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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner acts much older and irritates me 24/7

105 replies

Sportscoachdave50 · 26/10/2021 19:20

Hi,

my girfriend who is much older than me is constantly mentioning her age, and acts older than she is.

She is loud, and makes really annoying noises which make me angry, and she always knows best, always correcting me and doesn't seem interested in anything I say to her. She also never goes anywhere on her own, she has no friends to meet up with, she is a real life hermit and I have become one too since meeting her and living with her. When she ses her adult kids they laugh and chat for hours, but with me she says nothing and only laughs when she watches the TV.

I am autistic and she clearly struggles with that fact and makes it obvious she wishes that I was not autistic.

I don't know how to end it.

Any advice or suggestions would be really helpful, thanks.

H

OP posts:
geesearego · 27/10/2021 14:46

You need to find out what if any rights you have to the accommodation you are currently renting.
I'm not sure if you are on the tenancy agreement of the council house you are staying in currently?
You may well be able to email the housing department if you find talking difficult.

Social Housing can have long waiting lists so you may be better starting now rather than waiting for another job before doing anything.

Boudiccasback · 27/10/2021 14:47

Do you live together?

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 15:08

Geesearego

That's beyond me, I don't understand that kind of thing. We have a council flat, she organised everything.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 15:08

Boudiccasback

Yes, of coourse.

geesearego · 27/10/2021 15:11

If the only person you can talk to is your partner then you need to ask her if you are both listed as tenants for your council house.

If you can use Mumsnet you can email your housing department to ask for information and support.

VanCleefArpels · 27/10/2021 16:03

@Sportscoachdave50 @SportscoachWills50 what do you do for money? Do you claim benefits on your own behalf or with your partner as a couple?

Your interaction with us here shows that you are capable of communication and if you are serious about wanting to start living in your own again you will need to be brave and proactive and communicate with the relevant authorities in order to achieve that. Do you get any medical or other support because of your autism? That might be a source of practical support if it’s available to you. You might want to ask your GP for a referral to adult social services for example

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 16:08

Geesearego

I don't find your answers very helpful or kind.

Thanks anyway.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 16:12

VanCleefArpels

you need to read up on autism before asking about medical support, autism doesn't nee medical interventions, it isn't a health condition, and is a lifelong disability.

I struggle with communication, but nowhere did I say that I can't communicate.

Please get back to my OP, thanks.

Noodles4Me · 27/10/2021 16:13

There was nothing unkind about Geesearego's posts. And her advice was helpful.

You are not ready to take control yet, which happens. Please bear some of this advice in mind when you are ready. Good luck

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 16:20

Noodlesforme

Her advice was patronising, but thanks for your mega-useful comment, was it necessary?

Bye.

geesearego · 27/10/2021 16:24

I'm sorry you didn't like my responses they were intended only to be factual.

I hope you find more useful responses that help you move forwards and sort out your unhappy situation.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 16:24

Someone thinks contacting Mumsnet and contacting housing departments are the same thing, should be no problem right?

This here is anonymous, and is about exchanging experiences and advice, it's an escape from the real world problsems.

Why do people treat autistic people as if they are allistic?

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 16:29

@geesearego

I'm sorry you didn't like my responses they were intended only to be factual.

I hope you find more useful responses that help you move forwards and sort out your unhappy situation.

No worries, thanks
asteroommatus · 27/10/2021 16:38

@SportscoachWills50

Asterrroommatus

Being autistic is very complicated to explain.

I am not complaining that she has no friends, we suited each other because we re similar in that area of life.

She has adult kids and a functional family, I do not, and before I moved in with her I misjudged what its like to live with someone who is sociable and neurotypical.

I am comfortable with one person, "two's a crowd, 3's a football stadium" that's how it feel for most autistic people.

I am also depressed, hence I have no hobbies, and I am out of work. Life itself causes tension.

Thanks

Please donr presume that posters here do not have direct experience with autism.

And, as you know, not all autistic people have the same behaviours/likes and dislikes. They don't have the same sensory reactions etc.

In your op you clearly complain she doesn't have friends.

She also never goes anywhere on her own, she has no friends to meet up with, she is a real life hermit and I have become one too since meeting her and living with her.

You are clearly unhappy. But don't seem to be able to pin point why. You keep contradicted what you put in your op. For example saying she is a real life hermit, then saying she is sociable.

I think it would help you to reframe it. Keep reminding yourself you just aren't compatible, rather than her being annoying or not acting right.

You also need to focus on getting yourself put of the house starting now. You don't have to remain a 'hermit' because she does.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 16:39

I would appreciate it if people respond to my OP.

Thanks.

TeaStory · 27/10/2021 16:40

What kind of help do you want from the posters here? If we know what you want, it will be easier for us to give it to you.

Posters are genuinely trying to be helpful. When you reject their help, for instance by telling them “goodbye” instead of thanking them, they will feel that as a dismissal and not want to help you further.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 16:46

Cruel to be kind?

I was hoping for replies to my OP.

thanks.

asteroommatus · 27/10/2021 16:51

Your op states Any advice or suggestions would be really helpful, thanks.

People are giving advice and suggestions.

Sparklfairy · 27/10/2021 16:53

@SportscoachWills50

I would appreciate it if people respond to my OP.

Thanks.

OK then. People have given help and advice here and you've rudely posted 'just answer my OP'. You sound very difficult, and like you really, really dislike your partner. You've admitted the only reason you don't/won't leave is because you don't want to be homeless, and so are also admitting you're just using her. You've had some replies here that you don't like and have responded with a bad attitude. If you're like this with DP I can absolutely see why it isn't working out. Autism is not an excuse to have everyone around you (here and DP) behave only the way you find acceptable.

Your OP says 'I don't know how to end it'. You can do it any number of ways. You can pack a bag and disappear. You can sit DP down and talk to her, and make a plan to separate. But you have to do something. You're obviously miserable and I imagine you're making everyone around you miserable too.

TeaStory · 27/10/2021 16:53

@SportscoachWills50

Cruel to be kind?

I was hoping for replies to my OP.

thanks.

No, nobody here is being cruel.

People have suggested ways to end the relationship and find a new place to live but you haven’t been happy with those. Can you be more specific about what you want from the posters here?

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 17:02

Asteroomstaus

Thanks for teaching me about autism, I never knew that.

Don't you think that your comment comes over as mighty patronising and ableist?

Non-autistic people do not understand autism, unless they read a lot a about it, #autismawareness websites etc..

She is a hermit and I don't state that she is sociable.

I am depressed, hence I rarely go out.

Thanks.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 17:04

Sparklfairy

Why comment if you only want to be ableist?

I am autistic, please take that into consideration before commenting, thanks.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 17:06

No more comments please.

People are using my post to attack me with ableist comments.

thanks to the kind people who meant well.

Bye.

asteroommatus · 27/10/2021 17:09

@SportscoachWills50

Asteroomstaus

Thanks for teaching me about autism, I never knew that.

Don't you think that your comment comes over as mighty patronising and ableist?

Non-autistic people do not understand autism, unless they read a lot a about it, #autismawareness websites etc..

She is a hermit and I don't state that she is sociable.

I am depressed, hence I rarely go out.

Thanks.

Ita ableist to point out that many of us are autistic and/or care for Austic children and relatives?

Or is it abelist to point out your generalised statements about Austic people, don't apply to everyone?

How was I teaching you? When I stated 'as you know'. I wasn't telling you anything I do not know. I acknowledged I wasn't telling you anything I don't know.

You did say she was sociable. You replied to me saying you underestimated what it would be like to live with someone who was sociable and NT.

You don't get to call people abelist and then tell them they can't defend themselves.

beastlyslumber · 27/10/2021 17:09

Your poor partner. Tell her to post on here.