18 year old DD angry with me that I'm on a diet!

[QueenDanu]

She is a bit more overweight than I am, not much, she's taller. I'd say she's 11 and a half stone and I'm 10 and a half stone but 2 inches shorter. so not a huge difference. I watch what i eat more though. I've been low carb for a few weeks, 4, and I've lost four pounds, so it's not been all that quick, but I'm keeping going with it. She tells me every day how stupid it is that I'm low carb, how everybody at work must be laughing at my keto buns, how it's ridiculous, I'll never be thin, nobody's looking at me. Normally I just let her run out of steam but today after about 28 days of her having at least one pop at my diet per day, I snapped at her and said ''what is the matter with you? is this because you envy my willpower?''.

She has no willpower. She ordered mcdonalds for lunch. There is food in the fridge and in the cupboards, vegetables, tuna, bread, crisps. She is giving out to be that there are no dinners. There are meatballs and chicken in the fridge, frozen broccoli in the freezer.

It's ridiculous. I feel like I'm getting it in the neck night after night. She wants me to give up. Now she's stomping around nearly breaking floorboards, wailing ''why do you hate me?''.

Give me strength. It is years and years since I've commented on her weight btw, I wouldn't dare.

The only thing I comment on is her ordering takeaways for lunch. I hate that. It's a waste of money. Her money, but omg I cannot believe how casually she will order a takeaway.

Is it worth switching the focus away from food and maybe when she niggles focus on the health benefits rather than for appearance reasons? I know OP your reasons are your reasons but I'm just trying to think of how you could reapproach the whole thing.

I've been an overweight/obese adult for most of my life and what kick started me into making changes is that eek I'm getting older and my family have a massive risk of cardiac issues and I don't want that for me moment. People have been more supportive and accepting of this as a reason rather than "I don't want to be obese anymore" rightly or wrongly

Update. She rang me at work today and admitted she was goading me by mocking my low carb food preparations (which i dont talk about). Before i could ask why, she asked me for €100 in the next breath.
I said no because i told her 5 days ago to transfer money from her savings to her current a/c
Also, i dont have enough not to miss 100 euro in my current a/c right now.

She knew ten days ago she would need 100 tonight. I said no and she called me a bitch and hung up, followed by whatsapp messages "give me the money". So.

I think her weight is the least of her worries. She needs to stop using me as an emotional punch bag.

So i am not claiming to have been such an excellent parent that i have raised a matire 18 year old.

She seems to be getting less mature. 🤔

Thank you @totallydefeated appreciated your post.

@Fetarabbit

Lots of people get really defensive when you try and eat a more balanced diet, I used to get loads of comments at work about my lunch- always from people who were overweight to be fair. It must be really draining to have someone in your home, your own daughter no less making comments all the time. It probably is a jealousy that she doesn't want to put the work into herself to lose weight, and feels jealous that you are. I'd just draw a hard line, she is 18, and say you don't want to discuss your diet, just as you don't discuss hers.

Totally agree, whenever I’ve lost a bit of weight it seems to invite overly personal comments and opinions from everyone and their dog. All the ones you’ve mentioned and more. You’ve just got this from your daughter rather than your mum or colleague. It’s a control thing imo when people feel bad about their bodies and try and stop you makes changes to alter your body. It is horrendously rude of her to discussion anyones diet, no matter what inner turmoil she might have going on.

The best time to adopt healthy eating habits is a child / young adult; As we get older, it's much harder to give up long-standing habits / food addictions, and harder to lose weight. We have a duty to look after our children's health, and that includes trying to get healthy eating habits a part of their 'normal'. In so doing we do them a huge lifelong favour.

And by healthy, that means a balanced, nutricious diet on the whole, whilst enjoying treats ('a little of what you love' / 'all things in moderation'). Of course it has to be done sensitively so as not to create a disordered view of food, but parents should never be frightened of teaching their children healthy eating habits. It's part of good parenting.

It is perfectly natural to talk to your daughter about regularly eating takeaways for lunch / instead of a meal you've cooked (which is plain rude of her).

But from what you say, you haven't really discussed her eating as you've become frightened to do so. And yet she comments on your eating, despite you not making a big thing of it.

You are doing nothing wrong - don't let her think you are. I have a friend whose mum is furious that she's losing weight by healthy eating. Her mum has pointed out that they are a big family, they can't help being overweight, she'll fail in the end, why not just give up now, her attempts are pathetic. It's clear that the mum is annoyed that her daughter is showing her that those things aren't true, which is making her feel bad and perhaps angry at herself.

Maybe your DD is angry at herself. Maybe the event coming up (and not quite fitting in the dress) has upset her, and she is lashing out at you because you're the person closest to her and who she can rely on not to run away from her when she's mean, plus you're losing weight which seems to highlight that she isn't.

The latest demand for money is totally out of order, as is intentionally goading you.

@TheLastLonelyBakedBeanInTheTin (great name, btw)

I think I'm agreeing with you, @Brefugee it's just that you've highlighted the bit where I was taking about how I felt as a teenager and not how I do now

true. Sorry, i did you a disservice. But it seemed that everyone is tiptoeing around a bratty seeming teenager who knows she's overweight, and OP was getting it a bit in the neck.

I have an awful relationship with food, tbh, not due to my mum, but I'Ve managed not to pass it to my DCs

Your update is awful. I'm so sorry OP.

If this is her attitude then maybe it's a sign that it's time for her to start thinking about flying the nest...

WhatsApp message saying ‘ give me the money’. !!!!
My DD is 18, she wouldn’t have the guts to send me a message like that (nor is she like that anyway) because she’d come home to find her stuff packed in bags sitting by the front door.
I agree her weight issues are the least of her problems, her shitty,entitled attitude is much worse.

@queendanu Did you respond to her whatsapp message? Are you planning to do anything about her behaviour/attitude?

It's completely out of order how she has spoken to you. I think you could definitely do with regaining some control before she does some serious emotional damage.

Wow, what an absolute brat! It sounds like she has an awful lot of growing up to do. At 18 she should be more than well aware that to lose weight you need to change your diet, mum going on a diet is not a dig at her (although In her teenage universe everything must be about her, right?)
The message about the money is just unbelievable, personally I would reply and say she needs to curb her spending drastically as she will be saving for a deposit on some accommodation as with an attitude like that she will not be living under my roof for much longer.