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Original poster

When dp social life takes over - wwyd

79 replies

Browneyedgirl8 · 21/10/2021 07:16

I’m lonely. Dp is arranging nights out with friends that leaves little time for us.
Example next week Monday night is his sports night - every Monday. Tuesday he’s arranged boys curry night, Wednesday work takes him away overnight. Friday another curry night with different friends. We have Thursday evening together. Weekends usually taken up with other sporting activities.
I am happy to see my girlfriends but occasionally.. once a week at most.

I have told him that I would like to spend more time with him rather than sat on my own. I think he us being rather selfish but he doesn’t agree
Aibu
We have been together 7 years living together for 2.
No dependant children. Mid 40s. Share housework etc. He’s not having an affair in case anyone suggests that.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 21/10/2021 07:18

You aren’t loving the life with him that you want, you are living the life he wants.
Get out now, or live a life you don’t want.

TheChip · 21/10/2021 07:21

Well you've told him you'd like to spend more time together and he has basically said no.
Your options are to either accept it or change it yourself by leaving

SuperSange · 21/10/2021 07:25

Well you've asked to see him more and he's refused. You have your answer. What are you going to do about it?

Animood · 21/10/2021 07:26

First comment is to leave because your DP has a busy social life Hmm yeah don't do that!

Could you ask him to do some date nights at home OP for the two of you? For example next Friday have a nice take away etc?

I've been in your DHs position where my partner wanted me to stay in all the time, but I didn't want to because all he wanted to do was sit around, in silence, watching the telly. He just wanted me to be sat there with him 🤷‍♀️ was so confusing, because he wanted me to be there but didn't interact with me!

So what I'm saying, if you're asking him to stay home, make sure the two of you are having quality time!

Either that or go out more in the evenings yourself, but you've said you don't want to do that.

Salayes · 21/10/2021 07:36

Sounds like he has started to take you for granted and confuses living together with actually spending quality time together. He sees you every day sure, but that isn’t quality time it’s just cohabiting. When do you ‘date’ and do activities together? Sounds like he’s letting things get into a rut and not prioritising your relationship.

Maybe the relationship has begun to run its course or maybe he has stopped making an effort and seeing you as anyone other than a comfortable housemate. Whatever it is he isn’t treating you like a romantic partner.

Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 21/10/2021 07:36

@Animood

First comment is to leave because your DP has a busy social life Hmm yeah don't do that!

Could you ask him to do some date nights at home OP for the two of you? For example next Friday have a nice take away etc?

I've been in your DHs position where my partner wanted me to stay in all the time, but I didn't want to because all he wanted to do was sit around, in silence, watching the telly. He just wanted me to be sat there with him 🤷‍♀️ was so confusing, because he wanted me to be there but didn't interact with me!

So what I'm saying, if you're asking him to stay home, make sure the two of you are having quality time!

Either that or go out more in the evenings yourself, but you've said you don't want to do that.

Definitely don’t want to sit around in silence. I love spending quality time with dp. We do fun things together when we are spending time together. But his priorities are different. He thinks that because we live together we see each other all the time.

I am happy that he has interests outside of me but it’s just that they take over.
I consider 4 weekday nights out of 5 excessive to be out with his mates. He doesn’t

OP posts:
Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 21/10/2021 07:40

@Salayes

Sounds like he has started to take you for granted and confuses living together with actually spending quality time together. He sees you every day sure, but that isn’t quality time it’s just cohabiting. When do you ‘date’ and do activities together? Sounds like he’s letting things get into a rut and not prioritising your relationship.

Maybe the relationship has begun to run its course or maybe he has stopped making an effort and seeing you as anyone other than a comfortable housemate. Whatever it is he isn’t treating you like a romantic partner.

Exactly this.

I got so upset yesterday and asked him if he actually wanted to be in this relationship. He said I’m his priority, he thinks about me all the time and he wants to be with me.
I really want this relationship to work, I love him but I’m not loving how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 21/10/2021 07:41

@GoodnightGrandma

You aren’t loving the life with him that you want, you are living the life he wants. Get out now, or live a life you don’t want.
This makes me sad.

Because I think it’s true

OP posts:
JuneOsborne · 21/10/2021 07:41

Yeah, I think it's a lot too, especially if it's every week.

He's winning isn't he? Effectively living a single life, but you're there keeping the bed warm for when he rolls home.

If you're not happy (whatever the reason) you have to do what's best for you.

Animood · 21/10/2021 07:42

*Definitely don’t want to sit around in silence. I love spending quality time with dp. We do fun things together when we are spending time together. But his priorities are different.
He thinks that because we live together we see each other all the time.

I am happy that he has interests outside of me but it’s just that they take over.
I consider 4 weekday nights out of 5 excessive to be out with his mates. He doesn’t*

You sound lovely OP, sorry you're going through this.

How is he doing enough childcare/ household chores going out 4 nights a week? Surely this I left to you?

Also who is paying for all these curry's? Can he afford to head out 4 nights per week?

Original poster
Browneyedgirl8 · 21/10/2021 07:45

@Animood

*Definitely don’t want to sit around in silence. I love spending quality time with dp. We do fun things together when we are spending time together. But his priorities are different. He thinks that because we live together we see each other all the time.

I am happy that he has interests outside of me but it’s just that they take over.
I consider 4 weekday nights out of 5 excessive to be out with his mates. He doesn’t*

You sound lovely OP, sorry you're going through this.

How is he doing enough childcare/ household chores going out 4 nights a week? Surely this I left to you?

Also who is paying for all these curry's? Can he afford to head out 4 nights per week?

We live alone. No dependant children. Share housework and both independently financially sound.
OP posts:
TumtumTree · 21/10/2021 07:49

Don't you have any couple friends? Are his social events always just with his male friends?

If he's an extrovert who likes to be out a lot and you're feeling bored and lonely, the obvious solution to me seems to be to try and combine your social lives a bit more?

Auroreforet · 21/10/2021 07:59

You’re his priority for sex and a nice home to come back to.

I suggest you start going out too on the nights he’s in. Anywhere, just be out. Until the penny drops.

porites · 21/10/2021 08:03

If you weren't together what would your ideal week look like?

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 21/10/2021 08:03

It's a tough one - personally I'd say he's got plans 4 nights during the week, but then 3 nights you've got together in that week? And I'm assuming he's not away for work / having multiple curry nights every week? It's 50/50 if you don't count the work night.

I think there needs to be a balance reached. Of course he has to travel for work (and this shouldn't be counted as social time as it's work time!) and socialise with friends, and you want to spend more quality time together. How about you plan something for the weekend that is quality time together that you want to do? I think him having sports nights / time with friends is important - is there a hobby outside of the home you'd like to take up?

My DP is away 2/3 nights a week with work every week, and has a sport on Monday evenings. So we end up with 3/4 nights a week together, which we spend doing things we like. When he's away / at sports I do things I love, I mooch to the shops, I go and get a cheeky tea or coffee and spend quality time with myself, I have a pamper evening or read a new book etc.

I have to be honest - if a woman was posting saying she had a sports evening, two meals with friends and was away for work but her DH was upset he wasn't getting enough of her time, she'd be told her DH was being unreasonable and she should be able to do whatever she wants!

beautifulview · 21/10/2021 08:04

Maybe you’re not compatible anymore? Maybe you want something different? Do you want a family? Kids to raise? Is that what’s going on? You want a home life rather than a social life? I’m not sure I could be with someone who was out 5 nights a week. What’s the point of being in a relationship with someone who is never there.

anthurium · 21/10/2021 08:05

Why are your friends such low priority 'see them occasionally' ... Don't you enjoy their company/want to be a regular part of their life?

GummyBearWhere · 21/10/2021 08:08

So you’re available for sex, and boring routine stuff at home, but he’d rather do fun things with his mates and not with you? Yeah I’d be pretty hurt too, I’d wonder what the point of the relationship was if he’d rather socialise with mates all the time instead of you. I do think couples need to be able to do separate things with friends that aren’t couple things, but this is way too extreme, he doesn’t want to spend quality time with you.

Salayes · 21/10/2021 08:09

So is it safe to say that you don’t feel you have real quality couple time even when he isn’t out and about?

‘He said I’m his priority, he thinks about me all the time and he wants to be with me.’ - Thing is, I think words do matter but when someone says words and their actions don’t match the words, it’s almost always the actions that give the truth of a situation.

He says you are his priority but doesn’t act that way. That’s not to say he should not have a social life but it seems very unbalanced.

corblimeygov · 21/10/2021 08:25

Can't you join in with his nights out? Ie tag along ?

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2021 08:47

@corblimeygov

Can't you join in with his nights out? Ie tag along ?
That’s so needy. No one likes it when the opposite gender partner tags along with on a girls or boys night out.

Op. The truth is he is entitled to live his life as he sees fit as no kids are involved. You can’t force him to be with you more, it will only cause resentment. So you need to decide if you wish to live like this or end the relationship and try to find someone else.

gannett · 21/10/2021 08:47

3 nights of socialising per week sounds normal to me. Would've been fairly typical for me about 5 years ago. I've never scheduled weekly meals with friends though, ironically because my social life was too busy for that! In practice I'd say that some weeks I'd be out 4 or even 5 nights and end up balancing it with a full week of quiet nights in. Much the same for DP.

I think the thing that leaps out is that you don't seem to share much in the way of activities with your partner. Your shared time is all sitting at home together. His sport is separate and his social life is separate. Do you not have shared friends? Do you have things you like to both get out and do together? Even just a meal in a local restaurant?

In my 20s and 30s I'd usually have "my" friends and "his" friends with partners in when you're in your 40s it's more common to have shared friends you can both hang out with.

Another thing that leaps out is how passive you are about it. If you want to do something with your partner then arrange it! Diarise it weeks or months in advance.

And what are your own hobbies and interests? To be honest DP could be out 7 nights a week and I wouldn't get bored. There's always something pleasurable to do to fill time, especially when you're child-free.

However I'm not a fan of how dismissive he is. Sometimes when DP or I have had a busy social diary the other will make a pointed comment about how we really haven't seen each other properly in weeks and that's the cue to prioritise a date night or domestic weekend in with each other. If he doesn't seem to be up for that I'd question how much he wants to be in the relationship.

As a sidenote I hate the sneery MN thing of "you're available for sex". Feels almost misogynistic. Sex is surely a mutually desired thing. If OP is "available" to her partner for sex, then by the same token he is "available" to her for sex. Having sex that presumably she wants is not a loss to her, even if her partner also wants it.

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2021 08:53

@GoodnightGrandma

You aren’t loving the life with him that you want, you are living the life he wants. Get out now, or live a life you don’t want.
This is such a silly statement. Nothing in the op says he doesn’t wish her to go out and wishes her to stay in every night. That’s her choice. Not his.

He’s living the life he wishes not the life she wishes him to lead is closer to the truth

NerrSnerr · 21/10/2021 09:00

First comment is to leave because your DP has a busy social life yeah don't do that!

You can leave your partner what whatever reason you want. If he isn't willing to change you need to make a decision.

dworky · 21/10/2021 09:14

The only action open to me - break up with him!
Despite you not listening because you don't want to hear it, he's telling you loud & clear that he has no respect for you because he's too selfish. You can't change that so the only healthy choice is acceptance & moving on.
Best of luck.