Are my expectations way off?

[HairDooDee]

Not sure if my expectations are off. We’ve been official since January and had a total of 7 ‘full days out’ together - by this I mean like a full day of going to the zoo, our for the day on a walk and pub dinner on way home, to visit another city etc. We have had nearly every weekend since we met of doing something together like a walk for a couple of hours on a Saturday or Sunday, or dinner on a Saturday night either out or at home.

I’ve not met his friends as he’s new to the area (been here a year) and he says his friends are all round the country. Which they are, he talks to them by text every week or so and chats about them. But I’ve mentioned maybe going down to see one of them and he doesn’t seem interested. One close one lives in London with his wife and I said we could go down and see a show and then we could catch up with them. He says he’s too busy at the moment. I’ve said my best friend (who lives 10 min drive from him) had invited us round in summer to have dinner with her partner…he’s still not seemed interested in meeting them or suggested a time he could be free. Same with my family, he says he wants to but not sure when.

It came to a head last night when I said how about we book a Christmas trip to London or another uk city to go to the markets or something. He said he had no idea when he could do that and he’s not that into going away in the same way I am he then said I was being bossy for trying to suggest these things and making it all about having things my way…. Every time I’ve suggested something with him I’ve totally left it to him to get back to me and tell me what would suit him time wise and plan wise. He just doesn’t so then I go ahead and suggest something else… which makes me bossy, apparently.

We stay over with each other most nights so see each other a lot but it just feels like he’s not invested?! Whenever we have done things together he’s always gone on about how nice it is. It doesn’t make sense.

This morning I’ve just woken up feeling a bit blue about it all. Am I being dramatic to feel he’s not that arsed? We are both late 30s and I’d like to settle down. He knows this. I’ve had relationships as a teen that felt more like we were a unit …

At 38, wanting to settle and have kids you need to be brutal now and end this. If he can’t even commit to meeting your friends and family ( which anyone who loves you would be desperate to do!) he won’t commit to moving in, marriage and kids. He sounds like a commitment phobe to be honest, hence all the one year relationships , where he probably got dumped for the same behaviour.
Dump him today and get back on the dating scene. I would also have a fertility check up privately and then you can consider any options there.
I met my dh at 38 but had to be ruthless with time wasters! You’ll be ok but have to get back out there and quickly establish what the guy wants/timeline and weed out these types . Good luck !

[quote HairDooDee]@Snog I said that this morning and he said ‘well obviously you think I’m not good enough so I’m not sure about us now either.’

Nice.[/quote]
It doesn't seem like it but he's done you a favour here. If he'd been the type to go all-out telling you what you wanted to hear, your bar is set so low you sound the type to believe him. He'd have been able to keep stringing you along for years like that until you felt too downtrodden to leave. All he'd have had to do to keep you hooked is effect a small change in behaviour every time he sensed you were going to leave him. There's thread after thread about men like that on here.

You're completely normal and he's making you question yourself and feel "less than", yet you don't want to end it. You should look at that before you end up with another man exactly the same. YABU for not having your bar set much much higher!

His relationship history is telling. Reckon all his previous partners have ditched him when he's showing no further signs of commitment after a year together.

@category12

Maybe he just isn't into doing weekends away, etc. Maybe what he likes is work and home and he likes that lifestyle.

That doesn't mean you should stick it out - he sounds very dull.

Exactly. Some people like to trundle along from work to home to sofa to bed and do the same again, over and over — committing to going to the cinema the weekend after next is too much stressful — their routine presumably makes them happy, but they’re routine-bound dullards as far as I’m concerned, and not people I’d want in my life.

I suspect my ex used to say ‘I’m not good enough’ ‘I obviously don’t make you happy’ etc to silence me. So I’d feel like I was being unreasonable, making him feel rubbish about himself.. that way I wouldn’t mention it again. Sadly it worked for 3 years - I left the relationship ‘smaller’ than I went into it

This is it exactly. Saying OP is bossy - to shut her down. Threatening to end the relationship when she complains about his lack of effort - to shut her down. Sulking - to shut her down. It's emotional abuse. And it's working, because she's questioning herself, her reasonableness and is entirely focused on him - how's he feeling, what might he be thinking, why do his actions not match his words, how can she get him to understand, how can she make him see her point of view (and change when he does)? When what she should be doing is walking swiftly away before he drags her down any further and she loses herself completely. I'm glad you managed to leave your ex and I hope OP does the same with her loser.

I don't think you are compatible.
You want to do various things and have things to look forward to such as trips away, theatre, cinema.
And he doesn't - for whatever reason. He prefers to go to work, come home and that's it.
He doesn't want to introduce you to friends and family which is a bit odd too after nearly a year.

But at the end of the day you want different things so dump him and move on.

Sounds like you’ve met my boyfriend!

OP, I just don't think he wants a real relationship. That's what I get from everything you have said, he's not that interested! It's hurtful, I've been there, but he's not. He doesn't want you to meet his friends/family or make future plans because he isn't planning a relationship with you, he doesn't see it the way you do.

Absolutely end it now before you get in any further - will only lead to more heartache for you!

Thanks. He’s been in a sulk this morning saying he obviously can’t give me what I need. Being very quiet and off with me.

I’m leaving this afternoon, he’s just gone into the office. I guess this is it.

Argh it's so frustrating. So he recognises that he can't give you what you need.... but is unable to take some fairly simple steps to change that? I guess at least he's stopped promising you that he will do x, y and z and is admitting that he won't.

Sulking really is not appropriate behaviour for an adult relationship. Don't waste any more time with this immature man OP. The universe has better things in store for you than this.

OP tell me you didn't post before about this dullard? He's also the guy who won't have proper sex isn't he?

Apologies if I'm wrong but sounds familiar.

What a deadweight. Let him sink into his own lazy, boring, antisocial and passive aggressive mess. Fly high. He's shown zero evidence He's long term material and other women before seem to have seen the same.

I had this in some ways. (Also live in Notts). We did go out lots, but I organised it all etc. However, after a year I'd still not met his friends. Even with the going out and having fun, it still became wearing that I'd not met anyone he knew.
I challenged him and he admitted similar to what a previous poster said, I was his right now person, not right forever person. I walked away, honestly, life is too short to saddle yourself with different expectations. And this is him showing his "best" side for you. Pick up anything that's at his, and go home. You can't talk him round, he doesn't want what you are offering. Nothing will change that, he might bend a bit if he thinks his easy company is going before he's ready for it to happen. But seriously, he sulks, he doesn't do shit, and doesn't want to engage fully. You are worth a million times more than that.

@HairDooDee

Thanks. He’s been in a sulk this morning saying he obviously can’t give me what I need. Being very quiet and off with me.

I’m leaving this afternoon, he’s just gone into the office. I guess this is it.

Yes, what you need is clearly someone who wants to do something other than trundle from work to the sofa and bed and back again.

OP, my friend sounds very like your boyfriend. He’s a lovely man, but his happy place is Friday night with his phone on the sofa, knowing no one is going to make him get up off it for anything until he has to go to work on Monday. His very nice (now-ex) wife decided twenty years ago that he could be ‘managed’ — as in, she proposed, waited till he said yes (reluctantly, months later!), arranged the wedding, contacted a friend he hadn’t seen for years to be his best man etc, and did literally everything in the household and for their two children while working FT and dealing with him literally never wanting to do anything, ever. He had to be persuaded to leave the house at all at the weekend, let alone a week’s holiday with their children — I think he felt he was doing her a favour.

Now they’re divorced, he just farts about on the Internet, and she’s a new woman, with a great social life, hobbies, weekends away with friends, wild swimming etc.

He’s been in a sulk this morning saying he obviously can’t give me what I need. Being very quiet and off with me

Victim statement. A mature adult would discuss why you two have differences. If he knew himself he might say "work is my focus and I have no time for anything else but I like not being single as it gives me options"

The bossy comment is horrible as he wants to blame you and name call rather than accept his expectations might be off. I think at best he is very emotionally immature.

I'd write this off to be honest. Women come on here often, describing this kind of thing but they've been with the guy for years or are pregnant now or whatever - you have no baggage, no ties to this guy and no obligation to him either.

He sounds nice enough, according to what you have said, but you're just not compatible. Ditch him and find someone who can be arsed to spend time with you.

OP, it does really sound as if you are not compatible. You want different things. He sounds like work is his main priority. He has a string of year long relationships where they have never met his family. He is telling you who he really is, and if you stay with him, you will never have the things that you want.

I always wanted to go more places and go to the theatre, and concerts etc, and when I met my XH he was very much into all of those things, and we went all over the UK to various things and holidays, and Scotland and Wales and all over.

Your partner is telling you that he doesn't want that sort of life and that work has to come first.

I know it is hard, but you need to find somebody who wants the same things that you do.

It’s strange as we have had nice times on the few occasions we have done things.

I thought we got on very well as my favourite thing to do is just potter round the house with him or watch tv in bed or cook. I just didn’t want us to never go away or never see a show. Once every few months something like that would have been good. Not every weekend or even every month. I’m so sad he doesn’t seem to want to compromise on any of that. For someone who was telling me I was the woman he had been waiting for, it’s gutting his preference seems to want to be to just let this fizzle.

@HairDooDee

Thanks. He’s been in a sulk this morning saying he obviously can’t give me what I need. Being very quiet and off with me.

I’m leaving this afternoon, he’s just gone into the office. I guess this is it.

He is determined to make you lower your expectations to nothing isnt he! No effort at all!

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn why couldn’t he just say yes let’s pop a couple of things in the calendar and hope we can do it. Job done, effort made. Surely that’s how a relationship works. I was hardly asking the world.

I feel so low tonight. I’ve gone back to mine and not even heard from him.

Just call it off op. Even if he agreed to a few things , you’re wasting your fertile years ( if you do want kids that is) with someone who moves at the pace of a slug. You’ll be in your mid 40s before he commits to anything , if he ever does! Mind over heart time

@Hulahoopla it’s so hard. We have such a great time together. Why is it impossible for him to actually say yes let’s go to London for a night, or yes let’s spend the weekend with your family in November. Etc? Why is that difficult? I don’t get it. We are not kids.

It doesn't matter if most people would / wouldn't have the same expectations as you. What he wants doesn't make you as an individual happy and you want different things. So you're not compatible long term. Sometimes it is that simple I'm afraid.

He just doesn’t want to make the effort. He’s a lazy guy , a stay at home person may be? Not adventurous? Is he like that with his friends too?
The thing I think is the biggest red flag is not wanting to show off someone he loves ( has he said he even loves you?) to his friends and family. When I wasn’t committed to someone I didn’t want them to meet anyone. With my dh I wanted to intermingle our lives ASAP

[quote HairDooDee]@Hulahoopla it’s so hard. We have such a great time together. Why is it impossible for him to actually say yes let’s go to London for a night, or yes let’s spend the weekend with your family in November. Etc? Why is that difficult? I don’t get it. We are not kids.[/quote]
Why?

Well he doesn't want to and he doesn't care that much about what you want.