Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do you think he responded like this?

111 replies

EndlessRose · 24/10/2021 14:43

I know what I think this is but I'm curious to see how others would interpret it.

It's not exciting - sorry about that!

My boyfriend goes out with his friends one evening a week for a drink. His biggest complaint since lockdown lifted has been that everywhere is so quiet. He says he likes striking up conversations with random strangers.

Except that, when we went out on Friday, a random stranger struck up a conversation with us. Well me, because my boyfriend just ignored him. And was coldly silent to the extent that in the end this man said, "Well, I think I'm going to go now," and awkwardly left.

Seemed a bit odd for someone who claims that random chats with strangers can really make the evening.

I know what I think was going on but what's your first thought?

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 25/10/2021 22:37

He sounds really unpleasant.

Opentooffers · 25/10/2021 23:30

Ah, well you see, if he can successfully erode your self esteem, you would turn into a person that puts up with him cracking onto others on a night out, along with other shitty behaviour. You'd be none the wiser that he does this, but he specifically told you about it, to further undermine you.
You hadn't realised it till now, but he's had you in training for a while - hence no support and poor comments. Men like this know they are substandard and lacking, but it makes them feel better being with someone who ends up believing that they are more worthless, so only deserve someone like him. That's why they do it. It's fine to use him then dump at your convenience - as long as you don't have to be intimate in the meantime, thats best avoided under the circumstances. Keep up the hobby with his mate if you can, and if you like him better, maybe he's a future option, as I suspect what he said to your BF was a strong hint. You're in demand elsewhere girl, sounds like he knows how to behave so far ( though take it slow, on relationship straight to next, not recommended really).

billy1966 · 25/10/2021 23:41

OP,

He sounds SO awful.

Being on your own couldn't possibly be worse than this despinsecure toad who's interactions with you are to ignore you when he isn't putting you down.

Who cares why he does it.

Focus on why you would put up with it for a moment.
Flowers

TheCuntessOfMiddlesex · 25/10/2021 23:47

I know he's married to Judy Whatsherface but I've got this vision of Richard Madeley for some reason...I have no idea why!

As you were Grin

CowboyBebop · 26/10/2021 00:01

OP- you sound very smart and you e got it all worked out. Clearly you should dump him, and I applaud your decision to do that. I just wanted to say how much I loathe older men who try to strike up conversations with me in public places in the delusion that I will somehow be flattered or even seduced by listening to them drone on about their pet enthusiasms. I'm sure I am not alone in this feeling! Grin

Buggritbuggrit · 26/10/2021 03:04

I don’t understand why some women do this. A man treats them poorly and, instead of promptly binning him, they subject his behaviour to extreme analysis. Why do you care why he’s a twat, OP? Why do you care what he’s trying to achieve? Would knowing make him any less of a twat? No.

Please just dump him. No upcoming plans with mates can be worth this nonsense, surely?

overnightangel · 26/10/2021 04:33

@category12

He's negging you.
100%
overnightangel · 26/10/2021 04:40

“ Please just dump him. No upcoming plans with mates can be worth this nonsense, surely?”

Yeah I don’t get it

jamandmarmalade · 26/10/2021 04:50

i think the pubs are bereft of women because they've already heard his creepy chat and are avoiding him

where did you find this dreamboat? was it in the pub?

love youself more than him .... leave

ChaToilLeam · 26/10/2021 05:41

He sounds an absolute misery.

supercali77 · 26/10/2021 06:35

I love people watching as well, up close, and have stuck around longer than I should for the same reason. Not worth it ultimately but I get the curiosity. I wonder what his reaction will be when you end it.

RantyAunty · 26/10/2021 06:48

PP said it nicely.
Because he's a twat.

There's a woman who runs a site called ChumpLady and she says,

Trust that they suck!

BTW, the male friend you do the hobby with, he wants in your panties too.

After you dump, I'd venture far out from that circle and those types as you'll find, birds of a feather flock together.

category12 · 26/10/2021 07:00

Please just dump him. No upcoming plans with mates can be worth this nonsense, surely?

This.

BTW, the male friend you do the hobby with, he wants in your panties too.

After you dump, I'd venture far out from that circle and those types as you'll find, birds of a feather flock together.

And also this.

rattlemehearties · 26/10/2021 07:38

Sadly I agree about the lovely mate. Please please don't leap into bed with him OP. His loyalty ultimately will be his mate.

rainbowstardrops · 26/10/2021 08:00

Blimey he sounds bloody awful! You'll be well rid.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 26/10/2021 08:11

Dump and avoid the mate. They may both be doing a number on you.

girlmom21 · 26/10/2021 08:27

He hated that you were getting some male attention, didn't he?
He'd have probably agreed with what his mate said when they were in private, because he doesn't want others to think he's a dick.

I agree about the friend though. Steer clear.

Builderscrack · 26/10/2021 08:29

TheCuntessOfMiddlesex

I know he's married to Judy Whatsherface but I've got this vision of Richard Madeley for some reason...I have no idea why!

As you were

🤣😂🤣

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 26/10/2021 08:34

Dump him already!
(and give his "lovely" mate a swerve too)

Fruitandnuts · 26/10/2021 09:08

The references to negging reminded me of a guy i was dating. I sent him a pic of my living room wall i had repainted and was all proud of myself.

You'd expect him to say something nice, even a simple oh good job! nope...

Instead he commented on what was on my TV in the picture, which was a music video of people dancing, i hadnt even noticed because i was so chuffed with myself at my paintwork... he replied 'What on earth are you watching'

It made me think oh, what am i watching? Completely took my mind away from what i was happy about. These type of interactions with him made me realise i'd never get any joy or decency from him. He was binned

Original poster
EndlessRose · 26/10/2021 09:27

Instead he commented on what was on my TV in the picture, which was a music video of people dancing, i hadnt even noticed because i was so chuffed with myself at my paintwork... he replied 'What on earth are you watching'

Yes that's the sort of thing he'd say. Seeing someone else's experience of it is so much clearer. He felt hostile/resentful towards you because you'd achieved something. How bonkers is that?

It's occurred to me though that my tolerance for it is higher because my mum used to do it so it's what I grew up with and all I've known. Not that that means I think it's OK but it takes longer to realise its happening.

I think I've just spent so long listening to these slights and put downs and subtle assaults that it takes a while to see them properly.

Comments about other women being thinner, prettier, better than me? I grew up with them. It's normal. I've had to train myself to recognise it.

Tbh, I don't think the friend has any designs on me. I'm sure if I offered it to him on a plate he'd not turn it down. He's a man. But I don't think there is any intent on his part.

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessRose · 26/10/2021 09:38

He'd have probably agreed with what his mate said when they were in private, because he doesn't want others to think he's a dick.

I did ask the friend afterwards what his response had been to him saying something nice about me.

Apparently, nothing. Silence. He just didn't say anything.

So couldn't even bring himself to pretend to his best mate of 40 years.

I'm ill this week. He's the only person who knows who hasn't asked me if I'm OK or asked if I need anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessRose · 26/10/2021 09:40

He really does despise women doesn't he?

The young pretty ones because they don't want him and the ones like me because we're not young and pretty any more...

Not in his eyes anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessRose · 26/10/2021 09:44

@CowboyBebop

OP- you sound very smart and you e got it all worked out. Clearly you should dump him, and I applaud your decision to do that. I just wanted to say how much I loathe older men who try to strike up conversations with me in public places in the delusion that I will somehow be flattered or even seduced by listening to them drone on about their pet enthusiasms. I'm sure I am not alone in this feeling! Grin
I'm guessing you're a fair bit younger than me. I don't know any women who appreciate it!

I have bad news for you though, it still happens well into your 40s it would seem. Only then, you get it from men both old enough to be your dad (and who are now in their 60s/70s) and men young enough to be your son (20s/early 30s) 🙄

OP posts:
CatelynStark · 26/10/2021 09:50

Dump him and go out with his friend.