Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do you think he responded like this?

111 replies

EndlessRose · 24/10/2021 14:43

I know what I think this is but I'm curious to see how others would interpret it.

It's not exciting - sorry about that!

My boyfriend goes out with his friends one evening a week for a drink. His biggest complaint since lockdown lifted has been that everywhere is so quiet. He says he likes striking up conversations with random strangers.

Except that, when we went out on Friday, a random stranger struck up a conversation with us. Well me, because my boyfriend just ignored him. And was coldly silent to the extent that in the end this man said, "Well, I think I'm going to go now," and awkwardly left.

Seemed a bit odd for someone who claims that random chats with strangers can really make the evening.

I know what I think was going on but what's your first thought?

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 24/10/2021 17:28

He's in his 50s and he think the women will be falling at his feet.

But you're too old hahaha

I think it's great that a much younger guy was chatting with you.
Your boyfriend got to see some reality. Grin

Onwards and upward without him.

QuestionNumberOne · 24/10/2021 17:32

Sounds like you’re putting off the inevitable.

billy1966 · 24/10/2021 17:51

The most important thing is the penny has dropped that he is an old waster.

Suit yourself OP.

Be busy over the next few weeks, attend the social things you don't wish to miss and dump his ass the first chance you get.

You are correct, men like him are tedious when women are out socialising and don't want to be bothered by tedious men that fancy themselves.

You can do better.
Flowers

Original poster
EndlessRose · 24/10/2021 19:57

He's in his 50s and he think the women will be falling at his feet.

Sadly for him, he doesn't and doesn't expect them to but I think he enjoys the company, and being seen in the company of, much younger attractive women. It just didn't really happen for most of the relationship because we only met 4 months before lockdown.

I think I'm getting to see the real him him now.

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessRose · 24/10/2021 19:59

I think it's great that a much younger guy was chatting with you.
Your boyfriend got to see some reality.

I know! Grin

OP posts:
AnnListersBlister · 24/10/2021 20:02

He didn't want someone more interested in you than him.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/10/2021 20:04

You’re boyfriend is a creepy.

frozendaisy · 24/10/2021 20:28

Enlighten me, what is negging?

frozendaisy · 24/10/2021 20:31

Just googled.......Smile

Original poster
EndlessRose · 25/10/2021 21:26

I've come back to this because I've been thinking about it a bit since I posted.

There have been quite a few examples of 'negging', I think.

Two that stick out in my mind are as follows.

  1. after I'd complimented him on his appearance before going out one day last summer, he told me that what I was wearing was unflattering.

  2. I've started doing a hobby with his best friend. His friend told me last week that he'd told my boyfriend that I was great company, good fun to hang out with, witty and he was a very lucky man. At the weekend, boyfriend implied that this friend had said a couple of 'careless' things about me. Nothing serious, just things that would undermine the friendship if true. Didn't mention the nice things he'd said but took a comment out of context to make me doubt his friend. The very nature of the conversation they had suggested to me that boyfriend had brought it up with the precise intention of doing exactly the same to his friend about me - to cast doubt on my intentions basically. It was my bf who suggested we did the hobby together.

Boyfriend commented last week that I don't talk to him much during the week. it's true. I've found myself not sharing things with him because I know he's going to take the piss or be critical and also because he doesn't respond. It doesn't matter whether I'm speaking to him face to face or its in a message, if I tell him something I've been doing or something positive about myself, he just says nothing. Silence.

So, over the last couple of days, I thought I'd try something out. I'm really not very well at the moment - I have The Cold. His friend messaged me this morning to ask how I was feeling. Nothing from bf. I sent them both a photo of my ill person comfort food lunch (wouldn't normally send a photo of my lunch! Was just curious to compare the responses).

Friend replied - looks lovely! Hope it makes you feel better!

Bf replied - well that's going to kill or cure you. Likely kill. Hope you're feeling better soon.

I also also sent a message about a course I'm thinking of applying for.

Friend - responded with encouragement, thought I'd be great at it. Etc etc

Bf - Nothing. Just nothing at all.

I'm not really interested in playing games, i was just curious after the weekend to see if there were other examples and I think my bf's default position is to put me down.

I just can't see the point of it though! What is it supposed to achieve?

Why would you be in a relationship with someone you held in such contempt? Liked so little?

OP posts:
lovingnewme · 25/10/2021 21:34

You know the answer op.
Dump him.

Original poster
EndlessRose · 25/10/2021 21:37

I do know the answer and I'm going to.

I'm just curious as to why they do it. What is it supposed to achieve?

OP posts:
Blindleadingtheblind · 25/10/2021 21:40

Honestly, I'd leave him in no uncertain terms what I thought of him, then dump him. Carty in with your weekend plans whether he is there or not. And if the friends ask anything just tell them you need someone who makes you feel good about yourself as opposed to to putting you down. Who gives a shit about his feelings if he is there? He doesnt care about yours

Blindleadingtheblind · 25/10/2021 21:41

@EndlessRose

I do know the answer and I'm going to.

I'm just curious as to why they do it. What is it supposed to achieve?

Just a power play on their part to keep you in line. He obviously cant handle an independent, strong woman.
Original poster
EndlessRose · 25/10/2021 21:44

But if you despise someone that much, why bother with the whole charade and not just dump them?

I think that's what I don't understand.

OP posts:
Blindleadingtheblind · 25/10/2021 21:53

@EndlessRose

But if you despise someone that much, why bother with the whole charade and not just dump them?

I think that's what I don't understand.

You don't understand because you are not a twat Smile

When you are not a twat it is very hard to put yourself in the mindset of someone who is a twat because everything they do will seem illogical, irrational and immature. My ex was one of these and I gave up a long time ago trying to understand him and just accepted he is a twat. I now find his twattish ways a source of amusement because they are that batshit.

You've done nothing wrong OP, don't even try to understand the inner workings of a toxic mind. Just get out of there asap.

FOJN · 25/10/2021 21:57

I'm just curious as to why they do it. What is it supposed to achieve?

It's to erode yourself esteem so you never feel confident enough to dump him in the hope of meeting a better man.

He's already told you it's flattering for women to know men find them attractive as if a man's opinion of our appearance is the source of all our self esteem and confidence.

Dump him, he doesn't actually like women as people only as objects.

Original poster
EndlessRose · 25/10/2021 22:03

Grin fair enough!

I just can't see what it is supposed to achieve.

He used to tell how pretty/beautiful other women were but never said anything nice about me. I suppose I am a twat for putting up with it for so long!

He never makes comments like that anymore because I either ignored him or agreed with him so it didn't have the desired effect 🤷🏻‍♀️

It has made me smile that his friend is somewhat 'gushing' in his compliments of me to him. It's not unique to me, he's a very open and emotionally expressive. I'm really curious about how my bf responded! But obviously haven't asked! It must really wind him up!

OP posts:
Original poster
EndlessRose · 25/10/2021 22:07

@FOJN

I'm just curious as to why they do it. What is it supposed to achieve?

It's to erode yourself esteem so you never feel confident enough to dump him in the hope of meeting a better man.

He's already told you it's flattering for women to know men find them attractive as if a man's opinion of our appearance is the source of all our self esteem and confidence.

Dump him, he doesn't actually like women as people only as objects.

But that implies he doesn't want to 'lose' me otherwise why be bothered I might find someone better?

Tbh, I know I could do better! Being ony own would be better for a start!

I think there's a lot of truth in your last sentence.

I don't think he realises but, everytime he says something now, it actually just makes me realise how much better than him I could do. Which I'm guessing is the opposite of his intention.

OP posts:
FOJN · 25/10/2021 22:09

I just can't see what it is supposed to achieve.

This......

It's to erode yourself esteem so you never feel confident enough to dump him in the hope of meeting a better man.

and you're still with him even though....

He used to tell how pretty/beautiful other women were but never said anything nice about me.

Yet another way of making you feel less than. You can stop donating your self esteem to his fragile ego anytime you like.

FOJN · 25/10/2021 22:12

But that implies he doesn't want to 'lose' me otherwise why be bothered I might find someone better?

He's not confident enough he can keep you on the merits of his personality so he weakens your confidence so you'll stay with him because he's convinced you you're so useless and awful no one else will want you.

Original poster
EndlessRose · 25/10/2021 22:13

Tbh, I had own, stupid reasons for sticking around then. But it wasn't because i thought i couldn't do any better.

It was lockdown related...

OP posts:
FatCatThinCat · 25/10/2021 22:18

He does it because deep down he knows these young beautiful women he's gracing with his attention have zero interest in a creepy old man. So he's taking out his frustrations on you, belittling you to big up his fragile ego.

category12 · 25/10/2021 22:22

Yep, but if he wears you down enough, you'd start believing he's right.

And part of it is his own gaping inadequacy - he wants to bring you down.

Pinkbonbon · 25/10/2021 22:26

@EndlessRose

I do know the answer and I'm going to.

I'm just curious as to why they do it. What is it supposed to achieve?

Why do bullies bully? Because steppong on other people makes them happy.

We can't understand that because we are not wired like them.

Some people like to lift people up. Others need to drag them down.