiful and look fantastic at your height and weight, my new healthy eating regime is about me and my health”

I grew up with a Mum who was always on a diet and it used to annoy the hell out of me, because our meals would be different, there would be different food in the house, I would have to listen to the spiel about how the diet worked etc. It would make me feel bad for eating different/bad foods and judged even though I know it wasn't the intention. I found it cringe worthy and embarrassing. It used to annoy me that my parent was never happy as they were, couldn't see the wonderful person that they were (and are!). And because my parents self esteem was tied up in weight, every comment I got on my weight (you look like you've lost a bit of weight, which was the biggest compliment ever), appearance (that dress looks good on you, meaning you look slim in it) or food (are you really wasting more money on a takeaway? Which also can feel like a massive dig). I ended up typing my self esteem up in weight too so that when I was thin I felt worthy, and when I was fatter I felt ashamed. As parents everything we do effects our children whether we like it or not. A child who is bigger than their mum who is going on a diet is going to have feelings about that. You don't get to exist in a vacuum. Yes your daughter is going about this the wrong way, she shouldn't be having a meltdown like that, but maybe she just doesn't have the words yet. She can't say to you 'Mum when you diet it makes me feel like my body and eating habits are being judged even if that is not your intention. It makes me question my own body and choices, and feel bad about myself so I want you to quit so we can be the same and closer, and for me to not feel that you are upset with me, my body or my choices' something like that is probably the truth. Many years later, my Mum is still always going on diets. She still comments when she thinks I've lost weight and when I look slim in things, and tells me how marvellous the diet is and maybe I should try it too? And I just try and let it roll off me. But when I lived with her day in and day out it was so much harder to do. Even now it can take me a while to shrug off and I have to swallow down the Urge to tell her to stop feeding my body demons.

I'm not saying you need to stop dieting, but just trying to give the daughters perspective. Obviously I don't know what's going on in your daughters head, but could you use this as an opportunity to find out? To open up a conversation about weight, diet, body issues, self love, etc. and to give her time to express her feelings and for you to validate her. It's not a question of will power, your daughter might be happy as she is or she might not be, she might be happy with her eating habits and she might not be, it sounds like this outburst is her asking for help and guidance and I would try and see this as an opportunity to grow together not to grow apart

Don’t understand how she knows you’re dieting? Why the need to mention it at all?
She’s unhappy with herself. If mums overweight too, that somehow makes it better.

@MrsSkylerWhite

Don’t understand how she knows you’re dieting? Why the need to mention it at all? She’s unhappy with herself. If mums overweight too, that somehow makes it better.

Don’t they live together?

How would OP change her eating habits without her DD noticing?

Her meals all change completely - much lower carb for starters - and you think it’s feasible that the DD wouldn’t notice? How??

By going on a diet when you are slimmer than her you are indirectly criticising her weight.

bollocks. By going on a diet when both of them know they are overweight is making the DD see that she needs to lose weight and that is probably making her cross. It's not up to the OP to pander to the DD and if she wants to lose weight that is up to her.

I get like this - i know I'm overweight but I'm too lazy to do anything about it. And yes, i get jealous of anyone else who is managing.

OP in your shoes i'd just run down the food you have in the house, buy the things you want and then either ask DD to add what she wants to the list, or she can eat the same as you or she can order in. That is 3 choices for her, but the constant moaning and gagging and "nooothtthing to eaaattt" is really annoying to live with. (i had it, so i put a stop to it by making sure that there really was nothing for about a week, and then instigating the "if you want something put it on the list" rule)

and frankly? an overweight 13 year old knows that extra cake leads to more weight. And yes, it hurts when a parent mentions it but how are you supposed to get them into the mindset not to eat it? All the overweight/fat people i know, are well aware that they are overweight/fat. Some are ok with it, others are like the DD. And more than one of them blames their parents for not being stricter. How is a parent to win?

Totallydefeated

MrsSkylerWhite
Don’t understand how she knows you’re dieting? Why the need to mention it at all?
She’s unhappy with herself. If mums overweight too, that somehow makes it better.
Don’t they live together?

How would OP change her eating habits without her DD noticing?

Her meals all change completely - much lower carb for starters - and you think it’s feasible that the DD wouldn’t notice? How??

Mine never did 🤷‍♀️

@MrsSkylerWhite

Don’t understand how she knows you’re dieting? Why the need to mention it at all? She’s unhappy with herself. If mums overweight too, that somehow makes it better.

Becayse they live together and she sees what she’s eating?

@MrsSkylerWhite

Totallydefeated

MrsSkylerWhite
Don’t understand how she knows you’re dieting? Why the need to mention it at all?
She’s unhappy with herself. If mums overweight too, that somehow makes it better.
Don’t they live together?

How would OP change her eating habits without her DD noticing?

Her meals all change completely - much lower carb for starters - and you think it’s feasible that the DD wouldn’t notice? How??

Mine never did 🤷‍♀️

How?

Did you eat in secret and never eat together as a family?

Bluntness100

MrsSkylerWhite
Don’t understand how she knows you’re dieting? Why the need to mention it at all?
She’s unhappy with herself. If mums overweight too, that somehow makes it better.
Becayse they live together and she sees what she’s eating?“

So it seems. Mine never noticed or if they did didn’t say anything. They were too busy eating their own meal.
They didn’t have weight issues though so maybe it just didn’t occur to them.

It would make me feel bad for eating different/bad foods and judged even though I know it wasn't the intention. I found it cringe worthy and embarrassing. It used to annoy me that my parent was never happy as they were, couldn't see the wonderful person that they were (and are!).

but this kind of comment ignores that your parent probably grew up in a house where overeating was the biggest sin (I know my mum did, during rationing) and being fat(ter) was a sign of either buying on the black market or being lazy. (also a huge sin)

But you then expect your mum to have a completely different attitude etc because it all annoyed you, where you don't have any consideration for the difficulties your mum might be having?

It's not a criticism of you, but it is a massively difficult cycle to break. One i broke by living away from home and basically ignoring every conversation about food, weight or health.

@Brefugee

It would make me feel bad for eating different/bad foods and judged even though I know it wasn't the intention. I found it cringe worthy and embarrassing. It used to annoy me that my parent was never happy as they were, couldn't see the wonderful person that they were (and are!).

but this kind of comment ignores that your parent probably grew up in a house where overeating was the biggest sin (I know my mum did, during rationing) and being fat(ter) was a sign of either buying on the black market or being lazy. (also a huge sin)

But you then expect your mum to have a completely different attitude etc because it all annoyed you, where you don't have any consideration for the difficulties your mum might be having?

It's not a criticism of you, but it is a massively difficult cycle to break. One i broke by living away from home and basically ignoring every conversation about food, weight or health.

I did say that afterwards, that even though I felt like that as a teenager I started doing the same thing as an adult. I'm not saying it not difficult to break the patterns, but you can't break them if you don't talk about or acknowledge them can you? If you act like everyone are individuals who have no effect on one another, when of course you do how could you not? I'm not saying the OP shouldn't diet or have these opinions, just that she could use this as an opportunity to talk about that stuff instead with her daughter, instead of acting like her dieting has no impact on anyone else.

I think I'm agreeing with you, @Brefugee it's just that you've highlighted the bit where I was taking about how I felt as a teenager and not how I do now

Yeah, she's being a diva! Ignore her comments & keep going with your diet. 4lb is a good start! Wishing you all the best xx

Ah honestly , only in Mumsnet!
I'm prone to putting on weight and normally when I get to a certain level, something kicks in and I'm super healthy for a couple of months till I lose it again . In that phase where I'm heavier than I like I always feel super guilty when I see people around me make the healthier choices that I know I should be making.. I'm assuming this isn't unusual but because I'm a adult I accept that it's my issue not anyone else's and I don't say anything. The op dd obviously is in that space where she would like to lose weight but isn't ready to tackle it yet and as a 18 year old lashes out a little.. all very standard I would have thought.
Not everything has to have some deep past reason like a parents abandonment or a mother's comment when she was 9🙄

So because the DD is overweight, OP is supposed to let herself get more and more overweight too?

I find it astonishing that that's what so many posters seem to be suggesting. That OP's dieting (which she's getting on with perfectly calmly and quietly) is making DD feel bad, so she should stop? That's insane.

OP, whenever she says anything about your food, simply say "I don't comment on your food so kindly don't comment on mine" or alternate with "Do you want me to constantly comment on what you eat? No? Then stop commenting on mine"
Every single time.

You can absolutely continue dieting, but that doesn't mean you have to dismiss somebody else's feelings about that does it? You can have a conversation about your different perspectives without changing a single thing you put in your mouth. But without acting like you exist in vacuum and nothing you do has any effect on anyone else .