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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner acts much older and irritates me 24/7

105 replies

Sportscoachdave50 · 26/10/2021 19:20

Hi,

my girfriend who is much older than me is constantly mentioning her age, and acts older than she is.

She is loud, and makes really annoying noises which make me angry, and she always knows best, always correcting me and doesn't seem interested in anything I say to her. She also never goes anywhere on her own, she has no friends to meet up with, she is a real life hermit and I have become one too since meeting her and living with her. When she ses her adult kids they laugh and chat for hours, but with me she says nothing and only laughs when she watches the TV.

I am autistic and she clearly struggles with that fact and makes it obvious she wishes that I was not autistic.

I don't know how to end it.

Any advice or suggestions would be really helpful, thanks.

H

OP posts:
SportscoachWills50 · 26/10/2021 21:32

Edgeofthesky

Yes, but she doesn't do anything about it. Having Misophonia and being autistic makes it tough living with her.

She will never change, and I can't expect her to change herself for me.

I think living with someone isn't for everyone.

PerseverancePays · 26/10/2021 21:45

If the flat is in her name you will need to move out. You can stay while you are looking for somewhere new if you don’t tell her that you are looking or stay with friends/family while you sort yourself out.
If the flat is in your name you need to tell her that you are not feeling it any more with her and she needs to move out.
Living on your own is fine. You can still have relationships with people without living with them.
Good luck, splitting up can be tough, but you’ll get through it.

SportscoachWills50 · 26/10/2021 22:11

Perseverancepays It's a council flat. I am in my 50s and have lived in various countries so I have learnt that one can live alone and have a relationship.

Being autistic it's more complicated than for a non-autistic person. Yes, I excelled living alone, and plan to do that again for the rest of my life.

Thanks for your empathy.

SportscoachWills50 · 26/10/2021 22:21

Edgeofthesky

Yes, of course. I would recommend others to stick to someone their own age.

It's easier all round.

Regularsizedrudy · 26/10/2021 22:27

What would you like to happen?

SportscoachWills50 · 26/10/2021 22:31

Regularsizedrudy

Good question

1.Job
2.A new place to live, as far as possible from her.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/10/2021 01:18

How did you get into this situation OP? You don't have to tell us all but it might be useful to reflect on for future - it sounds like she may have taken advantage of you?

You have a plan - get a job then move out. Sounds doable! How can you get moving on the first part?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2021 02:02

Who's name is on the tenancy of the council flat? Yours, hers, or both?

That has everything to do with how to get yourself out of this relationship. If the tenancy is in your name, she will have to leave once you break it off. If the tenancy is in her name, you will need to be the one to leave. If the tenancy is joint it's a bit more complicated since both of you have the right to be in the flat.

I don't know all the ins and outs since I'm in the US, but could the council advise you? Are there support groups for people with autism that might be able to help you figure things out?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2021 02:02

Whose. Not 'who's' name. I hate autocorrect.

GertietheGherkin · 27/10/2021 02:16

You've gone from Dave to Will 🤭
If it's not working for you, then end it. If the flat is in her sole name, then you'll have to move out. If it's in your sole name, you'll have to ask her to leave.

Did you move in together quite quickly? Had you never met her family before?

Have you got friends that you meet up with, and hobbies/ interests?

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 02:19

Evenmorefuriousvexation

No,she hasn't taken advantage of me :)

Trying to find a new job, then I am gone.

Thanks.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 02:21

It's not "people with autism", it's "autistic people".

It's both of our flat.

No need for help because of autism, but thanks for your help.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 02:24

Gertietheguerkin

It's Will or both? :)

It's not our flat, it's the council's. 10 years together and she has adult kids. I have zero friends and no hobbies at the moment.

Being with someone prevents me from functioning, it's bad.

Thanks.

1forAll74 · 27/10/2021 02:28

Your partner sounds like a bit of a mother figure to you, and you perhaps feel a bit safe living together, despite her not treating you very well, and making you annoyed all the time. It is a pity that you have to stay in this kind of situation if you are unhappy.

Sparklfairy · 27/10/2021 02:33

2.A new place to live, as far as possible from her.

So you don't like her. At all. Its ok to admit that. You're only staying in the relationship to prevent becoming homeless. That's OK to admit too.

Take some steps to get a job and leave. You'll feel better for it.

asteroommatus · 27/10/2021 05:11

@SportscoachWills50

Asterroomstatus

I am autistic and I don't like more than one person at anyone time, except when I coach, of course.

That sounds very much like you only want to be around people if its people you want around. Which is fine. But when you are in a relationship, it is not ideal for that person to have no family or friends.

It sounds to me like the relationship just isn't working and you are becoming resentful of her.

Its never ideal for someone to be isolated. You complain she has no friends and then say it would be ideal if she had no family.

So it doesn't seem her having no friends, is actually an issue for you.

Its perfectly fine to not want a live in relationship. Many people feel the same.

You say she is much older than you so is in her 60s or 70s. Maybe she is just acting in a way she feel comfortable. How is she acting older than her age.

Can you do more coaching? Or take it up again as a hobby? You say you have no hobbies. It will get you out more while you get a job move out. May relieve some tension you are feeling.

MoreAloneTime · 27/10/2021 07:19

It doesn't sound like this relationship is worth saving OP so all you can do is make plans for life as a single person.

Whydidimarryhim · 27/10/2021 07:44

It’s ok for op to not like his partner isn’t it. That’s why he wants to end the relationship.
Hope it works out for you.
If your both on the tenancy can you re apply to be rehoused.If your not working it maybe easier.
Contact Shelter or your local housing aid if you have one in your area.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 12:03

1forall74 That's very patronising, especially as I have not said anything that could be construed as Mother-Son.

Thanks anyway.

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 12:09

Asterrroommatus

Being autistic is very complicated to explain.

I am not complaining that she has no friends, we suited each other because we re similar in that area of life.

She has adult kids and a functional family, I do not, and before I moved in with her I misjudged what its like to live with someone who is sociable and neurotypical.

I am comfortable with one person, "two's a crowd, 3's a football stadium" that's how it feel for most autistic people.

I am also depressed, hence I have no hobbies, and I am out of work. Life itself causes tension.

Thanks

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 12:10

Whydimarryhim

I need to be patient and not contact shelter,

Thanks for your advice, but it's of no use to me, sorry.

VanCleefArpels · 27/10/2021 12:19

So some practical advice

Speak to your housing officer and tell them that you are considering moving out. They will be able to tell you what your housing options are. As you are in your fifties there may be some age restricted housing available in your area. Your council may have a scheme that gives you help with a deposit for a private rental if there’s no social housing available. Depending on your financial situation (see below) you coukd have a look at private renting asmall flat or room in HMO .

Do a benefits check on turn2us and make sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to as a single person- if you are on a low income you might still get some UC - this wil give you an idea of your financial situation should you make the move

SportscoachWills50 · 27/10/2021 12:40

Van CleefArpels

I don't have a housing officer, my partner organised everything.

Being autistic I struggle to communicate with strangers like you can.

I am being patient and waiitng till I have a new job.

Thanks.

VanCleefArpels · 27/10/2021 13:05

You just need to call the council and ask to speak to a housing officer. You need to explain that you might be homeless. With the best will in the world you will need to engage with people in any kind of job so you could start with picking up the phone to the council

Bluebells34 · 27/10/2021 13:54

You dont sound compatible