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Original poster

Are my expectations way off?

82 replies

HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 11:01

Not sure if my expectations are off. We’ve been official since January and had a total of 7 ‘full days out’ together - by this I mean like a full day of going to the zoo, our for the day on a walk and pub dinner on way home, to visit another city etc. We have had nearly every weekend since we met of doing something together like a walk for a couple of hours on a Saturday or Sunday, or dinner on a Saturday night either out or at home.

I’ve not met his friends as he’s new to the area (been here a year) and he says his friends are all round the country. Which they are, he talks to them by text every week or so and chats about them. But I’ve mentioned maybe going down to see one of them and he doesn’t seem interested. One close one lives in London with his wife and I said we could go down and see a show and then we could catch up with them. He says he’s too busy at the moment. I’ve said my best friend (who lives 10 min drive from him) had invited us round in summer to have dinner with her partner…he’s still not seemed interested in meeting them or suggested a time he could be free. Same with my family, he says he wants to but not sure when.

It came to a head last night when I said how about we book a Christmas trip to London or another uk city to go to the markets or something. He said he had no idea when he could do that and he’s not that into going away in the same way I am Hmm he then said I was being bossy for trying to suggest these things and making it all about having things my way…. Every time I’ve suggested something with him I’ve totally left it to him to get back to me and tell me what would suit him time wise and plan wise. He just doesn’t so then I go ahead and suggest something else… which makes me bossy, apparently.

We stay over with each other most nights so see each other a lot but it just feels like he’s not invested?! Whenever we have done things together he’s always gone on about how nice it is. It doesn’t make sense.

This morning I’ve just woken up feeling a bit blue about it all. Am I being dramatic to feel he’s not that arsed? We are both late 30s and I’d like to settle down. He knows this. I’ve had relationships as a teen that felt more like we were a unit …

OP posts:
MarylinMonrue · 23/10/2021 11:15

He's appearing not arsed because he isn't arsed - especially as long as he has the cosy 'most nights' domestic set up with you. Stop being so available for seeing him until he ups his game, oh, and not meeting his friends in almost a year is another bit of red bunting, and he doesn't want to meet yours either because he's not seeing this as a long term thing. Sorry.

MarylinMonrue · 23/10/2021 11:16

(oh, and your expectations aren't off - men who want to do basic interested things like go away with you make it happen)

Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 11:20

@MarylinMonrue he assures me this is significant to him. He’s said he doesn’t know when he can do big trips like London (we are in Nottingham). He has a job with long hours but his colleagues are always off out doing things. It’s not meeting my family and friends that I find particularly strange.

OP posts:
Suprima · 23/10/2021 11:25

[quote HairDooDee]@MarylinMonrue he assures me this is significant to him. He’s said he doesn’t know when he can do big trips like London (we are in Nottingham). He has a job with long hours but his colleagues are always off out doing things. It’s not meeting my family and friends that I find particularly strange.[/quote]
It is strange. Confused

Posters may tell you to ‘communicate’ and ‘talk to him’ but you’ve done all that- you have your answer.

He doesn’t want you to meet his friends
Doesn’t want you to have a shared life
Doesn’t want to plan any trips with you
Doesn’t want to go on proper dates with you

However- does want you to keep staying together ‘most nights’ where I imagine he has regular sex on tap and a female to monologue to?

This man is wasting your time

AnaViaSalamanca · 23/10/2021 11:27

Either he is just not an interesting/outgoing person or he is not bothered about you and you are just a convenience/placeholder. Difficult to tell which. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a boring person who needs to be cajoled for every activity especially since he is not too old (imagine what he would be like after 55).

Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 11:30

@Suprima we don’t have loads of sex so I don’t think it’s that. He just seems like he can’t be bothered really to make much effort. We have a great time together which is why I am keen to go away for a weekend or have him meet my best friends etc. I want him to be part of my life in a real way. Even when we do have a day out somewhere I can tell he sees it as a big thing to have given up a day totally for us.

The fact he says I was bossy has really hurt me. I just made some suggestions and would have been happy doing any of them - even happier if he had come up with an idea himself!

OP posts:
Mischance · 23/10/2021 11:33

You are finding this man hard work after 7 days out with him. Think what a lifetime would be like.
I think you might do best to look elsewhere - your interests and way of life are not compatible.

Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 11:34

@AnaViaSalamanca

Either he is just not an interesting/outgoing person or he is not bothered about you and you are just a convenience/placeholder. Difficult to tell which. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a boring person who needs to be cajoled for every activity especially since he is not too old (imagine what he would be like after 55).
@AnaViaSalamanca the thing is I’m not even a huge traveller or going out person myself and I have good friends I see a lot to fill those experiences if I wanted to.

Last weekend I asked if he wanted to go to the theatre (in Nottingham so not far for us) in two weeks time and he said he didn’t know but was a nice idea. When I ask him why he says he doesn’t like to book anything that may have to be cancelled if work gets busy.

I’ve told him I would rather we lose the money or I go with a friend last minute than never ever have any real plans together.

It’s like he doesn’t want any disruption to his life. Except I see these things as a nice disruption. He obviously doesn’t.

38 and need to end this don’t I :(

OP posts:
Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 11:35

@Mischance

You are finding this man hard work after 7 days out with him. Think what a lifetime would be like. I think you might do best to look elsewhere - your interests and way of life are not compatible.
@Mischance I’m just wondering if others would expect these things too or whether I am being unreasonably demanding…
OP posts:
romdowa · 23/10/2021 11:36

You both want different things , sounds like it's time to move on.

Onelifeonly · 23/10/2021 11:37

You don't sound compatible. It doesn't mean he is in the wrong, but he doesn't want what you want. Up to you if you can continue if you're not happy with the way things are.

Shitapillar · 23/10/2021 11:39

This man sees no future with you. That's why he's no investing his time meeting family and friends, or going away with you. He's getting what he needs, which is spending time with you. But only sharing a bed and eating. You're a gap filler I'm afraid. A Miss Right Now. Not his Miss RIght.
He's not being upfront with you because he knows you want more and would probably leave the relationship.
It's up to you how long you put up with this, I'm sure it's comfortable and nice. But who wants a relationship that's like an old sofa?

Suprima · 23/10/2021 11:40

[quote HairDooDee]@Suprima we don’t have loads of sex so I don’t think it’s that. He just seems like he can’t be bothered really to make much effort. We have a great time together which is why I am keen to go away for a weekend or have him meet my best friends etc. I want him to be part of my life in a real way. Even when we do have a day out somewhere I can tell he sees it as a big thing to have given up a day totally for us.

The fact he says I was bossy has really hurt me. I just made some suggestions and would have been happy doing any of them - even happier if he had come up with an idea himself![/quote]
It doesn’t matter if you don’t have ‘lots of sex’. You are there and available. He doesn’t need to trawl tinder or pick up women at pubs when the urge strikes. Convenient female company - there. But you aren’t the woman he wants to integrate lives with.

Can’t be bothered to make effort = can’t be bothered to make effort for you

He’s said you are bossy to knock you down a peg and prevent you from bringing it up ever again. He doesn’t want things to change.

You are saying you have a ‘great time together’- doing what? You have been out for the day seven times this year. You have no plans for socialising together or weekends away. This just reeks like a relationship of convenience for him.

I’m sorry- I know my words are harsh, but he is behaving like an utter bastard leading you on like this- given the fact that you want to settle down. There’s no way of sugar coating it.

Snog · 23/10/2021 11:44

Try an open discussion with him and maybe say when you won't make plans or introduce me to your friends and family I feel like this isn't a relationship that you are invested in.

AnaViaSalamanca · 23/10/2021 11:48

Last weekend I asked if he wanted to go to the theatre (in Nottingham so not far for us) in two weeks time and he said he didn’t know but was a nice idea. When I ask him why he says he doesn’t like to book anything that may have to be cancelled if work gets busy.

This screams of commitment issues. What’s his relationship history like? Did you meet online?

I would move on if I were you. So much hard work.

Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 11:50

@Snog

Try an open discussion with him and maybe say when you won't make plans or introduce me to your friends and family I feel like this isn't a relationship that you are invested in.
@Snog I’ve said that. He just tells me he’s invested but doesn’t know when he can do these things. That’s the only response I get.

@Suprima your words are blunt but accurate.

Can’t believe I’m 38 with this happening. Again.

OP posts:
Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 11:51

@AnaViaSalamanca

Last weekend I asked if he wanted to go to the theatre (in Nottingham so not far for us) in two weeks time and he said he didn’t know but was a nice idea. When I ask him why he says he doesn’t like to book anything that may have to be cancelled if work gets busy.

This screams of commitment issues. What’s his relationship history like? Did you meet online?

I would move on if I were you. So much hard work.

@AnaViaSalamanca met online. He has had a few year long relationships apparently. Never introduced anyone to his family.
OP posts:
Roussette · 23/10/2021 12:01

HairDooDee

I can only compare to my adult DD, early 30s, met someone in January same as you. So far.... they've been on two holidays abroad, climbed a mountain together, stayed in numerous AirBnB's in this country with his friends, and with her friends, they've come and stayed here with us for a weekend, she has stayed at his Mum's with him too, and been to two weddings together.

At your age and with the supposed commitment he has... that would be what you should be expecting?
Why is he dragging his feet, I would want to know.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/10/2021 12:02

He sounds like a hermit type and possibly finds socialising very difficult. I can tend to be the same way - I HATE meeting partners' friends and family.

However, I make the effort because I know it's important to them.

I think if he was seeing the relationship as long term, he'd be making an effort to do these things. Instead he's using work as a convenient excuse to get out of having to get out of his comfort zone.

I think if you want to settle down, you need to throw this man back and look for someone else.

Shoxfordian · 23/10/2021 12:10

He’s not making any effort to integrate you into his life or introduce you to his family/friends

He’s doing the absolute minimum

FinallyHere · 23/10/2021 12:27

When my mother encouraged my to introduce new partners to my friends and family, I though she was being snobbish and wanting to 'check them out'

Now I know it's because it's important to see people against their own background and in yours. It's much more difficult for people to hide unattractive traits like selfishness, meanness, rudeness with people who know them well, not to mention an existing wife who thinks he is 'working away'.

If he doesn't want to integrate you into his life, he is not that bothered about you. Who knows what else he might be hiding.

Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 12:33

Yep agree with all these posts.

It’s so rubbish. Feel a bit strung along by him and don’t fancy having to end it age 38. But I agree he’s not doing much at all is he. He thinks booking a restaurant here and there is enough.

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 23/10/2021 12:33

Funny how you are apparently ‘bossy’ for suggesting things but ultimately he’s the one who gets his way.

How does he think normal people go to the theatre or plan days out?

If you stick with him, and I hope you don’t, prepare to never go on holidays or to make plans ever again.

Snog · 23/10/2021 12:41

If you've said these things are important to you and he has ignored it then that tells you a lot.

You could revisit and say you are now considering ending the relationship over it and see if he makes any changes then?

Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 12:43

@Snog I said that this morning and he said ‘well obviously you think I’m not good enough so I’m not sure about us now either.’

Nice.

OP posts:
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