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Original poster

18 year old DD angry with me that I'm on a diet!

84 replies

QueenDanu · 26/10/2021 20:40

She is a bit more overweight than I am, not much, she's taller. I'd say she's 11 and a half stone and I'm 10 and a half stone but 2 inches shorter. so not a huge difference. I watch what i eat more though. I've been low carb for a few weeks, 4, and I've lost four pounds, so it's not been all that quick, but I'm keeping going with it. She tells me every day how stupid it is that I'm low carb, how everybody at work must be laughing at my keto buns, how it's ridiculous, I'll never be thin, nobody's looking at me. Normally I just let her run out of steam but today after about 28 days of her having at least one pop at my diet per day, I snapped at her and said ''what is the matter with you? is this because you envy my willpower?''.

She has no willpower. She ordered mcdonalds for lunch. There is food in the fridge and in the cupboards, vegetables, tuna, bread, crisps. She is giving out to be that there are no dinners. There are meatballs and chicken in the fridge, frozen broccoli in the freezer.

It's ridiculous. I feel like I'm getting it in the neck night after night. She wants me to give up. Now she's stomping around nearly breaking floorboards, wailing ''why do you hate me?''.

Give me strength. It is years and years since I've commented on her weight btw, I wouldn't dare.

The only thing I comment on is her ordering takeaways for lunch. I hate that. It's a waste of money. Her money, but omg I cannot believe how casually she will order a takeaway.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/10/2021 22:04

But there's a reason behind why she overeats and it's probably "eating her emotions". When this started at 13, do you know what triggered it? Did you ever talk about the emotional reasons she eats rather than just checking her for snacking at that time?

givingupchocolatemonday · 26/10/2021 22:06

Sounds like you both have an unhealthy views towards food/weight

saying you NEED to lose weight at 10 stone could be rubbing off on your daughter

Original poster
QueenDanu · 26/10/2021 22:08

I dont know @category12
It was probably about the time she realised she had more emotional intelligence than her father. She has cut him off since the last time she was there and he wouldnt let her out. But she knows she is loved and supported.

Anyway...... i just cracked, after a month of saying "oh well, it's not affecting you i dont think".

OP posts:
CockSpadget · 26/10/2021 22:09

@QueenDanu

That isnt what's happening.

I think ive said too little because ive been afraid of her reaction.

Im not down on myself at all body wise. I am not like that at all.

But you emphasised that you NEED TO lose weight, and you're restricting a whole food macro group. So you're saying you've not once said to her that you need to lose weight? And that you're doing low carb to achieve that? Or you've not said to her that you've lost 4 pounds so far??
WhiskyXray · 26/10/2021 22:11

Sometimes he gets up earlier to beat me to our workout space.

My husband does this. It's all I can do not to clock him with a 15kg kettlebell!

Original poster
QueenDanu · 26/10/2021 22:13

Well i dont talk about my low carbing to her. I just get on with it. I havent cut out all carbs.

I shouldnt have to ignore my own weight, but actually, that's what my DD would prefer.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 26/10/2021 22:15

Sometimes you actually DO need to lose weight though should we not tell our children that so it comes as a surprise if they don't change by themselves or should we be honest and say I fucked up im too fat its making me ill and I'm dealing with it

category12 · 26/10/2021 22:16

How does she know about it in such detail, if you're not talking about it? Confused

What do you mean her father wouldn't let her out? Has there been a lot of upheaval in her teens. If she's seeking comfort in over-eating, there's a reason for that.

cooker321monster · 26/10/2021 22:20

Put her in her place.

Original poster
QueenDanu · 26/10/2021 22:22

@category12

How does she know about it in such detail, if you're not talking about it? Confused

What do you mean her father wouldn't let her out? Has there been a lot of upheaval in her teens. If she's seeking comfort in over-eating, there's a reason for that.

She doesnt!!!
She just knows im low carbing.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/10/2021 22:25

OP you are being very defensive and dismissive when people have suggested things that could have contributed to this e.g. you mentioning food a lot now / you commenting when she was younger. But couldn't it be that while you don't believe she was right to have the response she did to those things, she may still have had those responses? And they may be contributing to her behaviour now?

Original poster
QueenDanu · 26/10/2021 22:28

There has not been a lot of upheaval no. We have lived in this house for 9 years. We had left her father long before that. She went to one school throughout. Ive never had any episodes of depression, poverty, no live in boyfriends, have been concentrating on my job. I dont date.

Look, think im going to bail now, because posters love to assume the worst, but she is not some fragile damaged emotional wreck eating her emotions and im not a diet bore commenting on her weight.

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 26/10/2021 22:31

You can still ask for basic manners. I doubt she talks to her friends in the same tone she uses to talk to you. You can insist she talks to you in a civil manner or Grey rock until she does. Certainly do not be doing her laundry or any other favours like lifts. Otherwise you are condoning the bad behaviour. There’s no need to be walking on eggshells around her either, reclaim your space and tell her to do one!

theremustonlybeone · 26/10/2021 22:44

She is likely confused as to your sudden change in opinion given you decided to say nothing when your could have made a difference. Envying your will power? Is a indirect dig at her weight. You seem to see her as a peer rather than your DC and have no concern for her emotional wellbeing. Feel sorry for the girl and for you to suggest she isnt eating her emotions suggests a real lack of emotional intelligence. I dont know anyone who is obese who is happy and skipped into obesity with no emotional issues. No different to those who choose alcohol or drugs.

LaurieFairyCake · 26/10/2021 23:00

Well a better question is why do YOU think she's overweight?

I would just tell you're not entering any more discussions on diet and that she is not to comment on what you eat and you won't on her food.

As soon as she starts go and eat elsewhere and ignore her

Totallydefeated · 26/10/2021 23:14

@youvegottenminuteslynn

OP you are being very defensive and dismissive when people have suggested things that could have contributed to this e.g. you mentioning food a lot now / you commenting when she was younger. But couldn't it be that while you don't believe she was right to have the response she did to those things, she may still have had those responses? And they may be contributing to her behaviour now?
To be fair, OP has had a bit of a battering on this thread, with a lot of criticism of her behaviour five years ago, unfounded speculation about how she is approaching things now, but very little in the way of practical or useful advice.

OP should be able to make decisions about her own weight and eating without her DD kicking off. If OP wants to lose weight, she is well within her rights to do so. The issue here is that her DD is clearly unhappy with her own weight, but is very defensive and hostile to any attempts by OP to help - possibly partly because of hurt at OP’s earlier well-meaning attempts to help, but it won’t just be that.

OP, I would carry on, but maybe cook extra portions of what you’re eating for your DD, but with no pressure to eat them and no comments about what she does eat. I would consider saying that you won’t be discussing weight or eating habits with her and ask that she does the same.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2021 23:47

Why you're tolerating this behaviour is beyond me. Tell her to keep her mouth shut about what you eat or she can spend her time somewhere else.

RantyAunty · 27/10/2021 00:12

Start to calmly agree with her and keep doing what you're doing. When she doesn't get a reaction from you, it'll stop.

Her: that food looks gross
You: that it does

Her: your workmates are laughing at you
You: they probably are.

Buggritbuggrit · 27/10/2021 00:28

This is so odd. She was being rude to you for a month, you ignored her and then snapped at her like you were also 18 and her frenemy.

Please talk to your daughter. Tell her that your diet is your own business and that her current behaviour is unacceptable. Try to find out what’s going on with her (she’s a teenager, so this may have limited success, but you should try). Don’t ignore and then snap. You’re her parent, you’re not her mate.

Mojoj · 27/10/2021 00:43

Your daughter is jealous that you're doing what she cannot. There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. She's 18. She should grow up and treat her mother with more respect. And well done you on changing your diet to feel better and be healthier.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 27/10/2021 00:52

It's because you are slimmer than her and are trying to lose weight. She sees it as a criticism of her and it makes her feel bad about herself. There's not much you can do about this... You're entitled to lose weight and she really ought to make changes in her own life if she's unhappy about things. But you can't make her do this.

I'd suggest you make an agreement with her that neither of you will comment on the other's food choices. You say nothing about the take aways, and she says nothing about your "werido food".

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 27/10/2021 01:08

My younger sister does this with my mum. I think it's because if everyone can see Mum bettering herself, then there's no reason she shouldn't either, but she can't be bothered. So she tried to bully her into stopping. She does it over eating healthier, stopping smoking, studying etc..

Nandocushion · 27/10/2021 04:12

I do find MN very frustrating in this regard and while I know I'm going to get kicked in the head for it, I do think there's a lot of projection on this thread.

OP says it has been years since I've made any comment on her weight.

But yet, she used to sometimes cry that she was so fat. I tried to say the right thing but it was hard. Because even though the real problem is that she thinks she's fat, she'd also get annoyed with me if she came in to my room crying because she was fat and then I said 'well you could make a few gradual changes''. The only thing I'm ''allowed'' to say is ''no no no you're not fat''. But literally she is crying about being fat but I'm not allowed to say ''well, how about less snacking?''

And even though the issue clearly is the DD overeating, so many posters pile in on here to tell the OP that it is her fault, and that the DD wouldn't be overweight if the OP hadn't done/said something to her at some point in her life. And the OP is doing exactly what everyone on other threads says she should be doing - modelling the correct behaviour and eating healthy - and yet the DD is complaining about her doing that, and clearly is defensive, but lots of posters are saying it is STILL the OP's fault.

It's obvious that unpleasant and unnecessary comments don't help with overeating. But they don't cause it to start with. The DD needs to stop overeating. It's not the OP's fault.

FlipperStoleMyBall · 27/10/2021 05:24

She's heavier than you and you think you are too heavy and need to lose weight therefore she thinks YOU think she needs to lose weight.

Having had a parent who has commented on my weight my whole life I would say NEVER ever mention her weight again.

I would say 'look we both make different food choices, I'm not going to comment on yours unless you keep commenting on mine, fairs fair. If you persist in making comments about my food all the time then you should expect me to do the same. It's up to you.'

Then if she persists then you can say something about her food choices but NEVER in reference to weight - cost, nutrition etc will be fine but never how it will affect her weight.

If she snaps back about your comments you can reiterate again, let's just stop talking about each other's food shall we. Let's agree to disagree. Hopefully you'll only need to do it the once, you don't want it to become a battle ground.

Basically she feels bad about her weight but unable to address it where she sees you are able so she feels a failure. That doesn't excuse rudeness though so you just need to get to a point of agreeing not to discuss it.

A tricky situation though - I don't envy you OP. My dd (also 18yrs) has put a little weight on in the last 6 months, she doesn't like it but then she snacks on rubbish. I make no comment whatsoever, she's not stupid, she'll sort it if she wants to but nothing ruins a relationship like criticism about weight .

No fat person doesn't realise they are fat, it never needs pointing out Hmm (not saying you are doing that, just a general observation).

summersYs · 27/10/2021 06:10

As pp say she doesn't like you a. Being lighter already and b. Losing more
I think it's that simple
I don't think you can talk to her about it from the sounds of it so I'd just do the agreeing with her comments thing and get on with it
Or you could try and tell her how you feel about being slightly overweight - open up to her like a friend and show her that you have feelings too (which I think children don't actually realise)