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Original poster

Are my expectations way off?

82 replies

HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 11:01

Not sure if my expectations are off. We’ve been official since January and had a total of 7 ‘full days out’ together - by this I mean like a full day of going to the zoo, our for the day on a walk and pub dinner on way home, to visit another city etc. We have had nearly every weekend since we met of doing something together like a walk for a couple of hours on a Saturday or Sunday, or dinner on a Saturday night either out or at home.

I’ve not met his friends as he’s new to the area (been here a year) and he says his friends are all round the country. Which they are, he talks to them by text every week or so and chats about them. But I’ve mentioned maybe going down to see one of them and he doesn’t seem interested. One close one lives in London with his wife and I said we could go down and see a show and then we could catch up with them. He says he’s too busy at the moment. I’ve said my best friend (who lives 10 min drive from him) had invited us round in summer to have dinner with her partner…he’s still not seemed interested in meeting them or suggested a time he could be free. Same with my family, he says he wants to but not sure when.

It came to a head last night when I said how about we book a Christmas trip to London or another uk city to go to the markets or something. He said he had no idea when he could do that and he’s not that into going away in the same way I am Hmm he then said I was being bossy for trying to suggest these things and making it all about having things my way…. Every time I’ve suggested something with him I’ve totally left it to him to get back to me and tell me what would suit him time wise and plan wise. He just doesn’t so then I go ahead and suggest something else… which makes me bossy, apparently.

We stay over with each other most nights so see each other a lot but it just feels like he’s not invested?! Whenever we have done things together he’s always gone on about how nice it is. It doesn’t make sense.

This morning I’ve just woken up feeling a bit blue about it all. Am I being dramatic to feel he’s not that arsed? We are both late 30s and I’d like to settle down. He knows this. I’ve had relationships as a teen that felt more like we were a unit …

OP posts:
anthurium · 23/10/2021 12:44

Lots of good advice from other posters Op!

Are you secretly afraid of needing to go back on the apps and trawl for another partner (the rinse and repeat cycle of it all/the disappointment etc.)

Would you have tolerated any of this in your 20s wouldn't have touched this type of man with a bargepole but no feel you're running out of options being 38?

Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 12:49

@anthurium I think I would have liked him yes, but then again there is huge sadness at the idea of being on my own at 38. But he’s clearly not arsed about a full relationship with me!!

OP posts:
Snog · 23/10/2021 12:59

Cannot believe his reply saying he was now wondering about the relationship too!!! What an arse.

OP he is just nowhere near good enough for you. Kick him to the kerb girlfriend before this starts to affect your self esteem.

Monsterpumpkins · 23/10/2021 13:03

Maybe he has got something to hide and doesn't want you mingling with people he knows incase you find out...

Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 13:05

@Snog

Cannot believe his reply saying he was now wondering about the relationship too!!! What an arse.

OP he is just nowhere near good enough for you. Kick him to the kerb girlfriend before this starts to affect your self esteem.

@Snog yep, feeling like a bit of an idiot to be honest. Clearly making any plans with me is very inconvenient for him, so much so that he would rather I end it it seems!
OP posts:
HHSchultz · 23/10/2021 13:13

Honestly 38 is so young. End it with him and give yourself a chance of meeting someone else. Don't waste time on this.

Allsorts1 · 23/10/2021 13:31

38 is so young! Stop panicking about that and just ditch this loser so that you can find someone much better. The longer you entertain what’s not for you, the longer you postpone what is. Chop chop!

Paq · 23/10/2021 13:37

@Onelifeonly

You don't sound compatible. It doesn't mean he is in the wrong, but he doesn't want what you want. Up to you if you can continue if you're not happy with the way things are.
This.
Wildlingbobble · 23/10/2021 13:41

My most recent ex was like this - spent 3 years trying to get him to see my side of things, before finally leaving 4 months ago.

It’s highly likely that this man won’t change, and what you can just about ‘put up with’ now will be the reason you chuck him in the end. The reason he’s not prioritizing your needs is because they’re not a priority to him - and if they’re not now, within the first year that should be honeymoon period, they never will be.

Also the ‘you don’t think I’m good enough’ woe is me is manipulative - my ex did that all the time, too.
Cut to the chase and don’t waste years

dottiedodah · 23/10/2021 13:45

He sounds like he is happy with the Status Quo ATM . I cannot see why he is dragging his feet over a WE away! Does he have money issues do you think? Maybe he has to work a lot and not much spare cash.When you are together do you have a good time .38 is not old at all.It is always a little scary to end a RL ,but alternative being left feeling disconnected is not good either! Maybe a heart to heart ,say you dont want RL to end ,but you like making plans and looking forward to going out/away wherever and see what he says ?

Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 13:49

@dottiedodah

He sounds like he is happy with the Status Quo ATM . I cannot see why he is dragging his feet over a WE away! Does he have money issues do you think? Maybe he has to work a lot and not much spare cash.When you are together do you have a good time .38 is not old at all.It is always a little scary to end a RL ,but alternative being left feeling disconnected is not good either! Maybe a heart to heart ,say you dont want RL to end ,but you like making plans and looking forward to going out/away wherever and see what he says ?
@dottiedodah yep tried that conversation! He just says he wants to but doesn’t know when. That’s literally the extent of his comment on it. If I push it further he says clearly I like going away a lot and that’s not him Hmm

He doesn’t have money issues and neither do I. I offered to book and sort the theatre and pay as a treat. Still no desire to plan it with me!

OP posts:
Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 13:53

@Wildlingbobble

My most recent ex was like this - spent 3 years trying to get him to see my side of things, before finally leaving 4 months ago.

It’s highly likely that this man won’t change, and what you can just about ‘put up with’ now will be the reason you chuck him in the end. The reason he’s not prioritizing your needs is because they’re not a priority to him - and if they’re not now, within the first year that should be honeymoon period, they never will be.

Also the ‘you don’t think I’m good enough’ woe is me is manipulative - my ex did that all the time, too.
Cut to the chase and don’t waste years

@Wildlingbobble yes I was surprised by the not good enough comment. He then proceeded to sulk/not speak for the rest of the evening. Bit strange and I’m gutted really as didn’t expect that behaviour from him at all.
OP posts:
CommonRoom · 23/10/2021 13:58

Neither of you are 'wrong'. You are not being demanding, and he is not odd. You are just very different people. Ie. you aren't compatible. I know that's horrible to hear if you have a good time together but your feelings aren't wrong, they are telling you what you need in the relationship and he can't provide it.

Wildlingbobble · 23/10/2021 13:59

@HairDooDee I obviously can’t speak for someone I don’t know, but I suspect my ex used to say ‘I’m not good enough’ ‘I obviously don’t make you happy’ etc to silence me. So I’d feel like I was being unreasonable, making him feel rubbish about himself.. that way I wouldn’t mention it again. Sadly it worked for 3 years - I left the relationship ‘smaller’ than I went into it.

There’s literally no reason he should be dragging his feet on some of the things you’re asking him to do - it’s not as if you’ve suggested the two of you go backpacking in Australia for 6 months!

Whether he’s doing it knowingly or not, you deserve a life that fulfills you! In my experience no amount of reasoning will change their mind if that’s just who they are. Throw him back & find someone good for you! Flowers

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 23/10/2021 14:01

Fucking hell op dump him. 7 days out in 10 months?

If you didn't want to dump his lazy arse, stop all the sleep overs and nights in. Effort dates only.

Why settle for such little effort?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 23/10/2021 14:03

[quote HairDooDee]@Snog I said that this morning and he said ‘well obviously you think I’m not good enough so I’m not sure about us now either.’

Nice.[/quote]
Thats a threat. Complain and I walk. You walk instead. What a jackass.

category12 · 23/10/2021 14:09

Maybe he just isn't into doing weekends away, etc. Maybe what he likes is work and home and he likes that lifestyle.

That doesn't mean you should stick it out - he sounds very dull.

Original poster
HairDooDee · 23/10/2021 14:16

Well that’s the thing @category12 if he had said that at the start I would have thought well we are going to struggle to get to know each other any time soon if that’s his approach, and I’d have left ASAP. As it happens he consistently says yes what a great idea, nice idea, he’d love to…but can’t plan it and then withdraws if I push it.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn I didn’t see it like that but you’re right. He wants me to be cheerful and happy (and he often tells me I am), but if I dare raise anything that matters to me then he sulks/won’t change anything.

When I calculated how many full days we had spent together (ie not including those days where I met friends the saw him late afternoon or evening) and realised it was 7, I felt silly. I suspect I don’t even really know him too well, a routine of food, bed, see friends for 75% of ‘fun’ stuff, is hardly a relationship. I’m sad he never met my friends too, they would have been great hosts and shown us a good time. You can’t make someone want to do these things though can you!

OP posts:
category12 · 23/10/2021 14:25

Well that’s the thing @category12 if he had said that at the start I would have thought well we are going to struggle to get to know each other any time soon if that’s his approach, and I’d have left ASAP. As it happens he consistently says yes what a great idea, nice idea, he’d love to…but can’t plan it and then withdraws if I push it.

Yeah, it's a case of paying attention to his actions, not his words. If he wanted that stuff, he'd be doing it. Shame he's wasted your time.

ParmigianoReggiano · 23/10/2021 14:26

I know it's hard to end a relationship in your late 30s OP. But I don't think this is the man for you. He sounds so boring!

anthurium · 23/10/2021 14:33

Op, if I were you, (and I was aged 38) I'd get fertility tests done - you don't know whether your fertility is already compromised or not, you don't really know whether it'd be straightforward or not to conceive/remain pregnant. For your own peace of mind.

How would you feel if the fertility feedback was bad? Would it help you to end this relationship sooner and take action (whatever that may be)? Being young or old is irrelevant to dating; you aren't so young when it comes to having children - I certainly wasn't told that by my consultant (I'm now 39 and pregnant).

This man doesn't sound like he is on board with your expectations. Don't waste precious fertility time on someone who isn't meeting your needs.

TobyEsterhase · 23/10/2021 14:59

Reminds me of an ex gf who wasn't really interested in doing "couply" things and was very private..Relationship fizzled out after 18 months.

If you try to change your partner you are banging your head against a brick wall so maybe you need to decide whether or not you are compatible if your interests are so different.

AnaViaSalamanca · 23/10/2021 15:03

@anthurium not all women want children though.

The relationship seems poor and OP should get out, yes, but fertility is beside the point

anthurium · 23/10/2021 15:13

[quote AnaViaSalamanca]@anthurium not all women want children though.

The relationship seems poor and OP should get out, yes, but fertility is beside the point[/quote]
@AnaviaSalamanca

It wasn't clear of the Op said she didn't...'settling down' does suggest indirectly having a family/children otherwise I'd have imagined a statement to be along the lines of 'not interested in children'

@HairDooDee

Do you want children Op?

Incredibad · 23/10/2021 15:15

Reacting to your unhappiness by saying he’s now thinking about ending it is to scare you into shutting up. Show the idiot you’re not scared of losing him and walk.